Dear Jon

Last night is definitely an instance where I just can't pull off any acting or a hooker heart. Something already tells me you know you make it impossible and want the truth anyway....and before I say what I usually say, my most persistant and first question to ask is: WHY? What the fuck is your problem? Why do you put me through the things you put me through? Why do you waste my time?
I had already said that there is no symbolism with Mitzi and Mitt Romney. You are sick, psycho, and offensive to play mind games like that. Once again, your insinuations are way off and I'm not understanding why you would attack me the way you attack me. My best assumptions would be control freak tactics or for the sake of your crackhead drug addiction. It really is different for someone like you to say what you say compared to others. You have your own literal TV show; you have real credentials; you have wealth. Either I'm just too much of a cunt for people to give a shit about your bullshit or you're just being a crackhead and supporting and ganging with fellow crackheads. I would just think you would care more about being competent and staying on your feet somewhat with intelligence. I hate your bullshit and see it more as you having some kind of fear over something to intentionally smack me with arrogant punches in order to beat me into submission more. If you are seriously inquisitive about my relationship with my grandparents, I really don't know what you are trying to ask. I just see your desperate and arrogant crackheaded judgement that paints the picture in the worst ways of me. I think that not only do you want to create a more damning ruckus with my grandparents to control me and also to lie about me in front of my past Dr. so he will believe that I am delusional in my baby being a presidential candidate. Fuck you and all your damnations Jon. Fuck you.
The only pressure I feel right now is that I am being reminded of just how much of a cunt and how hated I am and that I need to be more desperate to try to figure out how to survive. I've already told my therapist that I just don't know how to beg or be desperate. I really don't. Especially with the fights that you pick, you make it so impossible for me to be desperate or your beggar. I don't know how to be desperate or beg for anyone. I feel moreso that you do want me to fight and be your punching bag but it obviously can't happen right now and I really wish you had different intentions from what you wanted of me. You have made me cry and sob on occassion and the most recent sob just wasn't enough for you to be satisfied. Why? What the fuck is your problem? What do you want?
As for the Dr. while you are giving some kind of connection and confirmation on his end that some people really are out there and I'm not delusional, I still can't understand why you shift the weights of control when you relieve me in one way but conspire in another. After all of these years you are finally making a connection with one Dr and one of the biggest burdens in wanting to be acknowledged and taken seriously. All of these years. Other people either avoid or look over and communicate anyway. Sometimes some people don't recognize how big of a problem it was or has been with some people. Other people do give some sort of acknowledgement but are still clueless and I am still vulnerable. I do like the further understanding of the island concept. I just don't understand why after all of this time and why again with how you shift the weight of control? I don't have any more to say about Shawn or Charlie. I would assume that you would have more info in regards to them than I would. All of them combined (Shawn, Charlie, and the Dr.) seemed like nothing but another dead end. I'm reminding you with how you've already underestimated my naivety that even NY knows when they wrote the subway story. Of course it wasn't straight forward but it did give an obvious insinuation at the end of it.
I'm sick of your provoking with the childishness to be bickering or pick fights so you can "knight me into womanhood." I'm also sick of the way you and other people have been neverendingly ridiculous in setting the bar either ridicuslously too high or too low. It is so ridiculous. I'm sick of the further insult that you think I'm such a fool to so many manipulations. Why Jon? WHY?????????????????????????