I did not fall off of a cliff

A lot of things going on and I have been super-busy lately............ Falling off of a cliff or in the bottom of an ocean: Right now, I'm thinking along the lines of drama...I haven't talked a lot about my soaps and I just wanted to have my own mental relief with putting it out there that I am fine. Whether or not it is man drama or being made to talk about a person or subject of thought, I have not always enjoyed putting myself out there and feeling like I'm sharing too much information with the world. I am not one who always likes to disclose too much information or very personal information in a blog or online. When I am made to feel defenseless, stockholmed, and trapped a certain way, I bring my own sense of relief or fairness knowing I may not always make myself feel relieved because I prefer having more personal one on one conversations. I still wouldn't understand why some men in their right mind would want or encourage me to continue on with the same communication pattern I always have. It wouldn't be fair of them to blame me; and I've yet to see too much of a begrudgement. I think they like some of the thrill of my gossip; to use me; to simply just like being talked about...... I don't think they could have enjoyed every conversation I've had in my blogs. If some guys have already had some clue about me THE STOCKHOLMING WAY THAT THEY DO; they would have a clue that I've written a lot of blogs. It's not that I don't feel damaged on my end with some of the things that I see. ANYWAY my relationship talk will be fading soon. I have a little more respect for my American guys and seriously don't like the thought of making him or others in general uncomfortable; exploited, gossiped about; or under a gun. When I get thrown in the middle of a Bermuda with some Bollywoods: whatever forms of gossip and exposure come from me IS WHAT THEY GET. Those kind of relationships have always been so terrible. It was always more of a game than any normal kind of relationship. Things might not work with my American guy and I may have to say more or be thrown in the middle of a Burmuda Bollywood again, but I will most likely keep talking the same way I always have. When a man doesn't care enough to bridge his own communication gap or try to come up with a better one IT IS HIS FAULT AND PROBLEM. Once again, if they've already had a stockholming approach and idea about me: there are things they should have already known. While I've always been upset over some heartbreaks and let downs; I think Steve Carrel was the one who really made me break down and cry over the betrayed woman I've been for the longest time when he had to go and betray me like the rest of them. It wasn't that I was never upset and never even cried. I just can't stand how violently ignored I feel with some Bollywoods and the way they just don't seem to get me at all. Like I've never crossed some bridges; like I've never said some things; like I've never been violent or emotionally upset; LIKE I WAS NEVER A PERSON OR HAD ANY REAL HISTORY AT ALL..... I feel some guilt with the coach but I've gotten over him a lot in the past few days... I think he had too much nerve in keeping me played. He was already married, and I'm not the only woman who he was keeping played. So, I had my own mind game and led him on still at some times, but when I was already in too much pain and didn't feel right because of it, I knew I wanted to be out and get over him. When the game or pattern wasn't going to be over; it just wasn't. I need a better regard and sense of value than that. I can't stand like I'm feeling someone's used and abused underdog. There was too much of a mean inequality. Mike is just too much of a bully. I couldn't be undermined and subjected. I'm not sure how damaging I am on my end, or if he cares anymore, or is frustrated over a same rehash, but this is some kind of closure to offer...... In further thoughts with the guy I'm talking to: I don't know where it is going to go. I have liked some of the time we've spent together and am glad to have someone here that I can talk to with some of the most random things or not so random things. He has a nice and friendly company. I have some other thoughts I think but just won't think them out loud. Things are still looking up with him in a good bit of ways...until then, signing off. ...