I did get out a little today when I took a hike and sunbathed. I saw a few usual harassing and stalking foodstamps and spit at them. (I really did). ACC teachers, Denny, and a random couple. I think one day, people will see more truth of what I really think and feel, but I'm usually buried under so many rumors and suffocated by arrogance, no one takes the time to think what I could be thinking. I never wanted my mind to be read all of the time, but if people want to make an issue or complaint with concepts of communes and/or isolation, its something to think about.
There are some random people in the system that I wish I knew more and was in my reach a little better. I wish communication was better, personally between us, clearly understood, a sense of equalness or civility. I want to know some definite names. For the people who like to continuously roll with entertainment, that is the main thing I need a break from. Entertainment does have its own benefits, but I'm tired of relationships that are entertainment. I never made that choice. I don't know why some people still want to take advantage of me in that way. I don't understand how some people could be so heartless to use me like that and leave me poor with unemployment. Some old questions still havn't been answered yet. While entertainment and relationships can be used together; my main complaint is being used in entertainment. Other people may be victims of entertainment along with me, but I'm tired of how it somehow goes with me.
For some clarity, my old neighbor in W.V. Ryan B, no. He was only a neighbor and a friend. I do not want to be in any kind of romantic or beyond friends relationship with him. I'm just not into him like that.
I have a feeling that my life is going back to the usual system and socialism I have been hating and complaining about for the longest time. I think I have another carrot this time ~for motivational purposes~ I'm not necessarily trying to insult him, I'm just fed up with the system and the routine of it all. I have made that complaint even years ago. MIA is still one of my favorite singers to this day. And yes, I have noticed some acknowledgement, but nobody is changing or fixing a damn thing about it in the worst way. Actions speak louder than words. The only actions were to actually acknowledge and announce my scream and make entertainment out of it. There is no tangible change.
As for the recent Dane drama. I'm not asking to be mothered or nurtured by anyone. If anyone dared come close or test me (depending on who it is and predictable motivations of people), I'd punch them in the face or starve them from any satisfaction.
He has stopped making arrogant comments and hasn't really done much to provoke me. In different media, there is a little siding with me to view him as Gadaffi. (When people are for or against me, I still say people are entitled to have their own opinions and thoughts). I don't mind people agreeing with me sometimes. There have been no more names given of the group of predators who are sexually abusing me. I label it as a Russian abuse in that it is a cold war where nobody can be charged or even fairly charged or fought with because there is no fairness or evidence. I'm not even trying to provoke to be tested over it more. I'd still say the abusers deserve to get shot. Someone did mention police brutality, but I don't honestly know if the local police would really do that. How is the justice of it all really taken care of? How could some people know, yet do nothing?
I have been seeing more hints of people, and more hints of crime. It seems with the things that I can't see and where I feel left in the dark, that greed is winning. I just don't know the details. I think there are only bad intentions. It is hard to approach because I am in the dark with a lot of things and feel I am being distracted from the truth with such a chaotic life. Sometimes, there is bribery. Other times, the evil intentions, lies, hate, and chaos of other people happen. While it makes no sense to me, it bothers me that there are a number of people who may be aware of some things, and I hate how my vulnerability of it all gets abused.
I have been thinking about Amish Jim lately. He wants me to. I think he has some sort of agenda going on. My guess is that he has issues that I'm not as dependent as he would want me to be. He has made so many insults and actions of rejection and hate, I don't understand why he would still even act interested or want something from me. Today, the media did have his family talked about. I just don't understand what his persistence is, why he would still want to harass me. Most men usually do end up thinking I'm gay because I'm not dependent or aggressive enough. I simply know when I'm not wanted or where I have been violently rejected and don't understand why I should even question an attraction. It doesn't make much sense to me. Sometimes, I can be a little more persistent with guys who havn't been so violently rejecting or insulting, but I go through periods of giving up and wondering.
I WILL NEVER BEG.
PERIOD.
Maybe he has issues with my pride even though I'm bankrupt. Maybe he thinks the usual systematic thing to do is beg or be aggressively desperate. I just don't. I'm currently denied, but I have had literal foodstamps and unemployment before. I just don't beg. I feel with how life is, it is choking me and violently demanding to beg. Sometimes, I don't even know who wants me to beg to them. I can just tell someone wants me to beg to them. After some things he has already said, and if he was getting jealous or competitive with other men, how could he think he is any different with harassment? If he has this superman or philanthropic mentality, how could he argue? I really did have the hots for him at the time of the fling. He's just been such an asshole; I don't understand what the purpose of his persistance is? More than half the time I don't look if I see a sign somewhere. Other times, I do get curious. He's too distant, so much of an asshole, and there is just too much missing where nothing makes sense. I think he is just another person who wants to B.S. me and mess with my mind.
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