I have yet to see the last episode of Apprentice or even watch YouTube.
I've already "been fired," from the show, so no future surprises were really surprising. I feel I am experiencing more provoking and feuding though at the end.
I hate being on bad terms with people, but I feel the need to keep my ground and remain standing.
Extent is the keyword. Job description is another key word. This means that although I may be the loser, I still have boundaries and my own territorial view of myself.
I'm upset, because I think I've already experienced enough Tyranny and extreme issues of control where the word "boundary" seems to never had been read from a dictionary.
I know there is always a structural/systematic rule that was used against me for the fact that I drink and let loose.
It is what both makes me angry and even more disregarding. I am once again being manipulated in how to live my life.
No, I havn't even been to an office party nor even have partied with them outside of work. Setting is the factor. At my literal job, no. I still have yet to figure out this setting. But even at my literal job, I'm mostly anti social and still won't be told how to live my life outside of work.
I am not going to throw drinking and letting loose out the door just because some people want to use that against me for their reason of not being impressed.
I would rather just let them talk and simmer than change myselt to be a people pleaser, conform, or competitively up moral standards and feud over being a black sheep with people. I just don't roll that way. I live my life the way I want. People can be impressed or unimpressed.
After everything I have been through, I consider myself to have lost no ground. I know what I have experienced, I know the abuse, riggings, and manipulations I go through.
I still wish people would just admit that they don't like me and label me as a free thinker. They could even add on with other adjectives and adverbs. I'm just sick of either being set up to fail or called inadequate when I really think there is more to the issue than meets the eye.
The difficult thing is the varied and numerous groups I have been through. Not every group I have been through is the same. I still feel like a lot of people really do not know or understand me. I still remind so many others that we see the world differently. I do feel very rigged and manipulated in so many instances that I've lived through and that I have experienced additional abuse in a lot of situations. Again, it is what I decide of when how and who I want to express myself. There will always be exploiters who want to exploit every details. I will remind other people though that there is a difference between an exploit and a personal shared expression whether it is a sincere choice or forced way of getting me to talk.
So, how do I conclude? I continue with my life the way it is now. If I have to remind people of what my views are, or my up to date thoughts or opinions of things that matter, than I may say some things.
Until then, I press on to the future, and continue to look for ways to be more preserved, and throughout the tricks and trials, learn from my experiences.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Random thoughts of the day
Today really hasn't been that eventful, but productive enough.
Hmmmm. I'm looking forward on the continuation of my business. I continue to meet more people within my crafting network and am happy for my business to be a little more out there. Right now, money is too tight, so there is not a whole lot I can do. In the meantime, I spent a small sum of money anyway (which in my current budget is a lot) to take a class to advance my knitting skills. It is the basic mandatory class I need to take before the knitting instructor really wants me to progress onto other projects. There have been other ideas I have had in mind, but because of money and expenses, every single time her response is that I need to take the basic knitting class first. Anyway, I'm excited to both learn and get it out of the way so I can learn how to knit other things.
The next thought is yesterday's news with Kathy Griffin.
I feel that I do not deserve any kind of support, loyalty, offense, or defense from any branch of the military, but the troops booed Kathy anyway over a comment she made over Bristol.
While I may not be directly connected, I still appreciate it very much.
Thank you U.S. military and troops. Thank you for booing her.
I've already previewed some night time shows and I think I'm going to go with Letterman tonight. I see Conan is back on and Lopez is on at a later time. I may not be able to see the entire show of each of the shows. In my world and structure, even though I have a high hatred for human trafficking and past judgement, harassment, and blasts, I still have a spontaneous and observable approach to night time shows.
I think there is a lack of choice, privacy, level of control, level of chaos, but I deal with different things as it comes.
In another random thought, I invented a mixed drink tonight that I'll just call: ice cream drink. On a poor budget, I have limited liquor's and liquids at my parent's house. So, tonight's drink, I have some leftover ginger brandy from Thanksgiving that I mixed with some eggnog (which was really good). And my inventive drink of the night is the ginger brandy with some cream soda and milk. For people who read into things, I'm not trying to be perverted (with other catty relations I have observed before). But anyway, it really does taste a lot like ice cream. It is pretty good. It wouldn't be my favorite or first choice of a mixed drink, but its not bad for my own limited budget experiment.
Speaking of money, I really do hate my own life's limits, but as I live, I make the most with what I have. It can be so bothersome at times where I have felt like I have definitely had better prosperous days. I still look forward to the future while I make the best of what I have now.
Hmmmm. I'm looking forward on the continuation of my business. I continue to meet more people within my crafting network and am happy for my business to be a little more out there. Right now, money is too tight, so there is not a whole lot I can do. In the meantime, I spent a small sum of money anyway (which in my current budget is a lot) to take a class to advance my knitting skills. It is the basic mandatory class I need to take before the knitting instructor really wants me to progress onto other projects. There have been other ideas I have had in mind, but because of money and expenses, every single time her response is that I need to take the basic knitting class first. Anyway, I'm excited to both learn and get it out of the way so I can learn how to knit other things.
The next thought is yesterday's news with Kathy Griffin.
I feel that I do not deserve any kind of support, loyalty, offense, or defense from any branch of the military, but the troops booed Kathy anyway over a comment she made over Bristol.
While I may not be directly connected, I still appreciate it very much.
Thank you U.S. military and troops. Thank you for booing her.
I've already previewed some night time shows and I think I'm going to go with Letterman tonight. I see Conan is back on and Lopez is on at a later time. I may not be able to see the entire show of each of the shows. In my world and structure, even though I have a high hatred for human trafficking and past judgement, harassment, and blasts, I still have a spontaneous and observable approach to night time shows.
I think there is a lack of choice, privacy, level of control, level of chaos, but I deal with different things as it comes.
In another random thought, I invented a mixed drink tonight that I'll just call: ice cream drink. On a poor budget, I have limited liquor's and liquids at my parent's house. So, tonight's drink, I have some leftover ginger brandy from Thanksgiving that I mixed with some eggnog (which was really good). And my inventive drink of the night is the ginger brandy with some cream soda and milk. For people who read into things, I'm not trying to be perverted (with other catty relations I have observed before). But anyway, it really does taste a lot like ice cream. It is pretty good. It wouldn't be my favorite or first choice of a mixed drink, but its not bad for my own limited budget experiment.
Speaking of money, I really do hate my own life's limits, but as I live, I make the most with what I have. It can be so bothersome at times where I have felt like I have definitely had better prosperous days. I still look forward to the future while I make the best of what I have now.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Not enough Time in the Day
I really wish there were more time.
So much to say. Only some things to choose to write.
I feel I have gotten some things accomplished today, but just not enough time to do everything I need to do.
I wish I had more time to read some more twitter articles and blogs too. I think if some info is important enough, someone may find some way to reach me to talk about it.
Other than that, I feel like I do have some conversations sometimes.
Most conversations, still seem to be unresolved. I think some people are trying to use different strategies or sneaky ways to attack me for whatever reason, victimization game, or domination game. It usually falls under one of those categories where people usually try to blame me.
Anyway, I remain on my own and still like it that way.
I do pick up on some drama though where I am concerned with other people.
One situation I do not know how far some connections or matrixes may go. I only have one direct example whose names I will leave out.
I consider one person to be hateful, hostile, and to be straightforward, abusive. I question if he has sincere feelings toward me. I think his issues of anger may be bigger than any positive feelings he may have. And to add on, it is a dangerous situation and not something that I would feel safe in pursuing.
The other person who is involved puts me in a tough and undecided spot where I feel I have to choose one side or the other and meaning it in a platonic way. I think the other person wants to defend my honor despite issues or things he may have against me. I'm still very upset over the matter, but right now, I really feel the need to stay focused and very directive in my own personal life. I feel like I should take this person's side, in a platonic sense, and I am.
I don't have time to cover all of the drama.
I feel approached by someone to help another, and I hardly even know him. He is an obvious attraction, definitely a well-known attraction and ladies man. But the issue of distance is a factor, along with the factor that I don't really know him well. I would be willing and make myself available to give some kind of company or someone to talk to, but I don't know what he wants or how I can help him. I feel sorry for him.
I also think Russia may be wanting to use him to lessen my blows, harshness, anger, and arguments that I have against them.
There is some other drama going on that I really do want more details. The thing is the dilemma of it all. I'm a secretive person, and there are most likely numbers of people who are wrong in guessing what kind of drama I would want more details and story on. So, I will remain silent until I figure out some ways to choose my agenda.
So much to say. Only some things to choose to write.
I feel I have gotten some things accomplished today, but just not enough time to do everything I need to do.
I wish I had more time to read some more twitter articles and blogs too. I think if some info is important enough, someone may find some way to reach me to talk about it.
Other than that, I feel like I do have some conversations sometimes.
Most conversations, still seem to be unresolved. I think some people are trying to use different strategies or sneaky ways to attack me for whatever reason, victimization game, or domination game. It usually falls under one of those categories where people usually try to blame me.
Anyway, I remain on my own and still like it that way.
I do pick up on some drama though where I am concerned with other people.
One situation I do not know how far some connections or matrixes may go. I only have one direct example whose names I will leave out.
I consider one person to be hateful, hostile, and to be straightforward, abusive. I question if he has sincere feelings toward me. I think his issues of anger may be bigger than any positive feelings he may have. And to add on, it is a dangerous situation and not something that I would feel safe in pursuing.
The other person who is involved puts me in a tough and undecided spot where I feel I have to choose one side or the other and meaning it in a platonic way. I think the other person wants to defend my honor despite issues or things he may have against me. I'm still very upset over the matter, but right now, I really feel the need to stay focused and very directive in my own personal life. I feel like I should take this person's side, in a platonic sense, and I am.
I don't have time to cover all of the drama.
I feel approached by someone to help another, and I hardly even know him. He is an obvious attraction, definitely a well-known attraction and ladies man. But the issue of distance is a factor, along with the factor that I don't really know him well. I would be willing and make myself available to give some kind of company or someone to talk to, but I don't know what he wants or how I can help him. I feel sorry for him.
I also think Russia may be wanting to use him to lessen my blows, harshness, anger, and arguments that I have against them.
There is some other drama going on that I really do want more details. The thing is the dilemma of it all. I'm a secretive person, and there are most likely numbers of people who are wrong in guessing what kind of drama I would want more details and story on. So, I will remain silent until I figure out some ways to choose my agenda.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
So much attention yesterday
Where do I begin, I think I will talk about the magazine in a whole different blog.
As for yesterday's gossip and internet articles, it is another overload.
Gossip flies in wierd ways. Because it has been known of my stubborness and headstrongness, I think I have been pretty much back to back my entire life with numbers of people. Therefore, it is common for continued feuds of "you don't know me," and intentional dysfunction so that other people who may have a larger crowd will get away with their stalking and issues of competence.
Yes, being solo, it does have its positives and negatives. One of the negatives is it is much more difficult to recieve an honest and competent acknowledgement.
I continuously have to reassert myself to say I am queen of my own world. In some settings there is reasonable lines and job descriptions that I don't have a problem with. I plow through manipulations and communistic people none the less.
Yes, I have a serious issue with Bree. While we both don't know each other, because she is part of the bandwagon, she will always get the upperhand of the "you don't know me" fued, and it is expected that I will be at her mercy on ends of communication.
In picking up on another's gossip yesterday, I think she may have directed Bree at being a "best friend" in college and maybe even trying to fill in some puzzles that she must have some how been wired and systematically simmed in my college world somehow. I have seen some connections that possibly trail back to Sid even though I never even saw Sid in Oklahoma. The matrix has weird ways of working. Anyhow, I think somehow, people networked them to be involved in my college life. There were semi-relationships with guys that I went through that really weren't serious but moreso crushes or guys that I played games with. I have never considered Bree a best friend and even current gossip times "a lover." I think she did catch on to the whole horse thing that was commercialized by others and my anger against it. People honestly were trying to make me paranoid over the issue. I think because it was a failed attempt of some people's fantasy; they made me the scapegoat. It isn't surprising or unpredictable that they would. They knew I was offended, but in most ego fueds, my offenses usually aren't acknowledged. If they are acknowledged, they are acknowledged in a way where I am in some kind of committed crime, being a terrorist, or being some kind of hater in some way when there really is a more complicated story that gets extremely boxed.
Anyway, I blamed Jon the most. I said he, among other men have issues that I do not have a begging or slave mentality towards them. Because of it, they are trying to save their own ego by telling others that there is something wrong with me. Sometimes, it is "schizophrenia," (but I think they are learning most people no longer buy it). Oftentimes, it is that I must be a lesbian. There were other times though where some guys throughout life have presented themselves to "seriously care," and said that I was cheating on them with someone else. This is another example that I complain about the expectation factor. I have not, let alone, gone on a date or had opportunities to spend time in getting to know them or even feel comfortable knowing them in a normal way.
And, I also expressed my anger at Bree that she is not my mom and that I am still queen of my own world. She may have some roles in scattered manipulated matrix positions where she is the boss BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I GIVE MY LIFE TO HER OR THAT SHE OWNS ME. I think she among others do try to go beyond my borderline just to prove they can, and I have ridiculed them back to say that they only play with themselves. I have said that their manipulations really do not have much power or control in my life while with other people they may get away with it.
Sid, he stays mysterious as usual, but I am starting to pick up on an expected slave mentality he wants from me. If I do not get him; am on the same page; know what is going on in his life; then I'm the "stupid one." He is such a pig to have the nerve to call me "Rose" and at the same time expect me to know everything about him. Throughout my mixed feelings he has failed to see that I'm really not his constant stalking Rose. I guess I could be a little stalkish sometimes when I am seeking info to look out for my own safety. And sometimes, I am curious about himself. But, I am not his slave. I refuse to be "at his mercy." I reminded him that I am not part of his commune; that I have a mind of my own and can speak for myself.
To continue on with the idea; I toss aside the idea that Katie and I are twins. Maybe to acknowledge us as so brings about some peace to people and competitions that they can get in. But, I think it is sloppy, one-sided, cookie cutter, and lazy judgement to call my sister and I twins. Maybe if I were in a city there would be more sophisticated and open-minded recognition. But usually, when I am compared to my sister or shared systematically with other people, I continue to grow tired of manipulation.
Yes, I am obviously relating to shared feelings with this song. I am just altogether and have been sick of the system. Shared feelings only go so far. People have different values, cares, and so on after a vague or outer layer of onion commonality.
Bob, it looks like someone is threatening to murder you and maybe even confronting you on being a predator. It convinces me of more responsibility you must have for the chaos in my life. I also get convinced of other things. Because I don't know many details I don't know what to say. I'll draw more attention to you, but I have no comment. At this time, I choose to be silent.
Another connection in my world was the issue with the indoor boyfriend.
http://www.lemondrop.com/2010/11/18/have-you-ever-had-an-indoor-boyfriend/?icid=maing%7Cmain5%7C5%7Clink2%7C29256
I understand that people must somehow want to create structure and take out chaos by creating a setting that may make some sense. It does to an extent, but the truth is, I am still alone and untouched. I am not snuggling with anyone. I do not have a real life presence that is with me where we have plenty of spoken conversation. Yes, there are crazy methods of communication, but to see the picture like others do; I don't. I think it also could be a testing. In this instance, I am bothered by the questioning. Some people may see him as "obnoxious." Some people may percieve me as "uncomfortable and/or embarassed." But the truth is, I am appreciative of the manliness. It is something I would want. I don't understand how it is visualized or put together in my world. I may feel uncomfortable but I think it is an obviously uncomfortable situation and I do give appreciation at the work done to be protecting. Once again though, the trouble is I see a couple of different connections where even Sid may be trying to reach me and I don't really know who feels that way about me.
In other rumors, I think people want to inform me that my sister may have slept with Joe Flacco. I never understood Joe to begin with. I'm not really heartbroken, but it makes more sense as to why he would have hostile aggression against me. I still do not know what it is that he is trying to get at.
I already have given some feedback in other places I have been to some people. After being put in some kind of spotlight, I am sure that they somehow know how I feel, and hopefully the message comes across very competently and honestly. I don't quite understand the setting or how connections are made. More manipulation. And either kidnap talk or cheap talk. (In a kidnapped situation, feelings are always manipulated anyway).
I'll write a blog later on where I talk about the magazine articles. ........
As for yesterday's gossip and internet articles, it is another overload.
Gossip flies in wierd ways. Because it has been known of my stubborness and headstrongness, I think I have been pretty much back to back my entire life with numbers of people. Therefore, it is common for continued feuds of "you don't know me," and intentional dysfunction so that other people who may have a larger crowd will get away with their stalking and issues of competence.
Yes, being solo, it does have its positives and negatives. One of the negatives is it is much more difficult to recieve an honest and competent acknowledgement.
I continuously have to reassert myself to say I am queen of my own world. In some settings there is reasonable lines and job descriptions that I don't have a problem with. I plow through manipulations and communistic people none the less.
Yes, I have a serious issue with Bree. While we both don't know each other, because she is part of the bandwagon, she will always get the upperhand of the "you don't know me" fued, and it is expected that I will be at her mercy on ends of communication.
In picking up on another's gossip yesterday, I think she may have directed Bree at being a "best friend" in college and maybe even trying to fill in some puzzles that she must have some how been wired and systematically simmed in my college world somehow. I have seen some connections that possibly trail back to Sid even though I never even saw Sid in Oklahoma. The matrix has weird ways of working. Anyhow, I think somehow, people networked them to be involved in my college life. There were semi-relationships with guys that I went through that really weren't serious but moreso crushes or guys that I played games with. I have never considered Bree a best friend and even current gossip times "a lover." I think she did catch on to the whole horse thing that was commercialized by others and my anger against it. People honestly were trying to make me paranoid over the issue. I think because it was a failed attempt of some people's fantasy; they made me the scapegoat. It isn't surprising or unpredictable that they would. They knew I was offended, but in most ego fueds, my offenses usually aren't acknowledged. If they are acknowledged, they are acknowledged in a way where I am in some kind of committed crime, being a terrorist, or being some kind of hater in some way when there really is a more complicated story that gets extremely boxed.
Anyway, I blamed Jon the most. I said he, among other men have issues that I do not have a begging or slave mentality towards them. Because of it, they are trying to save their own ego by telling others that there is something wrong with me. Sometimes, it is "schizophrenia," (but I think they are learning most people no longer buy it). Oftentimes, it is that I must be a lesbian. There were other times though where some guys throughout life have presented themselves to "seriously care," and said that I was cheating on them with someone else. This is another example that I complain about the expectation factor. I have not, let alone, gone on a date or had opportunities to spend time in getting to know them or even feel comfortable knowing them in a normal way.
And, I also expressed my anger at Bree that she is not my mom and that I am still queen of my own world. She may have some roles in scattered manipulated matrix positions where she is the boss BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I GIVE MY LIFE TO HER OR THAT SHE OWNS ME. I think she among others do try to go beyond my borderline just to prove they can, and I have ridiculed them back to say that they only play with themselves. I have said that their manipulations really do not have much power or control in my life while with other people they may get away with it.
Sid, he stays mysterious as usual, but I am starting to pick up on an expected slave mentality he wants from me. If I do not get him; am on the same page; know what is going on in his life; then I'm the "stupid one." He is such a pig to have the nerve to call me "Rose" and at the same time expect me to know everything about him. Throughout my mixed feelings he has failed to see that I'm really not his constant stalking Rose. I guess I could be a little stalkish sometimes when I am seeking info to look out for my own safety. And sometimes, I am curious about himself. But, I am not his slave. I refuse to be "at his mercy." I reminded him that I am not part of his commune; that I have a mind of my own and can speak for myself.
To continue on with the idea; I toss aside the idea that Katie and I are twins. Maybe to acknowledge us as so brings about some peace to people and competitions that they can get in. But, I think it is sloppy, one-sided, cookie cutter, and lazy judgement to call my sister and I twins. Maybe if I were in a city there would be more sophisticated and open-minded recognition. But usually, when I am compared to my sister or shared systematically with other people, I continue to grow tired of manipulation.
Yes, I am obviously relating to shared feelings with this song. I am just altogether and have been sick of the system. Shared feelings only go so far. People have different values, cares, and so on after a vague or outer layer of onion commonality.
Bob, it looks like someone is threatening to murder you and maybe even confronting you on being a predator. It convinces me of more responsibility you must have for the chaos in my life. I also get convinced of other things. Because I don't know many details I don't know what to say. I'll draw more attention to you, but I have no comment. At this time, I choose to be silent.
Another connection in my world was the issue with the indoor boyfriend.
http://www.lemondrop.com/2010/11/18/have-you-ever-had-an-indoor-boyfriend/?icid=maing%7Cmain5%7C5%7Clink2%7C29256
I understand that people must somehow want to create structure and take out chaos by creating a setting that may make some sense. It does to an extent, but the truth is, I am still alone and untouched. I am not snuggling with anyone. I do not have a real life presence that is with me where we have plenty of spoken conversation. Yes, there are crazy methods of communication, but to see the picture like others do; I don't. I think it also could be a testing. In this instance, I am bothered by the questioning. Some people may see him as "obnoxious." Some people may percieve me as "uncomfortable and/or embarassed." But the truth is, I am appreciative of the manliness. It is something I would want. I don't understand how it is visualized or put together in my world. I may feel uncomfortable but I think it is an obviously uncomfortable situation and I do give appreciation at the work done to be protecting. Once again though, the trouble is I see a couple of different connections where even Sid may be trying to reach me and I don't really know who feels that way about me.
In other rumors, I think people want to inform me that my sister may have slept with Joe Flacco. I never understood Joe to begin with. I'm not really heartbroken, but it makes more sense as to why he would have hostile aggression against me. I still do not know what it is that he is trying to get at.
I already have given some feedback in other places I have been to some people. After being put in some kind of spotlight, I am sure that they somehow know how I feel, and hopefully the message comes across very competently and honestly. I don't quite understand the setting or how connections are made. More manipulation. And either kidnap talk or cheap talk. (In a kidnapped situation, feelings are always manipulated anyway).
I'll write a blog later on where I talk about the magazine articles. ........
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
A lot of random thoughts
Well today there are some things that are both fresh and not fresh.
I think I'll start with the not so fresh before the fresh.
First nonfresh issue is whoever is going through the psychologist/psychiatrist routine this time. It isn't that I am not interested in psychology. I love the magazine Psychology Today; but I see more sadism with the intent than anything else. Yes, me and other people experience depressive moments. What else is really new and what else havn't I really heard before? I do not need to be told how to live my life, as a matter of fact to the neglectful psychologist who forgets who the real problem is, I am very much more happy when I am my own boss.
Even though I think Sid is a Jekyl and Hyde right now and that our situation seems more surfaced and less mermish, I think I'm going to play a little defensive and loyal to him. I can't see who it is that is ridiculing him and trying to rub it in with some of his own misery that he has, but shut the fuck up. Whether he is man or monster, you really aren't solving anything, you're just being a bigotting harassing bitch that needs to just shut up.
Jon Stewart is also a non-fresh issue. He continously makes his own sadism and sick forcefulness more and more obvious. He actually has the nerve to be obvious about wanting some satisfaction out of me or wanting to care about the hate he has. I am once again getting pigeon-holed by his ignorance and hatred where he wants to label and demonize me more.
Onto some fresh thoughts.
I havn't forgotten how small I am and how big the media is, but I still choose to be opinionated regardless. I don't worship the media or declare the media as my ultimate truth or salvation, but I appreciate some support and defense that I get from time to time. I have fresh support with the Wall Street Journal. I really have brushed off namecalls of me being immature and little-girlish, but I give acknowledgement to remind other people who are so concerned what others think and the media thinks that Wall Street thinks "I am grown up in a Libertarian sense."
Anyway, I remain thick-skinned with maturity issue.
Speaking of maturity there is a person involved in my history who is not so fresh with predictability but fresh with current battles. Her perception of maturity is much different and even though I consider it sadistic for her to condescend me and another as children, I bring attention to the fact that other people have different perceptions of what it means to be mature. It is the different values in life that people choose to develop more and mature on. I wish I could reference the article, but I'm sure I wasn't alone in observing it. But to make lemonade out of it, I like to generalize the idea that a good maturity is choosing and deciding values and things that matter to a person and staying dilligent, committed, dedicated, consistent, and developing it to a significant degree towards things that matter to a person. It is sticking with something when the odds or for or against whatever the dedication is. Generally speaking.
I remain spontaneous and vague about my love life.
This is definitely fresh and intense:
I can't give a whole lot of feedback.
I can see how direct he is with his mind, but I do not quite understand his story in completion and who he identifies and defines as being who what where when and why.
"Would you kill another to save a life?"
He does call his band a cult. The video is obviously cultish looking. That is what makes it more intense and scary.
I do not know his cult beliefs. I think he even said somewhere in his lyrics something like "do you think you are so right that you would kill another person for being right?" It is so intense, direct, and scary I find it surprising that they would broadcast so much influence on national tv for any viewer to see. The funny thing is is that it is already censored.
He already has his drama clear in his world, but it is scary to see how much pressure he is putting on another.
There is no number given of how many should die. It is not identified of a particular person or group that should die. It is very direct though with the vex of philosophy: would you kill another for being right? What is it that he thinks is right? What does his cult believe? What is really going on in his world?
Artistically, the film is very sexy. Very sexy. I do not completely get his art of seduction and if it is just about the intimacy factor. Is it really a war of competition over intimacy? I think there is a better word but I can't think of it right now. I do not want to disclose my intimate turn ons and offs.
It is another thing I'm going to stay silent with.
I think I'll start with the not so fresh before the fresh.
First nonfresh issue is whoever is going through the psychologist/psychiatrist routine this time. It isn't that I am not interested in psychology. I love the magazine Psychology Today; but I see more sadism with the intent than anything else. Yes, me and other people experience depressive moments. What else is really new and what else havn't I really heard before? I do not need to be told how to live my life, as a matter of fact to the neglectful psychologist who forgets who the real problem is, I am very much more happy when I am my own boss.
Even though I think Sid is a Jekyl and Hyde right now and that our situation seems more surfaced and less mermish, I think I'm going to play a little defensive and loyal to him. I can't see who it is that is ridiculing him and trying to rub it in with some of his own misery that he has, but shut the fuck up. Whether he is man or monster, you really aren't solving anything, you're just being a bigotting harassing bitch that needs to just shut up.
Jon Stewart is also a non-fresh issue. He continously makes his own sadism and sick forcefulness more and more obvious. He actually has the nerve to be obvious about wanting some satisfaction out of me or wanting to care about the hate he has. I am once again getting pigeon-holed by his ignorance and hatred where he wants to label and demonize me more.
Onto some fresh thoughts.
I havn't forgotten how small I am and how big the media is, but I still choose to be opinionated regardless. I don't worship the media or declare the media as my ultimate truth or salvation, but I appreciate some support and defense that I get from time to time. I have fresh support with the Wall Street Journal. I really have brushed off namecalls of me being immature and little-girlish, but I give acknowledgement to remind other people who are so concerned what others think and the media thinks that Wall Street thinks "I am grown up in a Libertarian sense."
Anyway, I remain thick-skinned with maturity issue.
Speaking of maturity there is a person involved in my history who is not so fresh with predictability but fresh with current battles. Her perception of maturity is much different and even though I consider it sadistic for her to condescend me and another as children, I bring attention to the fact that other people have different perceptions of what it means to be mature. It is the different values in life that people choose to develop more and mature on. I wish I could reference the article, but I'm sure I wasn't alone in observing it. But to make lemonade out of it, I like to generalize the idea that a good maturity is choosing and deciding values and things that matter to a person and staying dilligent, committed, dedicated, consistent, and developing it to a significant degree towards things that matter to a person. It is sticking with something when the odds or for or against whatever the dedication is. Generally speaking.
I remain spontaneous and vague about my love life.
This is definitely fresh and intense:
I can't give a whole lot of feedback.
I can see how direct he is with his mind, but I do not quite understand his story in completion and who he identifies and defines as being who what where when and why.
"Would you kill another to save a life?"
He does call his band a cult. The video is obviously cultish looking. That is what makes it more intense and scary.
I do not know his cult beliefs. I think he even said somewhere in his lyrics something like "do you think you are so right that you would kill another person for being right?" It is so intense, direct, and scary I find it surprising that they would broadcast so much influence on national tv for any viewer to see. The funny thing is is that it is already censored.
He already has his drama clear in his world, but it is scary to see how much pressure he is putting on another.
There is no number given of how many should die. It is not identified of a particular person or group that should die. It is very direct though with the vex of philosophy: would you kill another for being right? What is it that he thinks is right? What does his cult believe? What is really going on in his world?
Artistically, the film is very sexy. Very sexy. I do not completely get his art of seduction and if it is just about the intimacy factor. Is it really a war of competition over intimacy? I think there is a better word but I can't think of it right now. I do not want to disclose my intimate turn ons and offs.
It is another thing I'm going to stay silent with.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
VH1 Music Response
I have a couple of videos that I want to share my thoughts with
This song got my attention because it is such an abnormal shocker. I don't know if it is meant to be a comedy, or how seriously this art is taken. In either case, it is grotesque yet sad. There is probably more words to describe the art and lyrics. I don't know, but it is so modernly wierd that I had to share it. It looks like it could have gone in a cheesy 80s video, but that is what makes it interesting is that it is in 2010.
This next song, I thought I'd share. One specific assumption of who the character is, I'm uncertain. I think there is always other connections and possibilities of catty games, so I do refrain a little. And, in addition, I want to keep my thoughts to myself and don't know enough. It is a story that needs more details for me to say anything.
This is a happy go lucky fun song. This is definitely a good dancing song or even cruising song.
As much as I hate cats and am realistically allergic to them, this song is just too cute to deny:
This song is definitely a new favorite song of mine: beautiful, mysterious, and so dreamy. (And I don't mean dreamy in a cheesy cliche way, I mean it like such a hopeful hearted fantasy).
I do not know the producers or creators of this video, but I don't like it at all. I percieve it in a spiritual perspective and I don't like it period. I like to teach empowerment/solidness/independence but I think I may have been taken the wrong way and I don't like the extreme power trip or even hint at being the anti-christ.
I am definitely impressed with this song. Ciara's choreography is amazing and extremely energetic.
If sharing a connection with her, I am a little uncomfortable with how sexual she is. It just seems too exhibitionistic and expressive for me. She has an amazing body and is beautiful. There are plenty of other music videos that express sexuality, but I really do not like to be percieved so publicly sexually wild. I'm not crazy about some of the fashion. I like heels, but the heels she wore in the beginning I'm just not crazy for. I'm not against guyish fashion, its specific taste in some attire.
It is still a fun song, definitely something to dance to and cruise with.
This song got my attention because it is such an abnormal shocker. I don't know if it is meant to be a comedy, or how seriously this art is taken. In either case, it is grotesque yet sad. There is probably more words to describe the art and lyrics. I don't know, but it is so modernly wierd that I had to share it. It looks like it could have gone in a cheesy 80s video, but that is what makes it interesting is that it is in 2010.
This next song, I thought I'd share. One specific assumption of who the character is, I'm uncertain. I think there is always other connections and possibilities of catty games, so I do refrain a little. And, in addition, I want to keep my thoughts to myself and don't know enough. It is a story that needs more details for me to say anything.
This is a happy go lucky fun song. This is definitely a good dancing song or even cruising song.
As much as I hate cats and am realistically allergic to them, this song is just too cute to deny:
This song is definitely a new favorite song of mine: beautiful, mysterious, and so dreamy. (And I don't mean dreamy in a cheesy cliche way, I mean it like such a hopeful hearted fantasy).
I do not know the producers or creators of this video, but I don't like it at all. I percieve it in a spiritual perspective and I don't like it period. I like to teach empowerment/solidness/independence but I think I may have been taken the wrong way and I don't like the extreme power trip or even hint at being the anti-christ.
I am definitely impressed with this song. Ciara's choreography is amazing and extremely energetic.
If sharing a connection with her, I am a little uncomfortable with how sexual she is. It just seems too exhibitionistic and expressive for me. She has an amazing body and is beautiful. There are plenty of other music videos that express sexuality, but I really do not like to be percieved so publicly sexually wild. I'm not crazy about some of the fashion. I like heels, but the heels she wore in the beginning I'm just not crazy for. I'm not against guyish fashion, its specific taste in some attire.
It is still a fun song, definitely something to dance to and cruise with.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Summarized Thoughts of Where I Currently Am
My life does take a lot of twists and turns and to be in a regular routine that is in long term is just something that has not happened for awhile.
It seems as if a couple of years sped by and while it seems I passed some things, some things I must have not passed. Either that or I am being chased for whatever reason.
I guess I'm adjusting to some new things as time goes on and even though it seems new to me, it brings a different sense of some kind of stability or dependableness in my life. It is hard to accurately pinpoint it. I can't say there are any particular individuals that I do depend on and trust, but I am noticing that my life seems to have a little more structure and organization.
Again, I can't see the big picture, but I notice some level of structure that is involved in my life that I don't quite understand.
I have a fresh paranoia. I feel I should be more guarded on this one, but what I am currently paranoid about now is not the same paranoia that I have had beforehand.
I had a somewhat eventful weekend this past week. I did receive obvious attention. I can't quite see how other people may have taken it, but I took it as opportunity and a chance to have a say. I have a small victory that I finally had a chance to smack Mick. It was a sloppy disrespect, but I think I at least got the message across with how I feel about him. I hope I didn't ruin my moment when a friend I was with said how cold it was and started laughing at me. I kept a straight face and paused at him while he laughed, and then I started laughing with him. It wasn't really to make fun of myself in this instance, but a laugh of "yeah man, I am a bitch."
Relationships with anyone is very mystifying and a Burmuda for me. It is foreign, foggy, and perplexing. I'm not sure if someone really is interested or not. I could have a Lynard Skynard moment over it:
Other than that, I keep to myself and don't have much else to say.
It seems as if a couple of years sped by and while it seems I passed some things, some things I must have not passed. Either that or I am being chased for whatever reason.
I guess I'm adjusting to some new things as time goes on and even though it seems new to me, it brings a different sense of some kind of stability or dependableness in my life. It is hard to accurately pinpoint it. I can't say there are any particular individuals that I do depend on and trust, but I am noticing that my life seems to have a little more structure and organization.
Again, I can't see the big picture, but I notice some level of structure that is involved in my life that I don't quite understand.
I have a fresh paranoia. I feel I should be more guarded on this one, but what I am currently paranoid about now is not the same paranoia that I have had beforehand.
I had a somewhat eventful weekend this past week. I did receive obvious attention. I can't quite see how other people may have taken it, but I took it as opportunity and a chance to have a say. I have a small victory that I finally had a chance to smack Mick. It was a sloppy disrespect, but I think I at least got the message across with how I feel about him. I hope I didn't ruin my moment when a friend I was with said how cold it was and started laughing at me. I kept a straight face and paused at him while he laughed, and then I started laughing with him. It wasn't really to make fun of myself in this instance, but a laugh of "yeah man, I am a bitch."
Relationships with anyone is very mystifying and a Burmuda for me. It is foreign, foggy, and perplexing. I'm not sure if someone really is interested or not. I could have a Lynard Skynard moment over it:
Other than that, I keep to myself and don't have much else to say.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Really overloaded and active day
I think I have had about all the media and getting around for the day.
I hate that I have to suppress myself a little in being vague by being catty. I know how I can be misunderstood when I am not specific, but I have to be.
I didn't go to any bars tonight. Neutral about it.
I feel that I did have a lot of freedom and a say. Not really as much as I'd like, but compared to a lot of other instances, I felt I had more opportunity.
After I say some things, I regret it yet I don't. I hate feeling misunderstood, but at the same time, its kind of just another day.
I'm not sure of all of the drama that is going on. I see some words and a few actions, but I still get confused and can't see what some people are completely getting at.
I feel I am learning more and picking up on some things. ................
Herman knows who he is. I can't say that I would want to be in a serious relationship with Herman. I will always see our high school friendship as a good memory. We had fun. Presently, I cannot see myself in a serious relationship with him.
There is another obvious assumption. I have already given my answer and I am pretty sure he knows what I said, but he still seems persistent.
Josh M could be another assumption. I am anorexic to any connection he may have made.
I am not going to say a word about the actual source who I'm sure it is obvious enough with some people.
In other connections, I do not know what kind of cancer may be going around, but I am not part of my parent's church. I do not associate with anyone. I may be civil if I see them in public, but I'm not necessarily on any close level with anyone even though they may know me more than I know them.
I have no feelings for Joel C. I am not attracted either.
I don't know if my parents may be getting desperate for me to be married, but I am very appreciative of the media presentation of the Asian woman who married herself.
Jimmy Kimmel. I am getting a lot of mixed signals from him. I'll only say a few things. I agree with the philosophy "A person should not have to ask to be loved." I agree with that. As with everything else, I believe in balance and that there should not be an extreme perspective. I am not afraid to tell someone I miss them. I am not afraid to tell a man that I need enough time and attention from him if he wants to stay in my life. Call me overdemanding, I think if a man truly cared, he really wouldn't mind spending time with me and actually being in my life. I don't really like throwing myself on someone, but sometimes, I can be spontaneous. I really do prefer a man to be the first aggressive and continue with give and take. I am complicated though and there is not really a systematic program that will be a guarantee to work.
As for taking initiative to be a part of a public sexual broadcast I COMPLETELY DENY IT. Putting the name "Gary," on me is being a tumor.
The baseball throw was pretty obvious, but I could not really tell who he was directing it at. He is obviously angry and it is a little shocking to see him being obviously violent. I've seen other guys do it, but they are more disguised about it. I'm ashamed of you Jimmy Kimmel.
I feel I have probably learned some secrets tonight though and I find it shocking and I am left without words.
I hate that I have to suppress myself a little in being vague by being catty. I know how I can be misunderstood when I am not specific, but I have to be.
I didn't go to any bars tonight. Neutral about it.
I feel that I did have a lot of freedom and a say. Not really as much as I'd like, but compared to a lot of other instances, I felt I had more opportunity.
After I say some things, I regret it yet I don't. I hate feeling misunderstood, but at the same time, its kind of just another day.
I'm not sure of all of the drama that is going on. I see some words and a few actions, but I still get confused and can't see what some people are completely getting at.
I feel I am learning more and picking up on some things. ................
Herman knows who he is. I can't say that I would want to be in a serious relationship with Herman. I will always see our high school friendship as a good memory. We had fun. Presently, I cannot see myself in a serious relationship with him.
There is another obvious assumption. I have already given my answer and I am pretty sure he knows what I said, but he still seems persistent.
Josh M could be another assumption. I am anorexic to any connection he may have made.
I am not going to say a word about the actual source who I'm sure it is obvious enough with some people.
In other connections, I do not know what kind of cancer may be going around, but I am not part of my parent's church. I do not associate with anyone. I may be civil if I see them in public, but I'm not necessarily on any close level with anyone even though they may know me more than I know them.
I have no feelings for Joel C. I am not attracted either.
I don't know if my parents may be getting desperate for me to be married, but I am very appreciative of the media presentation of the Asian woman who married herself.
Jimmy Kimmel. I am getting a lot of mixed signals from him. I'll only say a few things. I agree with the philosophy "A person should not have to ask to be loved." I agree with that. As with everything else, I believe in balance and that there should not be an extreme perspective. I am not afraid to tell someone I miss them. I am not afraid to tell a man that I need enough time and attention from him if he wants to stay in my life. Call me overdemanding, I think if a man truly cared, he really wouldn't mind spending time with me and actually being in my life. I don't really like throwing myself on someone, but sometimes, I can be spontaneous. I really do prefer a man to be the first aggressive and continue with give and take. I am complicated though and there is not really a systematic program that will be a guarantee to work.
As for taking initiative to be a part of a public sexual broadcast I COMPLETELY DENY IT. Putting the name "Gary," on me is being a tumor.
The baseball throw was pretty obvious, but I could not really tell who he was directing it at. He is obviously angry and it is a little shocking to see him being obviously violent. I've seen other guys do it, but they are more disguised about it. I'm ashamed of you Jimmy Kimmel.
I feel I have probably learned some secrets tonight though and I find it shocking and I am left without words.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Sophisticated Perspective of Harassment
There are a lot of types of harassment. The motive is not always clear. Sometimes, only the person themself knows why they do what they do and not many people bother or care to understand why, and the person does not always care to explain why. In putting authoritarianism and bossiness aside, I think some people get ridiculous when it comes to understanding vs. dysfunctionalism and hate. People should choose who they want to share with, don't get me wrong. At the same time, if people want to be in ANY kind of relationship, not necessarily even a loving or romantic one, there should be some sort of expectation to have an understanding among one another.
Anyway, I will elaborate with the list of harassments: religious, sexual, authoritarian, ignorance, negligence, fascist, dark, matrix, terroristic, and there probably are plenty of other categories of harassment. These are the ones that I mostly find in my life.
Because of my background, I do experience a lot of religious harassment. In my experience with others, I have experienced religious harassment outside of my religion which includes cults, and karma believers. People usually target Christians as the ignorant ones. To me, it does not matter, I think any religion is capable of having its share of ignorant people.
Right now, I am speaking my own personal opinion because I am making more effort to relate to religious harassment compared to religious discrimination. Yes, people still have religious freedoms, but even outside of Christianity, other sects of religion fail to see that they can be just as controlling with what they believe, even in atheism and scientology.
My personal pet peeves are karma games and Spanish Inquisition, and even Jewish mentality. Sexual harassment exists even in this religious category although it is done for a different motive. After my specific example has been exposed for awhile now, I'll use it, but I really want other people to put themselves in their own shoes to imagine how they would feel with their own acts against religious taboos. Personally, I feel ignorantly harassed for people to remain so persistant with the dog ordeal I did as a kid. I think it is definitely blown out of proportion and I think it is juvenile to continuously be harassed by it. Jews only believe in the old Testament, and not in New Testament forgiveness of Christ. Therefore, they could badger a preschooler for stealing a candy bar from a candy store when they are 88 years of old age. In karma games, I think this is where the most grueling torment comes in: not because they get the best of you, but because of their own imperfections, ignorance, maturity level, and lack of sophistication.
In most simplistic terms person 1 calls person 2 stupid. Person 2 plays relentless karma games with person 1 in calling him stupid every hour of every day. Now, I'm not closed minded, I'm sure some older adults may have a one time eye for an eye vengeance (general and grey with level of sophistication). But back to Person 2, even though it is simple conflict, the conflict thereafter is not simple. Let's think about the vulnerability factor: 1. Will Person 2 ever let it go and get over it, or will he continue to harass Person 1 to call him stupid every hour of every day and let his mantra be: "Because you called me stupid one time, you are completely ruined of having a kind or friendly persona. You are ruined of name-calling innocence. Therefore, you are subjected to every name calling in the book because you name-called me. It doesn't matter if names aimed at you are accurate or not, you should be subjected to name calling just because you are a name caller."
2. The escalation factor of the name calling. This is a different route of war: it isn't about torture, it is about who can be the better and most superior name caller. 3. (literally not using nbr 3 as my code name) the manipulation factor: some people could come up with any creative route to take advantage of the name calling situation. They may try to bribe, coerce a pity party and have a competition not on who the better name caller is but who the better humanitarian is. (This is when it sometimes get confusing of a person's motives and how to read a person). The Spanish Inquisition I believe comes from the Catholic faith and that is almost the same as a Jewish perspective. I think Catholics do believe in repentence and forgiveness, but I think there is some sort of exact routine to officially be given grace and forgiveness. Some are probably more different than others when it comes to routine, punishment, harshness, organization, and even torture. Again, there are a lot of factors that tie in to the Spanish Inquisition, but people can still suffer from the Inquisitor's ignorance as well. It doesn't matter if they hire a "Very high level of intellect." They could still ignore the individual's rights and own personal philosophy and beliefs and still be forced to be subjected to them.
Next is sexual harassment. I cannot be completely real with this one because I know how predators think. But, I'll be as straight as I can. Like I said, sexual harassment can even be a condemning religious one. However, in a regular perspective, sexual harassment is usually seen as more degrading. Most men are straight up pigs and don't even think about a factor that they could be sexually harassing someone. Especially womanizing rednecks. There are still plenty of other chauvenists that may not fall under the redneck style, and they can still be just as objecting, subjectifying, and degrading.
I think there are some darker individuals that are not ignorant and do want to hurt, be a sadist and mysogynist on purpose. Sometimes it is a form of supremacy. Othertimes, it could be a game of "All is fair in love and war," where something hurtful that may not even equate to a karma game is done out of vengeance and anger because of something the other person did.
(If people could only see my complex thoughts, I think they would understand why I am often confused and complain a lot of Burmuda and dysfunction.)
As in the first category of religious harassment, this form of harassment can come under just as much of a vulnerable philosophy as mentioned with person1 and person2.
In Authoritarian harassment, nothing matters but the authority, who is the boss, and who is in charge. The matter of the argument or dispute does not matter. It doesn't even matter what form of harassment is involved. Whether or not one even gets along with the authority is usually not relevant either. The authority is the authority. I think it is dangerous in its own personal way because even those with actual superiorities in authority still have the potential to be in ignorance and so locked into their own communistic thinking that the person fails to see so many other things. There are plenty of people that match that description whether they are leaders or not. But, it is especially dangerous with those who really do have the ranks of authority. Sometimes the authority figure can be accurate, but other times, I have discovered in my own world they are an extremely bad judge of character and even worse there is nothing a person can do about it.
I hate authoritarian harassment most of all because it is a superiority matter in itself. To be involved with this person would be to be having lesser rights, lesser care, lesser privelages. To be involved would be some kind of servanthood where a person is not their own priority and they are putting someone else before themselves. (sometimes the codependence is reversed where the authoritarian one may spoil the other yet still have complete charge over another). The person subject to the authoritarian is overlooked, and maybe even underestimated. It is especially a hypersensitive subject to estimate and guesstimate someone. I'm the type of person who simply hates being told what to do, or how to live in anyway.
Ignorant harassment has already been most likely experienced by every person of the earth. Its really self explanatory and I think most people should already understand how ignorant harassment feels. On top of that, some are ignorant to see their own torture caused by their ignorance.
Negligent harassment. Again, this is self-explanatory. In least of places negligence would matter would probably be NY. "It is a tough world we live in; take care of your own self." Honestly, I usually don't have a problem with it. I've already mentioned that I really don't like to feel like I should be held responsible for other people and hate how some depend on me. I do spur to do things every once in awhile where I do take responsibility for some things, but other times, I think people misunderstand my level of extent of responsibility or what it specifically entails.
Fascist harassment could be compared to high school harassment, but it still happens in the adult world: fashion, beauty, intelligence, sportiness, body figures, and hygeine. There could be a list of name calls that fall under each label of fascism. Of course, there is more to fascism than popularity labels and some communist governments take it a little more extreme with supremacy. I think most people probably feel most beaten up with this one because I think this harassment is used the most in the general population.
There is racial harassment and I've already written a couple of blogs with just this harassment itself. Of course I think it is wrong, but I don't feel like repeating the whole thing.
There is also political harassment. I'm not in the mood to go there.
Lastly, among plenty of other labels of harassment, there is dark and terroristic harassment. I still think there is a difference between the two, but they can almost be the same.
Dark harassment is still threatening, but it is not done out of a motive to terrorize. I would compare some Russian harassment to dark harassment. It is corrupt harassment. It is intentional harassment. It could be psychological, emotional, and physical. Of course all harassment is targeted at those in some way or another, but dark harassment is more intentional and sometimes platonic. It is being direct with a fate, curse, meanness, or honest cruelty, yet not really meant to produce insurmountable fear.
(I hated the ending, although I do not hate, ridicule, or demonize those who have real psychological disorders. I believe you Nash. Damn the stalkers!)
Matrix harassment is related to these two. While matrix harassment may not be as extreme in the literal Matrix movie, I still deem it tormenting harassment. I think it can relate to ignorant or even racial harassment as well. It is not just labeling someone, but taking the label too seriously or too far. It is meeting a random person and making a connection and later getting harassed that a guy or gal you may have kissed is connected to your cousin or dead uncle in the matrix. It could have some other kind of connection where it may not even be a relative but a nemesis. It is another kind of manipulation where even though there may be some commonalities: it still is not the same person. Sadly, some matrix rulers take their math too far and would rather say: yes, you did marry your cousin (even if a person has never married in their life to any soul). It goes further than that where people tie matrix people to creditors or work associates where it feels very inappropriate and corrupt.
It can be crippling and boxing in a general perspective.
I'm sure plenty have already heard enough of terrorism and have seen it artistically through many horror films.
In conclusion, I am slightly disappointed in myself and feel less professional that I was vague on some levels with some harassments and did not further elaborate. I think most people already get the gist and hear it enough on a regular basis. I guess that is my flaw in not being the perfect light bulb. (sarcastic, but honest smirk).
Anyway, I will elaborate with the list of harassments: religious, sexual, authoritarian, ignorance, negligence, fascist, dark, matrix, terroristic, and there probably are plenty of other categories of harassment. These are the ones that I mostly find in my life.
Because of my background, I do experience a lot of religious harassment. In my experience with others, I have experienced religious harassment outside of my religion which includes cults, and karma believers. People usually target Christians as the ignorant ones. To me, it does not matter, I think any religion is capable of having its share of ignorant people.
Right now, I am speaking my own personal opinion because I am making more effort to relate to religious harassment compared to religious discrimination. Yes, people still have religious freedoms, but even outside of Christianity, other sects of religion fail to see that they can be just as controlling with what they believe, even in atheism and scientology.
My personal pet peeves are karma games and Spanish Inquisition, and even Jewish mentality. Sexual harassment exists even in this religious category although it is done for a different motive. After my specific example has been exposed for awhile now, I'll use it, but I really want other people to put themselves in their own shoes to imagine how they would feel with their own acts against religious taboos. Personally, I feel ignorantly harassed for people to remain so persistant with the dog ordeal I did as a kid. I think it is definitely blown out of proportion and I think it is juvenile to continuously be harassed by it. Jews only believe in the old Testament, and not in New Testament forgiveness of Christ. Therefore, they could badger a preschooler for stealing a candy bar from a candy store when they are 88 years of old age. In karma games, I think this is where the most grueling torment comes in: not because they get the best of you, but because of their own imperfections, ignorance, maturity level, and lack of sophistication.
In most simplistic terms person 1 calls person 2 stupid. Person 2 plays relentless karma games with person 1 in calling him stupid every hour of every day. Now, I'm not closed minded, I'm sure some older adults may have a one time eye for an eye vengeance (general and grey with level of sophistication). But back to Person 2, even though it is simple conflict, the conflict thereafter is not simple. Let's think about the vulnerability factor: 1. Will Person 2 ever let it go and get over it, or will he continue to harass Person 1 to call him stupid every hour of every day and let his mantra be: "Because you called me stupid one time, you are completely ruined of having a kind or friendly persona. You are ruined of name-calling innocence. Therefore, you are subjected to every name calling in the book because you name-called me. It doesn't matter if names aimed at you are accurate or not, you should be subjected to name calling just because you are a name caller."
2. The escalation factor of the name calling. This is a different route of war: it isn't about torture, it is about who can be the better and most superior name caller. 3. (literally not using nbr 3 as my code name) the manipulation factor: some people could come up with any creative route to take advantage of the name calling situation. They may try to bribe, coerce a pity party and have a competition not on who the better name caller is but who the better humanitarian is. (This is when it sometimes get confusing of a person's motives and how to read a person). The Spanish Inquisition I believe comes from the Catholic faith and that is almost the same as a Jewish perspective. I think Catholics do believe in repentence and forgiveness, but I think there is some sort of exact routine to officially be given grace and forgiveness. Some are probably more different than others when it comes to routine, punishment, harshness, organization, and even torture. Again, there are a lot of factors that tie in to the Spanish Inquisition, but people can still suffer from the Inquisitor's ignorance as well. It doesn't matter if they hire a "Very high level of intellect." They could still ignore the individual's rights and own personal philosophy and beliefs and still be forced to be subjected to them.
Next is sexual harassment. I cannot be completely real with this one because I know how predators think. But, I'll be as straight as I can. Like I said, sexual harassment can even be a condemning religious one. However, in a regular perspective, sexual harassment is usually seen as more degrading. Most men are straight up pigs and don't even think about a factor that they could be sexually harassing someone. Especially womanizing rednecks. There are still plenty of other chauvenists that may not fall under the redneck style, and they can still be just as objecting, subjectifying, and degrading.
I think there are some darker individuals that are not ignorant and do want to hurt, be a sadist and mysogynist on purpose. Sometimes it is a form of supremacy. Othertimes, it could be a game of "All is fair in love and war," where something hurtful that may not even equate to a karma game is done out of vengeance and anger because of something the other person did.
(If people could only see my complex thoughts, I think they would understand why I am often confused and complain a lot of Burmuda and dysfunction.)
As in the first category of religious harassment, this form of harassment can come under just as much of a vulnerable philosophy as mentioned with person1 and person2.
In Authoritarian harassment, nothing matters but the authority, who is the boss, and who is in charge. The matter of the argument or dispute does not matter. It doesn't even matter what form of harassment is involved. Whether or not one even gets along with the authority is usually not relevant either. The authority is the authority. I think it is dangerous in its own personal way because even those with actual superiorities in authority still have the potential to be in ignorance and so locked into their own communistic thinking that the person fails to see so many other things. There are plenty of people that match that description whether they are leaders or not. But, it is especially dangerous with those who really do have the ranks of authority. Sometimes the authority figure can be accurate, but other times, I have discovered in my own world they are an extremely bad judge of character and even worse there is nothing a person can do about it.
I hate authoritarian harassment most of all because it is a superiority matter in itself. To be involved with this person would be to be having lesser rights, lesser care, lesser privelages. To be involved would be some kind of servanthood where a person is not their own priority and they are putting someone else before themselves. (sometimes the codependence is reversed where the authoritarian one may spoil the other yet still have complete charge over another). The person subject to the authoritarian is overlooked, and maybe even underestimated. It is especially a hypersensitive subject to estimate and guesstimate someone. I'm the type of person who simply hates being told what to do, or how to live in anyway.
Ignorant harassment has already been most likely experienced by every person of the earth. Its really self explanatory and I think most people should already understand how ignorant harassment feels. On top of that, some are ignorant to see their own torture caused by their ignorance.
Negligent harassment. Again, this is self-explanatory. In least of places negligence would matter would probably be NY. "It is a tough world we live in; take care of your own self." Honestly, I usually don't have a problem with it. I've already mentioned that I really don't like to feel like I should be held responsible for other people and hate how some depend on me. I do spur to do things every once in awhile where I do take responsibility for some things, but other times, I think people misunderstand my level of extent of responsibility or what it specifically entails.
Fascist harassment could be compared to high school harassment, but it still happens in the adult world: fashion, beauty, intelligence, sportiness, body figures, and hygeine. There could be a list of name calls that fall under each label of fascism. Of course, there is more to fascism than popularity labels and some communist governments take it a little more extreme with supremacy. I think most people probably feel most beaten up with this one because I think this harassment is used the most in the general population.
There is racial harassment and I've already written a couple of blogs with just this harassment itself. Of course I think it is wrong, but I don't feel like repeating the whole thing.
There is also political harassment. I'm not in the mood to go there.
Lastly, among plenty of other labels of harassment, there is dark and terroristic harassment. I still think there is a difference between the two, but they can almost be the same.
Dark harassment is still threatening, but it is not done out of a motive to terrorize. I would compare some Russian harassment to dark harassment. It is corrupt harassment. It is intentional harassment. It could be psychological, emotional, and physical. Of course all harassment is targeted at those in some way or another, but dark harassment is more intentional and sometimes platonic. It is being direct with a fate, curse, meanness, or honest cruelty, yet not really meant to produce insurmountable fear.
(I hated the ending, although I do not hate, ridicule, or demonize those who have real psychological disorders. I believe you Nash. Damn the stalkers!)
Matrix harassment is related to these two. While matrix harassment may not be as extreme in the literal Matrix movie, I still deem it tormenting harassment. I think it can relate to ignorant or even racial harassment as well. It is not just labeling someone, but taking the label too seriously or too far. It is meeting a random person and making a connection and later getting harassed that a guy or gal you may have kissed is connected to your cousin or dead uncle in the matrix. It could have some other kind of connection where it may not even be a relative but a nemesis. It is another kind of manipulation where even though there may be some commonalities: it still is not the same person. Sadly, some matrix rulers take their math too far and would rather say: yes, you did marry your cousin (even if a person has never married in their life to any soul). It goes further than that where people tie matrix people to creditors or work associates where it feels very inappropriate and corrupt.
It can be crippling and boxing in a general perspective.
I'm sure plenty have already heard enough of terrorism and have seen it artistically through many horror films.
In conclusion, I am slightly disappointed in myself and feel less professional that I was vague on some levels with some harassments and did not further elaborate. I think most people already get the gist and hear it enough on a regular basis. I guess that is my flaw in not being the perfect light bulb. (sarcastic, but honest smirk).
Sunday, November 7, 2010
I am getting dogpiled ~info overload~
Where do I begin?
I am seeing more socialism/capitalism whatever you want to call it, being meshed together between wealthy and nonwealthy and I still equate it to chaos and not good or fair judgement calls when it comes to competition and attacks. Oh people just love to belittle and hate me, but when a day comes that something must have happened, it is so easy to forget all insults and that I am still the same vulnerable adult.
Matt A. some will know who I am talking about. He was an official boyfriend that I have actually seen in person and dated while in high school. I have had some men treat me like a princess, and he was one of the guys who treated me like a princess. Do I still want to date him or be serious with him to this day? Not really. When it comes to communism, there are some things that can correlate with us, but I think it is shallow to say we should be together for some commonalities.
I write him off for the reason that I havn't even seen him in years. When I talk to the capitalist system, not everything is necessarily specified to go to all of the Scottlanders. I'm just not that into him. We had a bad break up in high school and a later very enjoyable fling after I came home from college. Like I said, I can be an ocean at times, and even in high school, he was not a man I could picture myself being married to or having a family with. I still think that he should have a good woman, but I'm just not into him.
Before I knew I was being watched, just like any normal person, I would gossip and make comments about celebrities without even thinking about it. Even though it is said in the privacy of my own home, some people would rather exploit every inch of me and call it fair argument. I said that there was a particular person that I didn't find attractive, and I see the karma for it and their rescuee.
I have heard worse and have been insulted worse. I don't think I should have to die over anyone, but I'm not the type to continue on in an insult battle.
I'm pretty sure it is BW or it could be Matt B(what a nightmare if so). Well, it is a nightmate with BW too in the newest movie with Ann Hathaway. Sure he wants to "take care of me." I'm at the point now where it has been a firm no and no more.
I laughed at quite a few things tonight on Desperate Housewives. A reminder: there is nothing I take seriously. I still declare myself single on all ends.
There is a lot that is very foggy with me and I laugh at how twisted people are and some of the things they think, connect, and assume.
One thing that I do feel the need to write a blog on just the topic itself is: Modern day femininity. A brief thought is a reminder that my foundation has always been that people have a mind of their own, they should have the freedom of that, they should have all individual rights. But, my thoughts go beyond just that into my own personal view and branching general thoughts. I think age is one major factor in percieving how a person sees the world. I also think that extent of knowing a person is another factor. It is easy to put a person in a box or pigeon-hole them.
I'm sure there have been other dogs on top of me that I feel piled on me, but this is all I can remember right now.
I am seeing more socialism/capitalism whatever you want to call it, being meshed together between wealthy and nonwealthy and I still equate it to chaos and not good or fair judgement calls when it comes to competition and attacks. Oh people just love to belittle and hate me, but when a day comes that something must have happened, it is so easy to forget all insults and that I am still the same vulnerable adult.
Matt A. some will know who I am talking about. He was an official boyfriend that I have actually seen in person and dated while in high school. I have had some men treat me like a princess, and he was one of the guys who treated me like a princess. Do I still want to date him or be serious with him to this day? Not really. When it comes to communism, there are some things that can correlate with us, but I think it is shallow to say we should be together for some commonalities.
I write him off for the reason that I havn't even seen him in years. When I talk to the capitalist system, not everything is necessarily specified to go to all of the Scottlanders. I'm just not that into him. We had a bad break up in high school and a later very enjoyable fling after I came home from college. Like I said, I can be an ocean at times, and even in high school, he was not a man I could picture myself being married to or having a family with. I still think that he should have a good woman, but I'm just not into him.
Before I knew I was being watched, just like any normal person, I would gossip and make comments about celebrities without even thinking about it. Even though it is said in the privacy of my own home, some people would rather exploit every inch of me and call it fair argument. I said that there was a particular person that I didn't find attractive, and I see the karma for it and their rescuee.
I have heard worse and have been insulted worse. I don't think I should have to die over anyone, but I'm not the type to continue on in an insult battle.
I'm pretty sure it is BW or it could be Matt B(what a nightmare if so). Well, it is a nightmate with BW too in the newest movie with Ann Hathaway. Sure he wants to "take care of me." I'm at the point now where it has been a firm no and no more.
I laughed at quite a few things tonight on Desperate Housewives. A reminder: there is nothing I take seriously. I still declare myself single on all ends.
There is a lot that is very foggy with me and I laugh at how twisted people are and some of the things they think, connect, and assume.
One thing that I do feel the need to write a blog on just the topic itself is: Modern day femininity. A brief thought is a reminder that my foundation has always been that people have a mind of their own, they should have the freedom of that, they should have all individual rights. But, my thoughts go beyond just that into my own personal view and branching general thoughts. I think age is one major factor in percieving how a person sees the world. I also think that extent of knowing a person is another factor. It is easy to put a person in a box or pigeon-hole them.
I'm sure there have been other dogs on top of me that I feel piled on me, but this is all I can remember right now.
Friday, November 5, 2010
I guess I'm the player now
hahahhaha Some days, I really wish I could sing that song. Maybe there is a twist to the name of the band "The Dead Weather."
Maybe I'm not getting catcalls after all and someone is taking my work joke seriously about the soap opera comment. It really is fun to be creative and role play sometimes.
I did see one obvious cat make a comment that he is celebrating. I slightly question if he may have hidden feelings of murder on the inside, but I choose to believe him for the most part. The attack just was a horrible impression. I really did have bad dreams and still unexplainable physical attacks that I fell back asleep anyway. It sounds like it is a very positive thing with how he said it that he is celebrating, but I have some doubt for the fact that I don't know him well, if I am taking him the right way. I wonder a little if he is connected to Eric Hanson. He looks like him more than his literal brother "Eric" does, but maybe there is no catty connection at all and he completely represents himself.
I think NY Moscow may have been trying to make another pass at me today by making an out of the blue statement that we are married. I'm pretty sure his name is Alec, not Baldwin. But a noncelebrity Russian-American.
I am open to knowing more about him. When they talked about arranged marriages in general, I do mean "no" both generally and personally, but if Alec cared enough, I would take the time to get to know him better. But, if it is a waste of time anyway, what is the point in getting to know him?
In a side thought it does get a little shocking to see more obvious communism and even outspoken communism at that.
I was a little pissed at the rigged video. It was about deaf people and of course it is inappropriate to laugh, but with particular names and people they pick, it is impossible to not laugh with some people.
I think my next witticism I make over the phone would be to call myself "Sarah Rosa Parks," and I am from Russia where I refuse to give up (and get off of the bus) with what I am offered: figuratively speaking, I am offered only two jobs as a server to work at either: IHOP or waffle house. There is slim to none serious relationships available. The statistical optional shovings are either women who have an attraction to me, or the dumbest of men who are ignorant in so many ways and wife beaters.
(I can't say that in the U.S., because I really do have a job right now, but it feels very familiar. )
Ok, I did get a major catty compliment the other day and it was much appreciated. But, I am very real with myself. I've already faced a lot of hate and rejection. I am very skeptical that I would be more than a fling and ever considered for marriage with a type of man (does not always have to be in power or status) that I would sincerely admire and think well of. I'm tired of taking risks and getting hurt. I still think people obsess too much over my relationships and I think it is a major factor that sabotages most of my relationships. I give up caring after awhile. And, with the man who not just think to themselves "I will get attention and especially sex from somewhere else when she is not at my command," but verbally say it. (Amish Jim assumption).
Speaking of him, he is already one to not pursue. Yet, he seems to come in my life occassionaly but not seen in person. I don't understand it. It is on the rocks with how I feel about him personally. I havn't forgotten about what he said even though it was a couple of years ago. He insulted and cheated on me to digitally to my face. I take it to a high enough level where I would consider it verbal/sexual abuse.
Then, there is Jim Carrey. I have so many happy thoughts of him. He is definitely out of my league, but even a cat brings a smile to my face. A lot of confusing cats at that. I didn't think a lot when I saw his foodstamp at Red's a couple of years ago. It was when I was awakened to a lot of attention, but to think that he would be seriously interested in me is something that I would think of as impossible. There could still be plenty of other matrix connections, but I really did enjoy this movie:
It is definitely something I should see again.
But, I am also suspicious of this ridicule:
I know he is a comedian and role-playing a masochist making fun of the butch girls. I know it was also made years ago when I was still very young.
I am adjusting more to being seen as manly/transvestite. I think some qualified scientists say I'm not really a transvestite, but even if I were, I could still accept it. It was only when I was in college that I began to be treated as one. My sister and I were both dating assholes at the same time. (I don't really think that Josh is dead and wouldn't try to piss on his grave even with how much I hate him.) I've been Hairy all of my life but again, it wasn't until college that I became more hairy. I wouldn't be surprised if Josh and Andrew somehow conspired with a chemist to make me that way. Or, I wouldn't be surprised if it was due to a lot of adrenaline rushes that they have brought upon me with their own gangsterism, threats, shocks, and personal terrors. My sister and I are vulnerable, and were vulnerable at the same time. I was completely on my own in Oklahoma, my sister was still in MD being abused and I wasn't wise enough at the time to know how to be involved in her life the right way. For the sick perverts who are always trying to ruin my rep, it has nothing to do with "WV incest." I also wasn't wise enough to know how cats worked and that even Josh from WV could have been Josh from OK's cat at the same time using me to make Katie paranoid and it was something that I completely missed.
I did try to get lazer treatment, but I do wax on a regular basis. It is embarassing, but I've lived with it for several years now.
Anyway, I felt the need to put a little more word in with the transvestite issue.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
hmmm
I have a little more energy now.
Today has been an officially bad day.
I continue to have to endure through numerous offenses in the workplace. I feel sorry for myself, but I press on.
Someone has accused me of lying; it is another offense that is more popcorn to me. I do not lie. People lie about me though all of the time and get away with it. So much for not being the "superior" lightbulb.
I don't know where my parents are, but we are not on good terms. I think they may be trying to say everything is ok; it isn't.
I had a spontanious date that was supposed to be tonight but he stood me up. So much for the sale of a hat and meeting and exploring someone new. I'll live.
I'm not even dating minded right now, but if something spontanious comes up, I would make myself available depending on how things are. It seems as if I never have had time for a relationship if something were to turn out to be more than just a date.
Until then, I guess I'm stuck in my usual routine with how far my finances can go.
Something I wonder about to myself: When someone tells me to "give up," I wonder exactly what they mean by "giving up." It is a question I don't want to ask. I've dodged bullets before, and probably will in this situation, but it is something that I am curious to know what someone really means when they say that. I like to have a prepared state of mind.
Today has been an officially bad day.
I continue to have to endure through numerous offenses in the workplace. I feel sorry for myself, but I press on.
Someone has accused me of lying; it is another offense that is more popcorn to me. I do not lie. People lie about me though all of the time and get away with it. So much for not being the "superior" lightbulb.
I don't know where my parents are, but we are not on good terms. I think they may be trying to say everything is ok; it isn't.
I had a spontanious date that was supposed to be tonight but he stood me up. So much for the sale of a hat and meeting and exploring someone new. I'll live.
I'm not even dating minded right now, but if something spontanious comes up, I would make myself available depending on how things are. It seems as if I never have had time for a relationship if something were to turn out to be more than just a date.
Until then, I guess I'm stuck in my usual routine with how far my finances can go.
Something I wonder about to myself: When someone tells me to "give up," I wonder exactly what they mean by "giving up." It is a question I don't want to ask. I've dodged bullets before, and probably will in this situation, but it is something that I am curious to know what someone really means when they say that. I like to have a prepared state of mind.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Officially lost
There is someone who is talking to me, but I really do not know.
The one who I have the biggest hunch for is so difficult to answer.
I know he is married and has kids.
Maybe they have a mutually swinging lifetsyle that is of no worry or question, but I have always felt awkward in the depths of some relations with married men.
I flirt to an extent, but when I think it gets too far, it just doesn't feel right, even though I am definitely attracted and interested.
I know I ran into a little trouble about a year ago with Jon S, but he was being pretty heavy with me. I have moved on regardless of whatever rumors go around, but there was a connection and aggression that I could not walk away from.
This current man feels less controlling although he is still predator-like. I don't know him enough to know how to take him. I'm not sure what he is after. I do not want to bring extra drama in my life if his family is not the swinging type.
In my uncertainty with the type of guy he is, it brings additional uncertainty I feel about myself. I'm still pretty upset. I don't think about relationships much with anyone and all I tend to focus on is my own personal upkeep, savings, replenishment, and rebuilding.
I can't say that I would call him a taker, but in my experience, I have doubts that I would be better off after some sort of fling or affair was finished.
The one who I have the biggest hunch for is so difficult to answer.
I know he is married and has kids.
Maybe they have a mutually swinging lifetsyle that is of no worry or question, but I have always felt awkward in the depths of some relations with married men.
I flirt to an extent, but when I think it gets too far, it just doesn't feel right, even though I am definitely attracted and interested.
I know I ran into a little trouble about a year ago with Jon S, but he was being pretty heavy with me. I have moved on regardless of whatever rumors go around, but there was a connection and aggression that I could not walk away from.
This current man feels less controlling although he is still predator-like. I don't know him enough to know how to take him. I'm not sure what he is after. I do not want to bring extra drama in my life if his family is not the swinging type.
In my uncertainty with the type of guy he is, it brings additional uncertainty I feel about myself. I'm still pretty upset. I don't think about relationships much with anyone and all I tend to focus on is my own personal upkeep, savings, replenishment, and rebuilding.
I can't say that I would call him a taker, but in my experience, I have doubts that I would be better off after some sort of fling or affair was finished.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Oh My
Ok, there was some good news and things happening today.
I did get a job. I start this coming up week. I went to Millicents today to try to be a little more social. I'm going to be learning some new knitting skills soon.
Today has been a productive day overall: I have continued with a good bit of crafts, exercised, and did a little bit of cleaning.
Now, in my history with men, let's be honest: it is one horrible history. I hate that it causes so much bickering and arguments with the esteem issue. I really like to keep things personal, but it usually isn't personal.
It is hard for me to assume the best of people period. It is hard for me to think that there is no hidden agenda and everything is peaches and cream.
I got a text today where it might be obvious enough and if I were to give him the benefit of the doubt in the most positive way I could, it is still difficult for me to think of it being as very sincere:
~He is thinking to himself: Sarah you just need a hug!~
He is thinking in a more realistic manly way: I can't say exactly what happened to this witch, but this witch is pissed. I'm going to have to literally be a kiss up and tamer to prevent any further destruction:
(I didn't make the photo comment, but he doesn't even look like a loser.)
Personally, I think it could be a karma game/ challenge to my character concerning business and relationships. (It still is not technically a real job.) I can't even use him as a real reference. I can't use anyone as a real reference. Some crazy game that I obviously do not get.
I can't help but think though that he is most likely some sort of Tom cat in disguise.
I did get a job. I start this coming up week. I went to Millicents today to try to be a little more social. I'm going to be learning some new knitting skills soon.
Today has been a productive day overall: I have continued with a good bit of crafts, exercised, and did a little bit of cleaning.
Now, in my history with men, let's be honest: it is one horrible history. I hate that it causes so much bickering and arguments with the esteem issue. I really like to keep things personal, but it usually isn't personal.
It is hard for me to assume the best of people period. It is hard for me to think that there is no hidden agenda and everything is peaches and cream.
I got a text today where it might be obvious enough and if I were to give him the benefit of the doubt in the most positive way I could, it is still difficult for me to think of it being as very sincere:
~He is thinking to himself: Sarah you just need a hug!~
He is thinking in a more realistic manly way: I can't say exactly what happened to this witch, but this witch is pissed. I'm going to have to literally be a kiss up and tamer to prevent any further destruction:
(I didn't make the photo comment, but he doesn't even look like a loser.)
Personally, I think it could be a karma game/ challenge to my character concerning business and relationships. (It still is not technically a real job.) I can't even use him as a real reference. I can't use anyone as a real reference. Some crazy game that I obviously do not get.
I can't help but think though that he is most likely some sort of Tom cat in disguise.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Hate and Death
There are numbers of people that I have a sincere hate for.
Some know by now that Sid is one of them, and one of his cats is Charlie Sheen.
One of the reasons that I hate Sid is that he is one of the people who are quick to assume and judge a person. I would think that he thinks that I was responsible for his "disturbing hotel attack."
No. I think it is possible that someone would want to give me justice for his lies, rubble, corruption, womanizing, and harassment, but I have never made any choice for something like that to happen.
There are times that I get so angry, I can visualize myself really beating the crap out of someone. I could see myself grab someone's hair and slam their face into a mirror or glass with how angry I get. I've never taken violent action, I can't say I ever would or would not.
I really don't want to. If I was ever in a position where I was seriously getting threatened, I would not argue against or be opposed to the idea of being on the defense. If my fight skills succeeded in murder, I would probably do it in the adrenaline rush of my defense.
I do want revenge on Sid. I do want justice. When I hear stuff in the news though, my thoughts are honestly mixed feelings. I feel a little justice on my end, but at the same time, I would wish for a different form of justice. If the justice is in my name, I think whoever is responsible makes me look bad. I hate karma games. Karma games is not a part of who I am. I do not want to be a victim of someone's "love and war games" where I do not see us as being equal or the same.
I did see Sean Penn's girlfriend. I'm not completely sure how to use my imagination. He could direct it at me or my sis, but I have a better assumption that it is my sister he is with. So, that is the assumption I'm going to roll with.
I think they are both arrogant crackheads. (I really do not want to cause my sister harm and more vulnerability, but she has been to rehab for drugs. She has done both coke and heroine.)
I know people are mad about the movie Precious. Katie is always competing over blacksheep with me. I know Katie gets demonized from time to time by a number of people for the lifestyle she lives. Again, I'm not really one of those people. She is the attacker. She is the one who blames me and brings me into her drama when she feels that she is suffering from demonization and condemnation from the world.
....................
Since Aaron and Chicago has been brought up, I'm really uncertain with where her anger or fight is going. It was years ago with me, her, andrew, and josh. There was this psycho networking going on where we changed names and characters depending on our drama as an interrogation tactic because Josh and Andrew have to much pride and arrogance to ask. They would rather assume and rage with their anger.
I still feel that people are shoving me once again to be a lesbian. If it is coming from Katie, again, I call her an arrogant crackhead.
From females in general, I really do not want to be a lesbian.
I am hurt and angry that men are so hateful and rejecting of me, but even in my anger and hurt, I would rather be single with a vibrator for years until the right one came along.
I am dealing with my debt, and with or without a man, my finances is something I have always been trying to work on myself. I keep getting drowned, buried alive, and screwed over. Everyone hates me. I'm not giving up on trying to fix my debt, but it seems more and more impossible as the days go by.
If men wonder why I talk to women more than men? It really is a matter of availability. I talk to men to from time to time. But, depending on how close I am with someone, depending on levels of trust, and compatibility determines most of the time how much I will and will not share.
Being tortured is a different story. It isn't my fault that I get tortured, but I really think if a man has to go the length to torture whoever he is with, he really has no business in being with her. Men should want to be loving towards women.
Women torture me too, and it disgusts me. I get just as mad at women for their arrogance and vanity probably moreso than men.
I am extremely more choosy with women even though I've never slept with one.
If I had a choice to be raped by a man or woman, I'd rather be raped by a man.
As much as I wish I could be more of a chase with some men, I'm simply too starved with the ones that I am interested in. I'd rather try to make things work, and I think that is why some men run off: they just want the game and the challenge. This is back to the beginning when I first started writing and when I complained about my issues with men. I am the serious and sincere type. Some men, I can see my resistance, and some that I am resistant with, I am very sincere in saying "no." I won't deny though that I get turned on by the aggression that some men can have. I get frustrated that I can't find a good enough balance where there is a good level of compatibility where I do not feel like he is forcing me into a box or label and not acknowledging me. I hate feeling ignored.
Until then, I will suffer in my lonesome until the right man comes along.
Some know by now that Sid is one of them, and one of his cats is Charlie Sheen.
One of the reasons that I hate Sid is that he is one of the people who are quick to assume and judge a person. I would think that he thinks that I was responsible for his "disturbing hotel attack."
No. I think it is possible that someone would want to give me justice for his lies, rubble, corruption, womanizing, and harassment, but I have never made any choice for something like that to happen.
There are times that I get so angry, I can visualize myself really beating the crap out of someone. I could see myself grab someone's hair and slam their face into a mirror or glass with how angry I get. I've never taken violent action, I can't say I ever would or would not.
I really don't want to. If I was ever in a position where I was seriously getting threatened, I would not argue against or be opposed to the idea of being on the defense. If my fight skills succeeded in murder, I would probably do it in the adrenaline rush of my defense.
I do want revenge on Sid. I do want justice. When I hear stuff in the news though, my thoughts are honestly mixed feelings. I feel a little justice on my end, but at the same time, I would wish for a different form of justice. If the justice is in my name, I think whoever is responsible makes me look bad. I hate karma games. Karma games is not a part of who I am. I do not want to be a victim of someone's "love and war games" where I do not see us as being equal or the same.
I did see Sean Penn's girlfriend. I'm not completely sure how to use my imagination. He could direct it at me or my sis, but I have a better assumption that it is my sister he is with. So, that is the assumption I'm going to roll with.
I think they are both arrogant crackheads. (I really do not want to cause my sister harm and more vulnerability, but she has been to rehab for drugs. She has done both coke and heroine.)
I know people are mad about the movie Precious. Katie is always competing over blacksheep with me. I know Katie gets demonized from time to time by a number of people for the lifestyle she lives. Again, I'm not really one of those people. She is the attacker. She is the one who blames me and brings me into her drama when she feels that she is suffering from demonization and condemnation from the world.
....................
Since Aaron and Chicago has been brought up, I'm really uncertain with where her anger or fight is going. It was years ago with me, her, andrew, and josh. There was this psycho networking going on where we changed names and characters depending on our drama as an interrogation tactic because Josh and Andrew have to much pride and arrogance to ask. They would rather assume and rage with their anger.
I still feel that people are shoving me once again to be a lesbian. If it is coming from Katie, again, I call her an arrogant crackhead.
From females in general, I really do not want to be a lesbian.
I am hurt and angry that men are so hateful and rejecting of me, but even in my anger and hurt, I would rather be single with a vibrator for years until the right one came along.
I am dealing with my debt, and with or without a man, my finances is something I have always been trying to work on myself. I keep getting drowned, buried alive, and screwed over. Everyone hates me. I'm not giving up on trying to fix my debt, but it seems more and more impossible as the days go by.
If men wonder why I talk to women more than men? It really is a matter of availability. I talk to men to from time to time. But, depending on how close I am with someone, depending on levels of trust, and compatibility determines most of the time how much I will and will not share.
Being tortured is a different story. It isn't my fault that I get tortured, but I really think if a man has to go the length to torture whoever he is with, he really has no business in being with her. Men should want to be loving towards women.
Women torture me too, and it disgusts me. I get just as mad at women for their arrogance and vanity probably moreso than men.
I am extremely more choosy with women even though I've never slept with one.
If I had a choice to be raped by a man or woman, I'd rather be raped by a man.
As much as I wish I could be more of a chase with some men, I'm simply too starved with the ones that I am interested in. I'd rather try to make things work, and I think that is why some men run off: they just want the game and the challenge. This is back to the beginning when I first started writing and when I complained about my issues with men. I am the serious and sincere type. Some men, I can see my resistance, and some that I am resistant with, I am very sincere in saying "no." I won't deny though that I get turned on by the aggression that some men can have. I get frustrated that I can't find a good enough balance where there is a good level of compatibility where I do not feel like he is forcing me into a box or label and not acknowledging me. I hate feeling ignored.
Until then, I will suffer in my lonesome until the right man comes along.
Monday, October 18, 2010
days end
I have yet to catch up with last week's apprentice. I need to watch Desperate Housewives and the beginnings of Dancing with the Stars again.
I havn't forgotten about yesterdays postings though.
I'm at wierd odds. I mean it with all of my heart with the songs with Linkin Park and Blue October. I could add James Blunt and Kid Rock in there with them too. Self-pity.
Dancing with the Stars is a little different but still neither contracted nor chosen in my ballcourt. I'll elaborate on the show in a minute.
I feel right now is the time where I am at a crossroads. I hate that it is this extreme. I understand complications and difficulties. I consider Lenny's math to be off with the mail-order bride. I continue to deny and say the Terry Hatcher acting of Susan in this season's Desperate Housewives IS A LIE. Say what you want, Susan's character is nothing but a lie. You know what? Even though I disagree with the abuse of the whole Mo thing, I'd rather be ridiculed for that than suffer a lie at the expense of someone's ego.
I don't think Jay Z likes me, but I feel this song very often. Ladies is pimps too!!!! (not really).
Back to the crossroads. I really don't want to be a hermit. At the same time, I REALLY WANT TO PROVE THAT I MEAN WHAT I SAY IN THE BELTING LYRICS THAT NOBODY OWNS ME AND THAT I FEEL I AM GETTING EXTREMELY TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF AND THAT THIS HAS NEVER BEEN MY CHOICE!
I almost feel like I would have to pull some kind of extreme choice to show that I mean business and that I don't think people deserve me.
There are some people I really don't mind talking to. Ultimately, I think people are wrong in their demands and expectations. I also think they are wrong with hawkishly waiting to accuse me of either being a hooker or greedy just because I hate being taken advantage of and when it isn't even about sex. I think people are close-minded to point the finger at me being either Mother Theresa or Hooker. My own accusations towards others is different judgement and people in and of itself.
I still hate that battles went that far where I had to make that ugly of a comment.
I have a feeling the redhead may feel the same way on the issue of being a humanitarian. The difference is though, I think that she uses religion as her scapegoat for what causes hostility. I think my disadvantage may also be that I'm probably being compared with my family and esp my Kim Jong Ill grandmother. I'd really slap the atheist silly for failing to see their own face in the mirror. That atheists forget they can be just as hostile, disrespecting, and dehumanizing as a person of any faith.
Quick personal opinion over matters of "morals with or without God." Yes, I believe there is a such thing. I don't think people should be so harshly judged and labeled depending on religion or faith even agnosticism or atheism. I know there have been plenty of Christians when I was more devout that have disappointed me. I really do not like having to be a judgemental person.
NY Moscow...... I did say that he did give an apology. I think there could have been a possibility that he may have apologized to me in the hospital as well when I discovered a couple of things about him. He slept with a serious enemy. My parents were secretly (not so secretely in the newspaper) the ones who were responsible for me meeting him. As much as I dislike my parents, I battle against using that against him. It isn't entirely his fault. He may not even be a reflection of who my parents are. It is something that is still very damaging to know. At this point, what man has not damaged me? Even numbers of articles has said that there is no such thing as a serious relationship that has not had cheating. There is still an undeniable attraction and affection that I have for him. I can't give any definite answers with NY Moscow.
I did smile at Bristol's and Mark's dance. If they think that couple is the antichrist, I have no idea why. I didn't think their footing was that great, but I enjoyed the dance altogether.
It leads me to my next thought: Vanguard vs. Fidelity. Vanguard was my brother wing in school I wonder if they still believe to guard oneself even if they get married? What would the purpose of that be if the two really aren't one? If there is no faithfulness in the marriage? If one should feel to be guarded so much, why the hell even get married? Maybe their own skepticism, cynicism, and disappointments in life make them believe they are better off in life to always be guarded, even in marriage. I think it is selfish to the woman and purposeless.
I don't really have many other thoughts. I'd love to be demanding right now with money, but I feel so hopeless and helpless with it.
My finances will make me burn a little later, but in my own self-judgement, I will not be as anxious about it as I was before. Even if I go bankrupt, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I am a victim, but an undefeated victim that knows the world is out of my control.
I havn't forgotten about yesterdays postings though.
I'm at wierd odds. I mean it with all of my heart with the songs with Linkin Park and Blue October. I could add James Blunt and Kid Rock in there with them too. Self-pity.
Dancing with the Stars is a little different but still neither contracted nor chosen in my ballcourt. I'll elaborate on the show in a minute.
I feel right now is the time where I am at a crossroads. I hate that it is this extreme. I understand complications and difficulties. I consider Lenny's math to be off with the mail-order bride. I continue to deny and say the Terry Hatcher acting of Susan in this season's Desperate Housewives IS A LIE. Say what you want, Susan's character is nothing but a lie. You know what? Even though I disagree with the abuse of the whole Mo thing, I'd rather be ridiculed for that than suffer a lie at the expense of someone's ego.
I don't think Jay Z likes me, but I feel this song very often. Ladies is pimps too!!!! (not really).
Back to the crossroads. I really don't want to be a hermit. At the same time, I REALLY WANT TO PROVE THAT I MEAN WHAT I SAY IN THE BELTING LYRICS THAT NOBODY OWNS ME AND THAT I FEEL I AM GETTING EXTREMELY TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF AND THAT THIS HAS NEVER BEEN MY CHOICE!
I almost feel like I would have to pull some kind of extreme choice to show that I mean business and that I don't think people deserve me.
There are some people I really don't mind talking to. Ultimately, I think people are wrong in their demands and expectations. I also think they are wrong with hawkishly waiting to accuse me of either being a hooker or greedy just because I hate being taken advantage of and when it isn't even about sex. I think people are close-minded to point the finger at me being either Mother Theresa or Hooker. My own accusations towards others is different judgement and people in and of itself.
I still hate that battles went that far where I had to make that ugly of a comment.
I have a feeling the redhead may feel the same way on the issue of being a humanitarian. The difference is though, I think that she uses religion as her scapegoat for what causes hostility. I think my disadvantage may also be that I'm probably being compared with my family and esp my Kim Jong Ill grandmother. I'd really slap the atheist silly for failing to see their own face in the mirror. That atheists forget they can be just as hostile, disrespecting, and dehumanizing as a person of any faith.
Quick personal opinion over matters of "morals with or without God." Yes, I believe there is a such thing. I don't think people should be so harshly judged and labeled depending on religion or faith even agnosticism or atheism. I know there have been plenty of Christians when I was more devout that have disappointed me. I really do not like having to be a judgemental person.
NY Moscow...... I did say that he did give an apology. I think there could have been a possibility that he may have apologized to me in the hospital as well when I discovered a couple of things about him. He slept with a serious enemy. My parents were secretly (not so secretely in the newspaper) the ones who were responsible for me meeting him. As much as I dislike my parents, I battle against using that against him. It isn't entirely his fault. He may not even be a reflection of who my parents are. It is something that is still very damaging to know. At this point, what man has not damaged me? Even numbers of articles has said that there is no such thing as a serious relationship that has not had cheating. There is still an undeniable attraction and affection that I have for him. I can't give any definite answers with NY Moscow.
I did smile at Bristol's and Mark's dance. If they think that couple is the antichrist, I have no idea why. I didn't think their footing was that great, but I enjoyed the dance altogether.
It leads me to my next thought: Vanguard vs. Fidelity. Vanguard was my brother wing in school I wonder if they still believe to guard oneself even if they get married? What would the purpose of that be if the two really aren't one? If there is no faithfulness in the marriage? If one should feel to be guarded so much, why the hell even get married? Maybe their own skepticism, cynicism, and disappointments in life make them believe they are better off in life to always be guarded, even in marriage. I think it is selfish to the woman and purposeless.
I don't really have many other thoughts. I'd love to be demanding right now with money, but I feel so hopeless and helpless with it.
My finances will make me burn a little later, but in my own self-judgement, I will not be as anxious about it as I was before. Even if I go bankrupt, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I am a victim, but an undefeated victim that knows the world is out of my control.
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