days end

I have yet to catch up with last week's apprentice. I need to watch Desperate Housewives and the beginnings of Dancing with the Stars again.

I havn't forgotten about yesterdays postings though.
I'm at wierd odds. I mean it with all of my heart with the songs with Linkin Park and Blue October. I could add James Blunt and Kid Rock in there with them too. Self-pity.
Dancing with the Stars is a little different but still neither contracted nor chosen in my ballcourt. I'll elaborate on the show in a minute.
I feel right now is the time where I am at a crossroads. I hate that it is this extreme. I understand complications and difficulties. I consider Lenny's math to be off with the mail-order bride. I continue to deny and say the Terry Hatcher acting of Susan in this season's Desperate Housewives IS A LIE. Say what you want, Susan's character is nothing but a lie. You know what? Even though I disagree with the abuse of the whole Mo thing, I'd rather be ridiculed for that than suffer a lie at the expense of someone's ego.



I don't think Jay Z likes me, but I feel this song very often. Ladies is pimps too!!!! (not really).

Back to the crossroads. I really don't want to be a hermit. At the same time, I REALLY WANT TO PROVE THAT I MEAN WHAT I SAY IN THE BELTING LYRICS THAT NOBODY OWNS ME AND THAT I FEEL I AM GETTING EXTREMELY TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF AND THAT THIS HAS NEVER BEEN MY CHOICE!
I almost feel like I would have to pull some kind of extreme choice to show that I mean business and that I don't think people deserve me.
There are some people I really don't mind talking to. Ultimately, I think people are wrong in their demands and expectations. I also think they are wrong with hawkishly waiting to accuse me of either being a hooker or greedy just because I hate being taken advantage of and when it isn't even about sex. I think people are close-minded to point the finger at me being either Mother Theresa or Hooker. My own accusations towards others is different judgement and people in and of itself.
I still hate that battles went that far where I had to make that ugly of a comment.

I have a feeling the redhead may feel the same way on the issue of being a humanitarian. The difference is though, I think that she uses religion as her scapegoat for what causes hostility. I think my disadvantage may also be that I'm probably being compared with my family and esp my Kim Jong Ill grandmother. I'd really slap the atheist silly for failing to see their own face in the mirror. That atheists forget they can be just as hostile, disrespecting, and dehumanizing as a person of any faith.

Quick personal opinion over matters of "morals with or without God." Yes, I believe there is a such thing. I don't think people should be so harshly judged and labeled depending on religion or faith even agnosticism or atheism. I know there have been plenty of Christians when I was more devout that have disappointed me. I really do not like having to be a judgemental person.

NY Moscow...... I did say that he did give an apology. I think there could have been a possibility that he may have apologized to me in the hospital as well when I discovered a couple of things about him. He slept with a serious enemy. My parents were secretly (not so secretely in the newspaper) the ones who were responsible for me meeting him. As much as I dislike my parents, I battle against using that against him. It isn't entirely his fault. He may not even be a reflection of who my parents are. It is something that is still very damaging to know. At this point, what man has not damaged me? Even numbers of articles has said that there is no such thing as a serious relationship that has not had cheating. There is still an undeniable attraction and affection that I have for him. I can't give any definite answers with NY Moscow.

I did smile at Bristol's and Mark's dance. If they think that couple is the antichrist, I have no idea why. I didn't think their footing was that great, but I enjoyed the dance altogether.

It leads me to my next thought: Vanguard vs. Fidelity. Vanguard was my brother wing in school I wonder if they still believe to guard oneself even if they get married? What would the purpose of that be if the two really aren't one? If there is no faithfulness in the marriage? If one should feel to be guarded so much, why the hell even get married? Maybe their own skepticism, cynicism, and disappointments in life make them believe they are better off in life to always be guarded, even in marriage. I think it is selfish to the woman and purposeless.

I don't really have many other thoughts. I'd love to be demanding right now with money, but I feel so hopeless and helpless with it.
My finances will make me burn a little later, but in my own self-judgement, I will not be as anxious about it as I was before. Even if I go bankrupt, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I am a victim, but an undefeated victim that knows the world is out of my control.