Christmas Day

This weekend was a weekend of cooking. That was my gift after my mom bought the ingredients for me to make the food. It was a success and a failure. My cranberry cream cheese muffins were a success. Everyone liked them. The potato soup was a failure. I ended up burning it not realizing that potato soup doesn't simmer or roast; it has to be stirred occassionally. Better luck next time. Besides the burnt taste, the rest of the recipe was pretty good. Today, I am making a white chocolate torte dessert and this broccoli rice and cheese casserole. Other than burning the first batch of white chocolate, the finished dessert turned out the way it was supposed to. I just simply had to make another batch. We havn't had dessert yet, but with the prior taste test, it is very rich. It has cream cheese, but not it isn't a cheesecake. I have yet to taste the brocolli casserole. Mom is cooking the rest of the dinner with turkey and potatoes, but the stuff I made uses a little more work than other side dishes. So many sweets. If I turn up with the pregnant diabetes on my next appt. I really wouldn't be surprised.
I really didn't get a whole lot this year and that is ok. Money is still tight, but I will cross the bridge in several months when I look for a job. I got what I asked for: a glider. It is like a rocking chair, but it glides. Despite, the technicalities, I still like Dolly's rock-a-bye rocking years song.



No, I don't have a man and I know I don't have to have D's to sing along with Dolly, but this is one country song that I have to put on my like list.

Thinking of all of that drama, I'll only say so much of my drama today. A full-fledged "As the Sarah Turns," can be written another day.
In the usual unfair way which is now a cat and mouse game; it is still on. The idea of being enemies doesn't matter. Well, it does in its own way. I still hate that it is capitalist like this, because I hate the idea of a large number of guys getting the credit. It is only 2 that I definitely know with the cat and mouse. My interpretation? A covered caveman setting where he is strutting around like the cave man and saying: "Yes, you bitch woman. You are the bitch." It is a psychotic mixture of sillyness with violence. I'm just thinking to myself. Ok, today, just for today, you win. You caveman, me bitch. I don't even know how seriously he takes himself as the caveman or how seriously he takes his cave. I really don't know if he is thinking ahead with anything. But, if I find out how seriously he takes his cave, I'll eventually make my own plans.

I don't have any plans today. I've already been bored for the longest time with sitting around in this house all day every day. I definitely have some plans for next month to learn to knit both an adult size and baby size sweater. I am also going to get started on a blanket which is going to take a whole lot of time. The pattern really does look like a big challenge. I have yet to learn socks, mittens, gloves, and fingerless gloves. I'm also thinking ahead towards the summer. I have some new ideas in mind and plan on lowering my prices with some things, but until I do find a job, I'm going to have to be thinking of some good ideas. I have a few new bag ideas and a few new hat ideas. There is also another book I want to buy that has really stylish shirts that I would want to wear for myself.
One other plan this week is getting my roomed cleaned and organized in the best way for more space. Big project. I also have a birthday in just a few days. Busy weeks for the next 2 weeks. I'm not complaining though, I'm sick of being bored.

Going to have to cautiously elaborate

This is more of a brain storm than anything. I can't see exactly where the interrogation is coming from or know exactly who everyone is that is involved. I wish I had more confirmations and explanations. I wish I had a lot more information than what I have to work with.
This is part of a brainstorm and part of key people. A bridge cannot be officially crossed without me knowing the specific information to give an official answer.......
Which lady do I want to start with?
I have seen some catty info going around the digital world. I am appreciative of Tyra in having a good stance up against however many a number of the Kate's and Katie's of the matrix.
I took a little bit of a further glance today and it is starting to clash.
I am not answering to my sister or any Kate whatsoever, this is between the interrogator and I. I am also going to have to empathize with Selma Hayek as well. Years ago around 2003 or so, she really did have a good way of brushing me off. The key word is years ago. I do appreciate the support of Selma and Tyra, but I will deny the representation to be officialized of where I am right now.
I don't care how rigged I am, I will never see my mind as being inferior to my sister's. I'm not really after an intelligence contest, this is about possessiveness as a whole. My sister is not the only person who is responsible of wanting to be possessive of me.
Erin Wyer has all the official titles and reality of life with anyone. I don't care how many or what actual contests she wins; I will never be a possession of hers. I will never be subjected to her. There is a possibility that this is life threatening for me to refuse to be her slave. After everything that has happened, I would believe it, and I think it is an awful shame.
If this is about any particular guy in my life, I don't know if this is between the interrogator and I, or whoever the guy is and myself? I don't know which guy we are talking about here. It could be the baby's father. It could be a John who is associated with Erin that I don't know. It could be Jon Stewart. There is a possibility that there could be more guys that I'm up against in this. Again, not all lyrics match me and snowflake philosophy will always be the top frame of my mind. In the game of the sim world, Lily Allen "It's not me, it's you," is the better representative than "Freida Kahlo." (reminder that not all lyrics match).
Yes, I had an emotional breakdown years ago. However to this day, I am not responsible for everything I have been buried under since then. I am not responsible for the greed, corruption, and slave laboring agendas that other people have put forth. There are so many things that I am not responsible for at all. I may have some information that is unconfirmed or that I don't know about; BUT I AM NOT INADEQUATE IN THE WAY THAT I AM BEING FRAMED OUT TO BE.
On dangerous ground now......... I know I'm not the only one to suffer from depression. I know I'm not the only one who has been made to suffer. Of so many psychological and emotional issues, I have a sick rage of the hypocrisy, one-sidedness, piggishness, denial, and judgemental mentality from others in it all. If I knew who was looking at me, I probably would want to gut out whoever the judge is. It is best to stick with Jared Leto and keep me blinded on this one because this is a rage that I hate to have and would love to get rid of.
I hate that it has to be like this. I hate the idea of bickering to the death and to have to constantly be back to back with whatever number of predators I have in my life. Yes, there already has been a lot of things that I have lost. To whatever person who wants to beat me into submission, I will not accept the Freida sim and I will not accept defeat. I would consider to whatever, "Prince," I have in my life, that it would be a loss and too severe of an unnecessary compromise on my end to give into whatever prince and be the "Frieda Kahlo."



Princes, I will give you some satisfaction, that through the years, I have felt the seduction with the demanding abuse. There is some sexiness, but yes, you really are being too demanding.
I have respect for Selma for understanding the strength in the "Frieda," role and also understand the sacrifice that people sometimes have to make in being loyal. Loyalty and faithfulness are very closely related. They are values to be valued. I am not married to anyone and while I do yearn for someone to have a shared loyalty and faithfulness with as a marriage should be, it is demanding too much from me too soon.
I have not forgotten the heartbreak of how I lost it. It does not define my entire being, my future, or who I am as a person. All it was, was a moment and dark time in my life. Not all lyrics match, but the intensity of the music really reminds me of the times I've been in the hospital. It is serious, it isn't a joke. Sometimes, people don't get the satisfaction that they want. I know I wasn't literally on my death bed at the time, but I know the pain and the effect that it had on my reputation and how people would see me after. Again, this moment does not define who I am.


Where I am today? I have several people that I rock and sing it with. There has been so many inspirational songs that I have acknowledged. Penelope is a good connection with the stranded island for now. I feel damned and not defeated. I am waiting for a lot of things and still going to wait for opportunities in the future.

Random Thoughts

What a day. What a day.
I did see the movie "New Years" today. I bet that movie was made in Wisconsin.


I really don't know what to believe anymore about a lot of people. It is something I have already said. I will say this though: I think it is nice that someone would make effort to either cheer me up or keep myself distracted and given some kind of sign that I am cared for or to forget the bad stuff. I'm still not sold on anything. It is nice that someone would throw some game out there or have some of my predators confused.
I really wouldn't mind if there were some kind of scene instead to have connections with other mothers who are in a similar circumstance as I am. I really wouldn't mind it being acknowledged that I'm not the only woman in the world who is single and going through an unplanned pregnancy. I know there are probably a number of folks that would look down on me. I don't care. Instead of some women being put in the frame in a negative way, why not be more accepting of it?
I do have times of loneliness and it varies to whether I enjoy being single or not. I really would have a preference of being in a relationship with someone while being pregnant or during times that I was ever pregnant. Sometimes, life happens and preferences don't. There will always be opposing groups no matter what happens in life. In this instance the group would be hard on coupling and relationships. It is like single boot camp. I operate independently either way and know personally for myself what I want.
I'm not being too hard on myself for going through my emotional phases. I know I am going to sometimes have a hard time sitting still and not being anxious. I deal with it; I know I'm human.
Seth and Ashton are the two most obvious that are in the spotlight. Stacy's spotlight isn't denied either. With the four of us being put together like this (2 and a half men including), I have to ask: what question is being begged? What is it I am missing? I deny that I'm on any good terms with Stacy. I don't know if Seth or Ashton is really being an asshole to say she is another woman I should be subjected to or be expected to beg because I am supposedly "inferior" to her. Again, this isn't about me being the boss of saying who to love, this really is about slave labor. I question the real motive of the "cheeriness," of the movie. Not sure about the Katherine Heigle character or who she is representing or what this is entirely about. I thought it was nice of Aasif to be there.
I did just have to laugh though when everybody asked: "Who is going to be at Times Square?" I thought it was funny anyway. Is this some more cheese to me with: Be there or be square? ahahhahahahahahaha that was funny.

I have other thoughts on my mind too but I'm just sticking with the subject of this movie and leave my other thoughts for another day.

Dear Seth

Where do I begin.
I have always been confused with the system. I still havn't caught on to exactly what the rivalry is with you and Steve, but it looks like you both have a share of Burlusconi. I used to think Steve on SNL this past week looked a little like Richard Roberts. Anyway. I do not understand the Burlusconi system. If I could guess, it would be a large orgy with women where you love them all for a certain and same reason. I question if you represent yourself too, or represent several men. I don't know how far the "orgy" thing would literally go or if it is figurative. People have said that I look Italian, but I do not consider myself part of the culture like that. Anyway, Seth I told you, I am so emotional right now. I can't handle being jealous with so many other problems I have. I can't handle being in the game. It is awkward to be in the game to begin with.
I feel a lot of vibes from you: affectionate, coldness, some undefined anger, some mystery, some lust, and confusion. I watch and observe the system sometimes and notice the physical characteristics including the facial features of people. It can be confusing, and shocking, and almost sci-fi sometimes. I am highly convinced that you can hear and see me personally. I don't know what all you see or how much of me you see or hear. I am a little embarassed. Other times, I don't care. I don't get your complete gist yet, but when you brought up Whitney Houston, I felt you were confirming you can hear me. We aren't on the same page and you still aren't answering my question of how I was relating her to me. Anyway, back to facial features of who you look like.........

Of course you don't look like a literal fox, but I have a hunch of the Disney symbolism with who you are making a connection with. It is depressing. There is a chemistry but it is depressing. I usually don't consider myself very judgemental; right now, I have no other choice. I'm also upset at another possible local connection you could have with someone and if you are sincerely making rips about my body. I know I'm no literal supermodel, but I think you're being unreasonable. I don't know if it is a rejection or what.
With the fox symbol, you seem interested but it also seems I don't have you that much and you may have an agenda that I don't know about and are keeping your loyalties to someone else. I don't even know how many girlfriends you have.
With still having some awared emotions, I don't want it to look like I'm begging while talking to you. I'm not begging. I have some partial apology but not. I don't remember everything that happened in the past with SNL. So much media: shows, movies, magazines, the web. It really is asking too much of me, especially while I have no real job, to expect me to know everything and pay attention to everything. While you are part of a group that isn't new, you as a person are new. There could have been a lot of connections and wiring that you have made that I wasn't paying attention to. Maybe you never tried to make a connection before. I don't know everything I missed out on with you.
I do have a surface level humor with some things on the show, but I don't know how much you and the other writers are going beyond the surface: who is playing the roles. the complete gist of either a person or an entire scene. Sometimes it seems like it is a random conversation out of the blue and beyond the surface, I don't know what the writer is trying to say. I'm not alien to all scenes, but there are some scenes that I really don't know how to take.

Dear Seth

Seth, I really do consider you a stranger more than anything. There is obviously more chemistry than a typical stranger. I've been more hypersensitive lately about trickery and the whole fool concept.
Anyway, it is usual for me to get confused. The Buckeyes. I laughed so hard when I found out that was a real team name. I think I had gotten a Helen Keller savings bond that same day. I get the concept for the most part. But with so many names and concepts and OSU and its nemesis OU (whenever I was in OK anyway), I get confused with what role I'm really playing with you. I do proudly wear my Sooners shirt sometimes "If you want to win..." and on the back "then don't play the Sooners." and a different trail of thought other than with what role I'm playing with you; what does "winning" really mean to you?
If I play the literal role of a football player that you coach, do you or how much do you take me seriously as being masculine? You are coaching me to be nonstop in continuously buckeye-ing you? Or buckeye-ing whatever opposition comes my way? I consider myself spontaneous with the whole buckeyeing thing. Sometimes, I refuse to even move my eyes to answer to someone. Other times, I buckeye anyway at my leisure.
Maybe I am a major nemesis and you have your own team of men that want to buckeye me. ?
I was watching RT earlier and am being your Dora in wondering if you are connected to Burlusconi and you connect your dots and do your math where you see me being angry and the stripper to protest against those opposed of women's rights? You somehow connect me to a French maid stripper telling you how bad of a man you are instead of a dominatrix stripper with a whip telling you how bad of a man you are... ??? You're saying you're the boss? .................

Seth, I don't get your game yet.... or what your agenda is... or what you may want to be saying.
Just don't be too rough or make me mad. I'm sensitive right now and it isn't fair.

Perplexed

ONE OF THE KEYS ON MY COMPUTER STILL ISN'T WORKING. OH WELL.
THOUGHTS FOR TODAY? NOT A WHOLE LOT REALLY. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I'M GOING TO BE DOING WITH MY BUDGET AND BOREDOM IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF MONTHS BECAUSE WINTER KNITTING SEASON IS PRETTY MUCH DONE. I CAN ALWAYS LEARN NEW THINGS, BUT THEN THERE IS THE BUDGET.
MISSING OUT ON BLACK FRIDAY TODAY ISN'T TOO KILLER.
THOUGHTS OF YESTERDAY. A LOT OF DIFFERENT EMOTIONS THROUGHOUT THE DAY. I LET MYSELF HAVE A SMALL SPLURGE FOR MY OWN SAKE. SOME THOUGHTS TO MYSELF AND SOME TO VENT AT ANOTHER TIME. THIS IS THE THIRD YEAR IN A ROW THAT I HAVE SPENT THANKSGIVING ALONE TO MYSELF. BESIDES MY PERSONAL STRICT BUDGETING IT REALLY ISN'T THAT BAD. I TOOK MYSELF TO SEVERAL PLACES DURING THE DAY. OMG I AM SO EXCITED THAT A NEW MISSION IMPOSSIBLE IS BEING MADE. WITH DIFFERENT THINGS THAT GO ON IN THE MEDIA WITH TOM CRUZE, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE IS STILL TOO MUCH OF THE SHIT FOR ME TO LOSE MY FANHOOD OVER HIM.
I SOMETIMES LIKE FOOTBALL. IT WAS A LITTLE ENTERTAINING. BEFORE THAT, I SAW TWILIGHT. IT REALLY IS FRUSTRATING IN CHOOSING ANYTHING ANYMORE WHICH INCLUDES MOVIE CHOICE IN THIS INSTANCE. IT VARIES IN COMPLEXITIES AND SIMPLICITIES OF WHATEVER CHOICES. STILL, I HATE HOW MUCH SOME STALKERS BREATHE SO HEAVILY OVER ME AND MAKE THEIR OWN ASSUMPTIONS AND GLARES. IT IS LIKE A CAREER CHOICE OR LIFE OR DEATH DECISION OVER IT. I HAD SEEN THE PREVIOUS TWILIGHT MOVIES. I'VE SEEN THE PREVIOUS HARRY POTTER MOVIES AND I THINK TO SOME EXTENT THAT AND TWILIGHT CAN BE COMPARABLE IN THEIR OWN WAYS. I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD MOVIE. I HAD MY OWN PERSONAL LAUGHS TO MYSELF WHILE WATCHING THE MOVIE. IN LATER OBSERVATIONS ....
I WAS AT A LOSS OF WORDS WITH SOME FLYING INFO THAT I OBSERVED LATER. I STILL FEEL IN A STATE WHERE I'M FRESHLY PERPLEXED, SURPRISED, AND SHY. I'M PARANOID TOO. I'M NOT JUST PARANOID WITH WHAT I DON'T KNOW BUT PARANOID ABOUT MYSELF AND TENDENCIES TO BE A FUCKUP IF I SAY SOME THOUGHTS ASSUMPTIONS OR GUESSES OUT LOUD. LIFE HAS BEEN HELL AND TOUGH AND I WANT TO BE VULNERABLE AND IT WOULD BE FAIR TO LET MYSELF BUT THERE IS THE "BUT" THAT HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE ENDLESS.
I MAKE OTHER OBSERVATIONS WITH A FEW OTHER PEOPLE AND I GET A LITTLE CONFUSED AND PERPLEXED WITH WHAT IS COMPLETELY GOING ON IN THE WORLD AROUND ME. SOMETIMES MAKING EFFORT TO KEEP MYSELF INFORMED DEPENDS ON MY OWN LEISURE, SPONTANAITY, PREDICTIONS AND INTUITIONS ABOUT PEOPLE. SOMETIMES I JUST WOULD RATHER NOT KNOW. IT VARIES.
ONE RANDOM PIECE OF GOOD NEWS IS THAT WE HAVE A FREE MOVIE CHANNEL ON MY TV FOR THE WEEKEND. I'M ALREADY A LITTLE BUSY WITH SOME MADE-TO-ORDERS BUT I HAVE ANOTHER OPTION TO BEAT THE BOREDOM. I DO LIKE TV AND MOVIES SOMETIMES, BUT OTHER TIMES IT IS IN THE PILE OF CABIN FEVER AND I WANT TO GET OUT. KEEPING MYSELF BUSY AND CALM THE REST OF THE EVENING.

Whether it be Pimps or Catholic School Teachers

Dear Anderson,

I will have to go back and watch your show last night, but I will start with what I heard because it is already going to be enough of a long detailed discussion. Good before Bad: If you are on my side or not, it was nice of you to act like you are on my side in the timing of things even if I'm not on someone else's clock. While I do not see you as being accurately understanding, it is nice to see that you are trying to do the right thing. I know that not everyone is always going to be reliable or on my side, but it was nice and of some relief to see that you were making effort to side.
(In a side trail, I don't really know a lot about the Paterno case, I don't think I am on the same page. I'm not standing in the way if you know the complete and accurate story of what is going on in their life, but I don't take the newsreporter job too seriously or literally.)

What my present focus is the names that I mentioned yesterday. I know it is really frustrating on both of our ends for clearness and clarity. I feel blind, while with you personally, I have doubts at whose side you are on, how knowledgeable and aware you are, and if we are on the same page. It doesn't seem like we are on the same page......
Personally, I hate the challenges I have that are being handed to me. I think it is simple minded, stupid, insulting, and a block and hold back to the kind of experience I want, the challenges I want, and the goals I want to achieve. In going back to square one and the subject of feeling rape, the example of my expression is how I feel raped to be forced to win the approval or satisfaction of others.
Denny, Erin, Maggie, and Jon are not the only people who have treated me like a territory to own and demand me to answer to them. I have run into several other people who have threatened my survival and threatened me with their personally defined slavery and to be forced and subjected to whatever they think. They have been consistently aggressive throughout the whole time in their own reasoning to say they deserve to be possessive or have some entitlement over me.
Of course I am bothered by juvenile comments and some sexual harassment. Of course I have my own offenses. If someone were to seriously and extremely force me into their pigeon-holing whether it be pimps or catholic school teachers, I would choose to be a stripper. That is if it is do or die in my own personal perspective.
There are some things that I already know Erin, Denny, Jon, and Maggie have said in trying to ruin me. There is obviously going to be some gossip and words said that I won't know about. I know it is not my fault that I somehow keep getting damned to them. I don't want them in my life at all. This blog is not meant to be their opportunity to have any kind of debate or say in my life. They never have won with me; they will never have my respect.
While there are a list of enemies who want to ruin me or trash talk my name, these are the primary ones that I would consider the most codependent and most competitive in their own personal Chicago musical black sheep fueds. Maggie especially will always want us to be comparable in every which way. My sister can be the same in her codependency as well. I feel that while other people are responsible for rigging me in the workplace, that their gossip is probably the ones that get to win the rig. While I'm the one who is losing my job and survival; I will always see them as losers even if they get away with rigging me with their trash talk and forced violence time after time.
If I could draw a picture at what some of their main gossip is to use against me "ever daring to have a job." (seriously, how dare I?) it would be:
They think I'm psycho, psychotically suicidal, stupid, my behavior doen't qualify under what they would define as being acceptable, bankrupt, too poor for minimum wage, too violent, yada yada yada. They would entitle themselves or manipulate other people in saying I should have no rights to my motherhood. (The movie Hugo is the example of them going psycho on me).
(Of course this is not how I see myself but how I know they see me and try to ruin me with their methods of manipulation): (and no I don't have a seaweed).

They do scapegoat me. They do not have regard that I do not respect them nor have any tolerance for their provokings, possessiveness, and scapegoating. How dare I not let them in my social life and stamp across my forehead "No Trespassing." How dare I call them rapists after they are clearly trying to be controlling and possessive of me that is severely against my will? How dare I seldom let them get a rise out of me?

Anderson, I just may end up being a stripper. I'm not considering either the pimp predator or the catholic school teacher predator the one who wins in me being a stripper. I understand survival is survival and I already know for myself what my real drives are. And because I'm already most likely taking fun out of being a stripper in some time of future, I just may be damned as well for taking the fun out of it. Then, I just may be forced into being someone's mail order bride or homelessness. I have some instinctive level of trust in how much you would really take me seriously.

?????????????????

There is some light heartedness but mostly perplexed frustration with me today................

I really did say my life is like Lord of the Flies. While the world still feels psychotic, the atmosphere of so many psychos is changing into a new form. It is not as quiet or psychotically and sickly neglectful, it is psychotically and sickly a little more directive. Even outside of the U.S. If I were to die, I would still say that I am priceless and nobody is worth my death..............

I'll start with the Parade magazine with the straight forward full name of "Sarah Letts Smith." It is almost as if it sounds like the military is one big group on the list of psychos that really want to have a violent go with me. It isn't presented in a humorous way either although the level of seriousness can be questioned. They would obviously already know about my pregnancy and they already show they don't give a crap that I'm pregnant to have a fight with me. I can only guess at military issues with what I've seen.......
Permissable discrimination: I'm sure I'm not the only person who is affected by it, but in my personal instance, my body is supposedly not perfect enough even to have a minimum wage job.
Permissable subjectivity: I think it got more defined over time in dealing with corporations and the special interests of corporations. It is their side to say that special interests of the wealthy should be over common law both locally and nationally including ammendments.
Amongst the abuse itself of permitting the wealthy to subject people and make those people their slaves are the specific ways and abuses that they get subjected over. Abuse is already broken down into subcategories. The specifics of each category is further broadened throughout each trail. Summed up, it is extreme violations against human rights and humanity varying to levels and degrees of violation.

I have stood up against both of these issues on several occassions.

So, how am I the badguy? let me guess
-When I give eye for an eye with death threats (I have never made any official blue prints of a large plan to make revenge on one person or a large group of any sort) I've had gossip and found ways to break out of some stockholms for my own free speech. Some people obviously havn't given up on thinking I think like a typical victim would.
~How dare I~
-When I talk to other countries or various people online. (Sometimes I'm not even the initiator but fearless in my personal limits to go to the limits of my own adventure/exploration/curiosity.)
~How dare I~
-When I speak any sort of truth
~How dare I~
-When my actions and words are either negligent or warring against the breadwinners of the nation.
~How dare I~

As for the rest of the guesses with the military, I really don't know what their real issues with me are if they deny what my guesses are. (I already know for myself the real truth of some things).

Jon is getting louder in my world. I get confused in the matrix still. Sometimes, I'm confused as to who I'm really talking to and who the credit is given to if I am denied of saying who I think I'm talking to or where I would want my words to go. While there are a lot of things fuzzy and not clear on my radar, I get a little more in shock about the mystery of some serious experiments in the mind and brain. It is a wierd belief in some sort of thing that seems more fiction than nonfiction. I do not agree with some things that are being said but the confirmation of specific people and some specific conversation is shocking and it is hard to try to comprehend or know exactly for sure what to believe about some people. So much going on at once which makes it impossible for me to do much about anything. I will say how angry I literally am with putting words in my mouth about abortion. For now I'm quiet about other things. I'm curious over numbers of issues and people. I'm not a victim. I don't have much else to say with Jon right now. .....

This seriously offends me:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/06/magazine/martin-scorseses-magical-hugo.html?_r=1&smid=tw-nytimes&seid=auto

I know Sacha is a comedian but I fucking don't give a fuck. Making up psycho fantasies or threats like that is something that even shouldn't be fucking fucked with. Fucking psycho. I guess at some time or another I got on his bad side. Just because I laughed in his last movie doesn't mean I was being serious. I DO HAVE SOME OF MY OWN INSIDE JOKES THAT HE FUCKING ALREADY KNOWS FOR HIMSELF AND FUCKING TWISTS IT IN HIS FUCKING CORRUPT WAY. FUCKING FUCKTARD.
(If my baby was a boy, one of the name options was Hugo).
This article was written by John which is another name confusion. The last paragraph goes to him as well that is before this paragrapth that I wrote. Is the baby's father really hitting on Kate Middleton or my sister? It is difficult to translate. He can get desperate and throw a fit all he wants, he is only wasting his time. It bothers me that more men aren't standing in some other men's ways of relentlessness and desperation of me to be in submission to whatever woman of his choice is. I think it is one sick thing that people purposefully neglect after I have said no time after time. What is it anyone is trying to prove? Why won't they give up at my constant refusals? Why is this sadism and serious violence being ignored? Why do people taunt and obsess over domination games that never have and never will mean anything? Why do people not see the childish behavior in it all for what it is?
AHEM NEW YORK AHEM
AHEM
AHEM

Seriously, if some people are that savagely desperate for taboo entertainment against humanity, screw PETA and choose cockfighting instead. No, I'm not afraid of more animal harassment of so many sorts and agendas either when I say obviously and boldly that: "human beings should be put before animals." Of course the harassment wouldn't deserve my time if I were forced to be subjected to it.

~In other thoughts~
I am going to give myself a small brag today that I received a large handout/donation in my crafts and business. It isn't authentic as my handmade crafts but still, it is going to be a good money maker. I'm so happy and excited.
~Shaking a pillow~
(I'm not being literally serious with the song. When I sell pillows, it isn't insinuating that I'm being any sort of hooker or serious sexual insinuation. I'm literally selling pillows).

To Do

I could really make a lifetime out of a to do list. This is probably one of the more boring blogs because it is about my personal little world. I was thinking of some past goals and still have them in mind depending on how time and money goes. Speaking of, I am so happy and relieved that I finally have a job. While this job may cause some new stress in my life, I won't have to worry about a lot of the old stress and depression. I will do everything in my strength to keep this job as long as I can. Keeping some other thoughts to myself about finally having a steady income...
With just today, I have accomplished quite a bit of my to do list, but it isn't completely done yet. I need to work on some more crafts. I did get a good hike in today. It was so humid out and hotter than I expected. I am still aching. I think that was one of the toughest workouts I've had to do in awhile even though it was just a long distance walk. I experimented with a new meal today. I'm happy that it turned out well. I think if I had more ingredients and it was all in equal proportion, it would have been better, but it still turned out pretty good. Too much pasta. I'll have enough leftovers to last.
I'm mad that I can't go to the flea market tmw. I need as much spare money as I can get. I have one of the bigger festivals coming up in just 2 weeks and I want to make as many thinks as I can, but am more limited with money for supplies. Because I have a job, I will probably look into going to another festival in November. Hopefully I will be able to find one where someone will be lenient with the deadline. Usually, you have to plan months in advance. Matter of money.
My parents are on vacation for this entire week. It is a little nice to have the house to myself. Well, my sister is here too.
While the relationship has continued to be dysfunctional and abusive, I can't help but tear up sometimes. I continue to grow more cold-hearted because they leave me no choice with the way they abuse and make effort to control me. They both said, "I love you," in such a sincere way before walking out the door for their vacation. I think as they are aging, they are also dealing with more health problems and I can't help but have some pity for them. While they correlate with being one of my Gadaffi's, they are still my parents that I have a little bit of a heart for.
It looks like there is still a big road ahead of me. Or maybe instead of a big undiscovered road, the environment will be a blinded Gadaffi camp. Some people want to kill me or just harass me to death. Some people want to make such a persuasive suicide speech for me to fulfill. I have to watch for the lifeboats and if there would ever be a such thing as a new safer environment. I wonder if my life will always be rigged due to the special interests of the wealthy class.
While some people are so anxious and on edge of my love interests, right now my mood swing is not sweating it. I don't mind being single. A depression may hit me on occassion, but right now, finding someone is on the backburner. I have my own priorities that some people want to control and manipulate for the sake of their own comfort.
I think that is all that is on my mind for now. Back to crafting.........

Big Tymers, it has been real and it has been real fun. I'll probably still listen to this on occassion because I like the sound and the tune itself:



I think this is actually a wierd video and a funny connection, but yay for working.
We can't forget working now can we? Unfortunately, sometimes it isn't in anyone's control. But glad I can find work for now. Forget the ho's: the man-ho's. Again, not all lyrics match, it is the gist of being content to have a job.

Only So Much I Can Do Being Poor

I did get out a little today when I took a hike and sunbathed. I saw a few usual harassing and stalking foodstamps and spit at them. (I really did). ACC teachers, Denny, and a random couple. I think one day, people will see more truth of what I really think and feel, but I'm usually buried under so many rumors and suffocated by arrogance, no one takes the time to think what I could be thinking. I never wanted my mind to be read all of the time, but if people want to make an issue or complaint with concepts of communes and/or isolation, its something to think about.

There are some random people in the system that I wish I knew more and was in my reach a little better. I wish communication was better, personally between us, clearly understood, a sense of equalness or civility. I want to know some definite names. For the people who like to continuously roll with entertainment, that is the main thing I need a break from. Entertainment does have its own benefits, but I'm tired of relationships that are entertainment. I never made that choice. I don't know why some people still want to take advantage of me in that way. I don't understand how some people could be so heartless to use me like that and leave me poor with unemployment. Some old questions still havn't been answered yet. While entertainment and relationships can be used together; my main complaint is being used in entertainment. Other people may be victims of entertainment along with me, but I'm tired of how it somehow goes with me.
For some clarity, my old neighbor in W.V. Ryan B, no. He was only a neighbor and a friend. I do not want to be in any kind of romantic or beyond friends relationship with him. I'm just not into him like that.

I have a feeling that my life is going back to the usual system and socialism I have been hating and complaining about for the longest time. I think I have another carrot this time ~for motivational purposes~ I'm not necessarily trying to insult him, I'm just fed up with the system and the routine of it all. I have made that complaint even years ago. MIA is still one of my favorite singers to this day. And yes, I have noticed some acknowledgement, but nobody is changing or fixing a damn thing about it in the worst way. Actions speak louder than words. The only actions were to actually acknowledge and announce my scream and make entertainment out of it. There is no tangible change.

As for the recent Dane drama. I'm not asking to be mothered or nurtured by anyone. If anyone dared come close or test me (depending on who it is and predictable motivations of people), I'd punch them in the face or starve them from any satisfaction.
He has stopped making arrogant comments and hasn't really done much to provoke me. In different media, there is a little siding with me to view him as Gadaffi. (When people are for or against me, I still say people are entitled to have their own opinions and thoughts). I don't mind people agreeing with me sometimes. There have been no more names given of the group of predators who are sexually abusing me. I label it as a Russian abuse in that it is a cold war where nobody can be charged or even fairly charged or fought with because there is no fairness or evidence. I'm not even trying to provoke to be tested over it more. I'd still say the abusers deserve to get shot. Someone did mention police brutality, but I don't honestly know if the local police would really do that. How is the justice of it all really taken care of? How could some people know, yet do nothing?
I have been seeing more hints of people, and more hints of crime. It seems with the things that I can't see and where I feel left in the dark, that greed is winning. I just don't know the details. I think there are only bad intentions. It is hard to approach because I am in the dark with a lot of things and feel I am being distracted from the truth with such a chaotic life. Sometimes, there is bribery. Other times, the evil intentions, lies, hate, and chaos of other people happen. While it makes no sense to me, it bothers me that there are a number of people who may be aware of some things, and I hate how my vulnerability of it all gets abused.

I have been thinking about Amish Jim lately. He wants me to. I think he has some sort of agenda going on. My guess is that he has issues that I'm not as dependent as he would want me to be. He has made so many insults and actions of rejection and hate, I don't understand why he would still even act interested or want something from me. Today, the media did have his family talked about. I just don't understand what his persistence is, why he would still want to harass me. Most men usually do end up thinking I'm gay because I'm not dependent or aggressive enough. I simply know when I'm not wanted or where I have been violently rejected and don't understand why I should even question an attraction. It doesn't make much sense to me. Sometimes, I can be a little more persistent with guys who havn't been so violently rejecting or insulting, but I go through periods of giving up and wondering.
I WILL NEVER BEG.
PERIOD.
Maybe he has issues with my pride even though I'm bankrupt. Maybe he thinks the usual systematic thing to do is beg or be aggressively desperate. I just don't. I'm currently denied, but I have had literal foodstamps and unemployment before. I just don't beg. I feel with how life is, it is choking me and violently demanding to beg. Sometimes, I don't even know who wants me to beg to them. I can just tell someone wants me to beg to them. After some things he has already said, and if he was getting jealous or competitive with other men, how could he think he is any different with harassment? If he has this superman or philanthropic mentality, how could he argue? I really did have the hots for him at the time of the fling. He's just been such an asshole; I don't understand what the purpose of his persistance is? More than half the time I don't look if I see a sign somewhere. Other times, I do get curious. He's too distant, so much of an asshole, and there is just too much missing where nothing makes sense. I think he is just another person who wants to B.S. me and mess with my mind.

Can't help but get a predator grip

I wish I knew enough to get a better grip and find ways to do more damage.
I'm angry and I'm so fed up with this shithole life.

So what makes me any different than my other predators who all end up with the Gadaffi label?
I wasn't initially a Gadaffi.
I took so many other choices of action compared to the other Gadaffis.
Gadaffi just won't change, go away, or take no for an answer.
I may have different tactics and moves, but right now, it seems the only thing people have been operating with is violence. Nobody is going anywhere with me, and I can admit that I'm not getting anywhere with anyone either.
I don't think most Gadaffis will ever come to terms with their realities. Instead, they would rather unintelligently rant and ramble and be aggressive to save their own dumb fat asses.

I fucking hate life.

I think right now, all Wisconsin connections are being Gadaffis with "maturity," and it doesn't even matter what I say. "They're the rubber and I'm the glue." I can't wait until a real smart person steps in. I can't wait. I feel so insulted by what I'm forced to lose by.
I have ideas of people who talk. I don't know for sure. It is like losing to a tabloid. People don't even ask. They don't even take the time to get to know me. They don't even test a person with any sort of intelligence. This is such chaos.

Speaking of Wisconsin, I am going to go with some hunches. Amongst so many talkers, I think one of the main ones could be Brandon B. my old neighbor in W.V. In my side of the story to describe his reputation with my own personal experience, he really is a talker. He is a major provoker. I'm really not surprised he is in the military because of all areas to have skills or talent, he is definitely the violent fighting type. I bet he has the most professional skills in making a person's blood boil with provoking techniques. He lives to be under people's skin and piss them off.
Maybe there are other people who use him to test me to see what I would do and test how violent I would react to his violence. not sure. But when it comes to talk, he is another tabloid with the purpose of provoking and pissing people off.

In a side trail with how assumptions are made: Just because a person is capable of pissing another person off, does not mean it is love or even lust. Just because there are reaction potentials doesn't mean anything. It is possible that a variety of people are capable of knowing what makes other people tick and using it as their own corruption or tactics.

I'm sick of Dane and people like him giving themselves so much credit just because they get hateful and aggressive. It is only a tactic of action. I'm fed up with how arrogant people get and how high of a pedastool they put themselves on just because they make aggressive actions. I'm not impresssed, inspired, or even challenged. Violently challenged, but not intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc. challenged. I hate how high of a pedastool some people put themselves on with violence or even sexual violence or sexuality.
Motivated to keep myself from having to put up with it.

People could say I talk too and it is fair to say. But if people really want to take any kind of talk seriously, I am so disgusted at how much it is unprofessionally dealt with. I am so disgusted at how I am treated and that I feel that people don't know me at all. Even if a person did want to be serious and have a discussion in a completely fair way, it is still MY CHOICE whether or not I want to give any info about myself.
I don't see professionalism, I see tabloids and chaos. I also see emotionally reckless and aggressive people who really have no clue what they are doing. They are not in a calm state of being where a job is seriously trying to get done. They are in an emotional state of being where most really can't handle it.

When I exploded, it was years ago. I am so sick of people desperately coming up with the dumbest excuses to make me the scapegoat, victim, underdog, person who is "responsible or to blame."
Sometimes, I can complain about some people being obsessive, micro managing, anal retentive about some things. It is not necessarily meant to be deragatory when I sometimes make complaints. It is meant to say I think some people are a little obsessively psychotic and overboard. I have had moments of sexually offensive talk; sometimes I can't help but take myself to the offensive level of other people. I'm not always strong enough to ignore. But, I wouldn't describe myself as purposefully being sexually offensive on a regular basis. I'm still offended at sexual correlations, assumptions, how some people feel entitled to call the shots in my life and tell me who I'm dating or married to. Even more ridiculous bullshit of specific people or things said. I'm tired of people writing stories of how I feel. gungho for anorexia.

I can own up to my own emotional rants where it is my own personal life and venting where I am outside of a professional environment. IT IS MUCH DIFFERENT.

But, I'm just sick of some people holding grudges the way they do. The list goes on and on with unfairness and double standards. I could talk about it all day. When I hold grudges, I at least make every effort depending on the setting I'm in, in keeping it that way. I don't think it is fair to be fired not just for sexual discrimination or personal issues, but it also isn't fair to be stalked in every place to be set up to fail because a person can't get over it.

As angry as I am, I will not let one of my rules break about controlling people's emotions and telling people how to think or feel about something. People are entitled to have feelings. I'm just sick of being expected to be screwed over for the sake of how someone may feel esp in the workplace. I'm so fucking sick of the riggings, socialism, and corruption. So fucking sick. And still fuck the Bright and Shiny cult.

I have seen several random foodstamps of Robert Kiel. I was in a psychiatric drugged up state of being last time I came in contact with him, so I don't take it so much with what I said to him. He is another person who I think wants to kill me and is obsessed in both being for and against Asians. He is obsessed with knives and excuses to kill people. He has violent, seriously degrading inhumane, victimizing, demonizing, harsh judgement over the "Mo," issue.

I can't think of any other names or people right now.

End of week thoughts

Today was a good and bad day.
Horrible because this is the only day of the week I have a chance of making money and there was a strong forecast of rain, so I never went and didn't make any sales.
Good, because I finished off a website for my crafts anyway to have another route to make some sales.
I'm so mad because the day looked like it was determined to rain with how it has been raining, how dark the sky was in the morning, how the trees looked with the sky if it were going to rain more. It never rained even one drop.
Still, I finished my website.

I was surprised to see a person come out of the blue this week. I see him around every so often. I have a hard time trying to figure out what he is all about. He could definitely be a major puzzle piece. He could also be a new, unfamiliar, and most likely some sort of dark game where he may just be pure hate or something to figure out. I have a feeling that I'm not unfamiliar to him at all. I remember in my diary days several, almost 10 years ago how much I screamed that stalking doesn't count. There is a difference of chemistry in personally stalking someone and interacting person to person.
In recent times, because I've grown numb in a number of ways, and that time can't be erased, and nothing may ever change, Luke isn't the Superman he once was. I'm not necessarily screaming for a white knight, but Luke who comforted me with the 4th ammendment and rights to privacy, just isn't a Superman anymore. He is a hot memory that I treasured at the time. If I were ever to meet Luke in present day, it would be a completley different story and scenario. The subject/bait of privacy just wouldn't be gluey that much. It would be trying to get to know each other in a completely different way. I'm not saying he is or isn't interested. I don't always believe everything I see or know what to believe.
Back to the previous guy. I think I'm going to get around to look around at past things people have said and check out a few shows that have already passed by that I never thought would have anything come about.
It's nice to still see that Carter guy. He usually has a video every single Sunday. I feel I've been given more reason to be egocentric with him and that it is all about me when he has his video postings. Not sure how to completely get him yet. How symbolic his numbering may be, the details, and how he really may be trying to get a message across. I feel a little challenged to up my mosaics a little. It is money issues because I can barely afford my crafting materials. It is also a sense of self-possession because of past grubby people who wanted to tell me how to do my art work. I hate the way it gets complicated when some people observe me and assume and I think its just asking for another oil rig when I have to suffer at the arrogance of other people. I definitely need some sort of new clay or plaster. I think he called it something with an "M." I figured since it is already a decoration, I shouldn't worry so much with what my projects are purposed to be: decoration/art.
I also have a new place that is definitely corporate that I'm interested in applying to. I guess my fear this time is my usual stress and agitation even though it already feels it is siding with me. The agitation is being pigeon-holed and not getting enough breathing room and having assumptions made and words said that I can't do anything about. The typical systematic ways of doing things. If they want to give me a chance, why shouldn't I do the same? I have a list of places I'm going to apply to for tmw.

I always feel overwhelmed even when I don't have a job. So many things to know. Being poor can stand in the way. So many things to be agitated and frustrated with.
I am going to be ok.

Personal Letter

Dane,

I really do understand the art of vagueness. I understand wanting to get a message across but also knowing that some things need to be vague. I am not a fool to the trap of being "delusional," or "delusionally paranoid." Other people may be fooled into seeing it that way.
You are simply at the predator advantage. I don't know how long you have been stalking me. I don't know the initial motive or reason you have to hate me or be so predatory of me. I don't know your whole story.
I question your cattiness of having some shares with either my old Pastor in OK, Bill S, or if you knew me in my younger years with my neighbor across the street Bill? I really feel wierded out right now with where the capitalization rests and is rooted. Who is the ultimate representative? How much of an actor are you? What is it you are trying to say?
I have taken note of the recent piece of news with Jeff the polygamist. I really was never out to judge you or even thought to wonder if you were guilty of raping someone underage in a serious way. While I see so much shit that gets said about me, I really wonder if some karma or matrix man is burying you under rubble and making you vulnerable to bad judgement as I have had to experience. If I had any control over anything that happens, I would be evil and make you suffer the pain of the exploit. Do I believe that you are Jeff the polygamist? I really would have a hard time believing it, but I'm more sold on you have a bad drug habit and are my specific hardcore stalking mysogynist.
As for Bill, the next door neighbor.........???? I do see the sexual abuse in Wilfred. If my old neighbor really is responsible, I would want him to be charged for it. I think people are getting more and more desperate and ridiculous.
As for taking the show? Some scenes are extremely disappointing while other scenes I can't help but laugh. I take the character of "Wilfred,"(Jason) with humor mostly but there is some condescending head nods as well. I question if people are looking at me as "Beth." I have another guess of who they are accusing of Beth, but if they are pointing the finger at me, I'm seriously offended that I'm being lied about.
Anorexic.
Gotta love that boombox.

And a different random thought. I'm not surprised at how you reacted to Louie. You're technically the one to screw him over by stealing some of his jokes and you manipulate the situation into him being the one who is at fault or the bad guy. Yes, you really are taking advantage of your wealth. Are you really going to feel achieved or accomplished later in life with how much of a dog you are? You don't care about buying yourself a name with taking advantage of the fact that you have wealth. My look of judgement really isn't about being a copycat. Most often, I think people get obsessed, ridiculous, and obsessively inadequate when it comes to competition of credit. But some people can be right sometimes when they do accuse another of robbing credit or being the copycat. I do believe some people can have the same feelings about something and sometimes people will even be obsessed with judging others in how they feel. I hate that I get vulnerable to so many obsessed inadequate judges. It isn't about specifically being a "joke thief," it is about you being a dog, being manipulative to beat yourself out of being the loser in your world and taking advantage of your aggression and wealth.
While you may be the bigger predator, and that you'll most likely manipulate me into being the loser and bad guy with the public world, I am taking some notes of the kind of person you are.

I am also being convinced more and more to keep giving up on people and that you are never going to let me go and my life will always be screwed over for what you do and how you manipulate.

Don't know if I'll cover every one

Wow.

Is it my new contact lenses or what? No. stupid cheesy phrase.
Just watched the movie "No Strings." I think I really mess things up when puzzling Burmuda, although there was extreme obviousness. Some thoughts I keep to myself. Some thoughts I'd like to think about more. Other thoughts will have to wait another day to unravel.
I will randomnly say it has been so long since I've had movie theatre butter popcorn. I think I've been keeping up well with my diet lately, so a food splurge from time to time won't kill me.

Continuing with other thoughts..............

Always plenty of reasons to be anxious............

In thinking on general terms, even though I think some things have the potential to hurt my reputation a little (slutty rep), I really am happy and grateful for what is suppose to be the modern day dating perspective. A thing that is easier said than to try to explain with other experiences. Seriously, I know there probably are plenty of women who experience stockholm, but as in a general overall view of the rest of the population? How many people could to some comparison relate to my actual life and dating scene? Things get complicated. Despite some loud media attention, things are not always what they seem. Even in the media, things are not always eye to eye or of an agreeable perspective. Anyway, it is a thought that I have out there. I get a little bothered/disturbed/even scared of polygamy, swinging lifestyle, a serious but twisted not really seriously loving relationship..........
That being said, whatever reality is going on in my Burmuda, I give Ashton a said gratitude of being an influencer of how many different unique modern day relationships have an idea of looking like. In comparison, it really is less judgemental than other real life occurences .............

Other thoughts are political and out of this country.
First off is actually in relation to Italy. Silvio Berlusconi. Here is a recent article: http://feeds.bignewsnetwork.com/?sid=735273
Even though I am presently against being judgemental, I'll be a said devils advocate of being judgemental. This example is a reason of previous said fears of polygamy, swinging, and twisted relationships. He is Italy's ultimate leader. When there is serious competition in relation to love and relationships, that is Italy's ultimate example and leader to follow. Italy is known for some communism and tyranny although there may be some liberals. Think about the reality though. Do you really think the rest of the Italians will probably be in monogamous committed relationships? Do you really think the men would have a committed reflection? I seriously doubt it. Kind of like the old Bracelet "What would Jesus Do?" The Italian men probably wouldn't even give a second thought after the already long leadership to think of "What would Burlusconi do?" It is hard to imagine what the writer wrote when Berlusconi was going through his orgy saying: "Next one." It chills me. Of all the judgemental people in the world though and all of the reasons to judge a person. Especially when Italy points the finger at others for being "trashy," I don't break a sweat to say, you can have all the class in the world to say "next one," but still no character. In addition to my general begrudging, I am seriously mad at Unga Bunga. It was an innocent fun game my sister and I played as children. Some really sick and twisted individual perverted it into some stripper group. I am so disgusted at the idea and am even more disgusted at any perverted accusation of my sister and I.

I'm really not in the mood to talk about love or serious relationships right now. It is just a debate of thought.
If there is anything that can give my mind some alleviation, the Dead Weather has been a wonderful band to jam with recently. (no relation to parents either in "no strings." is some twisted pervert is going to throw another accusation.



But yeah. Another thought with the band is further elaborated thoughts with the news. I eventually want to find a man who will take me for worse or better. There is too much harassment and enough is never enough. I have been so fed up with all the sexual harassment. My new namecall and label is "that one must have the ideal Hitler body to achieve anything in this world."





Borat agrees!



Despite real life discrimination; I think Sacha is funny. Still a little confused with the latest Bruno (who I believe Medvedev secretely shares a connection too through rumor).

I'll just continue to say I have yet to officially find my way. the right way. Not sure if I've found the right one, but if it officially happens it officially happens.........................
Not just discrimination with men but discrimination in media in socialism and in workplaces and supposed job opportunities.

That was actually a lot to unload.......... I think I'll have to wait another day to share more thoughts.