Thoughts of the Day

It's actually been a long time since writing my last blog. I could say it's neither good nor bad. A large amount of blogs I write are due to some anxieties- and whether it is the meds or me having a better sense of calmness against urgent anxieties- it's been awhile since I've written a blog. Maybe it's just part of the death and dying process. I would like to live a longer life but whatever amount of time I have left on this earth. I used to be a little brag of a blogger but just could not let myself brag too much over blog writing. .... At the age of 37, I'm living in a very pressing year of my personal life. Whatever I choose to do over the next year of my life is vital and will effect the next decade more of my life. Whichever road I take, even if I make no choice to do a thing, will have more turns to take no matter what I do... Decisions, decisions... I still have a good number of things I'm mad at and feel I should never even have to be made to be mad over for that long. I think the factors that kill me the most is on top of some actions: the denial in some people and the way I feel such a loss of connection in what some realities are to me that other people won't realize, recognize, understand, or see eye to eye with. There may be actual truths, facts, or knowings with some people that I may never see, get, or realize on my own, but it doesn't change the way I feel a severely mistreated person at some times more than others. There are times that there is such a lack of shame when it's not denial. I think the denial is worse.... Life in the pandemic. I definitely struggle some. I can admit I was struggling a little financially before it hit, but the pandemic makes things so much harder. I was even wanting a stay at home job before the pandemic too. It's been mostly reluctant with a reel here or there. I may be getting at least a part time one soon. Most are finicky and not easy to thumb through. Some require specific degrees. Some you have to have 2 frickin monitors. Some are just finicky over the computer tech and I'm not the biggest techi. My laptop is 10 years old. I pretty much have to buy a new one if I want to pass a computer test for a basic close to minimum wage occupation. Some are finicky with phone lines. I could go on with a few more sentences, but on my end, getting a stay at home job is easier said than done. I envy the ones who have one and who have had no trouble at all in landing one. Although I have cut back on the hours and number of rideshare calls, I just can't stand to listen to another rider talking about their stay at home job. A lot aren't the most satisfied. They don't like to be home that much. I can't stand being home in just a couple days of quarantine, which is my next real struggle... Everyone gets paranoid over any cold and flu symptoms. I have been in quarantine 3 different occassions with Mitzi and they were never full quarantines because we did not have the Covid, thank God. However, unless a person does have Covid, most aren't entirely saved financially. I still have to take a lot of time off of work and lose hours but I still don't get covered in any of my jobs unless I actually get officially diagnosed. If I did get covered it is a freaking process with anything! Even if I had to file an unemployment claim which I did much earlier over babyitting issues and I had to wait a month just to get some kind of letter in return (I still never approved but I tried to do something). I don't think it takes as long anymore, but there is still a wait issue with a fraction of what I would make. By the time a person gets some kind of check, they would be back at work again if they were only off for being just sick. It's a good thing though for people who keep running and I give them kudos. Some might not get away with it if they wanted to stay off longer because specific questions are asked like that: "were you able to work if you could?" "why not". I wouldn't have too much of a lucky break if I was on unemployment and make more most of the time and am better off financially when I'm not in quarantine. When it was my occassion to be sick, I really thought I had strep, and although I assumed right that there would be consequences of going to see the Dr anyway, I was still too scared not to go to the Dr. Strep hurts and can get worse. I was mad though. It's almost like you can't go to the Dr's anymore if you feel you're a little worse than a common cold because it only takes 2 symptoms for a Covid suspicion and then you are damned to a couple of days in quarantine until the lab frees you again. It's not worth it for me to be in quarantine! It is nothing but a punch to my wallet. I have to go on several work binges from time to time and work binging is the only option and although I can be unfortunate, I am fortunate to have the ability to put loads of work hours on my plate when needed with the couple of different jobs I have. I am blessed in having that ability. Of course, not in quarantine. Until I can land an at-home job. ... My little rant about the pandemic and having things on my mind.

Yesterday's Continuation: A little mess to clean...

So, the main fact is, I was being stared at by someone or many people on msn. It happens all the time. There are time I think I get stared at on a daily basis. Sometimes it is Kavorkians, other times I feel I am being supported. And then other times, I know I am being stared at and tested in a dominate way. They could still be in the Kavorkian category, but they are so vain that they wouldn't even see theirself as a Kavorkian. They rob me like they are the real leader, and have all the glory and credit in their egocentrism and are my master. … I sent a message to my present guy this morning along the lines of: "Do unfair isolating Russians mess with you R!*k%? I get messed with. Is there anything in particular I should believe about you?" And left it at that. To make a long gibberish short, he pleaded "not guilty." He didn't own anything that has been happening on msn. It is all denied. It was kind of a "what are you talking about?" scene. I wasn't cornered into schizophrenia, but I told him it was like explaining "The Chronicles of Narnia," to him. I was both mad and relieved with "Well R!*k% I guess we don't have any connection at all"....and then my next stigmatic step was my whole shpeal about lying. I told him that if he had anything to get at or for me to believe this was pretty much his chance. I have had guys make me take the fall or kill before for their lies and that if he is lying to me, I'm not taking the fall for his lies. Back to "there was no connection with anything being said on msn or in other Narnia worlds." So, what have I decided to do? I'm staying a sucker for his sweet talker. He keeps me sweet talked and remains a teddy bear. … This is my stare off right now. … If I had to assume who my usual suspects are, I would guess Jon Stewart and he is someone I did recently see on msn. It could be Don Jr. or Jimmy Kimmel and Stacy is definitely portrayed as someone hovering over my life like she has me stalked, owned, and terrorizingly out-faced. Like my life is hers up for grabs. I still havn't been arrested yet Stacy. So whether or not the cops have their own childish and stubborn "I'll arrest you when I feel like it." I'm not being arrested. I think someone was smacking us both around with more bullshit on msn like my debt is the reason I should have to put up with such a dominate bullshit and harassment. She was yelled at over something stupid too. Once again, more drama is happening against my will and my respect. I've had a firm choice and answer, yet I was forced to be faced with more provocations with her and other people. I'm still too blind for more than half of it to know where it came from. It mattered more to me to try to interrupt whatever stare it was and create an awkward moment with my present guy than to feel in more of a severe terror and threat that I am once again continued into the same terror of being robbed and murdered by someone's totalitarian dominance and damnations. Whether or not I was going to lose him, I had to break over whatever terrorizing stare was to my face. I can't stand the threat of being lied to and against and robbed in a never ending way like that. I'm sure the terror may happen on occasion but the serious threats and person who keeps threatening my life in the same ways needs to be found and severely punished. I want them jack-hammered to my face.

Must I remind you?

I have my own personal complex that comes with a lot of issues of which I know I have many. … I had a cop in my car yesterday taking an Uber ride. We briefly talked about several subjects, but when we came across one in particular, I was so upset that a blame game had not come to rest. It was in regards to refusing service for a ride. The cop said: If I wanted to stop and kick some people out in the middle of a ride, I could. In my mind's eye, it was a feed to a threat of my willing/unwillingness. It was someone wanting to put another person's responsibility on me. In the most of my fairness, some people are dead giveaways of being some out of control drunkard that is asking for it. I haven't dumped anyone out of my car yet, but when someone is being out of control, I'm not going to be judged or held accountable with whether or not I will dump them out of my car. When someone is already an out of control mentally unstable savage, there is still a risk to me whether or not they become a savage sore loser throwing some kind of fit or threat against me for kicking them out. I am one who people tend to take hostage and I will not be accountable to the hostage taker. Besides the dead giveaways is where the rest of THE MAJORITY IS: People WHO ARE NOT OBVIOUS ENOUGH AND HAVE NO FAIRNESS. Not all people. When it comes to the category of kicking someone out of my car, the majority of the people in this category are Russian Muslims who have no fairness, keep me in restraint with their forceful and domineering mind vices, and act like they have me owned and are possessive in some way or another. There is no fairness to the actions of some particular people. THE LAST TIME I DID CRY FOR HELP TO A COP'S FACE I WAS TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL AND CALLED A SCHIZ. There are numbers of times I have wanted to go to the cops and call out more particular stalkers and say them for the murderous stalking chauvenists they are. While I know I have some distance security in whatever socialism it is supposed to be, I still have no fair sense of security where I can feel safe in telling a cop about particular people and Russian Muslims AND WAYS I KNOW I CAN'T PROVE THEM. THERE IS STILL A SEVERE AMOUNT OF UNFAIRNESS THERE AND I WILL NOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE. Besides being judged in some worst stupid crackhead ways, I can't stand being judged and made to be responsible over the things a hostage taker does. I had to get that off my chest.

Random Thoughts, and Dangerous Burmuda Man

If there is any wind I can catch right now, it is really wanting to run a marathon. I've been hesitant with a marathon tomorrow because of the weather, but I am deciding to pass on it. I have still donated but have to skip the race. It would have felt better to run, but I can't run in a colder and rainy weather like that. Along with my daughter I have a mild asthma that I know will spike. There are more marathons to come, but I hate when I say to myself: "there goes another marathon." …..Burmuda Man Brock Cop....There are just quick blink and miss moments I think I see sometimes. I can't always hear or see everything. The message I am given is very blotted. I'm still not sure if Brock and the Cop are one or two people and this is another reason why I am in such an agitated anger. Cop, I'll make another part of your UNFAIR RUDEASS DRONE quick and simple. If there was any man you need to protect me from, it is "the father of the virgin suicides." He is found in many and needs to be treated to the abusive, tyrant terrorist that he is. I hate being forced to be molested and called incapable. If there were any more criminal of a man, that tyrant molester is the biggest criminal. When I talk about the arbitrage of Goat Man too, he is very similar in some ways, but it isn't that he is a molester like that. Goat Man has some recognition to give. I become more of a statistic to my pain day by day, but it isn't drugs that I am looking for. When I talk about Goat Man, he really is another psychological terrorist. He is a dominant tyrant man who has his violent mind set, and when I refer to goatman it is a man who makes a woman scream because he has such a serious dominant mindset wanting to overtake his victim. I know in the movie, it appeared him as a drug lord more than anyone, but with me its more about the psychological terrorist he is and Brock Cop, that is why I put you in his category in some way anyway without you being the fairest of them all...… SPEAKING OF FAIRNESS. I would like to believe Brock and the cop are the same in some ways but its almost like they are two different people. YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU DO TO ME WHEN YOU ARE UNFAIR. Brock, I was still calling you a drone in some ways, and extremely cold and scary you were in those times, but you are the one who talks to me in real life. You or the cop has breaking in my head AND SERIOUSLY GIVING ME ANOTHER MESSAGE. Well, not entirely, it is a sex addiction you are forcing me into, but I feel more of a kindness and respect. Its like Brock was giving me a confirmation one night, but if you are continuing on with me Brock, you ARE LIVING IN TWO SEPARATE AND UNFAIR WORLDS. You are still in my square one and deserve to be treated like a muslim with the rest of everybody. You just don't understand what your unfairness does to me. I love it when you make me feel you are holding me and giving me light caresses in some ways. I love that you understood something simple: not anything is fair with anyone. I love and hate that you are forcing me to have a sex addiction for you. But when you won't have me to my face and in person, it is such a null and void with everything. I am a sad woman who can't beat the number of sadists in my life. I don't understand your will to care. I need more of a connection. I need more than sex. Right now, I am more inclined to go out tonight and keep myself distracted despite the terrorizing odds I have in my life right now. I can't win and I can't lose in going out. Part of me wants to push myself in finding someone to sleep with. It would be nice if you did come my way Brock Cop, but if you will always be this unfair mean drone hovering over me and giving yourself too much of a dominance, it will eventually be much easier to push myself to go home with someone else. Right now, the sad victim of a song I have in my head is Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock "Picture," because you've been on my mind all week. I want to be over you but you won't stop keeping me.

Isolation

So, I'm not putting the biggest Muslim on Oprah or much blame on her for blocking my twitter account. I'm sure she isn't the one who is the tweet reviewer. When things happen in my Bollywood and Burmuda, they do. As much as I hate the way my life gets set up to be intentionally raped with regulation, I don't expect social media groups to have access to everything with everything regulated. … I really do have a lot of appreciation for Twitter in making me feel I have a little bit of a voice in the world. Even though I feel I get ignored often; I at least know I did something about my tree falling in the forest and still making a noise. I like facebook some but it isn't my main social media outlet. I really live in a paranormal planet. Speaking of, it was nice to have some acknowledgment with the Louisville mascot and someone knowing Muir plays too dirty... I don't mean to add more insult to injury with the way he looks like the mascot. I've considered something he said a serious beating and I've already taken more than enough of a beating. When people don't want to listen; when people don't want to stop, I just shrug my shoulders guiltlessly with the punches I hate I had no other choice to give. Whether or not I made him cry or feel injured, take that. It's so sadistically sick with the way some wife beating men will intentionally make me cry for my respect. I'm going to let it go a day or two to delete my tweet to get my account back. I want to keep my knife held in just a little longer with how much I mean I hate his rapist actions and threats. I really don't know how to this day I get thrown into Bollywood and whether or not a man makes a choice or someone chooses someone for me. I know there is some entity who can oversee some things that happen. I would guess it to be the military or a wealthy person who controls some militancy. Anyway, I don't understand why I keep getting outnumbered with the same similar sexual assaults. I hate the way I get cornered and hurt. Why am I not protected from some people enough? I've felt extremely hated on and hurt in some particular ways for a long time and I will never understand why I have always been treated to such an extreme long brutality and totalitarianism. While I believe I have some strangers in the world who know what it means to walk in a two way street with a consensual and more of a fair chance for each other, there is a dominance- sometimes strange, that won't stop standing in my way. I don't know who keeps controlling the brutality but I really hate whatever it is that keeps forcing me to take the same worst blows. While I can't prove how severely battered and stockholmed of a person I am, I know I still am. I feel I could just naturally die sometimes but I can't stand the thought of Mitzi being left alone. Someone should have kept their rapist and arrogantly vain "master" (sarcasm) mouth shut a long time ago but they never stopped and they never will. I hate that someone won't stop forcing the worst despair into my life. I don't like putting thoughts like this out on facebook because I need a real professional and not random or closer and direct people I need to be heard from. I just can't stand something about the way I am being isolated right now. I can take it better sometimes more than others but right now I am way too on edge....

On your toes for me?

Are you emotionally listening to me by taking 20 steps back of being fatherly to me? ~swoon~ Yeah, that recent video clip was some kind of sign. I can and can't live up to that brief message. I just have my days and everyone has their days. I'm not looking to bicker or criticize you or anyone in particular: with me it is about being real and having a free emotional expression. It isn't fun to be around people who are constantly negative or in the dumps, but the people who stay positive too much I find to be annoying. It isn't that I would ever force someone to let me in, but sometimes the ones who are positive too much don't look like they always have the best grip on reality. They sometimes seem a little fake like they are obligated or in fear to look or act as if they are the most happy. I don't like the "most happy" ones who push me around because I'm not the most upbeat and like there must be something wrong with me because I'm not always bouncing off the walls. Have you ever seen the movie "Bubble Boy" with the "bright and shiny" cult? It's the newer old one. …. yeah boat 15. I've had these awful ugly souls of a demon seem to be severely and dominantly predatory with me for some long time. The demon of Wade Hayes of the father of the "virgin suicides" of Calvin all rolled into one wanting me to die a miserable death in a lonesome Stockholm basement. Django's "Calvin". The demon Father Wade Calvin will pose as not having a clue about whatever it is to know better because just like the devil he lies and has the worst fugly denial. A slight edit of a swear word but that Father Wade Calvin makes me so angry sometimes with the way he covers his crime and treats his crimes like its no crime at all. The lying devil... Oh boat 15 you will have to strengthen me and give me more sight if you carry that one's demon. Of course that isn't what the devil would do, but I can trust you to be more than the devil right? Please don't tell me Father Wade Calvin was your intention of making me CRINGE?? As much as I need you to be my missionary we could have a same conflict of neediness of a missionary. The song "cringe" just sounds like nothing but a cry for help. I'm sorry you could be someone who could be more obvious to guess at. …. My other thought. I really don't know what you could be getting at with the last tweet when you talk about unfairness. A person can only take so much boat 15 and I need you to have some sensitivity to that too...Passing the test and doing the right thing and God will make it up to you... (it's almost like you will have a share with god and treat yourself to your manipulative complex) You making fun of me with the way I was always making fun of men like you? lol Well boat 15, I don't understand what test and whatever it is to pass your test and I can't make promises with whatever is the test and whatever is passing. If you wanted me to do something, you aren't making it clear at all what it is you want me to do at this time. (right now is the moment you can make me up with a blow up doll). Boat 15, it is mean to give someone a false hope and make them believe they are loved enough and will have a tangible and real relationship when it will never happen. It is mean if you belong to that team AND IT IS SOMETHING THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO GIVE SOMEONE A FALSE HOPE. PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO NOT JUST LIE BUT LIE WITH SUCH A SERIOUS HUMILIATION AND DESTRUCTION TOWARDS A PERSON. Boat 15, if you know there is something you know you should know better than, THAN I HOPE YOU ACT LIKE YOU KNOW IT AND KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO ACT LIKE YOU KNOW. For goodness sake, if you mean to be an intentional joker to me, what did I ever do to you? You that mad in whatever way I shot you in the crossfire with Tom?

Dead Giveaway of a Personal Terrorist

You must have felt too murdered by me Dan, and couldn't stand the way I would or wouldn't even look at you at all.......As I assumed Jack to be Josh; I assumed you to be John Atchison...... Summed up quick facts: You have the voice of John Atchison in your own way. You were one of the worst life threatening and terrorizing "As If" cut throats. You are the voice of another goat man who wished he were my master and thinks he "understands me for who I am." I don't know if you caught that I was laughing the most at your "I bet my life on you," song but it really made me wonder if you were using yourself to make fun of John Atchison. Your first most famous song "It's Time," literally made me cry. Sorry for the way I can only be brutally honest with you. But it was more emotional and psychological terror of another dry rape. John was another chauvinistic cut throat idiot that already put me through his worst ringer and then put the bad guy control freak on me like I wanted to keep him and change him. Through you, he was nothing but an as if cut throat liar. "Demons," made me feel molested the most. Personally, I hate the way people throw that word around in their most ignorant way because they are that desperate for a knife. I'll call it another cut throat "as if I were still there for John. As if I looked up to him or were ever going to look up to him." Dan, whatever tag team you are with John and the kill you can only take with him. And to top it off, back the "I bet my life," song. I responded to the song with MIA's paper planes, "seriously I wouldn't bet my life on it John." He is another man who is extremely vain and a high complex for his authority where he only talks to me in a subjective under toning god complex. It's another reason I call him a jihadist or Muslim because he has such a cut throat hateful degradation. But once again, the song lies "As if I had no self respect. As if I were always available to him and would take him back at any point." With that song and the demons song, "as if I always felt inferior and that he has had me beat." You were a big man who made me feel lied against and buried alive with John, Dan. There was a lot of emotional and psychological terror that came in the lyrics with how you would make me look with him. While you don't appear to be the most angry as an ally with him against me; it is as if now you feel some kind of remorse, as if you must be mistaken, you must feel very challenged, and you want to show me up and prove me wrong in some ways.............. While some arbitrages can be confusing; I suggest you be most protective of my truth and have some fear in misrepresenting me. I would suggest you come up with your own spin off of Nine Inch Nails, "There is no you," but you did want to hurt me for yourself or could have been another that was too vain to understand the terror that you did bring on me. Dan, I don't know your why's and why you made some of the music you did. I have identified you as a terrorist in the past. I really do like your newest song "Whatever it Takes," but it is still awkward to let myself like it. You have me turned on in a way with the way you want to show me up in some way, but I don't believe you are sold on me. I think you might want me because you know you can't have me and are on of those ones. It's not ok to play games with credibility with John Atchison. I'm not letting him have the credit with the way you want to come on to me and turn me on. I may have already turned you off with how bossy and resistant to you I still am, but I'm not sure what you are always going to be thinking and feeling on the inside. I hate to lie, but I wouldn't have been able to lie to you if I tried.

Life is Good

Although my car could break down at any moment or anything could happen at any moment, life is good. I have been broke a lot recently, but I'm not terribly poor. Life could always be better. But life has been going so well lately. I think a lot of it has been my new boyfriend, but I have a few other reasons to feel good. There have been more things in life that have been going my way. ............ It has seriously been years since I've had an official boyfriend. It has been so long since I've experienced a more normal relationship and I am so grateful that I have one. I'm sure if I had seriously had to have a boyfriend before, I could have forced myself into an official relationship. Larry is a qualified man. I can't see any big or real reason to deny him. I like him more and more every time I am with him and have become happily attached to him. He is like a big Teddy bear. I have some emotional hesitance. I've been in so many failed relationships that I have to keep myself somewhat braced for something bad to happen, but so far, nothing bad enough has happened. Although I do a lot of talking, I personally don't like to talk a lot about men I could take more seriously, but I can't help but gush over him and have some adoration and talk for him. I really like that he likes to get out and go places; he treats me so well. .....................It has just been so long since I've had an official and real boyfriend. I'm still getting used to it.......... The Holidays have been here and I have been super busy. It's been so long since I've talked about everyday life. I've gone two weeks without my dancing job. I still miss it. I will be starting as a server soon. I'm sure the break even point will be adding up better. Uber isn't so bad. It has its good things and bad things. Although some traffic can be crazy, I find Uber to not be so stressful. (I do deliveries; I don't taxi people.) I still miss the crafting too. I just need to get caught up and in a better routine of things. When I have priorities, I have priorities. I'm sad to say that I have had some financially rough months. I will be doing my Christmas shopping at the last minute because it will be all that I can afford. I hate doing it to the last minute and am mad about it, but it is better to do it at the last minute than to not do it at all. ....... Random thoughts and signing off~

I did not fall off of a cliff

A lot of things going on and I have been super-busy lately............ Falling off of a cliff or in the bottom of an ocean: Right now, I'm thinking along the lines of drama...I haven't talked a lot about my soaps and I just wanted to have my own mental relief with putting it out there that I am fine. Whether or not it is man drama or being made to talk about a person or subject of thought, I have not always enjoyed putting myself out there and feeling like I'm sharing too much information with the world. I am not one who always likes to disclose too much information or very personal information in a blog or online. When I am made to feel defenseless, stockholmed, and trapped a certain way, I bring my own sense of relief or fairness knowing I may not always make myself feel relieved because I prefer having more personal one on one conversations. I still wouldn't understand why some men in their right mind would want or encourage me to continue on with the same communication pattern I always have. It wouldn't be fair of them to blame me; and I've yet to see too much of a begrudgement. I think they like some of the thrill of my gossip; to use me; to simply just like being talked about...... I don't think they could have enjoyed every conversation I've had in my blogs. If some guys have already had some clue about me THE STOCKHOLMING WAY THAT THEY DO; they would have a clue that I've written a lot of blogs. It's not that I don't feel damaged on my end with some of the things that I see. ANYWAY my relationship talk will be fading soon. I have a little more respect for my American guys and seriously don't like the thought of making him or others in general uncomfortable; exploited, gossiped about; or under a gun. When I get thrown in the middle of a Bermuda with some Bollywoods: whatever forms of gossip and exposure come from me IS WHAT THEY GET. Those kind of relationships have always been so terrible. It was always more of a game than any normal kind of relationship. Things might not work with my American guy and I may have to say more or be thrown in the middle of a Burmuda Bollywood again, but I will most likely keep talking the same way I always have. When a man doesn't care enough to bridge his own communication gap or try to come up with a better one IT IS HIS FAULT AND PROBLEM. Once again, if they've already had a stockholming approach and idea about me: there are things they should have already known. While I've always been upset over some heartbreaks and let downs; I think Steve Carrel was the one who really made me break down and cry over the betrayed woman I've been for the longest time when he had to go and betray me like the rest of them. It wasn't that I was never upset and never even cried. I just can't stand how violently ignored I feel with some Bollywoods and the way they just don't seem to get me at all. Like I've never crossed some bridges; like I've never said some things; like I've never been violent or emotionally upset; LIKE I WAS NEVER A PERSON OR HAD ANY REAL HISTORY AT ALL..... I feel some guilt with the coach but I've gotten over him a lot in the past few days... I think he had too much nerve in keeping me played. He was already married, and I'm not the only woman who he was keeping played. So, I had my own mind game and led him on still at some times, but when I was already in too much pain and didn't feel right because of it, I knew I wanted to be out and get over him. When the game or pattern wasn't going to be over; it just wasn't. I need a better regard and sense of value than that. I can't stand like I'm feeling someone's used and abused underdog. There was too much of a mean inequality. Mike is just too much of a bully. I couldn't be undermined and subjected. I'm not sure how damaging I am on my end, or if he cares anymore, or is frustrated over a same rehash, but this is some kind of closure to offer...... In further thoughts with the guy I'm talking to: I don't know where it is going to go. I have liked some of the time we've spent together and am glad to have someone here that I can talk to with some of the most random things or not so random things. He has a nice and friendly company. I have some other thoughts I think but just won't think them out loud. Things are still looking up with him in a good bit of ways...until then, signing off. ...

Hearsay Hearsay Hearsay and Gossip

Pete, you need to get that I don't know you enough or know how to take you. I think you're making things worse with yourself right now with the way you are bullshitting with me too much from a distance. Did you really just say that "I wish I was that much of a slut with that much of a hole?" This is hearsay off of your hearsay. I've been to good for some people's gossip games and I've been too good for the Tom Foolery. Are you really looking at me with: "ha ha, I made you fall for me." I seriously wasn't making fun of you with the George Straight song, and I was quite attracted to the approach. Right now, your distant approach makes you look like an immature child. Maybe you could be wanting to flirt with and pick on me, but you're too distant to understand or know how to take. Quite frankly, I don't care about having some kind of slut contest with how much of a number I have and that is an egotistical turnoff. If it is the opposite, your being judgmental is a little bit of a turnoff and unfair. In another thought of hearsay: whatever reason you (or someone else's hearsay of you and misrepresenting you) still were going to keep me tested with other women or played. When you do that, you look as if your jealousy of me wants to provoke me to be jealous of another in an intentional way. You look like you could care more for whatever random woman, and I have too much self respect to be at your mercy. I really thought you were going to side with me and be more mature than your inadequately undermining childish competition of your trash talking gossip. It is almost like you could be a trash talking enemy who has his mindset to keep his trash talk protected regardless of whatever happens. Looks are very disappointing on this one Pete. You like me and want me or you don't. All of the childish games, gossip, and miscommunications are on you. Are you really out to gang rape me with my enemies? This is the question you get for your distance, dominance, and blindsides. All of this instance is going to keep me run off and you can only make some effort in the relationship to save yourself from me at this point because I'm too good for all of this bullshit and blind games. Yes, I am putting my pussy on a pedestal against whatever it is you're trying to say Pete. I am on the market and single that much more now.

Vonny

You're a bad mean man Giovanni. Good guy, bad guy. Don't I really wish for a comfort and consul with the psychological, emotional, and mental terror/ drama I've experienced through the years. Then, I hear, "that's right bitch, this is what you get. There is no break for you." I'm just not understanding the game you want to play with me Giovanni. I do assume you are mad at some of my personal opinions over some issues and this is why you could be in my life. You could just want to "cut the crap," and say you personally mean to be more lusty than emotional with me, but I still don't know how to make sense of your pick for me. I seriously think if you want to sit there and criticize me and want to make me feel more questionably insecure, you should seek your other options or just stick it out with your someone else. You didn't give me a firm enough rejection on the last round, but still. Whether or not you have other brief flings you keep me played with, you seem to expect me to be there for you. I don't have the strongest refusal for you yet, but when you seem to be too questionable and shady and something doesn't feel right enough, I kind of stepped back away from you more and still am. You want me and don't want me. While I don't have a strong refusal; I don't have a strong enough aggression for you either. I'll let myself stay somewhat curious to find out more about you, but I may not always have the time enough in my curiosity. Do you really have something to say to me Vonny, or I'm a random person to spend time with while you pass the time in your possibly bored life? What's really on your mind Giovanni?

So many thoughts

.... I had my own made up brunch and it was so good. The holidays and my birthday was something that I used as too much of an excuse to let myself go with eating, but it is time to get strict again and pushing harder to lose a significant amount of weight and significantly shape up my body more. Taking off some weight used to be so much easier when I was running on a different schedule, but I don't have the time to work out like I used to and I can't control my hunger either. I know that if I had a different life schedule, it would be easier to lose weight, but it is so much of an obstacle to try to lose weight with the kind of schedule that I have now. .... I'm anxious in going into the New Year. Being able to pay off some of my bills is my main key issue before finding another job. Taxes should help for sure, but I really don't know what will lie ahead. I finally got a new coat that I feel a little gangster in, but it isn't too gangster. I don't have to worry about keeping it washed as much. The last white coat just got so dirty looking. I am so happy that I can finally qualify for credit again. I qualified for a store card (which hasn't happened in years since the bankruptcy) and I instantly paid the card off right after I used it. I have learned my lesson so much with credit, that I just haven't cared to apply again because I feel better off spending money I know I already have. Getting a credit card is some trouble to get into. I have thought of getting a card for emergencies or especially emergencies on a trip if I run out of money for transportation or parking or something else where I have no other choice to spend money if I've run out. I've seen strategic ways people intentionally use a credit card for the cash back, but that is a constant thing to stay on top of. A person makes two payments for a little bit of interest to earn. I wonder how much a person could make off of it, if they successfully paid the entire monthly amount without having to worry about the interest and only gaining the cash back interest. I don't know if I'd be too tempted to spend too much and I just wouldn't match the strategy of it because I wouldn't be able to pay the entire amount back... I could still get a credit card for the sake of an emergency. I laugh a little because now I can get emergency clothes or an emergency present if I needed. I'll have to keep the card out of reach to not tempt myself. I did save an extra $20.00 after all for just getting one. .... Do I want to talk about my drama? I have mostly wanted to be quiet about it, but I just can't. Most men are still on impossible ground where it doesn't feel like much of a normal relationship with any of them. A few random break into my head from time to time, and since they are all impossible, they are obviously all impossible. I feel I've been waiting to give up on Jack in another way, and it isn't even that I would want to "break up" with him. I'm still glad that I was noticed by Jack and am appreciative of what he has already done. I know he has a certain level of caring about me. I don't always get him, but I know he cares for me in some ways. While he isn't as rude and/or mean as some other Don Drapers, the probabilities of feeling in a real or normal relationship still feel slim. He was a person to chase for a period of time while I didn't like the way I was being chased by some other men. He still breaks in my head but I feel like it seems like we won't get anywhere. .....While some other men want me but probably want to be improbable with me with them having the upperhand, they just don't seem interested enough. They still have their own way of being impossible and it is like I could drop them all, but there was never much of a choice on my end to begin with... There are a few different types that I just don't want to have to put up with anymore and not enough care about wanting to be more of an asset to me than a liability, and yes, there are some things they seriously have to do my way. I am and am not joshing about the asset/liability part. I don't mean to materialize men, but when I feel some men do nothing but bring me down, stand in my way, are poisonous, aren't seriously interested and into me and only want to be possessive and want to conform me to their fascism, they really are a liability that I know I don't need. .... There is one arbitrage man whose real identity I don't know but I know I keep seeing his arbitrage and it drives me crazy. There are some serious things he has done wrong at some time or another and he forces me to stay turned onto him anyway. His mystery persona really freaks me out because it is like he obviously watches me and knows me more, but just doesn't seem to get that I seriously don't know who he is. It drives me crazy. I know some particular arbitrage men, but it is like there is one main one who just doesn't make enough sense to me. ..... It has been a crazy week. I like club Blush and it was a little more stressful and challenging, but I am not able to go there on a regular basis either way. I got myself a pretty black dress that I'm excited for. I really liked dressing up like that. I can still wear it to either club. I definitely want to go back. I think Morgantown men are easier than the Pittsburgh ones, but I can't always know what to expect with some people. I made decent money on two nights and nothing on my birthday night. huh. I didn't tell people about my birthday because I don't want to be center of attention or bring attention to my age. I didn't know what was up with some people that night either. I ended up working on New Years eve at H20. I had my cake and ate it too with Mitzi. We still got to do some things yesterday and today. I was also paid to go into work and made decent money that night with free drinks. It worked out. I'm exhausted but this weekend worked out. Onward ho! (I'm longwinded and laughing a little over whoever wants to read this long winded blog. Not insulting myself too much).

Thoughts of the day

Jack, so I'm not always sure what you're thinking or if there are any truths when my mind gets toyed with, with people in the arbitrage......Some signs have always been questionable.... um anyway... What main frame of thought do I have right now? While I feel I have a lot of your interest; I still feel hit with some negativity. I was thinking about "The Rose with The Broken Neck," song. Do you really see yourself more as my enemy or an antagonist than being warm and as my protagonist? Do you really feel some kind of hopelessness and immediate regret in the possible thought of "giving into" me? I've always had a main impression with you being more on my side and as a protagonist, and it's always a given for people to have their own personal list of likes and dislikes for another.... Do you dislike me more than you like me? I have one idea with your antagonism (and I've seriously been sick with how much some men have obsessed over the breast issue and how far some have gone in wanting to harass me) but you seem to be more of a quieter gent about it and I seriously don't see you as bad as some womanizing harassers. After being made to face some harassment and love/relationship ultimatums; I will never get a boob job in this lifetime. With some guilty by association with Wayne, you make yourself questionable, but I know which way you mean for me to take something right now. (Wayne did have a time of being a sexually harassing murderer and was even marked as a murderer in someone's made up arbitrage for the sake of Bree Ann). He has also either realistically dated Stacy or they were an arbitrage item at one time. I have just always known not to trust Wayne. I think he has a thing for me from time to time, but I identify him more as a gangster enemy. Because of this example and other random people, there is always more of a story about you to wonder about. What are all of your connections and what are they supposed to mean? What past stories have you already lived through? I've yet to know how you found me out and why you would notice and pick me? In regards to the Dr., is it just that you have your own way of expressing your anger and jealousy, or do you have any real friendly connection with him? I just can't make some men understand enough how much of a deal breaker it is to go for me after being guilty by association or having already betrayed me with an enemy. What an insult it was for him to think I'd be willing or easy after being betrayed for Stacy, who he already picked first. And, as I've already said, you're still my first choice. I know I'm not understanding all of your anger and I'm wondering have you really already gone there with the issue of me being a stripper? Am I really underestimating how possessive of a man you are and that there are things about you that I've just not processed and comprehended? I have been looking for another part time job that pays decent enough but am just stuck in this job for now.... I've had you on my mind and am in wonder with all that you've been thinking and feeling....

Random Thoughts of the Day

Another day, another dollar. I'm growing a little more anxious in the job search and unsure of what I'm going to do. I've started some, but havn't gone ballistic with it yet. I'm anxious and actually excited over one part time job. It looks like the most convenient job I've seen yet: transcription writing. It is a stay at home job that has the most flexible availability and definitely guaranteed to make money. I want it now more than I did when I applied. It might be different once I get going. I don't know the pace of it or just how many transcripts will be available. It seems like it is vast where I wouldn't have to worry about it, but what if it is too staffed, or business is slow and there aren't many things to write? I'll find it out if I get to it. Speaking of that, there seems to be more and better stay at home job opportunities. Most seemed like a scam before, but once getting the feel of an idea, and especially when I'll be able to afford to move out, I love the idea of having some kind of stay at home job. Any stay at home job is starting to become a dream job. I've noticed some availability is more structured than others. Not all stay at home jobs are the most flexible and do have structured hours. It is still convenient though. ... I plan on working the night job no more than four months from now. I presently have a slow paced work search, and anxiety levels come and go. It will be a big deal when I eventually will be able to move and the job choice that goes along with it is greatly important and adds on to the reason to be so anxious....... This coming up week... I'm so excited for Mitzi and I. We're going to go to the Great Wolf Lodge and it looks so fun-packed. I won't have to feel like shit anymore after all of the trips I took, and although it puts a damper on my finances, it's still more worth it to get out and go on a trip with Mitzi. I'm hoping for a decent dream vacation with her in the summer, but it just depends on how everything works and how much closer I get with a move out............. While I've mostly been quiet about the election, I think I'll finally put my 2 cents in. I didn't vote. I am a libertarian, but I didn't vote for Gary. I think he wants to threaten me, and furthermore say: "I dare you to vote for me." Regardless of Gary I remain a libertarian and keep it only as a personal issue with him. I'm sure he's included in some of David's arbitrage and wants to be a dog for David. I didn't vote for either Trump or Hillary and feel sorry for the both of them. I feel sorry for Hillary because she didn't win, and I feel sorry for Trump for just how much of a negative criticism is out against him. It's not that I'm innocent of criticism against Trump. Maybe Trump faces another kind of capital punishment of a pig and this is Trump being thrown under the bus. Maybe he was forced into the election and forced to win to have to endure the pain of leadership and/or putting his money where his mouth is. I really think there are some good things about Trump, however, I still think he is a corrupt man and I really was surprised to find out he was a republican and not a democrat. The thing I wouldn't be surprised over and more of the worst to happen would be him picking his beauty contest winners for members of the government: the congress, the courts, the senators, or house of reps, I bet he'd throw the actual qualified people out and pick beauty contest winners. I seriously do think he has a prejudice with beauty queens vs. women who invest in some of that but more. Sure, the beauty queens could get an education, but his prejudices would be preferential for the beauty queens despite the qualifications of others. I wonder what he is going to do with his business. How is he going to manage all of that? He has a huge business. What about "The Apprentice?" Besides being corrupt, I think politics is so much of a different field than business and this is why I could see him as being thrown under a bus. He's always been attracted to power and wanted more power, and the power he wants could be his own poison. Maybe Trump will prove everyone wrong more than anyone could know. Maybe he will keep people shown up. Maybe he will be a shallow fail. Who knows. I don't want to be a constant critic, but will hold my tongue and wait.....................Now where to eat tonight. Chilis has a good fajita special going on but I could get a dinner/drink combination for a little cheaper. what to choose what to choose. .......

Pamela Pamela

Although I feel I could have "Pamela" written on me with some men for life with the way I have been set up to fail and made to be a provocateur in some instances, I guess I wouldn't entirely label myself that. I feel beat to death at sometimes more than others. It isn't that I feel beat to death by you. Your Tommy Lee doesn't entirely make sense to me. I also see Zack as a Tommy Lee in his own way. Travis Lee, what makes me your Pamela Anderson Lee? Is it your jealousy of me with other men? Is there seriously something in particular that I've done to you where I really do still have "dead meat" written all over me? Is it something in your lust for me? Am I your mom or the one who makes you feel crippled, or you feel provoked by either question either way? Your thoughts matter to me, and your choices in life and wanting to have to have me may have some kind of serious effect on me eventually. While it's nice to feel seriously wanted, your sex still isn't safe enough for me. What real effect are you going to have on me Travis? Stop cutting off the things I need to know. I'm not your slave. I'm a person who still has a will to care about my life and my emotions. Polarazing Polar Bear / Pamela / Polarizing Polar Bear/ Pamela. I know I'm not polarizing enough.

As the Sarah Turns

I'll start with Jack. I still feel led on by him and am glad. He could feel more "coupled" or "married" with another. It is either Candra or Kendra the playgirl. .... Not sure with some arbitrage gossip. Maybe he is jealous of my Selma oil and wants to just see me as Blake and not both... I saw "Savages" once and it was so violent to me that I blanked out in certain parts. I was pretty mad that they would make it look like I would even "mother" or "care" for Stacy. It was someone else's revenge in my blindside for me. Some mockery against "Wicked." It wasn't that it was weed that I was being violent for either. I already said there was some truth to the movie, but not the truth. I mean to be over most of it and hate to feel forced to dwell on it. .... I'm a little lost with you Jack, but not too lost. You're still pulling me in and keeping me around and I'm glad....... I'm not sure what to do about Zack. He has 2 forms of aggression right now, and I don't want to test just how serious he is in not taking "no," for an answer. I think it is both David and Zack who especially want to compete against my "Ferdie Ferdinand" David is being an impossible and intentional nigger and maybe Zack is a little warmer than David, but I still say no to both. ...... Jack, I'd care to wait for as long as I could. You already have some way of having me won. Have a good weekend

What's a Girl to do with Travis?

While I am wanting to keep your weeds pulled out of my garden; I want you to know I do have some sadness about it. I think you know I care for you some. ... I think I'm your Pamela Anderson, and you have your own playful roughness. (It isn't that you never offended me the other day with your intentions. I know Paris really wants a lot of satisfaction, but it came more from your end with your own cover up later with the dangerous driving) She doesn't seem to understand what it means to provoke a person or when to stop. But it could have been you paying someone to act her out... Travis, polygamy and open relationships seriously do not work and will not work with me. I think I could give myself the credit for being a silent and strong woman who is being unwilling, but Master Travis isn't giving up and doesn't want to get even rougher because it could hurt him more for the way he has to hurt me. lol I'm sorry, but you crack me up a little. How could I just deny my own emotions or lust like that? I just do Travis, I just do. I'd rather not go further, knowing 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, 1 year from now MY ANSWER WILL ALWAYS BE THE SAME. How could I call it all a waste of time? While I can't completely trash you yet; you most likely will be eventually trashed. You might resent yourself more than I will. I already have my own benefit of knowing I can't resent what I'm not responsible for. How can I resent you when I know I've told you "no.?" While you seem to be attracted to me in more than one way; I think I could really guess at one reason why you are attracted: I am your tool against Erin and Stacy. The movie, "Me Before You," is probably you being raped by one or the two of them. You understand what it means to be "crippled" by someone and understand what my confident outlook is against the rape of forced bondage games, forced restraint, forced correction, forced dominance that you seriously can't do nothing about or have control over. Maybe you had some sincere emotions for them at one time and may be fed up with their rape by now and want to use me as your weapon tool knowing you understand that I understand what rape is. I would be mad if you did choose to make me the main character against your cripple. I'd call it unfair and inadequate judgement... Mama slave Sarah. While you could be trying to play it safe in your own way, you should be careful how they could want to make you look with a terrorizing food chain. Stacy especially is prone to giving herself a dominate credit she doesn't have. I wouldn't slave mama around in certain circumstances and settings. They really would kill to kill with their vanity. Therefore, you should treat me more like a mom than a slave. I know you like having a playful imagination with me as your Pamela in ways I guess are over your possessiveness or jealousy of other men. I probably led you on a little more by me recognizing the way I could be your tool weapon mom, but I really mean to say "no" to you. I don't know the reasons why you want to take it further with me, but I don't think you should take it any further.

As the Sarah Turns: .......Jack

Jack,.... Sorry if I'm a little pestering with all my drama but I really have got to throw myself on you. Part of me feels like a heartless murderer, but David should have thought more during the numerous times he was being one. If we're going another Harry Potter route, Sharon Osbourne is another "Horcrux" of Davids. Aka senator, doll, spokesperson. As much as I hate some Don Draper communication, I have had my moments of letting myself laugh anyway. But, it's really not as funny anymore. There are certain ways I hate feeling sexually harassed and certain ways I hate feeling ignored. I had some rage in my head earlier with how much of a thoughtless Ike Turner I think he is. I could identify myself some as "Karen," but I feel like a Tina Turner more. It's almost like he feels he has the Karen concept mastered to make the next woman understand "been there done that." There were times of being on and off with him and I especially hate looking at his Hank. If his sex addiction were a food addiction, what diet would he ever put himself on? He couldn't go on a diet if he tried! He'd be one of those 500 lb. men who can't even walk around and has to sit in bed. If he were walking around, all you would hear would be : "woo a cupcake stand," "I see a Cheeseburger" "Pizza" "Bacon" ... I feel so ignored by David in many ways. If I seriously sat down and wrote a list with just how many wrongs he has already done, it would be very very long. He was already past the point of no return. I can't fathom why David would want to stay in a relationship with me after saying the things he has already said. WHAT MAN IN THEIR RIGHT MIND COULD EVER EXPECT ANYTHING FROM A WOMAN THAT THEY HAVE ALREADY SEVERELY LET DOWN? AFTER HE HAS ALREADY PUT OTHER WOMEN BEFORE HER? AFTER HE HAS ALREADY MORE THAN DEVALUED HER? HE IS SUCH A PIG TO EXPECT ANYTHING. But that's a thoughtless Don Draper for ya, to snap their chauvinistic fingers around like nothing is on them. While I feel I am already putting the knife a little more deep into David, I feel I could drive it in deeper with: "This is what it means to mean what you say when you dump someone. This is what it means to stop playing someone. This is what it means to cut someone off and make it the end of relationship that it is." It would be rather cold blooded to intentionally include him in this conversation I'm having with you. He's never known what it has meant to stop playing someone. ....... Enough about David. I had to let myself vent and scream a little. Jack, I honestly don't know if we would ever work out. While I can't make a full fledged Draper snob out of you, I'd still probably refer to you as one a little because of your real class of wealth. Your Draper story is different. Most Draper's are already programmed to be forced to wait or be aggressive for. You are more of a play it by ear than a program more than anything. It's a little more difficult in spending time with you. Some programs are the reasons some conversations are made. By programs, I mean tv shows and the most random scattered media that isn't always easy to make the most sense of. Some cats and senators are part of a program too. I usually don't trust all of the "sent it" "senate" people. I know I'm made to question who I'm talking with, but it has always seemed sketchy, shady, and more questionable. I don't know why people send people to do another person's talking. I've always had a problem with it and the way the structure works. I seriously can't have a problem that I know of with the actual lead singer of the Dead Weather. Another favorite songstress of mine is Kelly Rowland and and the song "Representin" I like some of her other songs too. Kelly and Luda have it right with "Representin". I'm sure a lot of celebrities have their own take in talking to people outside of their class, but is it really that much of a problem to have a personal conversation with someone. I've come across a lot of celebrities that are so dominate in conversation; I just don't understand if they realize how dominate, impossible, and sometimes way too snotty they are? What's your take in to talking to everyday people? While I can't completely hate your Draper, you do come across as a similar dominate communicator. "WE NEVER SAID WE WERE EQUAL. WE NEVER WISHED TO BE SAVED." lol ahahhaha! Oh Jack, are we both always going to be on each others other side of the world?

You're still my nigger

David,...... We're still not on good terms, but sometimes I stay in my own up to date leisure and keep you informed. I havn't liked the way things have been looking in my blindside for a long time and not knowing for sure where some attacks come from. I can't get over how much of a bully you are. You're your own paranoid, mean, mostly dumb, and evil hater of a man. I'm seriously not impressed with your Homer at all. Your ugly brings the ugly out of me. Intentional test or no test, what did you expect? I know you probably do feel insulted at just how much I insult your games. I think your intentional stockholms will always be this neverending motive of "whatever makes you feel you have me beat." Just find a more straight forward way to say the way you want to take me for what I'm worth and save yourself some time. You'll take me for what I'm worth either way. You're a bully with a sick motive. Half of the time, I really do take your mind fucks as begging, but sometimes it seems you turn into this violently egotistical and maniacal vain pig "begging isn't what it means at all, baby." I don't really know how to explain you or your possible violent and hateful sadism to myself. ........ I'm almost finished with Californication. I made it to Season 6. What a sad song ending at the end. I have further comment on that and your rampant sex addiction, but I'm going to wait until I finish all of Californication before I make my own commentary. ..... While you make me your mutant retard for Gillian one minute; you make her cry another minute when you're still sleeping with and fucking around with me. Today is another marriage proposal for Gillian...... I just started on Aquarius yesterday... Just in the knick of time before the first episode was taken off.... It won't make a difference whether or not I'm late on catching up on Aquarius. There are so many more numbers of ways you're way too late for me and my will to care. Once again, I share quite a few characters. Grace looks like she could be Gillian that you're keeping me lied against and date raped with. Grace was the one I was originally guessing as Angelina, but you're probably still fucking around with her too. That was an interesting way to make up my jealousy against Gillian. While you may be wanting me to be a dog chasing my own tail in keeping your Don dogged and her as your Betty, it is another mean act against me. I hate your lies, games, and bullshit. You probably do want me to go the route that you direct as Sam's ex wife. ~shaking my head at your games~ So who is Charles Manson supposed to be anymore? He doesn't look like Ashton Kutcher. You might as well use his character as Jack's scapegoat, or whichever one you want to be jealous over. I don't like the way I'm being looked at with Emma either. I know I originally confused Charles Manson and Jeffrey Dahmer but it was Charles Manson that I was using to rip on Maggie Bell at one time. She is another guilty rapist retard bitch that you could want to rape me for. I saw what you did to Stacy too with Manson's red-headed newcomer that he met at the dumpster. So, I'm supposed to be mistaken about Stacy? It doesn't take away the rape and Scottish dominance over my life she has already committed. You still had no right to threaten my life for her white trash rapist shit. I know I'm still your underdog in several ways and I might as well be talking to a brick wall when I keep you in my dog house, but you being in my dog house IS SOMETHING I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHETHER YOU ACT IT OR NOT AND DENY MY CREDIBLE TRUTH OR NOT. You're still my nigger.

As the Sarah Turns: huuuh and ouch

I am taking a hit right now. I really did already feel overfucked in the mind and needed a restful breather and especially after running a personal 5k. I feel in a position to have 2 masters and I am afraid. ouch. I'll talk about you guys before I get into the other ones. Maybe it is a little bisexual now and a little bit of a threesome. Maybe David is wanting to give me up, but I can't trust that yet. I still have to call him master for now. Travis, I'm really not happy with the way things have been going with David. I don't want another Jon, or Dane, or David to eventually include in the list. Some guys will always want what they can't have then rob the bitch. It wasn't that I was totally ignorant when looking at a Don Draper. When the Don Draper makes the choice to go for me; it is on them. Equality is not just a suggestion it is a YES YES YEEEAAHYESSS! I hate that I have to say that for myself and I hate that I have to call you both "master" anyway. Travis, right now you have a blank slate with me and I know I don't know much of you. I've already gossiped about and said things to David's face. I'm so heartbroken over his unfair stockholms and just how violently mean he gets. I feel like he is desperate to rob me more than anything. I can't make some men understand enough how lethal some of their words and actions can be. David is too mean and insensitive. I really don't know why he wants me or wants to keep me around after saying some of the things he says. He has been a little more quiet for some period of time, but I still call him master. It's almost impossible to stay out of trouble with David. David, I think you are sick and insane for the way you intentionally leave me to hang without answering any of my most imperative questions. I don't feel won or like I have David won. I'm mad because it seems we are back to back with the waiting game and while I'm waiting for his answers, I feel like he waits for me to compromise and I've been pretty upset about it. Whatever his "what you see is what you get" suck its are; I tell David to suck it right back. I won't suck that dick for the dick that it has been. Travis, if you are meant to be another matrix reoccurring "Mr. Smith" of Jon or David's and want me to settle for your bigamist, the answer is seriously "no" again. Travis, I am hurt by you and the way you're not controlling your lust or possible emotions anyway. You are adding onto my drama. You break my heart. I really want you to leave me alone if you're going to be another problem. I even know that no man can serve two masters including women and there is no wise choice to make in this scenario. ............ The brave Travis that made a very obvious person to person and out of the mind several passes at me today: He could be someone I could consider. I don't know how much his truth is of Travis Pastrana's, but this particular Travis made a friendly impression on me. He has a kind way of throwing himself on me. One major thing against him is that he looks like Ryan/ Herman. I could never see myself in a relationship with Ryan/Herman. He has been a friend at a time, but I just don't think I could ever have feelings for him like that. He looks a little like Dustin Bosley, and I would consider Dustin to be a Russian for his association with Erin. This specific Travis really doesn't have me a lot, but he could be someone to consider. Maybe I am being given another loud secret that Travis Pastrana has some responsibility in "rigging" things. My rig complaints have been seriously negative rig complaints. I don't know what Pastrana's specific riggings are. I hope things won't be awkward when I see the other Travis again. I have some appreciation of his kindness but I can only want to take things very slow with him........................... until then, this is my soap box "dog food" at this time.