Where do I begin, I think I will talk about the magazine in a whole different blog.
As for yesterday's gossip and internet articles, it is another overload.
Gossip flies in wierd ways. Because it has been known of my stubborness and headstrongness, I think I have been pretty much back to back my entire life with numbers of people. Therefore, it is common for continued feuds of "you don't know me," and intentional dysfunction so that other people who may have a larger crowd will get away with their stalking and issues of competence.
Yes, being solo, it does have its positives and negatives. One of the negatives is it is much more difficult to recieve an honest and competent acknowledgement.
I continuously have to reassert myself to say I am queen of my own world. In some settings there is reasonable lines and job descriptions that I don't have a problem with. I plow through manipulations and communistic people none the less.
Yes, I have a serious issue with Bree. While we both don't know each other, because she is part of the bandwagon, she will always get the upperhand of the "you don't know me" fued, and it is expected that I will be at her mercy on ends of communication.
In picking up on another's gossip yesterday, I think she may have directed Bree at being a "best friend" in college and maybe even trying to fill in some puzzles that she must have some how been wired and systematically simmed in my college world somehow. I have seen some connections that possibly trail back to Sid even though I never even saw Sid in Oklahoma. The matrix has weird ways of working. Anyhow, I think somehow, people networked them to be involved in my college life. There were semi-relationships with guys that I went through that really weren't serious but moreso crushes or guys that I played games with. I have never considered Bree a best friend and even current gossip times "a lover." I think she did catch on to the whole horse thing that was commercialized by others and my anger against it. People honestly were trying to make me paranoid over the issue. I think because it was a failed attempt of some people's fantasy; they made me the scapegoat. It isn't surprising or unpredictable that they would. They knew I was offended, but in most ego fueds, my offenses usually aren't acknowledged. If they are acknowledged, they are acknowledged in a way where I am in some kind of committed crime, being a terrorist, or being some kind of hater in some way when there really is a more complicated story that gets extremely boxed.
Anyway, I blamed Jon the most. I said he, among other men have issues that I do not have a begging or slave mentality towards them. Because of it, they are trying to save their own ego by telling others that there is something wrong with me. Sometimes, it is "schizophrenia," (but I think they are learning most people no longer buy it). Oftentimes, it is that I must be a lesbian. There were other times though where some guys throughout life have presented themselves to "seriously care," and said that I was cheating on them with someone else. This is another example that I complain about the expectation factor. I have not, let alone, gone on a date or had opportunities to spend time in getting to know them or even feel comfortable knowing them in a normal way.
And, I also expressed my anger at Bree that she is not my mom and that I am still queen of my own world. She may have some roles in scattered manipulated matrix positions where she is the boss BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I GIVE MY LIFE TO HER OR THAT SHE OWNS ME. I think she among others do try to go beyond my borderline just to prove they can, and I have ridiculed them back to say that they only play with themselves. I have said that their manipulations really do not have much power or control in my life while with other people they may get away with it.
Sid, he stays mysterious as usual, but I am starting to pick up on an expected slave mentality he wants from me. If I do not get him; am on the same page; know what is going on in his life; then I'm the "stupid one." He is such a pig to have the nerve to call me "Rose" and at the same time expect me to know everything about him. Throughout my mixed feelings he has failed to see that I'm really not his constant stalking Rose. I guess I could be a little stalkish sometimes when I am seeking info to look out for my own safety. And sometimes, I am curious about himself. But, I am not his slave. I refuse to be "at his mercy." I reminded him that I am not part of his commune; that I have a mind of my own and can speak for myself.
To continue on with the idea; I toss aside the idea that Katie and I are twins. Maybe to acknowledge us as so brings about some peace to people and competitions that they can get in. But, I think it is sloppy, one-sided, cookie cutter, and lazy judgement to call my sister and I twins. Maybe if I were in a city there would be more sophisticated and open-minded recognition. But usually, when I am compared to my sister or shared systematically with other people, I continue to grow tired of manipulation.
Yes, I am obviously relating to shared feelings with this song. I am just altogether and have been sick of the system. Shared feelings only go so far. People have different values, cares, and so on after a vague or outer layer of onion commonality.
Bob, it looks like someone is threatening to murder you and maybe even confronting you on being a predator. It convinces me of more responsibility you must have for the chaos in my life. I also get convinced of other things. Because I don't know many details I don't know what to say. I'll draw more attention to you, but I have no comment. At this time, I choose to be silent.
Another connection in my world was the issue with the indoor boyfriend.
http://www.lemondrop.com/2010/11/18/have-you-ever-had-an-indoor-boyfriend/?icid=maing%7Cmain5%7C5%7Clink2%7C29256
I understand that people must somehow want to create structure and take out chaos by creating a setting that may make some sense. It does to an extent, but the truth is, I am still alone and untouched. I am not snuggling with anyone. I do not have a real life presence that is with me where we have plenty of spoken conversation. Yes, there are crazy methods of communication, but to see the picture like others do; I don't. I think it also could be a testing. In this instance, I am bothered by the questioning. Some people may see him as "obnoxious." Some people may percieve me as "uncomfortable and/or embarassed." But the truth is, I am appreciative of the manliness. It is something I would want. I don't understand how it is visualized or put together in my world. I may feel uncomfortable but I think it is an obviously uncomfortable situation and I do give appreciation at the work done to be protecting. Once again though, the trouble is I see a couple of different connections where even Sid may be trying to reach me and I don't really know who feels that way about me.
In other rumors, I think people want to inform me that my sister may have slept with Joe Flacco. I never understood Joe to begin with. I'm not really heartbroken, but it makes more sense as to why he would have hostile aggression against me. I still do not know what it is that he is trying to get at.
I already have given some feedback in other places I have been to some people. After being put in some kind of spotlight, I am sure that they somehow know how I feel, and hopefully the message comes across very competently and honestly. I don't quite understand the setting or how connections are made. More manipulation. And either kidnap talk or cheap talk. (In a kidnapped situation, feelings are always manipulated anyway).
I'll write a blog later on where I talk about the magazine articles. ........
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