Hi David

Stress stress stress. This weekend really wasn't too bad. I had a really good night last night in making tips and it has been awhile since I've made a good chunk of money. Although in relief, a bulk of it goes in getting my car fixed today. :( Other stresses are student loans that are yet to be taken care of. I think I will most likely be making some good money in this week and weekend ahead. I usually do at this craft fair and I'm glad that one of the days will be chilly. Even though it is very reasonable to be seasonably ready, people won't always buy my particular crafts on days that are sunny. They did at the last festival. Not everything is predictable, but in my experience I can make some better guess...... I finally finished the first DVD of Aquarius. I don't know if they edited the TV version but I can't believe how violent and x-rated some scenes are. I know it is Charles Manson, but the creators really give it the x-rating that it was. I know I'm still not giving Sam, or my brother in law any credit. Some things are to guess and wonder at but I'm not curious to know what their truths are. I think it is a little funny that Charles Manson looks a little like Ashton Kutcher. Once again, another movie where Ashton Kutcher was the bad man. Ashton isn't on my good side, but I wouldn't necessarily judge him to that extreme of an extent. I think when it comes to men, Dane would be more guilty of a Charles Manson than Ashton. When it comes to women, it really should be more women seen as the Charles Manson psycho. Erin, Stacy, Bree Ann, Katie are my personally most often judged as gang rapists with their men. David, you haven't rubbed me the wrong way yet, but if you do, I'd swear at you the way I swear at the rest of the loser rapist men I've had in my life. With Ashton, the most terrible move he made was with Erin in his totalitarian bullshit. Anything I have ever seen in the system or in my head was a deception made on purpose to either "motivate me, or prevent me from committing suicide"(such terrible vanity). While they quit calling me a schiz, it was still a terror to say anything and everything around me was going to be nothing but constant and intentional lies...........Once again, you are the only person I am giving a present credit to when it comes to having some sort of trust in you. The talk about cults and the way I had a time of a desperate need to be rescued... The terror of some of it has never seemed to be gone. In some ways, people have backed off. In other ways, I know I will always have hateful and jealous barbarians who never realized just how hateful and jealous they were to begin with. Some people have long forgotten the basics and have had such a normalized hate that they can't wake up and realize the person they were and the person they still are. I really have felt ganged up on by pretty much anyone and everyone. Yes, I was looking at Guts church as a cult, but they weren't the only named group I was looking at. The totalitarianism was everywhere. I think some of it could be from the military and some of it from various social or imperial groups. It isn't always easy to see where something comes from or what something is. It was at ORU during the time I was there. If it was because of the way I had broken some of the honor code, what a severe hell fire and brim stone it was to have kept me judged, stalked, and desperately accused the way they had. THERE WERE TOO MANY VAIN PEOPLE WITH TOO MANY VAIN BONDAGE GAMES. I know a lot of people were being such pigs with their unfairness, double standards, and wanting to put everything on me. While I was scapegoated, it was so hard for me to find the right person to blame. Some people were easier to blame or hate than others, and some I more than know I was blind sided to that I still haven't figured or found out about. It isn't that I want to live my life to be their scavenger hunt either. I still don't understand why or how I was the big center of attention that I was. I had no other choice than to stay a challenge against their terrible judgment and the ways I knew I was being buried alive over so many things. I have never stopped fighting in wanting to have the most control over my life. David, you have such a good seduction and sense of comfort and trust, I sometimes feel I could just hand most of the control over to you. Like I've already said, I haven't completely let myself go. I've honestly been let down a lot and don't want to get my hopes up too much. When will I really ever see you again? Will you and I ever have a normal relationship? I have my own sense of time and patience right now, but I don't know how long I will be stuck on you until I just give up and go back to square one to wait. All I feel I can do for now is take my time and wait.