Thoughts of the Day

It's actually been a long time since writing my last blog. I could say it's neither good nor bad. A large amount of blogs I write are due to some anxieties- and whether it is the meds or me having a better sense of calmness against urgent anxieties- it's been awhile since I've written a blog. Maybe it's just part of the death and dying process. I would like to live a longer life but whatever amount of time I have left on this earth. I used to be a little brag of a blogger but just could not let myself brag too much over blog writing. .... At the age of 37, I'm living in a very pressing year of my personal life. Whatever I choose to do over the next year of my life is vital and will effect the next decade more of my life. Whichever road I take, even if I make no choice to do a thing, will have more turns to take no matter what I do... Decisions, decisions... I still have a good number of things I'm mad at and feel I should never even have to be made to be mad over for that long. I think the factors that kill me the most is on top of some actions: the denial in some people and the way I feel such a loss of connection in what some realities are to me that other people won't realize, recognize, understand, or see eye to eye with. There may be actual truths, facts, or knowings with some people that I may never see, get, or realize on my own, but it doesn't change the way I feel a severely mistreated person at some times more than others. There are times that there is such a lack of shame when it's not denial. I think the denial is worse.... Life in the pandemic. I definitely struggle some. I can admit I was struggling a little financially before it hit, but the pandemic makes things so much harder. I was even wanting a stay at home job before the pandemic too. It's been mostly reluctant with a reel here or there. I may be getting at least a part time one soon. Most are finicky and not easy to thumb through. Some require specific degrees. Some you have to have 2 frickin monitors. Some are just finicky over the computer tech and I'm not the biggest techi. My laptop is 10 years old. I pretty much have to buy a new one if I want to pass a computer test for a basic close to minimum wage occupation. Some are finicky with phone lines. I could go on with a few more sentences, but on my end, getting a stay at home job is easier said than done. I envy the ones who have one and who have had no trouble at all in landing one. Although I have cut back on the hours and number of rideshare calls, I just can't stand to listen to another rider talking about their stay at home job. A lot aren't the most satisfied. They don't like to be home that much. I can't stand being home in just a couple days of quarantine, which is my next real struggle... Everyone gets paranoid over any cold and flu symptoms. I have been in quarantine 3 different occassions with Mitzi and they were never full quarantines because we did not have the Covid, thank God. However, unless a person does have Covid, most aren't entirely saved financially. I still have to take a lot of time off of work and lose hours but I still don't get covered in any of my jobs unless I actually get officially diagnosed. If I did get covered it is a freaking process with anything! Even if I had to file an unemployment claim which I did much earlier over babyitting issues and I had to wait a month just to get some kind of letter in return (I still never approved but I tried to do something). I don't think it takes as long anymore, but there is still a wait issue with a fraction of what I would make. By the time a person gets some kind of check, they would be back at work again if they were only off for being just sick. It's a good thing though for people who keep running and I give them kudos. Some might not get away with it if they wanted to stay off longer because specific questions are asked like that: "were you able to work if you could?" "why not". I wouldn't have too much of a lucky break if I was on unemployment and make more most of the time and am better off financially when I'm not in quarantine. When it was my occassion to be sick, I really thought I had strep, and although I assumed right that there would be consequences of going to see the Dr anyway, I was still too scared not to go to the Dr. Strep hurts and can get worse. I was mad though. It's almost like you can't go to the Dr's anymore if you feel you're a little worse than a common cold because it only takes 2 symptoms for a Covid suspicion and then you are damned to a couple of days in quarantine until the lab frees you again. It's not worth it for me to be in quarantine! It is nothing but a punch to my wallet. I have to go on several work binges from time to time and work binging is the only option and although I can be unfortunate, I am fortunate to have the ability to put loads of work hours on my plate when needed with the couple of different jobs I have. I am blessed in having that ability. Of course, not in quarantine. Until I can land an at-home job. ... My little rant about the pandemic and having things on my mind.