Random Thoughts

What a day. What a day.
I did see the movie "New Years" today. I bet that movie was made in Wisconsin.


I really don't know what to believe anymore about a lot of people. It is something I have already said. I will say this though: I think it is nice that someone would make effort to either cheer me up or keep myself distracted and given some kind of sign that I am cared for or to forget the bad stuff. I'm still not sold on anything. It is nice that someone would throw some game out there or have some of my predators confused.
I really wouldn't mind if there were some kind of scene instead to have connections with other mothers who are in a similar circumstance as I am. I really wouldn't mind it being acknowledged that I'm not the only woman in the world who is single and going through an unplanned pregnancy. I know there are probably a number of folks that would look down on me. I don't care. Instead of some women being put in the frame in a negative way, why not be more accepting of it?
I do have times of loneliness and it varies to whether I enjoy being single or not. I really would have a preference of being in a relationship with someone while being pregnant or during times that I was ever pregnant. Sometimes, life happens and preferences don't. There will always be opposing groups no matter what happens in life. In this instance the group would be hard on coupling and relationships. It is like single boot camp. I operate independently either way and know personally for myself what I want.
I'm not being too hard on myself for going through my emotional phases. I know I am going to sometimes have a hard time sitting still and not being anxious. I deal with it; I know I'm human.
Seth and Ashton are the two most obvious that are in the spotlight. Stacy's spotlight isn't denied either. With the four of us being put together like this (2 and a half men including), I have to ask: what question is being begged? What is it I am missing? I deny that I'm on any good terms with Stacy. I don't know if Seth or Ashton is really being an asshole to say she is another woman I should be subjected to or be expected to beg because I am supposedly "inferior" to her. Again, this isn't about me being the boss of saying who to love, this really is about slave labor. I question the real motive of the "cheeriness," of the movie. Not sure about the Katherine Heigle character or who she is representing or what this is entirely about. I thought it was nice of Aasif to be there.
I did just have to laugh though when everybody asked: "Who is going to be at Times Square?" I thought it was funny anyway. Is this some more cheese to me with: Be there or be square? ahahhahahahahahaha that was funny.

I have other thoughts on my mind too but I'm just sticking with the subject of this movie and leave my other thoughts for another day.

Dear Seth

Where do I begin.
I have always been confused with the system. I still havn't caught on to exactly what the rivalry is with you and Steve, but it looks like you both have a share of Burlusconi. I used to think Steve on SNL this past week looked a little like Richard Roberts. Anyway. I do not understand the Burlusconi system. If I could guess, it would be a large orgy with women where you love them all for a certain and same reason. I question if you represent yourself too, or represent several men. I don't know how far the "orgy" thing would literally go or if it is figurative. People have said that I look Italian, but I do not consider myself part of the culture like that. Anyway, Seth I told you, I am so emotional right now. I can't handle being jealous with so many other problems I have. I can't handle being in the game. It is awkward to be in the game to begin with.
I feel a lot of vibes from you: affectionate, coldness, some undefined anger, some mystery, some lust, and confusion. I watch and observe the system sometimes and notice the physical characteristics including the facial features of people. It can be confusing, and shocking, and almost sci-fi sometimes. I am highly convinced that you can hear and see me personally. I don't know what all you see or how much of me you see or hear. I am a little embarassed. Other times, I don't care. I don't get your complete gist yet, but when you brought up Whitney Houston, I felt you were confirming you can hear me. We aren't on the same page and you still aren't answering my question of how I was relating her to me. Anyway, back to facial features of who you look like.........

Of course you don't look like a literal fox, but I have a hunch of the Disney symbolism with who you are making a connection with. It is depressing. There is a chemistry but it is depressing. I usually don't consider myself very judgemental; right now, I have no other choice. I'm also upset at another possible local connection you could have with someone and if you are sincerely making rips about my body. I know I'm no literal supermodel, but I think you're being unreasonable. I don't know if it is a rejection or what.
With the fox symbol, you seem interested but it also seems I don't have you that much and you may have an agenda that I don't know about and are keeping your loyalties to someone else. I don't even know how many girlfriends you have.
With still having some awared emotions, I don't want it to look like I'm begging while talking to you. I'm not begging. I have some partial apology but not. I don't remember everything that happened in the past with SNL. So much media: shows, movies, magazines, the web. It really is asking too much of me, especially while I have no real job, to expect me to know everything and pay attention to everything. While you are part of a group that isn't new, you as a person are new. There could have been a lot of connections and wiring that you have made that I wasn't paying attention to. Maybe you never tried to make a connection before. I don't know everything I missed out on with you.
I do have a surface level humor with some things on the show, but I don't know how much you and the other writers are going beyond the surface: who is playing the roles. the complete gist of either a person or an entire scene. Sometimes it seems like it is a random conversation out of the blue and beyond the surface, I don't know what the writer is trying to say. I'm not alien to all scenes, but there are some scenes that I really don't know how to take.

Dear Seth

Seth, I really do consider you a stranger more than anything. There is obviously more chemistry than a typical stranger. I've been more hypersensitive lately about trickery and the whole fool concept.
Anyway, it is usual for me to get confused. The Buckeyes. I laughed so hard when I found out that was a real team name. I think I had gotten a Helen Keller savings bond that same day. I get the concept for the most part. But with so many names and concepts and OSU and its nemesis OU (whenever I was in OK anyway), I get confused with what role I'm really playing with you. I do proudly wear my Sooners shirt sometimes "If you want to win..." and on the back "then don't play the Sooners." and a different trail of thought other than with what role I'm playing with you; what does "winning" really mean to you?
If I play the literal role of a football player that you coach, do you or how much do you take me seriously as being masculine? You are coaching me to be nonstop in continuously buckeye-ing you? Or buckeye-ing whatever opposition comes my way? I consider myself spontaneous with the whole buckeyeing thing. Sometimes, I refuse to even move my eyes to answer to someone. Other times, I buckeye anyway at my leisure.
Maybe I am a major nemesis and you have your own team of men that want to buckeye me. ?
I was watching RT earlier and am being your Dora in wondering if you are connected to Burlusconi and you connect your dots and do your math where you see me being angry and the stripper to protest against those opposed of women's rights? You somehow connect me to a French maid stripper telling you how bad of a man you are instead of a dominatrix stripper with a whip telling you how bad of a man you are... ??? You're saying you're the boss? .................

Seth, I don't get your game yet.... or what your agenda is... or what you may want to be saying.
Just don't be too rough or make me mad. I'm sensitive right now and it isn't fair.

Perplexed

ONE OF THE KEYS ON MY COMPUTER STILL ISN'T WORKING. OH WELL.
THOUGHTS FOR TODAY? NOT A WHOLE LOT REALLY. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I'M GOING TO BE DOING WITH MY BUDGET AND BOREDOM IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF MONTHS BECAUSE WINTER KNITTING SEASON IS PRETTY MUCH DONE. I CAN ALWAYS LEARN NEW THINGS, BUT THEN THERE IS THE BUDGET.
MISSING OUT ON BLACK FRIDAY TODAY ISN'T TOO KILLER.
THOUGHTS OF YESTERDAY. A LOT OF DIFFERENT EMOTIONS THROUGHOUT THE DAY. I LET MYSELF HAVE A SMALL SPLURGE FOR MY OWN SAKE. SOME THOUGHTS TO MYSELF AND SOME TO VENT AT ANOTHER TIME. THIS IS THE THIRD YEAR IN A ROW THAT I HAVE SPENT THANKSGIVING ALONE TO MYSELF. BESIDES MY PERSONAL STRICT BUDGETING IT REALLY ISN'T THAT BAD. I TOOK MYSELF TO SEVERAL PLACES DURING THE DAY. OMG I AM SO EXCITED THAT A NEW MISSION IMPOSSIBLE IS BEING MADE. WITH DIFFERENT THINGS THAT GO ON IN THE MEDIA WITH TOM CRUZE, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE IS STILL TOO MUCH OF THE SHIT FOR ME TO LOSE MY FANHOOD OVER HIM.
I SOMETIMES LIKE FOOTBALL. IT WAS A LITTLE ENTERTAINING. BEFORE THAT, I SAW TWILIGHT. IT REALLY IS FRUSTRATING IN CHOOSING ANYTHING ANYMORE WHICH INCLUDES MOVIE CHOICE IN THIS INSTANCE. IT VARIES IN COMPLEXITIES AND SIMPLICITIES OF WHATEVER CHOICES. STILL, I HATE HOW MUCH SOME STALKERS BREATHE SO HEAVILY OVER ME AND MAKE THEIR OWN ASSUMPTIONS AND GLARES. IT IS LIKE A CAREER CHOICE OR LIFE OR DEATH DECISION OVER IT. I HAD SEEN THE PREVIOUS TWILIGHT MOVIES. I'VE SEEN THE PREVIOUS HARRY POTTER MOVIES AND I THINK TO SOME EXTENT THAT AND TWILIGHT CAN BE COMPARABLE IN THEIR OWN WAYS. I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD MOVIE. I HAD MY OWN PERSONAL LAUGHS TO MYSELF WHILE WATCHING THE MOVIE. IN LATER OBSERVATIONS ....
I WAS AT A LOSS OF WORDS WITH SOME FLYING INFO THAT I OBSERVED LATER. I STILL FEEL IN A STATE WHERE I'M FRESHLY PERPLEXED, SURPRISED, AND SHY. I'M PARANOID TOO. I'M NOT JUST PARANOID WITH WHAT I DON'T KNOW BUT PARANOID ABOUT MYSELF AND TENDENCIES TO BE A FUCKUP IF I SAY SOME THOUGHTS ASSUMPTIONS OR GUESSES OUT LOUD. LIFE HAS BEEN HELL AND TOUGH AND I WANT TO BE VULNERABLE AND IT WOULD BE FAIR TO LET MYSELF BUT THERE IS THE "BUT" THAT HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE ENDLESS.
I MAKE OTHER OBSERVATIONS WITH A FEW OTHER PEOPLE AND I GET A LITTLE CONFUSED AND PERPLEXED WITH WHAT IS COMPLETELY GOING ON IN THE WORLD AROUND ME. SOMETIMES MAKING EFFORT TO KEEP MYSELF INFORMED DEPENDS ON MY OWN LEISURE, SPONTANAITY, PREDICTIONS AND INTUITIONS ABOUT PEOPLE. SOMETIMES I JUST WOULD RATHER NOT KNOW. IT VARIES.
ONE RANDOM PIECE OF GOOD NEWS IS THAT WE HAVE A FREE MOVIE CHANNEL ON MY TV FOR THE WEEKEND. I'M ALREADY A LITTLE BUSY WITH SOME MADE-TO-ORDERS BUT I HAVE ANOTHER OPTION TO BEAT THE BOREDOM. I DO LIKE TV AND MOVIES SOMETIMES, BUT OTHER TIMES IT IS IN THE PILE OF CABIN FEVER AND I WANT TO GET OUT. KEEPING MYSELF BUSY AND CALM THE REST OF THE EVENING.

Whether it be Pimps or Catholic School Teachers

Dear Anderson,

I will have to go back and watch your show last night, but I will start with what I heard because it is already going to be enough of a long detailed discussion. Good before Bad: If you are on my side or not, it was nice of you to act like you are on my side in the timing of things even if I'm not on someone else's clock. While I do not see you as being accurately understanding, it is nice to see that you are trying to do the right thing. I know that not everyone is always going to be reliable or on my side, but it was nice and of some relief to see that you were making effort to side.
(In a side trail, I don't really know a lot about the Paterno case, I don't think I am on the same page. I'm not standing in the way if you know the complete and accurate story of what is going on in their life, but I don't take the newsreporter job too seriously or literally.)

What my present focus is the names that I mentioned yesterday. I know it is really frustrating on both of our ends for clearness and clarity. I feel blind, while with you personally, I have doubts at whose side you are on, how knowledgeable and aware you are, and if we are on the same page. It doesn't seem like we are on the same page......
Personally, I hate the challenges I have that are being handed to me. I think it is simple minded, stupid, insulting, and a block and hold back to the kind of experience I want, the challenges I want, and the goals I want to achieve. In going back to square one and the subject of feeling rape, the example of my expression is how I feel raped to be forced to win the approval or satisfaction of others.
Denny, Erin, Maggie, and Jon are not the only people who have treated me like a territory to own and demand me to answer to them. I have run into several other people who have threatened my survival and threatened me with their personally defined slavery and to be forced and subjected to whatever they think. They have been consistently aggressive throughout the whole time in their own reasoning to say they deserve to be possessive or have some entitlement over me.
Of course I am bothered by juvenile comments and some sexual harassment. Of course I have my own offenses. If someone were to seriously and extremely force me into their pigeon-holing whether it be pimps or catholic school teachers, I would choose to be a stripper. That is if it is do or die in my own personal perspective.
There are some things that I already know Erin, Denny, Jon, and Maggie have said in trying to ruin me. There is obviously going to be some gossip and words said that I won't know about. I know it is not my fault that I somehow keep getting damned to them. I don't want them in my life at all. This blog is not meant to be their opportunity to have any kind of debate or say in my life. They never have won with me; they will never have my respect.
While there are a list of enemies who want to ruin me or trash talk my name, these are the primary ones that I would consider the most codependent and most competitive in their own personal Chicago musical black sheep fueds. Maggie especially will always want us to be comparable in every which way. My sister can be the same in her codependency as well. I feel that while other people are responsible for rigging me in the workplace, that their gossip is probably the ones that get to win the rig. While I'm the one who is losing my job and survival; I will always see them as losers even if they get away with rigging me with their trash talk and forced violence time after time.
If I could draw a picture at what some of their main gossip is to use against me "ever daring to have a job." (seriously, how dare I?) it would be:
They think I'm psycho, psychotically suicidal, stupid, my behavior doen't qualify under what they would define as being acceptable, bankrupt, too poor for minimum wage, too violent, yada yada yada. They would entitle themselves or manipulate other people in saying I should have no rights to my motherhood. (The movie Hugo is the example of them going psycho on me).
(Of course this is not how I see myself but how I know they see me and try to ruin me with their methods of manipulation): (and no I don't have a seaweed).

They do scapegoat me. They do not have regard that I do not respect them nor have any tolerance for their provokings, possessiveness, and scapegoating. How dare I not let them in my social life and stamp across my forehead "No Trespassing." How dare I call them rapists after they are clearly trying to be controlling and possessive of me that is severely against my will? How dare I seldom let them get a rise out of me?

Anderson, I just may end up being a stripper. I'm not considering either the pimp predator or the catholic school teacher predator the one who wins in me being a stripper. I understand survival is survival and I already know for myself what my real drives are. And because I'm already most likely taking fun out of being a stripper in some time of future, I just may be damned as well for taking the fun out of it. Then, I just may be forced into being someone's mail order bride or homelessness. I have some instinctive level of trust in how much you would really take me seriously.

?????????????????

There is some light heartedness but mostly perplexed frustration with me today................

I really did say my life is like Lord of the Flies. While the world still feels psychotic, the atmosphere of so many psychos is changing into a new form. It is not as quiet or psychotically and sickly neglectful, it is psychotically and sickly a little more directive. Even outside of the U.S. If I were to die, I would still say that I am priceless and nobody is worth my death..............

I'll start with the Parade magazine with the straight forward full name of "Sarah Letts Smith." It is almost as if it sounds like the military is one big group on the list of psychos that really want to have a violent go with me. It isn't presented in a humorous way either although the level of seriousness can be questioned. They would obviously already know about my pregnancy and they already show they don't give a crap that I'm pregnant to have a fight with me. I can only guess at military issues with what I've seen.......
Permissable discrimination: I'm sure I'm not the only person who is affected by it, but in my personal instance, my body is supposedly not perfect enough even to have a minimum wage job.
Permissable subjectivity: I think it got more defined over time in dealing with corporations and the special interests of corporations. It is their side to say that special interests of the wealthy should be over common law both locally and nationally including ammendments.
Amongst the abuse itself of permitting the wealthy to subject people and make those people their slaves are the specific ways and abuses that they get subjected over. Abuse is already broken down into subcategories. The specifics of each category is further broadened throughout each trail. Summed up, it is extreme violations against human rights and humanity varying to levels and degrees of violation.

I have stood up against both of these issues on several occassions.

So, how am I the badguy? let me guess
-When I give eye for an eye with death threats (I have never made any official blue prints of a large plan to make revenge on one person or a large group of any sort) I've had gossip and found ways to break out of some stockholms for my own free speech. Some people obviously havn't given up on thinking I think like a typical victim would.
~How dare I~
-When I talk to other countries or various people online. (Sometimes I'm not even the initiator but fearless in my personal limits to go to the limits of my own adventure/exploration/curiosity.)
~How dare I~
-When I speak any sort of truth
~How dare I~
-When my actions and words are either negligent or warring against the breadwinners of the nation.
~How dare I~

As for the rest of the guesses with the military, I really don't know what their real issues with me are if they deny what my guesses are. (I already know for myself the real truth of some things).

Jon is getting louder in my world. I get confused in the matrix still. Sometimes, I'm confused as to who I'm really talking to and who the credit is given to if I am denied of saying who I think I'm talking to or where I would want my words to go. While there are a lot of things fuzzy and not clear on my radar, I get a little more in shock about the mystery of some serious experiments in the mind and brain. It is a wierd belief in some sort of thing that seems more fiction than nonfiction. I do not agree with some things that are being said but the confirmation of specific people and some specific conversation is shocking and it is hard to try to comprehend or know exactly for sure what to believe about some people. So much going on at once which makes it impossible for me to do much about anything. I will say how angry I literally am with putting words in my mouth about abortion. For now I'm quiet about other things. I'm curious over numbers of issues and people. I'm not a victim. I don't have much else to say with Jon right now. .....

This seriously offends me:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/06/magazine/martin-scorseses-magical-hugo.html?_r=1&smid=tw-nytimes&seid=auto

I know Sacha is a comedian but I fucking don't give a fuck. Making up psycho fantasies or threats like that is something that even shouldn't be fucking fucked with. Fucking psycho. I guess at some time or another I got on his bad side. Just because I laughed in his last movie doesn't mean I was being serious. I DO HAVE SOME OF MY OWN INSIDE JOKES THAT HE FUCKING ALREADY KNOWS FOR HIMSELF AND FUCKING TWISTS IT IN HIS FUCKING CORRUPT WAY. FUCKING FUCKTARD.
(If my baby was a boy, one of the name options was Hugo).
This article was written by John which is another name confusion. The last paragraph goes to him as well that is before this paragrapth that I wrote. Is the baby's father really hitting on Kate Middleton or my sister? It is difficult to translate. He can get desperate and throw a fit all he wants, he is only wasting his time. It bothers me that more men aren't standing in some other men's ways of relentlessness and desperation of me to be in submission to whatever woman of his choice is. I think it is one sick thing that people purposefully neglect after I have said no time after time. What is it anyone is trying to prove? Why won't they give up at my constant refusals? Why is this sadism and serious violence being ignored? Why do people taunt and obsess over domination games that never have and never will mean anything? Why do people not see the childish behavior in it all for what it is?
AHEM NEW YORK AHEM
AHEM
AHEM

Seriously, if some people are that savagely desperate for taboo entertainment against humanity, screw PETA and choose cockfighting instead. No, I'm not afraid of more animal harassment of so many sorts and agendas either when I say obviously and boldly that: "human beings should be put before animals." Of course the harassment wouldn't deserve my time if I were forced to be subjected to it.

~In other thoughts~
I am going to give myself a small brag today that I received a large handout/donation in my crafts and business. It isn't authentic as my handmade crafts but still, it is going to be a good money maker. I'm so happy and excited.
~Shaking a pillow~
(I'm not being literally serious with the song. When I sell pillows, it isn't insinuating that I'm being any sort of hooker or serious sexual insinuation. I'm literally selling pillows).

To Do

I could really make a lifetime out of a to do list. This is probably one of the more boring blogs because it is about my personal little world. I was thinking of some past goals and still have them in mind depending on how time and money goes. Speaking of, I am so happy and relieved that I finally have a job. While this job may cause some new stress in my life, I won't have to worry about a lot of the old stress and depression. I will do everything in my strength to keep this job as long as I can. Keeping some other thoughts to myself about finally having a steady income...
With just today, I have accomplished quite a bit of my to do list, but it isn't completely done yet. I need to work on some more crafts. I did get a good hike in today. It was so humid out and hotter than I expected. I am still aching. I think that was one of the toughest workouts I've had to do in awhile even though it was just a long distance walk. I experimented with a new meal today. I'm happy that it turned out well. I think if I had more ingredients and it was all in equal proportion, it would have been better, but it still turned out pretty good. Too much pasta. I'll have enough leftovers to last.
I'm mad that I can't go to the flea market tmw. I need as much spare money as I can get. I have one of the bigger festivals coming up in just 2 weeks and I want to make as many thinks as I can, but am more limited with money for supplies. Because I have a job, I will probably look into going to another festival in November. Hopefully I will be able to find one where someone will be lenient with the deadline. Usually, you have to plan months in advance. Matter of money.
My parents are on vacation for this entire week. It is a little nice to have the house to myself. Well, my sister is here too.
While the relationship has continued to be dysfunctional and abusive, I can't help but tear up sometimes. I continue to grow more cold-hearted because they leave me no choice with the way they abuse and make effort to control me. They both said, "I love you," in such a sincere way before walking out the door for their vacation. I think as they are aging, they are also dealing with more health problems and I can't help but have some pity for them. While they correlate with being one of my Gadaffi's, they are still my parents that I have a little bit of a heart for.
It looks like there is still a big road ahead of me. Or maybe instead of a big undiscovered road, the environment will be a blinded Gadaffi camp. Some people want to kill me or just harass me to death. Some people want to make such a persuasive suicide speech for me to fulfill. I have to watch for the lifeboats and if there would ever be a such thing as a new safer environment. I wonder if my life will always be rigged due to the special interests of the wealthy class.
While some people are so anxious and on edge of my love interests, right now my mood swing is not sweating it. I don't mind being single. A depression may hit me on occassion, but right now, finding someone is on the backburner. I have my own priorities that some people want to control and manipulate for the sake of their own comfort.
I think that is all that is on my mind for now. Back to crafting.........

Big Tymers, it has been real and it has been real fun. I'll probably still listen to this on occassion because I like the sound and the tune itself:



I think this is actually a wierd video and a funny connection, but yay for working.
We can't forget working now can we? Unfortunately, sometimes it isn't in anyone's control. But glad I can find work for now. Forget the ho's: the man-ho's. Again, not all lyrics match, it is the gist of being content to have a job.