Dear Conan

As I already said in a tweet; I wonder if you already have a senator on Mad Men? I definitely believe it would be possible..... I still havn't seen "Wreck it Ralph." Despite the popularity of the movie, there really is no new news coming from me towards Dane. I'm not really anxious to see it. Unless I have a Gadaffi on my back; watching the movie is something I will either be indifferent or unexcited to watch. As for Silverman, you guys still are not looking at me the right way. I do appreciate the fellow feminist support in regards to vaginas and just feminity overall. Still, I'm not completely being looked at the right way.................
I don't have any comment with Jon either. And with the other John, I'm going to have to look up the band and the lyrics again. It was a song that didn't look like it made a lot of sense. But, I'll get around to looking it up.

Dear Jon

I said "no," to Randy a long time ago. The answer is still "no." to this very day. If I ever get a voice or the justice that I want and if he does not stop "chasing mavericks," I will put him on my list of self-entitled retards who got away with rape. Just because I did the nasty with him a long time ago does not mean I am still wanting or available for a fuck anytime. He is a regret and a mistake that I obviously didn't think enough about at the time. He is the type that has a big ego and vanity game where he doesn't like to be the one who looks like he is rejected or beneath anyone. Whatever agenda or whatever game, he and other men can shove it for their own vain OCD domination obsessions. Randy and Denny can still fuck off and get a life.

Several Thoughts

I'll start with the festival. This weekend was great. I've had a few years of experience, and this is one festival I like the best. The other ones aren't bad, but I was happy to have made more money. The reality still hits me that this is no regular income job where I can make my way, but the act of it and in ones past feels liberating. I still experiment with new products and still have old ones. Some of my hats were winners and some were losers. With one hat, I will either try a thinner yarn and thicker knit, or I will just drop that one altogether. A few of my purses sold at both festivals, so I won't give those up. I wish my gourds would sell better though. I did sell a few, but not enough to feel satisfied. I'm happy that the cowells were popular this year and wish that I had chose to make more of those in enough time. More things to pick up on for future festivals........ As for socializing, I was surprised to see quite a few familiar faces and acquaintances. Besides the good of it, there was still the bad of it where I was still being stalked, tested, and provoked. I kept my cool though. I still wish that Denny wasn't so egocentric, stalking, and testing. A senator of his just happened to be right next to my booth and there were other random senators who were provoking me as well. I did the same old thing and ignored or had to speak over them. I don't know what anyone is trying to prove anymore with the whole Denny situation. It is old and he needs to get over himself...... As for other vendors, this one was definitely a larger festival with more people to compare and feel a little more challenged with. My crafts were still complimented none the less. There were a few other knitters that I was definitely jealous of. I don't know if some have made the choice to do it for a living. One vendor had an alpaca farm and I couldn't help but be a little envious of the ponchos, tunics, and shawls that they had knit. But, until I am damned to be damned to be damned I won't be too jealous. I also know my life circumstances as well, so my own sensibilities are all I need to deal with some things. Nothing to further think or be too paranoid over. A lot of Amish people there...... This one also seemed to attract the wealthy or even the metro city people.

As the Sarah Turns....... I think I saw a few senators of a few men at the festival. Not too sold on anything. It seems to be the same old news. Well Lance is a new one, but I picked up on a few things and I'm just putting him in the same loser category of the other sexual offenders and harassers. Some men just want to be on my bad side for one reason or another......
I'm not going to say his name but I picked up on what he was thinking and I couldn't help but laugh a little on the inside. He had his own way of wanting to hit on me with his sympathy and ~I just want to cry for you ~ countenance. Ha. I'm not making too much of a comment with him. Still just going to be quiet.
I watched a little bit of SNL last night. I will probably go back and watch a few video clips. I didn't completely finish the show. Daniel Craig. I really wasn't sure about everything going on with him. Through him, it looks like Mike Jones and I are not on good terms either. The whole space video. That was mean when he made me paranoid in personally playing the cat man role. That was just mean. I had a little chuckle with Leah Michelle. That whole skit was funny. I guess I am back in the gigolo victim category. They give mixed signals though. One minute they defend my honor when they make Jon out to be the stupid abuser he is when they called him "Chris," in the Rachael Maddow skit, and the next minute it is being the gigolo victim.  It really was nice to side with me a little. The James Bond skit though was just supposedly meant to be comedy....... As for Jon. I don't have anything to say about him right now. He has his own ways of being lethal at times. I'm pretty sure he was the first to make severe rips and severe hatred against me before I ever did anything to him. Just not anything to say......
That's all for now..........

As the Sarah Turns

Good news bad news..........
It never rained Saturday. It was a little chilly like a regular fall day, but mostly warm. Nice day. I made more last year but still a significant amount this year. A few more festivals to go. I am happy that a few of my purses sold. I can't give up on them yet. There is definitely one particular bag that I will keep making though. I have sold a few of the other fisherhook designed ones, but it seems most people like my cable button bags.
I have a slight cold; hip hooray.
Thank you Jimmy Choo for the recent ad in Vogue. I'm really not into a big shpeal about LGBT politics, but it was nice to be looked at the right way. I don't always know where things come from but Jimmy Choo randomnly drops in and I appreciate it. I have yet to read both recent issues, but it is something to get around to.
I have November plans. A few jobs to apply for now, but will be more aggressive in November. I will probably open an Etsy account as well.
Man drama...........................
I will start with Mike Jones. He is around the area locally in his own way, but he sent some senators. Some languages I will never entirely understand. My best instincts with Mike is that he does have some things to share but I have never been a Stockholm/Burmuda/whatever world you want to call it, expert. He wants to compete in the art world. Oh I can paint an abstract pebble design; well guess who else can paint rocks even better? Some artist that I havn't a clue. Mike, I never said I was out to be a professional artist. Sometimes, I play along, but I've learned that anymore if I want to get a message across to anyone, the safest way is mostly to not play along and get to the point. Maybe I could already be getting damned to only being a crafter. who knows. I have a hunch that Mike is bisexual, possibly just gay. With Josh's old roommate in the band Philmore? Maybe Philmore could also be in "I love you Phillip Morris," with Jim Carrey. I havn't seen the movie yet. I was never close to Josh. We had an awkward relationship that I still don't understand to this day. I don't care to wonder if he was being bi with his roommate. He did have a conversation about questioning his gender preference, but whenever I was having my breakdown, I was far from even thinking about him being gay. He made me paranoid in so many ways, I think I probably saw it as another cheating jab. Back to Mike, is he and Philmore coming out? A country music video looks like it. I forget the artist and song. It is new. I never had a strong attachment to Mike. He took me out on a date or two and burned a cd for me. I wouldn't have minded in getting to know him more. I question some of the celebrities mentioned: Daniel Craig, Bradly Cooper, and oh I forget the other name. Whether or not he thinks I was silly or cheesy for being so into the song 52/50, I don't care. Whether or not that was coming from his heart, the song has a little hope and cheer in it. It believes in the future. If I am ever loved by anyone, I like the romance and fantasy of the song. But even alone, I like the happy go lucky ~live the day smooth running~ happy go lucky. Emotions can't always be controlled not even by the individual who wishes they could always control how they feel. Nice encouragement though..........
I saw another senator who could be obvious or secretive. He does it in a way where it is questionable. There are also dark haired look alikes. I do notice they all have the same hairstyle. It reminds me a little of that Carter guy who was the home interior desginer. ha. I wonder if he is still around. But he really wasn't the one who I was originally talking about. For now, I'm just not going to say much about him. I simply noticed him.
Jon. He seems to have distanced himself some for now. Not completely sure what is going on with him. With how things go and the place I feel I am in, I will get around to watching Arbitrage. How could I talk so much about the philosophy and drama and not watch it? There are parts of me that really do want to pass, but am making myself watch it anyway. Will it resolve anything? Doubt it. Probably more ways to get daggered.
Can't think of anything else now.......................................

Thinking thinking thinking

Something happened recently that is nothing new. If people cared to wonder, it is the same thoughts and perspectives that I have with tyranny.........
Funny that someone brought up the digital concept; I was thinking about the same subject yesterday and today. While I was not a genius and earned A+ grades in my brief broadcast journalism major, I did learn a few things about the digital world. I know it is definitely possible for people to digitally make their own changes in various formats not depending on whichever structured world it comes from. The real question on my end is: How much is entertainment and how much is conversation? How corrupt are people being about the conversation and assumptions and gossip trying to be set in stone? Who is it that is testing me? Is the person testing me rolling in the best instincts with what my assumptions are?
I would say most is entertainment. There are a lot of things when I feel I am being talked to, that I tune out. I didn't care to go back to find out what the reaction was. I could already tell I was being further degraded and tuned out whatever was being said.........
Besides some clues with some who's and what's, there is still a lot going on that I am simply out of the loop with. Part of it is by my own choice, and part of it is by choices other people make as to why I am out of the loop and do not know the half of what is going on with some people........
I will continue to say that not only will I not be objectified myself, but I do not objectify on other ends. This leads me into the next roll: I've had a long history with Jon. While feeling tested with someone else, the story is not the same when it comes to feelings and comparison. So if people want to try to make logic, sense, reason, or whatever within their own arbitrage, it will not compare in my world whatever story someone wants to conjure up.
For some reason or another; I don't feel safe in mentioning the name although he may already be obvious. I could further assume he is being a senator for even another person, or maybe he is totally representing himself altogether and in the house...... I'll just put in a few more confirming words. I will answer the first question that was asked awhile ago that I put off and don't know why I didn't call back~ Yes, I would agree that you are better looking as a man than I as a female. Especially after some things, your sexiness can't be denied. I find it interesting about the straight forward question of it all. I really do question the level of seriousness as well. Maybe it is just meant to be a quick systematic death where putting me out of my misery isn't all that bad and since there has not been a rapport of feelings, it is a truth that will make the systematic process quicker. But what if there was seriousness and there was no motive of brutishness? In my own history, I really do have a good understanding of myself. I believe in monogamous relationships. Life hardly ever works out, so why not? Because the deadly kryptonite cold feeling has never gone away. It never has with anyone. I have so much limits in my emotions until I step back and say I just can't take it anymore. It is knowing my own predictable self.
The next thing is; I've never realized just how many gay or bisexual people there are. While there may not always be a terrorizing motive and that people are just one way or another, I do find some truths to  be terrorizing. I don't feel comfortable either as a straight or bisexual swinger. There is a difference between sluts and swingers and I am a slut who knows my self understanding for what it is. Some things just don't feel right or that I'm comfortable with...........

I think I had other stuff on my mind but my elaborations made me forget, so I'll just bring them up another day.

just a lot

I feel great today thus far. I pretty much finished last again but at least this time I wasn't as much of a
f#!% up. I was impressed with my time. Even though my time did not compare with other runners, I was impressed. It was 10 kilometers (a little over 6 miles) and I finished at 1:23:?? forget the number of seconds. From here, I can only impress myself more. I have one time to beat with the 10K and when I'm not a f*&! up when I run another 5k, I will have another time to beat. I like the t-shirt for this one. stylish. There was a picnic after which was nice, but still early for lunch. I think it was like around 10:30 when the food was served. To top it off, I won from a random drawing, and what did I win? I won a gift certificate to a candy store! Ha! Run a marathon and gain all the weight back. Like everything else, candy isn't bad on occassion. Maybe some sports people are tired of the same health routine and just want to try something different. Don't mind..................................
Work is alright. I got a job as a bartender. Just part time now. I don't know how long I'll last, but I hope to work there awhile. I may add another part time job as a babysitter or something else, but right now, things feel alright. I have some festivals to get ready for. I don't think it would compare to even minimum wage, but since I've already got a load of crafts for this season, why not finish the season off?............................
I was suppose to go to another picnic today but it just started storming not long ago. I guess it is going to be canceled. The day is already too busy, so I don't mind having a little more free time before work. They may just have the party at a different place. who knows...................................
Jim Carrey. I think the time I watched his movie, "Yes, Man," my mindset was curious but not completely sold. I would not have had the first assumption that the Jim Carrey is talking to me. I would have assumed that this was not from the house of representatives where he represents himself, but the senate where he must have "sent it" (lol cheesy joke) by representing someone else. I don't really know who else he would have been representing. I didn't have a strong identification the first time, but when I saw the storyline about him and Zooey, that definitely would have been a thought of mine. With some of my confusion and feeling lost, I usually go MIA. ahahahah maybe that is why he has all this nonviolence on his twitter now. I don't know. But her persona was pretty accurate. I can be nice about things before I have to be mean; and obviously not all communication was clear when it comes to systems and being with the program. Whoever it was, it really was a sweet come around to fight and defend themself that they really are genuine and not seriously going through some systematic routine. I thought the movie was a little more humerous the second time around too. It is just the idea of it all and the simplicity of the idea. As for what is going on in the real world with McCarthy and whatever his sexual preference is, I'm not very sure about Jim..........
Politics. I have noticed a new show with Liberals and "Stephanie Miller." This is the first I've heard of it. It has some of my attention. I feel threatened in some ways, but whether or not there is a very serious Gadaffi persona, it is still very gray with some hidden agendas and drama and confusion about the past. It is and isn't clear. Some of the political talk is clear. I like how the issue was addressed with Power of the People vs. the U.S. Consititution. When it comes to right and wrong, I really do feel that the U.S. Constitution feels more right overall. I understand one downside to that is more govermental control which could end up having more communism in fighting for more control. Power of the People isn't always right. I'm sure there are lots of divisions when people would compare which has more freedom or liberalism. There could be some capitalists who are very innocent and mean no harm and perhaps sometimes their own special interests still take too much control and result in too much tyranny. There could be some people who make no choice at all to discriminate and are just innocent. Things aren't always clear: real motives, real choices, real issues of trust,gossip and being stalking and controlling in different personal ways. Sometimes, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to look at a picture and see that some things are just not right. The picture just does not look right. It could take a rocket scientist to really figure out what is and isn't the story to the picture, but sometimes things aren't right at face value............this is an instance where I just feel like talking poltics. I think there was another thing on the show that caught my interest, but this particular idea they brought it up was interesting.

Thoughts on To Rome with Love

I definitely have to give some kind of response to this movie. I will say again that I call the hooker or prostitute title a bunch of B.S. But it seemed like the movie was filled with a lot of gossip to fill me in on some things. Some things I just don't care; I think are silly; or I will elaborate or keep to myself.
I wasn't sure at first who I was being prostituted with. But then the guy eventually reminded me of Cory. I had to laugh. I thought it was funny to some extent. I would have concluded him as a friend or friend with benefits at the end, but I saw some other things and have other doubts. While I know it is a lie and think it is a little ridiculous and funny at people calling me a hooker, there is some level of kindness there for them to want me to feel I have a high level of a sexual reputation. Some paranoia for it comes and goes but there is just a lot of things I don't buy into or care to. It isn't that I don't care about my sexuality; it is that I know what my agenda in life is. While I am really aiming my life at something else, someone else's agenda wants me to have a larger sexual rep. oh boy. ....
His wife looked like Jessica L who I went to high school with. She is married but not to Cory. I don't know her husband at all and havn't even seen her in person in years. I wonder why this movie is being brought together like it is. Maybe a frame to force me into a cat fight or even some kind of sexual competition. Whatever.
With Jon, I don't have much to say and don't even want any more drama with him right now or even involved with him in anyway.
With some other people, I think some gossip is funny. I laughed several times at the opera guy in the shower because of who he reminds me of. Some other things did and didn't make sense with the fake fame. The why with the crazy papparazi wasn't very obvious but the idea of itself with the papparazi would make sense in some ways. It is like a prank with not much of an explanation but has some humor in it. It is one way of confirming that sometimes there is no purpose or sense to things but still does not answer all questions.
..........
I have done a little more brainstorming over the idea of being a stripper... I do not have a set deadline or any plans written in stone. It will be just something I will decide on in my own timing if I ever do. I think I may have gotten a compliment from someone yesterday in a high place, but I'm not 100% sure on how I should take him. Maybe it was not meant to be a compliment at all but it was meant as a degradation on his end or some kind of slander or even mudsling. I'm not liking the idea of more pressure. I have applied for jobs and hope I will eventually be hired but not sure how things are going to go.

Dear Jon

(I have yet to read about the Taylor Swift story and don't care about the title now)
Jon, of course you are hateful, evil, and sadistically sick often. Last night was an episode of a very severe level of sickness. psychotic morbid sickness. I'm referring to "Fred," which is obviously another share of who your guest is tonight. With Katie, I really don't know what message you want to convey or come across either. Maybe just informational or probably something worse in your own evil way. One day, you just may tell me why you hate me so much. Tonight may be an instance where it is meant to be a good time of "As the Jon Turns," where your intentions wouldn't be hateful and you would have your own way of siding with me and possibly doing some work in rape damnation or prevention. I'm not going to look no matter what the odds are. He is nothing but a morbidly sick and psychotic man, whatever "fun," or "comedy," it is you're trying to have, I'm not going to be there to stomach it. So, if I am going to be your punching bag, you'll just have to do that another time and hopefully a different way. You may just force yourself or hisself on me with "whatever I should be punished," for and rape me the same way anyway. I hope that doesn't happen either. I'm just getting the message across that you definitely are being at a very severe level of hate right now and I'm not going to be there to watch. I really do want to know why you hate and what the point will ever be with the way you are operating right now. I can't even straight face it with you in this instance.

Dear Jon

This week.....nothing new on my end but I can tell you must want to chat anyway, so we can talk about you...well I'll probably end up talking about myself too. This week it is either that you intentionally want me to be confused or you have a load of a sincere splatter of thoughts and emotions about a lot of things.... In talking about you, I think you're pulling me on you anyway. Maybe you are desperate to use me to prove something or save your ego even though you sometimes present yourself as not thinking a lot of me. But either way, yes Jon, you are a very sexually attractive man or just plan attractive. It isn't really that you're in your older years, it is our personal history where I have my own emotional feelings where you may be frustrated that you don't have much control. I have always hated your very hatefully aggressive actions and attacks, but maybe I'll find ways to lie or have a hooker heart. Maybe I will make my own home made video dancing to this song and post it every time that I think you may need more affirmation that I think you're sexy: I've always been a fan of Rod Stewart whether or not you're paranoid. I would find it a little funny if you did have a share with Rod. I used some of his music as my baby music. Some 80s I just love. ....An earlier brainstorm I was thinking along the lines of was the idea of savagry, but it is a thought that I think I will ramble over another day.... In other thoughts, it is about me. I can only be so friendly until I run out and am just simply being real. I continue to have a lot of issues. Although you make some passes at me, I'm more sold on that you have more females that you put before me and would rather war against me for them. I really was offended last night at the way you were testing me when hitting on me in the food insinuation. Firstly it offends me that you think I would be shallow and immature like that where it is just only about attraction and yay you finally think I'm pretty enough for you. Next, is where I use my own sense of reason where you must be angry about having elaborated on the idea of objectification and with the food and actions of making my own chicken wings, I must now be the sex object of a cook. However you are trying to come off, I think you're being dumb again. Rather than warring more over the idea of objectification, I would steer it more into you being the typical player man playing the typical player game. Women are likely differing in having their own ways and levels of putting out and my best assumption is that you are setting me up for a subjective torment where someone wants to entitle themselves to judge me and call the shots when whoever I am with is none of their business to begin with. But because you are a hateful man, you probably would set up something like that to torment me on purpose because you know just how much I "love" hearing the shot calling of other people. I was also angry earlier and was going to go through another list of the same complaints that I've already gone over, but I'll just sum it up to say that I have still remained ridiculously oppressed over too long a period of a time. I really don't know what is I'm supposed to do. I'm sure some really do want me to roll over and die and they can just go fuck themselves. But sadly, this same oppressed gist of song has remained the same: Of course you know I would never blame Mitzi or resent her in anyway. People are still bitter over my own blamelessness, including you. Besides your confusion, I really do believe more in your darkness and despair. I do sob to myself sometimes at knowing I'm living alone and will most likely die alone with how things go and the way people are. The sob is not a begging sob either. It isn't how I want it to be, but if life is the way it is, than I would rather die alone. Try doing everything for Mitzi until then, but that is how it is.

Dear Jon

I really wasn't completely understanding your French interrogation. I think it was two things that are both contradicting: You may once again want me to feel insecure and at the same time you care to question not "if," but "why," ??? I love you. I'm also anorexic to the relationship if you were insinuating you were Nicholas and I was the first lady. You're fairy dust has already gone far enough but yet you still like to sprinkle some around sometimes. Anyway, I'll be fair to say that I can be emotional. It could be called love but I would never see you the way I saw you before. I don't see myself as necessarily caving into you either. I see it as being aware that I have emotions but although I can't clearly define them, they aren't the same emotions and I don't have the same love I had for you before. But besides defining emotions and love is your question: why? That is another question I don't know or can answer right now. I may years later down the road, but I really don't know why I have the emotions that I do, I just do. As for Sacha, his shamelessness despite his acting persona is still a sick shame. Both you and him when you were playing around with photography and making sick jokes with the baby. It isn't anything against Putin; I simply detest your freakishness on this occassion and on top of the freakishness the shamelessness makes it even more detesting, freakish, and disgusting. As for further testing even including any swan drama, I really don't care that much right now. You would test hurting me at a time where only you would even look more like a pig and some psycho who lives to do nothing but want to hurt me. While there still isn't much I can do to help myself, in my world, you only hurt your own image. I really meant it with you and Sacha about the dictatorship and the tyranny. The only person who can ever be responsible for communism is the communist themself. I also meant it when I cussed a Sacha awhile ago for his psychotic NY article.

Dear Jon

Before I talk about last night's example itself of yours with your guest, it is a reminder of something I have said in the last letter. You're up to something. While it is easy to catch on to how you present Judy, I can't see what it is I should be catching onto with you when you're talking to me.
It wasn't too much of a big deal to catch up on the beginning and the Palin gossip. You're either being literal with others or playing your own doll game with me when it comes to talk about politics. It is all in your mouth not mine. If I should read into something, I really don't know how I should take it.
As for you in the French maid? No, Jon. It doesn't turn me on. Funny, but not a turn on. If you were being serious about wanting to be the boy toy, you could have a sweaty and slightly dirty shot with your shirt off dressed as an oil rig worker. Maybe even picture fantasies of a vacation on a nice beach and have one of those outside spas where there is a tent overlooking the ocean while getting a nice backrub.
Actually, I have a lot of mixed emotions but some seriousness that you really do make me nervous. And, tease as I may, I really don't know what to think right now other than other conversations offered.
But back to your guest last night, I take it as maybe you are working more at your capitalist games and are showing the understanding of the complexities of the matrix. Of course it is obvious who Judy is in my world, and I will just call Judy Judy and leave it as she who shall not be named. Anyway, you clarify and present things where you didn't mean what you said or acted when it comes to subjecting me to her. You either are letting me know I misunderstood you or you take it back. While you narrow it down and are being more specific with the capitalism, I still wonder about the other specifics. You clear up one specific person, but there are still a lot of other people.
With how you presented it in a more fair but still unfair way because it really isn't her who is speaking for herself, you presented her as letting the person speak for herself.~ It wasn't that you were necessarily agreeing with her but you were pointing some things out while in conversation. I really am not surprised at how typical she was after that. You obviously made no impact to her and everything was in one ear and out the other where she just kept talking despite the things you said. And of course I do the usual and just stare at her and other times I ignore her. The only thing I read about the latest scandal was the title. I already see the bullshit and there is no point in reading it and ~sucking it for her sake~. While you kept pointing out her god complex and pretentiousness that her thoughts is the ultimate truth, she just didn't get it and raged on in her god complex. She really can have a pretty violent and hostile god complex.
With me, you did succeed in when you showed a better sense of sanity, but there has yet to be any kind of change in my life. I can't see who is really calling the shots and controlling me in so many instances or numbers of places. I can't always see where the judgement or shot calling comes from. But if wanting to keep any peace or warmth with me, you made a better sense of comfort in showing your sanity. I still know you can be evil, dangerous, hateful, and have your own deliquencies and attacks, but you're just not being that right now and I'm not complaining.

Dear Jon

Last night is definitely an instance where I just can't pull off any acting or a hooker heart. Something already tells me you know you make it impossible and want the truth anyway....and before I say what I usually say, my most persistant and first question to ask is: WHY? What the fuck is your problem? Why do you put me through the things you put me through? Why do you waste my time?
I had already said that there is no symbolism with Mitzi and Mitt Romney. You are sick, psycho, and offensive to play mind games like that. Once again, your insinuations are way off and I'm not understanding why you would attack me the way you attack me. My best assumptions would be control freak tactics or for the sake of your crackhead drug addiction. It really is different for someone like you to say what you say compared to others. You have your own literal TV show; you have real credentials; you have wealth. Either I'm just too much of a cunt for people to give a shit about your bullshit or you're just being a crackhead and supporting and ganging with fellow crackheads. I would just think you would care more about being competent and staying on your feet somewhat with intelligence. I hate your bullshit and see it more as you having some kind of fear over something to intentionally smack me with arrogant punches in order to beat me into submission more. If you are seriously inquisitive about my relationship with my grandparents, I really don't know what you are trying to ask. I just see your desperate and arrogant crackheaded judgement that paints the picture in the worst ways of me. I think that not only do you want to create a more damning ruckus with my grandparents to control me and also to lie about me in front of my past Dr. so he will believe that I am delusional in my baby being a presidential candidate. Fuck you and all your damnations Jon. Fuck you.
The only pressure I feel right now is that I am being reminded of just how much of a cunt and how hated I am and that I need to be more desperate to try to figure out how to survive. I've already told my therapist that I just don't know how to beg or be desperate. I really don't. Especially with the fights that you pick, you make it so impossible for me to be desperate or your beggar. I don't know how to be desperate or beg for anyone. I feel moreso that you do want me to fight and be your punching bag but it obviously can't happen right now and I really wish you had different intentions from what you wanted of me. You have made me cry and sob on occassion and the most recent sob just wasn't enough for you to be satisfied. Why? What the fuck is your problem? What do you want?
As for the Dr. while you are giving some kind of connection and confirmation on his end that some people really are out there and I'm not delusional, I still can't understand why you shift the weights of control when you relieve me in one way but conspire in another. After all of these years you are finally making a connection with one Dr and one of the biggest burdens in wanting to be acknowledged and taken seriously. All of these years. Other people either avoid or look over and communicate anyway. Sometimes some people don't recognize how big of a problem it was or has been with some people. Other people do give some sort of acknowledgement but are still clueless and I am still vulnerable. I do like the further understanding of the island concept. I just don't understand why after all of this time and why again with how you shift the weight of control? I don't have any more to say about Shawn or Charlie. I would assume that you would have more info in regards to them than I would. All of them combined (Shawn, Charlie, and the Dr.) seemed like nothing but another dead end. I'm reminding you with how you've already underestimated my naivety that even NY knows when they wrote the subway story. Of course it wasn't straight forward but it did give an obvious insinuation at the end of it.
I'm sick of your provoking with the childishness to be bickering or pick fights so you can "knight me into womanhood." I'm also sick of the way you and other people have been neverendingly ridiculous in setting the bar either ridicuslously too high or too low. It is so ridiculous. I'm sick of the further insult that you think I'm such a fool to so many manipulations. Why Jon? WHY?????????????????????????

Dear Jon

~Just lie to me~ lol no.
I did look up the word "arbitrage," just to let you know. If this isn't a matrix message from you with your Mr Smith being Mr Gere, than I don't know. Maybe it is part of a love triange or arbitrage of one. How could you guys just sit there and look at each other in such an objective way? (I don't know the entire number of people) (If I am included, it definitely feels like an objective contest) (I'm still sobbing on the inside despite more pain from this)(I also see you more as Peter Pan with the "risk free" part being counted as true. ahahhaha I laugh at my own jokes.
I didn't completely read the entire chapter of Stewart's economics of the day, but I do get the gist of arbitrage. You better deny that I'm a hooker; I was going to take it back to Peter Pan anyway. I know I have that name marked somewhere else, but Peter Pan can be taken in a large number of ways. I have a lot of Peter Pan "careers," out there as well as nevermind. It can just be taken in a lot of ways.
Life is ok and right now is another fickle moment where I want to be guarded and open at the same time. I can only take so much and while you call yourself "risk free," you really have the potential and have already done a lot of damage.
I really don't have much else to say now...............

Dear Jon

Another hit. This really wasn't surprising but still a blow. We have had several different social connections through the years and you blast it all with: "some sort of lottery scam or fraudulence." In other words, you put it out there that you were under the impression you were talking to someone else: the Kardashians. Wow. With so many things you juggle, it looks like your biggest gut choice is to go with faschism. It is decieving and fraudulent that you give me the impression that you really are talking to me.
You did have a Greece skit not long ago that I have rolled my eyes at before with someone else and I guess you have some seriousness but not with the same ending. Well gee, I'm not popular enough or whatever for you. OMG. I never claimed to be wealthy or a supermodel. Despite their modeling careers, I still could care less at what the Kardashians think of me; they don't have my respect. I like Khloe as a person in some ways but I would still say I don't know them that well or am that close.
That was so mean to say that. You talk with me and make me laugh (and give hell) through all these years to all of a sudden say that I'm not popular enough for you? You led me on and you know it. I hate the underminement of the prankishness when it was you and other people that came across we were on good terms and that I wasn't such an unpopular or fraudulent embarassment to be around. You asshole. I've known your an asshole but you seem to be making your own skyscraper of being an asshole. I really am your fool though although I'm not at your fashist popularity standards. I was a fool to a lot of people but I seriously think I'm too damned in this town. Something is seriously going on with communism where I am an overly damned person. I never even started any popularity contests. You already know yourself I've been around and with people that sort of have the same status. Not always exact but you get the gist. I hate the way I am being made a victim to the prankishness. Seriously. wow. wtf?

Dear Jon

I have yet to catch up on some of the shows from last week.
I'll start with last night's before I get into other talk. There have been some things you have already interrogated me with from different angles leaving me feeling confused. My feelings are still hurt over it. Nonetheless, because there is a further elaboration with sluts and cunts, I'll put my 2 cents in. I technically could be called both but I would probably be called a cunt more than a slut. I've even said "thank you," for being called a cunt. It really does take a load off of me when people do say it. I really would rather people admit that I'm a cunt and person who isn't liked than either pick at me with whatever the agenda of their slave labor is or desperately make me out to be an inadequate person that amounts to nothing. I'm not really out to be called a cunt. Sometimes, I think my life would be a whole lot easier if there were more people who liked me. It would take another load off if people did like me. With how people have been, it has been impossible in every which way to try to get along with some people. The place it matters most is the workplace and getting a job. Jobs can vary with decency and especially in this area there are not a lot of decent jobs. Still, I think some people expect way too much out of me in even the simplest minimum wage jobs. I really do hate it when some employers would use it against me that I am a cunt. A workplace is a workplace to begin with, not meant to be a social setting. I hate the social expectations some workplaces have the nerve to have. I think it is the right thing and mature thing to do to accept diverse personalities and the fact that some people just aren't liked. I don't think that just because a woman is a cunt or even a man that isn't liked doesn't deserve to be fired just because they aren't the most popular. I understand in the more decent jobs with higher pays, there is some competitive expectation to have popularity. I still stick with: Fuck you Dean Martin for making the song "you're nobody until somebody loves you." Then after people attack and interrogate you to death, they want to complain that you don't have enough energy. I hate even having to say that because I do want to give a chokehold and starve out the people who are hypercritical of me rather than them feed their arrogant egos because they will always take it in an arrogant way.
On the other end with the slut label, this is where you come from different angles. I think Maggie and I have a share at the person Limbaugh is attacking and I still hate having a share with her. I also got the vibe that you would also connect me to Limbaugh for me to be attacking her. It kills me to know that you are bullshitting my name and killing me for Maggie. You're killing me. I obviously can't see Maggie's trash talk. For me, this is just another example where I think she is being a pig by trash talking my name to have control over me and damn my life in the desperate number of ways she has kept trying to damn my life. When I have the share of the victim with her, I really don't care that I'm being called a slut. I really don't care. It isn't a huge issue to me. If you're Putin and Limbaugh, you give so many emotional mixed signals that you have so many attacks that make no sense when all summed up in the end. If it is from Putin, I wouldn't understand how his culture would be of an effect to me. I don't want to further explore that right now because I already have enough problems to deal with....
Back to just you and me.... You have always given me a lot of mixed signals. Even recently I've felt attacked by you and I'm still not understanding what is going on with you. You are testing me in a number of ways and attacking me in a number of ways and even giving mixed signals. You just aren't making a lot of sense right now. I really do get upset over the times you hurt me and attack me and I've asked you nicely to stop. I've even made more effort in trying to look hot for you. Sometimes, you seem attracted and other times you give me the impression that you don't even want me to try to be or look hot for you. Maybe your trying to say that there is nothing I can do to control you either. Well moreso it is ok for it to be one-sided for the control issue for you to have more freedom than me. I'm not understanding you.
Regardless of whatever mindgame you could be playing or whatever or however you could be being serious with, I may eventually find a man one day who finds me very attractive. I could still make effort to look hot for him all the time even if you want to attack me over looks. There could be a man out there that my attractiveness is good enough for. I still get hit hard sometimes with: if there was a man, he would have found me by now. Besides rigs and some predictability set up to be intentional or not, I havn't completely given up. Sometimes, I am simply too depressed to care.

Random thoughts

Back to just my life personally......
The baby's birth is coming soon. I have less than a month to go and am so anxious and excited. I basically have everything I need. My room is almost ready for the baby. Anxious over the to do list I havn't checked yet, but getting prepared day by day at leisure. And this instance isn't a rude leisure of course. I have yet to make a baby cd. She has been kicking a lot and her kicks are getting a little harder. Not too painful but I feel so stretched. Although I feel I've gained a good bit of weight; I feel like my body is too small or skinny and I should have put on a few more pounds prior to being pregnant to be more body ready. I'll probably lose weight quicker though with how I am now after the pregnancy; I just feel so stretched.

With the tax money I got back; I do have some kind of relief in my life. Not a huge difference but still a little bit of relief. I think I've made up my mind with how I'm going to spend the rest too. I really do hope I have better luck finding a job when I start looking for work again. I still continue with crafts on the side.
And speaking of........ I have finished making a brand new bag design. I really don't care whether or not I copy another bag pattern, but this bag I can say I put together on my own. Only the frame of the structure didn't turn out right. I'm thinking of figuring out if I could put some kind of wiring or cord in it to give it better form, or some other strategy where the form looks like it is supposed to. I'm making one more just like and think I will try a different technique to this one where maybe the finished form won't look as bad. After these two bags, I'm probably just going to make a few more pricier and detailed ones before I start making an inventory of cheaper stuff. I've decided to drastically reduce prices with some crafts and have already figured out new crafts to make with reduced prices as well. It is a new experiment that I hope works out. I'm also not going to make too many of the crafts from last year that didn't sell. I'll probably have drastically reduced prices as well and if the supply and demand ever goes up enough; I just might try some of the crafts again. I'm learning my own personal business experience through time.
I'm also excited because I have decided that I am definitely going to sign up for a festival in the fall. I havn't decided which one yet. I had made a list before of ones that I would be interested in and it had actually turned out to be a large list. I still have one local festival besides the flea markets, but I will probably go out of town this year and try other ones. That will be a learning experience too: which festivals will work and which won't. I still know its not enough to have out of a living and I really do hope I find a job. If I end up really going for being a stripper if too much time runs out and I get desperate; then I just may have to do that. I still havn't figured out how I'm going to work out a plan. I just hope I find a job.

In other thoughts..... nothing is really new. I did sign up for a local running team and have been anxious to hear some news back from them. I probably won't run a marathon until June, but it is another thing to be anxious about and look forward to. ~The Queen City Striders~ That name was interesting to learn especially with the "Ain't nobody going to break my stride song." I don't know if they really got that name from the song, but sometimes it is a nice pumped up self talk song. I still like the song but I won't be in denial about the communism and tyranny that I've really lived in. I'll eventually find more pumped up songs.

Not clear

There really is not a whole lot of new things going on. I definitely have a lot of things to be anxious about and have been dealing with myself in my own time. I don't know how the future is going to be and all I can do is just stay calm.
I watched "The Apprentice," last night. I don't really have a lot of feedback. I am observing that in part of his stockholm, the show is being clingy with my past. In this instance though, it isn't really that serious and it is more of a laughing matter. I don't know if there is any more of an agenda to it other than just laughing or if there is something else that someone may be trying to prove. I do take it as a light-hearted instance, with the character name of "Dee-dee," and don't feel like I should feel threatened over it. As for other instances, there is still some things I am both unsure of and some things that are more obvious. I have nothing more to say. If I am being expected to say anything; I really don't know what is expected of me.
In other drama, there is a blur right now. I feel like somewhere out in the matrix; someone wants me to feel like they are holding me right now and are there. But, it is a blur who the real identity is who wants me to feel their comfort. It could be Seth who I have recently verbally attacked last night and we aren't on the same page as each other. How could he continue to keep undermining me with the pregnancy situation and assume that I'm ok with him?
It could be Jon where it is a completely different issue where he knows he is the one who is too violent and hateful and is backing down to be comforting and affectionate instead. He plays both characters of good and bad and throw out the concept of the cycle of abuse and to want to be affectionate and comforting anyway.....
It isn't that I'm forgetting my own drama; it is that communication on the other end of the matrix is not clear of what is going on. Some of my emotions can't be denied with some things that happen with some people but with the digital concept as a whole; I think the matrix gives itself too much credit for being: real, tangible, and "really here with me." Still not a new issue from before. I've always thought that way, but I've already known that I will never get everything done that is completely my way. It seems most of it is endless talk and compromising that doesn't lead to anywhere.

There is not a lot of other drama on my mind. Today is a typical Monday and a day where I already feel exhausted. Drinking a cup of coffee anyway and have a lot to do on my "to-do list."

Dear Jon

Smack Jason Jones for me. You can smack yourself as well for so many reasons. I'm sure you've discovered by now that you are not the only Prince or even Princess whose real name isn't "Sarah," that is the only demanding person in my life. I should demand to be treated like a princess now, but since there are so many other things going on at once, it is just not on my agenda to take my name so seriously.

You're not really that easy to read right now which can be meant in a couple of ways.
I don't like one direction you are going with the issue of birth control. The baby's dad, John, is probably continuing more battling and competition right now. I'm not trying to win a popularity contest and the last thing on my agenda right now is how my pregnancy came about. The fact is, I'm pregnant and I am having this baby. I think any kind of competition right now over it is ridiculous and desperate. It isn't even relevant. Like so many other people who give me a hard time and are out of my control, he really is out in the cold in my world right now. With how controlling some people are and their technicalities, they might say that things are different in their system and self-sourcing. But, in my world, I have not literally contacted him in months and in the system, I think he's nothing but an asshole who thinks he will win with any domination game he has. Sadly, through experience, I've already learned that some control freaks allow people to get away with things in their own structure and system that I would never see eye to eye with. It is another damning and crippling thing to not be heard and feel denied as a person. It really does suck that he has to be the way he is, but it doesn't mean that he is going to earn any respect from me. I hope not, but he may eventually figure out a way to beat me into his submission. He just doesn't want to seem to give up on being an ass and harassing and even puts it on me where I'm the "stalker."
I just wanted to make myself clear. I think I'll leave the rest to my therapist because I'm sure you have enough of your own drama to deal with. I still havn't figured out the relation and differences between you and John in the system. I wouldn't compare him as your sim, but I do get confused and wonder a little bit.

Back to the beginning of this letter, if you are being demanding, I don't know what your demands are presently. I get a lot of demands from a lot of different places and more than half of the time, I don't even know where the demands are coming from. Yeah, it sucks to be blind. But, if you are expecting or demanding something, you need to make yourself a little more clear for me. I'm also exhausted as well, so it isn't as easy to pay attention to you.

Anderson

Man Anderson, I feel I am constantly in some death trap or matador stadium with you. What is your problem? How am I pissing you off? How can I make you stop?
This is more about the end of your show. The beginning? Another anorexic moment of mine if anything is supposed to be directed at me. Anorexic to the drama and whatever is really going on. I would assume it would be another person's agenda to want to make me feel sexually insecure.

Anyway, the later half of your show. I don't see it the way you see it or whoever is drawing the picture that way. It was a couple of years ago when I had a share/foodstamp on another show that was about "dating and couples therapy." I was "The Love Therapist," where it wasn't about JUST sex. Anyway, in sharing my personal opinions and present views at the time to what my ideals of a relationship are, I think some people probably took that out of control as well. I'm sure you know how predictable it is for women to be catty with each other and even men. People do not like to be told what to do and that includes even me not liking to be told what to do. Sometimes, I do share some ideals of what I think personally and it is only ideals. Other times, I share some thoughts and opinions that sometimes include others, but mostly just what I think of a guy that I could have a fling with. How dare I have my own personal ideals? How dare I have any kind of a say or my own personal perspective of what I thought of a person or the relationship to the person? In recent times, I could call myself more of an "iso," where I get some caveman and stockholm vibes that really do violently and threateningly insinuate: "How dare me?" I may not always know why, I've already said your stockholm is giving me some clueless threatening vibes.
One of my main mottos really has been: "opinions are like assholes, everyone has one." It seems easier said than done and that it isn't a motto of what reality really is. I think some people and their drama have the louder realities than: "we all have assholes." I know I can write my own "soaps," of "As the Sarah Turns," but I can confess that I can be a drama queen. The control factor is something that I have never had a lot of control of anyway.
I feel like there are a number of people who could be saying things about me to you and you make me feel so defenseless sometimes.
Anyway, I just didn't like how in the mistress label, after a number of years, "I lived to tell people how to be in relationships." I have an idea of a possible share of the legal prostitute whose real name isn't mentioned. Have you not caught on to her continued own personal paranoia and wanting to compete with being "the therapist," and telling others how to be in relationships? It isn't only the delusion that is believed by her that I think "I'm the queen and dictator of all relationships," she competes to say "No, she is the queen and dictator of all relationships." Can you not see how desperate, overassumptive/delusional, and ridiculously controlling she is?
Besides that being my main point, is back to the focused main point of her title in being a "prostitute." I really was surprised to learn today that there is a such thing as legal prostitution in the U.S. This was the first time that I have ever heard of it. I'm guessing that only certain states have it, and I guess since Nevada is "sin city," something must have been so out of control or something where it has been legalized. I don't know of other states, but I was surprised that something like that was actually made legal. As for her personally? I've already had my main opinion in the previous paragraph. If I have been "married," and she further wants to compete and make me jealous, I really don't care. I've been anorexic to so much B.S. this whole time and already know I am ignored that I don't care. I really don't know the details of her history. She is obviously seeking attention or maybe she is in a death trap along with me that you put us in. It looks more like she is the one who is going the distance for herself to "be queen and dictator of all relationships." She really is in it alone. I don't know all of her detailed past or present. I don't see her perspective in my eyes at all; I have a totally different perspective that she has no business in even trying to have any authority or control with it. She is on her own in going the distance for herself. I've already had my disappointments in the ways that I have been reduced to nothing and subjected to a number of different women. This really is no different story, just another desperate attempt of someone who wants to entitle herself to "own" me.
You may have more info, but there is a lot to this picture that I just may not see right now other than what stage you are setting.

Saturday Night Live

Going to have to use catty instincts. I had a couple of laughs today when I caught up on the show. It is going to be a little more awkward now with the ~fling~ that I had with Seth, but over time it won't be a big deal most probably......
I think it is Tim aka "Bongo Boy," and Chance Chapman that are there. I had a crush on both of them when I was at ORU. I think I got another random sign a few weeks ago with a video clip of a subway train with Tim being undercover in his own way. I think he pities me and his self but I also think he is around in the matrix because he wants to be there for me and hold my hand in a figurative way......
When I was at ORU, I think having a boyfriend or any relationship serious or not, to be one of the toughest obstacles. Most of the guys I had flings with in Oklahoma were not even in that school because it was that tough to figure out how to connect. I wasn't the ideal ORU honor code student. I went to clubs and so I met some guys both from places I worked and clubbing. I was seriously challenged at ORU to have a boyfriend. I think ORU is one of the toughest places to be challenged to be in a relationship with someone.
There is a bias from both men and women with their own lists of biased reasons:
-They are at the school for the education, not to be married. There was even a joke to "have a ring by spring."
-There are the regular Christian idealogies and bias that Christians even have with each other. Therefore, the chemistry is different and challenging. The chemistry isn't everything. There are high sexual standards that have a higher value with chastity and waiting until one is married.
-Besides people being focused on their own education, there is still a smaller amount of desperation to be in a relationship in the school's environment. It is the type of school where people do want someone who they feel is very compatible. (although some statistics have shown that ORU marriages have a high divorce rate. I think it is 50%).
-There are always a lot of mind games, but the focused mind games or themes during that time made it impossible as well. There was a strong encouragement and push for Christian women to be more feministic. Being either submissive or a sex object at that school especially for women was something that was seen negatively and constantly reminded against. Also, the book, "He's just not that into you," was a big hit during the time I was in school.
(The environment in this town is anything but that. I have yet to figure out everything. Sometimes it is caveman concept. Sometimes it is swinging or a Burlusconi concept. But with the way things are, it is difficult to say a specific concept of anything. Well, yes and no.)
-Before I was hit with so much confusion in capitalism, and besides so many other obstacles and impossibilites, I thought there were so many guys who seriously were out of my league at that school. I know I can come across as being arrogant myself sometimes, but some guys had the potential to be so intimidating. Not all of them were purposefully intimidating, but some I could just look and think to myself without hardly knowing them: "He is way too out of my league."
I was most depressed my senior year and left that school not caring that I was never engaged or married to anyone.

I did have a good time in getting out and living in a city for a few years. I had ups and downs but overall loved the experience of both the school and the city of Tulsa itself....
......Chance Chapman, back to him. He was a crush with a matrix connection that was too abstract/surreal. I could tell besides something going on with everyone, something was going on with that baseball team. There is a lot of detailed drama that I'm probably involved with that I don't know about yet. With how things were run, I definitely had an "MIA Paper Planes," attitude when I was at that school as well. I never understood the structure; I just know I despised and even sometimes loathed it. Maybe Chance is around to hold my hand too. I don't really know the drama that is going on with him. I did have a few laughs though. He is one of the people that was being puppeted to me a few times. Him, and bobble-head Dane Towelry. It was impossible to make any relational connections on my end. It was one-sided in its own way. They kept me entertained and threatened. I could see them as cavemen or their own version of Christian-Arab human trafficking/ male-order bride men. They weren't the only ones who came across that way. Those two and Shawn Shaffer and Eric Hanson could have all inspired the movie "Atonement." Now, it could be Tim and Chance who don't want to figuratively be the dying soldier at the end. Some guys just seem to mysteriously drop off a cliff without any ending and some just remain mysterious cats. I couldn't say I have the same intense emotions, but I could say I have a friendly care-free mindset right now. In my emotional state, I could change any moment.

Anderson

Anderson, I really don't know why you are so pissed at me today, but you are so offensive.
Are you seriously calling me a real hooker? Are you seriously accusing me of that? People have talked trash on me before, but coming from you, it really is disappointing for you to even think of looking at me like that. I think you're going extreme and overboard with some of the stripper statements that I've made.
It is upsetting to see some of your actions and that I have to be more doubtful of you with some things. You fail to see the degradation in David. Another side thought is overassumptiveness. I like David Grey's music for the cd. I am so sick of being the one who is responsible for the assumptions that other people make. Back to the original thought with David. You are making my life so much worse and more dangerous that you would open a door to him like that into my life. I know he is purposefully making one statement into his own context to be serious (sexaholic, sex addiction) so that I will feel "inferior," and "intimidated," by him. "Dr. David" Anderson, this is pathetic. It is degrading for him to give himself the entitlement to judgementally degrade me into "thinking that I need his sex education." You are so offensive Anderson and it is pissing me off. Further, it is most likely going to be a danger to me in the drama that it will create in my world. You must have taken some kind of note in some of the people I'm working with in my pregnancy. Regardless of what you think of my sister, I think she is desperately psycho and going to use this as another reason to go psycho on me.
I'm already overwhelmed by enough predatory men in my life; I don't need an additional to try to make me his conquest and aggressively make me feel inadequate. I also don't need the extra drama in my life over something I wasn't responsible of in the first place.
Why, Anderson, Why?

Thoughts of the day

lol I have my first follower in one of my blog titles. I actually didn't do too bad when I was blogging on Myspace and had a large number. I think this blog site definitely works better than the old. It has been so long since I have been on Myspace.
Anyway, today is another lazy day. January is still more of a busy month but I still can't stand the cabin fever. I have some things to do around the house. I was listening to one of my U2 cd's today and know that that cd will definitely be one of my cd's to listen to when I am in labor. Besides gliding with the lyrics, I felt a little bad to remember that there is some kind of battle going on between U2 and Coldplay. Had I never felt so thrown into the matrix, I probably wouldn't be so egocentric, but it is one of those things that I can't help but think my thoughts really matter as to whose side I am on with Coldplay and U2. I don't even know what the battle is about. As far as I know, it isn't anything that is too severe. I hated discovering one matrix connection with Coldplay and how things ended up with a share or connection that I had met. I just don't want to imagine the lead singer of Coldplay being that type of guy. I don't always trust or seriously believe everything I hear, but sometimes I wonder about the extent of truth to some of the things that do get wired. I've been to a Coldplay concert, but have yet to go to a U2 concert. None the less, I still am a major fan of them both. It is a little more awkward though with the one connection with Coldplay. I'm not sure how I would be responsive to them if it were to be taken with truth or I would ever see them again in the matrix. Sometimes, I wonder if he has a share on House. I think it is possible that one of my literal Dr's could be having a share with House.

In other thoughts, the baby's father was in the spotlight again. I think it is funny that just in one night people are given so much to work with. I still don't have full trust in the system. I don't know how to take the girlfriend thing. It could go in one of two ways and if he were claiming me as his girlfriend, I would remain anorexic to it. So gamblers, there is your gambled answer. In playing with another thought of how he expressed his self image, I'm not sure about that either. During the night, I could tell him and his friends was some kind of matrix set up and he even was giving mixed signals about being straight or gay. So what did I do? I asked. We later got a room that night. Yeah, the whole acting thing was a little immature with whatever type of game that he was playing. I would think that he would just be straight forward about it. If he really wasn't that sexually interested, he would have done something to really get that point across. He didn't. I was out to have fun anyway, so I really didn't make a big deal about whatever matrix game was going on. As for having my own personal opinion? I can see how he could call himself a pretty boy, but I think he could also qualify as a macho guy or meathead. Heck, he works as a fire fighter. I think pretty boys or even metro boys are usually stereotyped to be gay, but macho men or meatheads could be bisexual or gay too. I don't think a person's sense of fashion is always the indicator of sexual preference. Some do use it to give a more obvious impression. I really don't know him that well to say a comparison of how much I would think he is a pretty boy to a meathead. I definitely think he is judgemental and one-sided. That is some kind of chauvenism. Nothing else has changed though. If attempts to keep him calm are working, than I hope he is calm. I havn't been in contact with him and don't know when I will get around to making LITERAL AND PERSONAL contact with him.

In other thoughts, not a whole lot is new. I always feel like I am getting tested and it varies to how annoying it can be. I really don't have a lot to say or a lot of time to want to invest with several ways I have been tested. It is just something I am writing off. With a few certain people, I really don't know how much it would affect me or my baby's survival. I don't know if some threats should be taken seriously. I do brush off and write off the intimidation but wonder if my life could be in serious jeapardy. Well, I really have gotten death threats but this instance of being threatened and tested is different. It may turn into an eventual bridge to cross, but I'm just giving the usual unresponsive stare to the people who are entitling themselves to be so testing.

Thoughts and talk

This weekend was alright. I definitely have a busy month ahead of me and am excited that I won't be sitting around the house as much or bored. I'm also looking forward to my knitting hobby. I won a free raffle with a free baby pattern book and it is a small thrill and blessing for me. I also have a class coming up where I will learn to make a baby sweater. I'll eventually make a sweater for myself but I will be learning the basics of clothing. I've already learned quite a bit of accessories and am excited to branch off of the basics and throw in a mix of things to come up with my own creations for accessories. I think I'm going to be looking for a part time job sooner that I would have originally planned. I've already been jobless long enough, but before I wait to get a full time, I have to have at least some kind of financial relief. Speaking of, I think I've already been tested too much and it has already been past the point of no return with my patience, but I got a laugh today when Anderson tested my patience with finances. Well Anderson, like Kathy Gifford anyway (I think Griffin and her have shares) I do have times where I don't take myself so seriously. The Kathy drama is still going on. I really havn't been paying too much close attention but have some attention. I claim myself as anorexic to her having any shares with either of their names and play the role of "friends are just close enemies." I still hate that I feel I can't get rid of various friends of my past. I hate that I know to this day I sometimes still get judged by past associations.

In other thoughts. The spotlight of the baby's father is growing. I'll start calling him John now. I don't really consider myself growing any warmer to him. I think I'm realizing some things more for myself though: I just don't trust him in a number of ways. I may be more detailed or elaborate in later times. I can say while I know we are not engaged or getting married or anything; I look at him like Linda looks at Adam in the movie "Anger Management." If we were ever together or if I were to ever move in (and if I ever had the money to really do anything for myself) I really would see it as Anger Management. I'm sure he probably already has his bad thoughts and talk about me. That is part of my point: He is his first priority. While it is his free will to put himself first, I would never let myself be more damned than how my life has been damned by so many other things for him. It was never my fault to be this damned to begin with. But, I would do everything in my ability to prevent him from having any more control over damnation or hurting me for himself.
I think there are some people who are being nice to him so everything stays calm and where there is no serious drama. I don't have any strong feelings about it, and it is something he is on his own on. In just the day I was with him, I did find him to be attractive. I like Pitbull's music. I have already naturally gotten my groove on before there was ever a share with John. In just the night, it would have a better picture painting of what the real setting of the night was and that we both knew we were having fun. I still don't have too much trust in what the matrix says. I don't know if it is true or not if he has really been with my sister or has any kind of attachment or if he wants to use her to control me. I don't care if Pitbull makes it popular; Hell no with you me and my sister John. HELL NO



I know the video's story line or lyrics aren't an accurate match either.

I know a player is a player, but my sister? I'm not crazy about his other player moves either. He is still not on my good side.

In other thoughts, it varies with how my blogs are bridged with other people. Especially with how the Chicago theme has gone, I think he is going to be the type to have a victimization contest over gossip and exploits. I think he is going to want to be trapping about it with the technicalities.

I don't really have a lot of other things on my mind right now.