Hate and Death

There are numbers of people that I have a sincere hate for.
Some know by now that Sid is one of them, and one of his cats is Charlie Sheen.
One of the reasons that I hate Sid is that he is one of the people who are quick to assume and judge a person. I would think that he thinks that I was responsible for his "disturbing hotel attack."
No. I think it is possible that someone would want to give me justice for his lies, rubble, corruption, womanizing, and harassment, but I have never made any choice for something like that to happen.
There are times that I get so angry, I can visualize myself really beating the crap out of someone. I could see myself grab someone's hair and slam their face into a mirror or glass with how angry I get. I've never taken violent action, I can't say I ever would or would not.
I really don't want to. If I was ever in a position where I was seriously getting threatened, I would not argue against or be opposed to the idea of being on the defense. If my fight skills succeeded in murder, I would probably do it in the adrenaline rush of my defense.
I do want revenge on Sid. I do want justice. When I hear stuff in the news though, my thoughts are honestly mixed feelings. I feel a little justice on my end, but at the same time, I would wish for a different form of justice. If the justice is in my name, I think whoever is responsible makes me look bad. I hate karma games. Karma games is not a part of who I am. I do not want to be a victim of someone's "love and war games" where I do not see us as being equal or the same.

I did see Sean Penn's girlfriend. I'm not completely sure how to use my imagination. He could direct it at me or my sis, but I have a better assumption that it is my sister he is with. So, that is the assumption I'm going to roll with.
I think they are both arrogant crackheads. (I really do not want to cause my sister harm and more vulnerability, but she has been to rehab for drugs. She has done both coke and heroine.)
I know people are mad about the movie Precious. Katie is always competing over blacksheep with me. I know Katie gets demonized from time to time by a number of people for the lifestyle she lives. Again, I'm not really one of those people. She is the attacker. She is the one who blames me and brings me into her drama when she feels that she is suffering from demonization and condemnation from the world.
....................
Since Aaron and Chicago has been brought up, I'm really uncertain with where her anger or fight is going. It was years ago with me, her, andrew, and josh. There was this psycho networking going on where we changed names and characters depending on our drama as an interrogation tactic because Josh and Andrew have to much pride and arrogance to ask. They would rather assume and rage with their anger.

I still feel that people are shoving me once again to be a lesbian. If it is coming from Katie, again, I call her an arrogant crackhead.
From females in general, I really do not want to be a lesbian.
I am hurt and angry that men are so hateful and rejecting of me, but even in my anger and hurt, I would rather be single with a vibrator for years until the right one came along.
I am dealing with my debt, and with or without a man, my finances is something I have always been trying to work on myself. I keep getting drowned, buried alive, and screwed over. Everyone hates me. I'm not giving up on trying to fix my debt, but it seems more and more impossible as the days go by.
If men wonder why I talk to women more than men? It really is a matter of availability. I talk to men to from time to time. But, depending on how close I am with someone, depending on levels of trust, and compatibility determines most of the time how much I will and will not share.
Being tortured is a different story. It isn't my fault that I get tortured, but I really think if a man has to go the length to torture whoever he is with, he really has no business in being with her. Men should want to be loving towards women.
Women torture me too, and it disgusts me. I get just as mad at women for their arrogance and vanity probably moreso than men.
I am extremely more choosy with women even though I've never slept with one.
If I had a choice to be raped by a man or woman, I'd rather be raped by a man.
As much as I wish I could be more of a chase with some men, I'm simply too starved with the ones that I am interested in. I'd rather try to make things work, and I think that is why some men run off: they just want the game and the challenge. This is back to the beginning when I first started writing and when I complained about my issues with men. I am the serious and sincere type. Some men, I can see my resistance, and some that I am resistant with, I am very sincere in saying "no." I won't deny though that I get turned on by the aggression that some men can have. I get frustrated that I can't find a good enough balance where there is a good level of compatibility where I do not feel like he is forcing me into a box or label and not acknowledging me. I hate feeling ignored.
Until then, I will suffer in my lonesome until the right man comes along.