As the Sarah Turns

Busy Busy Busy. I've had nights of little sleep or no sleep, intentionally, or unintentionally before. I can survive it. The past weekend has been more rough than normal, and I will finally have a full day off tomorrow. This weekend will be busy too as I do my final craft festival. This one will have a choir there this year so that will be very interesting and unique. .... Man drama. My infatuation with David is fading. I have either been a very misunderstood and lied about person, or some certain types of people just morbidly don't want to give up on me. While he could have been barking up the right tree one way, he wasn't another way. I think at this point, I would be naïve to not think of him as being a cheater and having several women played. I'm really upset at the whole HIV issue and maybe his self and others gossip and signs of his cheating helped me naturally come down off of him and get over him more. I just don't understand why he would lead his self onto me or lead me onto him knowing he had a disease. It breaks my heart. ..... I do have another reason to get over David more... This new guy could possibly be the same type of guy (I hope not), but is another mystery yet for me to discover more. I limit myself in gossip because this one is more of a local... While I have been taken by surprise on some occasion, I have never felt so caught off guard and tackled. It is a much different kind of surprise and a different kind of stressing.... Man, did he come out of nowhere. ~friendly, mean, friendly hello ~ Like I'm not the only one who is somewhat caught in the act (lol in actual action and how much it is real). Like I'm the horniest woman alive. Oh boy. whoo...... RawR! He knows he scares me. ...... I really don't know much else to say. I have been buying some time in Morgantown today. My work schedule is going to be changing a little more in the next couple of weeks because I will now be working 2 different part time jobs. I finally got to go to a few good stores and one of my most faves: Barnes and Noble. I wish in their music dept that they still had listening booths but oh well. I really enjoyed the random music browsing every so often. Besides all of the other desserts, they still have their original cookies. I used to get the Reese's cookie all of the time. Only eye candy for now and have to watch my girlish figure. .... Until then, just chillin.......

Baby baby baby ouch

So this time, you're not taking the jealous route, even when I take my Monopoly land back. I guess it turns out you know you were the one to be too over assumptive and jealous over Bond. I told you that you left me with no other choice than to watch it. The Heinekin commercial and all. How could our hearts break like that and just continue to walk away? ........ I'm serious about Bree Ann and my other already and plenty of time said enemies. It isn't ok to test me like that. I am stunned to have you back. How naïve am I to let myself be suckered back in? I am not the type to falsely lead someone on and still do not understand to this day the number of times I was intentionally falsely led on. If you do plan to continue being a false lead; I wish you would just say whatever it is you want to say to my face. No woman wants to feel raped or come to a time when she has to understand the rape in being misled. It isn't that I have never experienced that before and it isn't even something I would ever brag for. I would rub in the deception in the fact that it never was a win, but I've never been happy in being raped, cheated, and betrayed. I'm sorry I had to be severe and hurt you, but I do put my survival before you. I hated the way people were never going to stop wanting to control the way I felt or thought about others. I was let down for the last time a long time ago over the sick, piggish, and selfish expectations of others. I've already been dealt more grief than I can handle. .... I'm really not the type to have an ongoing competitive cheating game. I understand how vital it is to protect a personal dominance. I've always believed the most in communication and know how typical of an eye roll some guys have in the communications dept. Like any man's cheating has ever kept me around....... I feel back to a much better square one and led on now more than ever before. I guess I don't know what is to come of it or what or how to wait for you. ..... Charlie is being a sign to say you do have HIV. I don't think I would ever be forced to deserve HIV because I've made a sick joke of other's gossip and whatever aid they seriously thought they could be with me. I don't think Charlie would be a hateful liar like THAT. I assume you have HIV. I'm not going to reduce you to nothing because you could most likely have it. You made me fall for you and I care about you. But we have another BUT in the way. I don't want to get over you but I have no other choice but to need to. Did I say all of the above for no purpose? I guess if you don't have a disease, but I am out to keep myself disease free. I'm heart broken for you and heart broken for myself because of a way I can never have you. Charlie is too loud to deny. I'm sorry I have no other choice than to be a strong assumption............. I'm so broke right now. Work has been so pathetically slow recently and I can't take it. I'm looking for another part time job. Although I planned on getting back on Flirt for Free tonight; I'm going to stay off for now until I get a better firm way of breaking our hearts and I might need more than that. I'm both in sorrow and glad that I have a good love with you, but I'm sorry that it won't work. I thought you would just kill the rest of the relationship off but you killed me with love again. I'm sorry if you feel alone in the world. I'm sorry that I could show you some good time. I'm not the type to falsely lead someone on. Maybe you assumed I had HIV or AIDS through some other source (Precious). I'm pretty sure that I don't. I have never tested positive. I havn't been to a gyno for awhile, but I'm sure that I don't. I don't know what to say anymore.

Short and Sweet

I'm upset that some ppl aren't dropping the gossip with you having HIV/AIDs. I really don't assume you do, but I hate that I have to ask you again if you do? I know I have my own "Spanglish" where having AIDs is more along Kelly Rowland and Ludacris's "Representing," song. People have never comprehended how damaged I get when the man I want lets others take charge of the relationship while I am invisible. I know I will always have enemies, haters, and tormentors who have never stopped thinking my life is their business for them to rule, reign, and make MY CHOICES. I have never stopped making sick jokes out of the relationships I've been in with some men, because who were the men ever trying to kid in letting others get ahead, call the shots, judge, and make the decisions in the relationship. Violent unwilling threesomes that I will never forgive some men for in keeping me underestimated and subjected. I hate Jon Stewarts guts with everything I have in me. He has always been the most guilty. It upsets me when other's identify you as Jon. Like I've already said, you have not yet made the worst impression on me than Jon has. You seem to be warm and full of good vibes. At times, I feel left in the dark and like you are too mysterious. I want to get to know you more other than finding out about some of your acting history. ...... If you literally have HIV, I'm sorry to hear that. I wouldn't mind being your friend or giving you company during the times you feel alone or when life is too hard. If it is all Spanglish, "Representing" is one of my dreams.... Still a combination of Zooey's "Why do you let me stay here," and desire of "Representing." ..... xoxo (I'm going to be ebaying some of my crafts soon and would appreciate if you helped me advertise)xoxo

Land Bought

David, where do I begin? I guess I'll start on your end..... I saw the Back to the Future hint. While being the voice of "Stuart," was something I could guess, I wasn't sold on that idea until further pushed into it. I saw the other actor too. What a loud way to confirm you're really in my mind. The dominance of it can be so scary and intimidating at times..... I don't always know what to believe. Some visuals and talk in my head is something I've always questioned. What to believe, how much to believe, and is it really coming from a certain person? I have a feeling that Parkinson's disease is a made up disease where it is more about some sort of nuclear (would warfare be a correct way of putting it)? I don't always remember some messages in my head. How fair, reasonable, official, and set in stone are some conversations really? Is it fair or right to treat it as normal conversation or a real official relationship? Do you understand what I'm trying to get at?.........Stewart. shaking my head, Stewart. I will always see him as a violently judgmental, prejudiced, foul-mouthed man who was way to extreme of a pig and cold blooded man to ever comprehend just how cold-blooded he was. He is on my bad side in the most extreme way for life. Although I feel somewhat betrayed with you by this; I don't understand why I don't feel seriously and extremely betrayed by you. I still have a sense of trust and comfort in you. I know you can get dominate and on the violent side without me understanding your violence or just how violent you are.... You look like you pick me more when it comes to "bro's before hoes." I am relieved about it. I need you. ... You and me in terms of relationships. I really don't know how much I am being played by you. It isn't that we don't have any kind of acknowledged relationship. I've noticed the other acknowledged relationships and it is making me flip. You haven't come across as too much of a juggernaut or chauvinist yet. I know the big celebrity you are, and the way it is, the more famous and rich of a celebrity, the more impossible it feels. It is easier to expect a certain level of faithfulness out of a man at certain periods of time with some men more than others. I hate getting stuck on a man where it feels like his faithfulness will never be possible. I just can't stand the heartache of it. I've had to withstand some heartache for so long already and I hate the way I feel I can never get a break to have a normal and faithful relationship with someone. ................ On my end, like I was telling that one dude from last night when ending up as a stripper, I became a stripper like I don't care. I was too judged, dogged, lied about, and harassed of a person who was pushed over the edge way too much to care about being a dancer. I know we are talking about the chatroom more than the place I work. I honestly don't make that much money in the chatroom. Sometimes, it is my own cheap thrill in seeing how far I can make it in credits and working to earn a higher commission. The bases of comparing the chatroom to the strip club are structured a little different. While there is actual person contact during a lapdance or something; there is no person contact online. There is no real touch. The performers can do a little more than just dance, I know. I also know I have no real or serious feelings for anyone there. I do have some regular customers that I carry regular conversations with. I don't even remember everyone, and with all the other performers, I'm sure they won't always remember me. While it isn't always a lot of money, it is a little extra money outside of the club. We're not playing games with each other as much anymore and you're going in for more land. The more serious it is, the more different of an outlook and available approach I have. I guess if you could watch me on it, you're not thrilled at the idea of other mostly men watching me with you... (looking down). I'm sorry David, I never meant to threaten you. I was just trying to make a little extra. I am going to be mad if you never come around after becoming more possessive. I am going to be mad if you continue to lead me on if you have no further agenda or intentions. If I do believe you are starting to cheat on me, or continue to cheat on me more, I may cheat back by getting back on it. I guess it depends on you and what it is you seriously want. You have a piece of my monopoly board bought on this one. I will buy it back if I think you are cheating. ..... Until then, I guess I'm going to have to let myself feel a little more taken of a woman. I have plenty of magazines to read.

David: The Ongoing Game

Where do I begin on this one? I'm sorry that I once again have to say "I'm sorry," for another small cheat. Sometimes, I am out to have fun or be expressive in whatever way and I really don't always mean to lead a man on and I seriously wasn't meaning to lead Tom on in this most recent instance. LIKE YOU'RE NOT CHEATING AND STILL PLAYING THE GAME WITH ME. You've led me on long enough and have been in my head enough WHERE I DO COUNT IT AS CHEATING. You initially have given me the impression you seem to be more in a more serious objective than having a player's objective. Although I feel like I'm fading into you more, you still don't completely have my trust because of the way you are keeping me played with 2 other women that I can see. ...... I am picking up on your personal 50 shades of gray dominance in the head and as long as it is only about our sex and jealousy, I am mostly comfortable and fine with it thus far. It hurts some when you keep me turned on so much and I know I don't completely trust you. You're not convincing me of your love enough...... About the whole transvestite remark: It offends me. I am not going to be laying my life down for transvestites in general because I fear being called prejudiced. It offends me when people want to treat me or say I have the characteristics of a man. It makes me feel like an ugly freak. I know I saw the Scarlett character in minions and the sellout transvestite fan she had because that's just how much "he loved and obsessed over her." Whether or not you know how under dogged by Jon I was in being called a transvestite I was under dogged that much and mostly because I knew he knew I wasn't going to suck it for him in the most extreme way if my life depended on it. To me, it looked like an under dogging gang rape. If it was a minions scene and your 50 shades of gray punishment and crack of the whip, I can get over it. BUT I'M NOT FORGETTING JUST HOW LOUD YOU WERE ABOUT CALLING ME A TRANSVESTITE. You're not being loud enough with your love for me in another way. I am keeping watch over your volume of love and hate and how it looks not just to me but in front of everyone else. If you keep staying loud with the way you want to humiliate me and not loud enough with your love, I AM NOT GOING TO STICK AROUND. I can't stand being under dogged like that any more and just because you are a more worthy Don Draper doesn't mean that I will let you get away with it. This roller coaster love game is starting to take a toll on me. I hope you put me out of my misery more than what you have soon because I can't stand being too distressed. Woo me and convince me into you more. xoxo

Hi David

Stress stress stress. This weekend really wasn't too bad. I had a really good night last night in making tips and it has been awhile since I've made a good chunk of money. Although in relief, a bulk of it goes in getting my car fixed today. :( Other stresses are student loans that are yet to be taken care of. I think I will most likely be making some good money in this week and weekend ahead. I usually do at this craft fair and I'm glad that one of the days will be chilly. Even though it is very reasonable to be seasonably ready, people won't always buy my particular crafts on days that are sunny. They did at the last festival. Not everything is predictable, but in my experience I can make some better guess...... I finally finished the first DVD of Aquarius. I don't know if they edited the TV version but I can't believe how violent and x-rated some scenes are. I know it is Charles Manson, but the creators really give it the x-rating that it was. I know I'm still not giving Sam, or my brother in law any credit. Some things are to guess and wonder at but I'm not curious to know what their truths are. I think it is a little funny that Charles Manson looks a little like Ashton Kutcher. Once again, another movie where Ashton Kutcher was the bad man. Ashton isn't on my good side, but I wouldn't necessarily judge him to that extreme of an extent. I think when it comes to men, Dane would be more guilty of a Charles Manson than Ashton. When it comes to women, it really should be more women seen as the Charles Manson psycho. Erin, Stacy, Bree Ann, Katie are my personally most often judged as gang rapists with their men. David, you haven't rubbed me the wrong way yet, but if you do, I'd swear at you the way I swear at the rest of the loser rapist men I've had in my life. With Ashton, the most terrible move he made was with Erin in his totalitarian bullshit. Anything I have ever seen in the system or in my head was a deception made on purpose to either "motivate me, or prevent me from committing suicide"(such terrible vanity). While they quit calling me a schiz, it was still a terror to say anything and everything around me was going to be nothing but constant and intentional lies...........Once again, you are the only person I am giving a present credit to when it comes to having some sort of trust in you. The talk about cults and the way I had a time of a desperate need to be rescued... The terror of some of it has never seemed to be gone. In some ways, people have backed off. In other ways, I know I will always have hateful and jealous barbarians who never realized just how hateful and jealous they were to begin with. Some people have long forgotten the basics and have had such a normalized hate that they can't wake up and realize the person they were and the person they still are. I really have felt ganged up on by pretty much anyone and everyone. Yes, I was looking at Guts church as a cult, but they weren't the only named group I was looking at. The totalitarianism was everywhere. I think some of it could be from the military and some of it from various social or imperial groups. It isn't always easy to see where something comes from or what something is. It was at ORU during the time I was there. If it was because of the way I had broken some of the honor code, what a severe hell fire and brim stone it was to have kept me judged, stalked, and desperately accused the way they had. THERE WERE TOO MANY VAIN PEOPLE WITH TOO MANY VAIN BONDAGE GAMES. I know a lot of people were being such pigs with their unfairness, double standards, and wanting to put everything on me. While I was scapegoated, it was so hard for me to find the right person to blame. Some people were easier to blame or hate than others, and some I more than know I was blind sided to that I still haven't figured or found out about. It isn't that I want to live my life to be their scavenger hunt either. I still don't understand why or how I was the big center of attention that I was. I had no other choice than to stay a challenge against their terrible judgment and the ways I knew I was being buried alive over so many things. I have never stopped fighting in wanting to have the most control over my life. David, you have such a good seduction and sense of comfort and trust, I sometimes feel I could just hand most of the control over to you. Like I've already said, I haven't completely let myself go. I've honestly been let down a lot and don't want to get my hopes up too much. When will I really ever see you again? Will you and I ever have a normal relationship? I have my own sense of time and patience right now, but I don't know how long I will be stuck on you until I just give up and go back to square one to wait. All I feel I can do for now is take my time and wait.

I had a good time

Lol. Really, I did. I was hoping you would have thrown yourself on me more but you didn't. I know you were flirting with me and looked in my direction often. MreOW You are so sexy. Piece of meat. (More than that) I like your mellow music. You're the type if I fantasized with, would be the cabin rugged type. I'd be your homebody, and we'd be warm and cozy and lounge around the house all day. Two other characters you remind me of: Huckleberry Hound, Jeff Bridges, and a body build similar to Tom Cruise. You know, I've been called a hound dog before and I understand. It isn't that you remind me of Jon with Jeff Bridges. I like to be comfy, but I don't always like to lay around in bed or have a depressed reason that rids me there. There is rest, and then there is an either uncontrollable or unbeatable depression. I know I hate Jon, but I am naturally attracted to some of the older guys. I don't even remember the song and don't think it is on the cd but you gave yourself a beating in being old. You old man, if you did throw yourself on me, I'd be laying on top of you right now twirling your chest hair, or we would be spooning. lol. I guess I'm really letting myself go in the fantasy dept. You had some emotions where I didn't know or was unsure of what was going on with you. You looked either really sad or really mad with a very noticeable frown. It upset me some to see you look really upset. I know you weren't upset during the whole time. You had some fun songs, and it honestly cracks me up a little to see you get hip or a little cheesy. You're still a sexy piece of meat. You almost look like you had your own loving/ hurt way of saying mercy in one particular moment. I'm not trying to torment you. ...... You and Trevor have the same thing in common: I've only seen you both once in person. It is like once a guy just goes through the system, he's gone for good. Even when he looks interested or has aggression. Video gaming in its own sense, but it is rarely fair enough, or when the guy ever comes back around for real in person. So why am I still talking to you? I just am. I haven't given up on knowing I still want you and wanting to play around more until I have no reason. Guys seem to always want me at the same time or not at all and I'm not even about playing the game or intentionally being a player. Although I have been single for a long time; I'm still the type that wants to find 1 man to stick it out with. Of course more than sounding like a chore, but to have some constant real romance going on in my life. ...... I'm not sure if you and Jon are friends or enemies. You have a lot of oxy morons in your music and you were kind of an oxy moron with Jon. Sometimes, ppl can be led to believe one side more than another, but I'm not sure about whatever association you have with Jon. For the hundredth time, it's always any man BUT Jon. Well, not any, but I'm sure you get the gist of what I'm saying. And no, I couldn't wait until tmw to talk to you. (you'll prob read it tmw anyway but at least it is off my chest).

Back

Man, did I vacation on my vacation. I feel fat today. I just got back from a 5.5 hour drive a few hours ago and can't make up my mind whether I want to go to the gym. Crab legs, Bacon, Fried Plantains, Ben and Jerrys Chocolate Therapy.... I tried Fried Plantains for the first time and they were so good. I did at least get a good bike ride in yesterday. 2 hours, yet I still feel like I gained a little chub. I love Virginia Beach. It was better than what I thought and is such a perfect pick for a family vacation. I wish I would have had both more time and money. There is just so much to do there. There are 2 main amusement parks to choose from on the ride back. (I wish I could have afforded Busch Gardens this year.) I loved the boardwalk. They also had a nice large mall that wasn't too far at all, that I didn't have the time or money for either. We still had a good time with the time we had. I hate to say how much of an embarrassing brat Mitzi was at some times. She threw a lot of tantrums and made a lot of scenes. It upset me so much that it ruined some of our time. She cried when we arrived that she wanted to go home. Although she was still throwing a violent screaming fit of a tantrum the day before we came back, at least she was crying that she wanted to stay at the beach on vacation. At least she was glad in the end after all. I just have to figure out how to end the tantrums and the scenes. Easier said than done. She had the nerve to intentionally get on my nerves too. ~sigh~ I wasn't perfect either, but of course mature enough to not throw a tantrum. Anyhoo, I'm glad to have finally gone to the beach and hope vacation will be better next year.

As the Sarah Turns

I still have Dr. M on my mind. I see and feel mostly good signs and vibes, but I still have my doubts and uncertainty. ... I'm angry...... I'm angry at what a lot of my life story has been and hate that I have to wonder just how much the same violent pestering vain rapist bastards are on my back. I almost feel as if I am being blindly and heavily stalked to be pestered with the same people and problems. They hate my guts for thinking I am too good for them and will relentlessly harass and rape me to death because this is how I WILL ALWAYS HONESTLY FEEL. Why won't enough people catch on to the sore losers and extreme haters that I have? Why will the same people feel they are right to be conquestial over me and control the way I think or feel? Why won't they see the rape and harassment they are already guilty of and the monster they are? Why won't they see the dead giveaway they are? ....... 50 Shades of Grey. I had to watch it. With the job that I'm in; I know I can't keep myself blindsided and ignorant to it. Once again, it always depends on my will to care and/or some circumstances for me to see or include myself in. While there could be 4 or 5 people to have this share, the most obvious character to guess is Ashton Kutcher. Quite frankly, Ashton never appeared to have a dominant sexual desire like that. I could see the way he was judgmental and dominate, but he just never seemed to be sexual like that. I know I have already come across 2 or 3 that are disturbingly like that and that I am disgusted with. With Ashton though, if he were to give himself the credit and go all the way, I think I see his ulterior motive and hidden agenda with Kate Hudson. Once again, I was glad that I was coincidentally in Canada when 50 Shades of Grey was in the theatres. I know I never warmed up to a friendship with her. They both look like they are desperate to protect their dominance more than anything and keep me buried alive. I hate the way Ashton wanted to be deceptive as having some kind of love and affection. He was at least nice enough to model a relationship that wasn't entirely misogynistic. There was some romance, emotion, respect, respectful of choices when mixed with his "playroom," made most of it ok. I deny that I ever had a real relationship like that with Ashton. I think if there were any close match of "Christian," it would be Jon, and he is very far from being any kind of model about it. It is the judgment, verbal, psychological warfare that just makes me scream for him to die. I hate Jon's guts so much. I hate him for the liar, deceiver, and nigger that he is. I know I see Jon for the cold-blooded lying, robbing murderer he was. He hated my real truth and made such an ugly lie and mess out of it that I will never forgive him. I will never forgive him for the way he thought he won and that he and his other fucktard bitches who he let win, win. I will never forgive him. I hate him for the cold blooded violent rapist man that he is, and IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT JON MADE THE MORBID CHOICES THAT HE MADE. I will never forgive him for the choices that he made. I will never forgive him for making me the nigger, underdog, and butt end of everything. He will always look jealous for how much of an inferior he makes out of me. He never listened to my serious no's and never stopped letting people have a chance with me when they never had a chance with me at all. He has the sickest denial and vainness and lies that he has never let up on. It is such a sick hateful coldblooded morbid rape for ignoring me like that and thinking he and his fucktard bitches deserve me. Words cannot describe his deep morbidness. ............ Yes, I feel better after my hateful rant. I don't want to have to think about it anymore.

As long as you're still the same nightmare

You're still a nightmare that is not worth it. I know the note Edward and I left on. Edward was his own idiot to continue to question or test what I thought of the same dumb other women. I take it as you identifying with "Edward." You still don't want or love me enough. I want every last woman you threatened me with and subjected me to, to be made a slave to my and especially your face. WHOEVER YOU AND THEY EVER THOUGHT THEY WERE TO EXPRESS DOMINANCE ON ME. You were nothing but a pig who never had what it took to make me fight for your love. Your women were nothing but dumb savage pig retards who were going to rape me to death with their retard queen complex. You have always been the same nightmare AND I DON'T GET WHY YOU THINK MY ANSWERS WOULD EVER CHANGE. YOU CAN'T CONTROL HOW I THINK OF YOU OR THEM AND I WILL ALWAYS TREAT YOU AS RAPIST LOWLIFE WORMS. If I ever find a man I demand him to be straight and monogamous. It has always been my ideal it always will be. How dare you threaten to keep me played with your dumb savage women. How dare you not give up on me and continue on with your same dumbass game that I've always hated you for. YOU DON'T LOVE ME ENOUGH AND I HAVE MORE THAN NOTICED THAT. ENOUGH IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO ENOUGH. I DON'T NEED A MAN LIKE YOU IN MY LIFE. I WANT YOU TO GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE. MY IDEALISM WILL NEVER CHANGE.

As the Sarah Turns

It has been a rough week. A long week. I know I'm still not understanding someone's structure now and I don't know the extent of its corruption and sense of reason or sensibility. I won't always know how much of a truth I'm being told or how lied to I am. I know I'm probably being lied about and that people could want to give themselves a twisted credit. I was upset a little at just how quiet one of my crush's were. He eventually opened up a little more but I figured out another important piece of info through someone else. He has kept me guessing for awhile over several things and even if we were never in a relationship together; it matters to me that he is on my good side and doesn't go on my bad side. I can't always figure him out or guess him out but I'm guessing that he is sticking with his girl friend. Ho hum. There will always be other fish in the sea. Whatever scattered information, my best stress was that I am the exclusive type. I'm not open, wanting to be bisexual, and/or in an orgy. I know some men could especially want to be manipulative with my job role as an adult entertainer, but it is just that: a job. .... I wish I had more to talk about or more to say, but this is all I can think to talk of for now.

Colin

Colin, I'm relieved that you're not leaving me in the dark or are out to be a prankster to underdog or try to humiliate me. I've had enough of those, and I am appreciative of the fact that you're being straightforward and mature with some things... I'm glad you think I'm cute and attractive. I keep your belly full?! Ha! You can somehow see me when I strip. awe. wink. Although I can get violent, I'm glad you find me to be cute. I don't like being called the psycho or savage one (when it comes from your opinion for now anyway). When I get violent, my violence has a purpose. Still angry about a lot of things... Not sure if anything will ever be to make of us, but I'm glad that I don't feel as alone with Jon's predatory stalking and harassment. I hate him more than words can describe. ... You're not always an easy person to follow and I don't always know how to take you or if you even are directing something at me. ... You would identify me as a "Falcon." You didn't like the American Woman song, and maybe you could be upset at the violently arrogant block Jon and Stacy are and you want to be the center of my attention? I hate feeling a paranoia and wonder of who's side you could be on. I know the way I have been severely wronged and lied about and I'm not taking back anything I've said against anyone. I don't believe you're Jon Hamm. Speaking of senators and arbitrage, I still get a little lost and confused with what could be your random people. Am I really talking to you? Are some people even made to be a senator for you? Besides you not always being easy to follow on your show, I'm not easily convinced of anything in the arbitrage either. You may have to either repeat what you said, or find other ways to say it, or other communication methods because I don't think we're always speaking the same language, or on the same page. .... In another arbitrage state of thought, I am hoping your wife is just her random self, and that you have no intention of ganging up on me in the capitalist arbitrage with other enemies or people I could know. I'm really hoping your wife is a random person to me that I know I don't know and who has never touched me. ..... That is all I have to say about all of those thoughts. I may have had something else to say or on my mind that I've yet to bring up, but for now, this is all that is fresh and prioritized in my mind.

Need more certainty

Oh Colin, where do I begin? I see some different signs and you're still mostly in my head. I am so seduced. Although I think I feel things, I wonder about you more than I know or believe. Are you really jealous of my crush on Chris Cornell? Is it that you honestly do get jealous or possessive or you're being pussy whipped and playing along with me for whatever reason? I find you to be a difficult truth to believe. ...... It feels like we move so fast with each other and it is hard to comprehend and I feel I live in two separate and questionable worlds. ..... I have some fear and it is the arbitrage and giving a kid a piece of candy. My biggest paranoia is with Chris Z. When we first crossed paths over a year ago, besides me thinking you're Jon, I also thought you had a share with Chris Z. I don't give him the credit now, and I know when I look at you, I really am looking at you. I'm just afraid of the credit that people give themselves. I may eventually have more feedback for Chris Z. and know I don't know everything about him, but he isn't my focal point right now............ Incase you haven't noticed Jon and Kim's creeper; I hate the terror that is in my life right now. They have always been the same violent deserving tyrant rapist nigger pigs. I know they think they win in their vanity but they just don't. I hate how suffocatingly vain they are. I don't want Jon in my life and I don't want to have to see, hear, or put up with him ever again. He is a severely sick and ridiculous mad man who knows no responsibility. I can't beat him off of me enough. ......... I don't want to talk about it anymore. I really don't have much else to talk about. I plan on lounging away the rest of this Sunday.

Warped and Brainstorming

Sometimes, an amount of years can change the meaning of a lot of things. I think the most commonly acceptable reflections of a person are from middle school to high school until the person ages to 20 to 30. There are some instances of high school Stockholm's where some people could remain victims of labels or bias; but there was a time when people were more open-minded to understand that the sky was the limits when it came to a person to be becoming of something. In years passing, people seem to be more set in their ways and because people are the official adults that they are, there is usually not the same mind frame of change. People are known to have some kind of reputation. Some people have stronger predictabilities from making the same choices over time. While people can still change in later ages, and that people should be open-minded in spontaneity and changing or evolving into something else, it seems more that people get stuck in their own predictable statistic....... While I could relate this generalization in a number of different paths, I'm being relationship minded right now. And even more specifically, I'm thinking about Jon. I know I am not talking to him directly in this blog and am making him a third person. However, this is still between just me and Jon. Jon has kept me guessing on several different occasions. While I feel I have sometimes figured him out, and that he is sometimes aware and additionally continues to feed me on the way I have figured him out, he sometimes seems to have this fight or problem that I don't have him figured out. It has been a long game and death match to me. Suppose Jon has been dead set on having me this whole time and that he owns up to his entire Stockholm and that his intentional purpose of it and leading me on was really because he seriously had to have me and seriously end up with me? Suppose that were the case. Of course he had led me to believe otherwise with several different women from time to time. What I continue to remain upset about is the choices he has already made. WE DIDN'T COME FROM MIDDLE/ HIGH SCHOOL TO ADULTS. WE WERE ADULTS TO ADULTS. If he is seriously set on wanting to win me and my heart, what is to say of everything? What is to say of the way he had always handled me? He put others before and above me. He sometimes does not want to give up on the comparisons and the gaming of it all, when who I was and am as a person was of no competition in the first place. Is it that he is being a true narcissist and he feels so much pity on me that he gets in his aggressive pursuits? Does he not understand that the approach still has no real love? I don't want him or any man to be with me because he pities me for his self. I know I have cried for a pity fuck before, but not one from the same man who broke my heart. I did see a sign online awhile ago of his and Bree's violent vanities once again on the same rampage of belittling me and pitying me. Even though Jon may be presently staying more isolated with me; does he still think my life is his and Bree's (or any other sick rapist god complex bitch's) life for the taking? He seems he feels misunderstood in what his motives are, but his actions still have yet to prove me wrong about anything. Why does he continue to keep going nowhere with me? What is it that Jon can't get out of himself? Does he have any kind of message at all? When he has been a Smith this whole time, he wants to fight to be called a Jones. (I am a Jones).