To Do

I could really make a lifetime out of a to do list. This is probably one of the more boring blogs because it is about my personal little world. I was thinking of some past goals and still have them in mind depending on how time and money goes. Speaking of, I am so happy and relieved that I finally have a job. While this job may cause some new stress in my life, I won't have to worry about a lot of the old stress and depression. I will do everything in my strength to keep this job as long as I can. Keeping some other thoughts to myself about finally having a steady income...
With just today, I have accomplished quite a bit of my to do list, but it isn't completely done yet. I need to work on some more crafts. I did get a good hike in today. It was so humid out and hotter than I expected. I am still aching. I think that was one of the toughest workouts I've had to do in awhile even though it was just a long distance walk. I experimented with a new meal today. I'm happy that it turned out well. I think if I had more ingredients and it was all in equal proportion, it would have been better, but it still turned out pretty good. Too much pasta. I'll have enough leftovers to last.
I'm mad that I can't go to the flea market tmw. I need as much spare money as I can get. I have one of the bigger festivals coming up in just 2 weeks and I want to make as many thinks as I can, but am more limited with money for supplies. Because I have a job, I will probably look into going to another festival in November. Hopefully I will be able to find one where someone will be lenient with the deadline. Usually, you have to plan months in advance. Matter of money.
My parents are on vacation for this entire week. It is a little nice to have the house to myself. Well, my sister is here too.
While the relationship has continued to be dysfunctional and abusive, I can't help but tear up sometimes. I continue to grow more cold-hearted because they leave me no choice with the way they abuse and make effort to control me. They both said, "I love you," in such a sincere way before walking out the door for their vacation. I think as they are aging, they are also dealing with more health problems and I can't help but have some pity for them. While they correlate with being one of my Gadaffi's, they are still my parents that I have a little bit of a heart for.
It looks like there is still a big road ahead of me. Or maybe instead of a big undiscovered road, the environment will be a blinded Gadaffi camp. Some people want to kill me or just harass me to death. Some people want to make such a persuasive suicide speech for me to fulfill. I have to watch for the lifeboats and if there would ever be a such thing as a new safer environment. I wonder if my life will always be rigged due to the special interests of the wealthy class.
While some people are so anxious and on edge of my love interests, right now my mood swing is not sweating it. I don't mind being single. A depression may hit me on occassion, but right now, finding someone is on the backburner. I have my own priorities that some people want to control and manipulate for the sake of their own comfort.
I think that is all that is on my mind for now. Back to crafting.........

Big Tymers, it has been real and it has been real fun. I'll probably still listen to this on occassion because I like the sound and the tune itself:



I think this is actually a wierd video and a funny connection, but yay for working.
We can't forget working now can we? Unfortunately, sometimes it isn't in anyone's control. But glad I can find work for now. Forget the ho's: the man-ho's. Again, not all lyrics match, it is the gist of being content to have a job.

Only So Much I Can Do Being Poor

I did get out a little today when I took a hike and sunbathed. I saw a few usual harassing and stalking foodstamps and spit at them. (I really did). ACC teachers, Denny, and a random couple. I think one day, people will see more truth of what I really think and feel, but I'm usually buried under so many rumors and suffocated by arrogance, no one takes the time to think what I could be thinking. I never wanted my mind to be read all of the time, but if people want to make an issue or complaint with concepts of communes and/or isolation, its something to think about.

There are some random people in the system that I wish I knew more and was in my reach a little better. I wish communication was better, personally between us, clearly understood, a sense of equalness or civility. I want to know some definite names. For the people who like to continuously roll with entertainment, that is the main thing I need a break from. Entertainment does have its own benefits, but I'm tired of relationships that are entertainment. I never made that choice. I don't know why some people still want to take advantage of me in that way. I don't understand how some people could be so heartless to use me like that and leave me poor with unemployment. Some old questions still havn't been answered yet. While entertainment and relationships can be used together; my main complaint is being used in entertainment. Other people may be victims of entertainment along with me, but I'm tired of how it somehow goes with me.
For some clarity, my old neighbor in W.V. Ryan B, no. He was only a neighbor and a friend. I do not want to be in any kind of romantic or beyond friends relationship with him. I'm just not into him like that.

I have a feeling that my life is going back to the usual system and socialism I have been hating and complaining about for the longest time. I think I have another carrot this time ~for motivational purposes~ I'm not necessarily trying to insult him, I'm just fed up with the system and the routine of it all. I have made that complaint even years ago. MIA is still one of my favorite singers to this day. And yes, I have noticed some acknowledgement, but nobody is changing or fixing a damn thing about it in the worst way. Actions speak louder than words. The only actions were to actually acknowledge and announce my scream and make entertainment out of it. There is no tangible change.

As for the recent Dane drama. I'm not asking to be mothered or nurtured by anyone. If anyone dared come close or test me (depending on who it is and predictable motivations of people), I'd punch them in the face or starve them from any satisfaction.
He has stopped making arrogant comments and hasn't really done much to provoke me. In different media, there is a little siding with me to view him as Gadaffi. (When people are for or against me, I still say people are entitled to have their own opinions and thoughts). I don't mind people agreeing with me sometimes. There have been no more names given of the group of predators who are sexually abusing me. I label it as a Russian abuse in that it is a cold war where nobody can be charged or even fairly charged or fought with because there is no fairness or evidence. I'm not even trying to provoke to be tested over it more. I'd still say the abusers deserve to get shot. Someone did mention police brutality, but I don't honestly know if the local police would really do that. How is the justice of it all really taken care of? How could some people know, yet do nothing?
I have been seeing more hints of people, and more hints of crime. It seems with the things that I can't see and where I feel left in the dark, that greed is winning. I just don't know the details. I think there are only bad intentions. It is hard to approach because I am in the dark with a lot of things and feel I am being distracted from the truth with such a chaotic life. Sometimes, there is bribery. Other times, the evil intentions, lies, hate, and chaos of other people happen. While it makes no sense to me, it bothers me that there are a number of people who may be aware of some things, and I hate how my vulnerability of it all gets abused.

I have been thinking about Amish Jim lately. He wants me to. I think he has some sort of agenda going on. My guess is that he has issues that I'm not as dependent as he would want me to be. He has made so many insults and actions of rejection and hate, I don't understand why he would still even act interested or want something from me. Today, the media did have his family talked about. I just don't understand what his persistence is, why he would still want to harass me. Most men usually do end up thinking I'm gay because I'm not dependent or aggressive enough. I simply know when I'm not wanted or where I have been violently rejected and don't understand why I should even question an attraction. It doesn't make much sense to me. Sometimes, I can be a little more persistent with guys who havn't been so violently rejecting or insulting, but I go through periods of giving up and wondering.
I WILL NEVER BEG.
PERIOD.
Maybe he has issues with my pride even though I'm bankrupt. Maybe he thinks the usual systematic thing to do is beg or be aggressively desperate. I just don't. I'm currently denied, but I have had literal foodstamps and unemployment before. I just don't beg. I feel with how life is, it is choking me and violently demanding to beg. Sometimes, I don't even know who wants me to beg to them. I can just tell someone wants me to beg to them. After some things he has already said, and if he was getting jealous or competitive with other men, how could he think he is any different with harassment? If he has this superman or philanthropic mentality, how could he argue? I really did have the hots for him at the time of the fling. He's just been such an asshole; I don't understand what the purpose of his persistance is? More than half the time I don't look if I see a sign somewhere. Other times, I do get curious. He's too distant, so much of an asshole, and there is just too much missing where nothing makes sense. I think he is just another person who wants to B.S. me and mess with my mind.

Can't help but get a predator grip

I wish I knew enough to get a better grip and find ways to do more damage.
I'm angry and I'm so fed up with this shithole life.

So what makes me any different than my other predators who all end up with the Gadaffi label?
I wasn't initially a Gadaffi.
I took so many other choices of action compared to the other Gadaffis.
Gadaffi just won't change, go away, or take no for an answer.
I may have different tactics and moves, but right now, it seems the only thing people have been operating with is violence. Nobody is going anywhere with me, and I can admit that I'm not getting anywhere with anyone either.
I don't think most Gadaffis will ever come to terms with their realities. Instead, they would rather unintelligently rant and ramble and be aggressive to save their own dumb fat asses.

I fucking hate life.

I think right now, all Wisconsin connections are being Gadaffis with "maturity," and it doesn't even matter what I say. "They're the rubber and I'm the glue." I can't wait until a real smart person steps in. I can't wait. I feel so insulted by what I'm forced to lose by.
I have ideas of people who talk. I don't know for sure. It is like losing to a tabloid. People don't even ask. They don't even take the time to get to know me. They don't even test a person with any sort of intelligence. This is such chaos.

Speaking of Wisconsin, I am going to go with some hunches. Amongst so many talkers, I think one of the main ones could be Brandon B. my old neighbor in W.V. In my side of the story to describe his reputation with my own personal experience, he really is a talker. He is a major provoker. I'm really not surprised he is in the military because of all areas to have skills or talent, he is definitely the violent fighting type. I bet he has the most professional skills in making a person's blood boil with provoking techniques. He lives to be under people's skin and piss them off.
Maybe there are other people who use him to test me to see what I would do and test how violent I would react to his violence. not sure. But when it comes to talk, he is another tabloid with the purpose of provoking and pissing people off.

In a side trail with how assumptions are made: Just because a person is capable of pissing another person off, does not mean it is love or even lust. Just because there are reaction potentials doesn't mean anything. It is possible that a variety of people are capable of knowing what makes other people tick and using it as their own corruption or tactics.

I'm sick of Dane and people like him giving themselves so much credit just because they get hateful and aggressive. It is only a tactic of action. I'm fed up with how arrogant people get and how high of a pedastool they put themselves on just because they make aggressive actions. I'm not impresssed, inspired, or even challenged. Violently challenged, but not intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc. challenged. I hate how high of a pedastool some people put themselves on with violence or even sexual violence or sexuality.
Motivated to keep myself from having to put up with it.

People could say I talk too and it is fair to say. But if people really want to take any kind of talk seriously, I am so disgusted at how much it is unprofessionally dealt with. I am so disgusted at how I am treated and that I feel that people don't know me at all. Even if a person did want to be serious and have a discussion in a completely fair way, it is still MY CHOICE whether or not I want to give any info about myself.
I don't see professionalism, I see tabloids and chaos. I also see emotionally reckless and aggressive people who really have no clue what they are doing. They are not in a calm state of being where a job is seriously trying to get done. They are in an emotional state of being where most really can't handle it.

When I exploded, it was years ago. I am so sick of people desperately coming up with the dumbest excuses to make me the scapegoat, victim, underdog, person who is "responsible or to blame."
Sometimes, I can complain about some people being obsessive, micro managing, anal retentive about some things. It is not necessarily meant to be deragatory when I sometimes make complaints. It is meant to say I think some people are a little obsessively psychotic and overboard. I have had moments of sexually offensive talk; sometimes I can't help but take myself to the offensive level of other people. I'm not always strong enough to ignore. But, I wouldn't describe myself as purposefully being sexually offensive on a regular basis. I'm still offended at sexual correlations, assumptions, how some people feel entitled to call the shots in my life and tell me who I'm dating or married to. Even more ridiculous bullshit of specific people or things said. I'm tired of people writing stories of how I feel. gungho for anorexia.

I can own up to my own emotional rants where it is my own personal life and venting where I am outside of a professional environment. IT IS MUCH DIFFERENT.

But, I'm just sick of some people holding grudges the way they do. The list goes on and on with unfairness and double standards. I could talk about it all day. When I hold grudges, I at least make every effort depending on the setting I'm in, in keeping it that way. I don't think it is fair to be fired not just for sexual discrimination or personal issues, but it also isn't fair to be stalked in every place to be set up to fail because a person can't get over it.

As angry as I am, I will not let one of my rules break about controlling people's emotions and telling people how to think or feel about something. People are entitled to have feelings. I'm just sick of being expected to be screwed over for the sake of how someone may feel esp in the workplace. I'm so fucking sick of the riggings, socialism, and corruption. So fucking sick. And still fuck the Bright and Shiny cult.

I have seen several random foodstamps of Robert Kiel. I was in a psychiatric drugged up state of being last time I came in contact with him, so I don't take it so much with what I said to him. He is another person who I think wants to kill me and is obsessed in both being for and against Asians. He is obsessed with knives and excuses to kill people. He has violent, seriously degrading inhumane, victimizing, demonizing, harsh judgement over the "Mo," issue.

I can't think of any other names or people right now.

End of week thoughts

Today was a good and bad day.
Horrible because this is the only day of the week I have a chance of making money and there was a strong forecast of rain, so I never went and didn't make any sales.
Good, because I finished off a website for my crafts anyway to have another route to make some sales.
I'm so mad because the day looked like it was determined to rain with how it has been raining, how dark the sky was in the morning, how the trees looked with the sky if it were going to rain more. It never rained even one drop.
Still, I finished my website.

I was surprised to see a person come out of the blue this week. I see him around every so often. I have a hard time trying to figure out what he is all about. He could definitely be a major puzzle piece. He could also be a new, unfamiliar, and most likely some sort of dark game where he may just be pure hate or something to figure out. I have a feeling that I'm not unfamiliar to him at all. I remember in my diary days several, almost 10 years ago how much I screamed that stalking doesn't count. There is a difference of chemistry in personally stalking someone and interacting person to person.
In recent times, because I've grown numb in a number of ways, and that time can't be erased, and nothing may ever change, Luke isn't the Superman he once was. I'm not necessarily screaming for a white knight, but Luke who comforted me with the 4th ammendment and rights to privacy, just isn't a Superman anymore. He is a hot memory that I treasured at the time. If I were ever to meet Luke in present day, it would be a completley different story and scenario. The subject/bait of privacy just wouldn't be gluey that much. It would be trying to get to know each other in a completely different way. I'm not saying he is or isn't interested. I don't always believe everything I see or know what to believe.
Back to the previous guy. I think I'm going to get around to look around at past things people have said and check out a few shows that have already passed by that I never thought would have anything come about.
It's nice to still see that Carter guy. He usually has a video every single Sunday. I feel I've been given more reason to be egocentric with him and that it is all about me when he has his video postings. Not sure how to completely get him yet. How symbolic his numbering may be, the details, and how he really may be trying to get a message across. I feel a little challenged to up my mosaics a little. It is money issues because I can barely afford my crafting materials. It is also a sense of self-possession because of past grubby people who wanted to tell me how to do my art work. I hate the way it gets complicated when some people observe me and assume and I think its just asking for another oil rig when I have to suffer at the arrogance of other people. I definitely need some sort of new clay or plaster. I think he called it something with an "M." I figured since it is already a decoration, I shouldn't worry so much with what my projects are purposed to be: decoration/art.
I also have a new place that is definitely corporate that I'm interested in applying to. I guess my fear this time is my usual stress and agitation even though it already feels it is siding with me. The agitation is being pigeon-holed and not getting enough breathing room and having assumptions made and words said that I can't do anything about. The typical systematic ways of doing things. If they want to give me a chance, why shouldn't I do the same? I have a list of places I'm going to apply to for tmw.

I always feel overwhelmed even when I don't have a job. So many things to know. Being poor can stand in the way. So many things to be agitated and frustrated with.
I am going to be ok.

Personal Letter

Dane,

I really do understand the art of vagueness. I understand wanting to get a message across but also knowing that some things need to be vague. I am not a fool to the trap of being "delusional," or "delusionally paranoid." Other people may be fooled into seeing it that way.
You are simply at the predator advantage. I don't know how long you have been stalking me. I don't know the initial motive or reason you have to hate me or be so predatory of me. I don't know your whole story.
I question your cattiness of having some shares with either my old Pastor in OK, Bill S, or if you knew me in my younger years with my neighbor across the street Bill? I really feel wierded out right now with where the capitalization rests and is rooted. Who is the ultimate representative? How much of an actor are you? What is it you are trying to say?
I have taken note of the recent piece of news with Jeff the polygamist. I really was never out to judge you or even thought to wonder if you were guilty of raping someone underage in a serious way. While I see so much shit that gets said about me, I really wonder if some karma or matrix man is burying you under rubble and making you vulnerable to bad judgement as I have had to experience. If I had any control over anything that happens, I would be evil and make you suffer the pain of the exploit. Do I believe that you are Jeff the polygamist? I really would have a hard time believing it, but I'm more sold on you have a bad drug habit and are my specific hardcore stalking mysogynist.
As for Bill, the next door neighbor.........???? I do see the sexual abuse in Wilfred. If my old neighbor really is responsible, I would want him to be charged for it. I think people are getting more and more desperate and ridiculous.
As for taking the show? Some scenes are extremely disappointing while other scenes I can't help but laugh. I take the character of "Wilfred,"(Jason) with humor mostly but there is some condescending head nods as well. I question if people are looking at me as "Beth." I have another guess of who they are accusing of Beth, but if they are pointing the finger at me, I'm seriously offended that I'm being lied about.
Anorexic.
Gotta love that boombox.

And a different random thought. I'm not surprised at how you reacted to Louie. You're technically the one to screw him over by stealing some of his jokes and you manipulate the situation into him being the one who is at fault or the bad guy. Yes, you really are taking advantage of your wealth. Are you really going to feel achieved or accomplished later in life with how much of a dog you are? You don't care about buying yourself a name with taking advantage of the fact that you have wealth. My look of judgement really isn't about being a copycat. Most often, I think people get obsessed, ridiculous, and obsessively inadequate when it comes to competition of credit. But some people can be right sometimes when they do accuse another of robbing credit or being the copycat. I do believe some people can have the same feelings about something and sometimes people will even be obsessed with judging others in how they feel. I hate that I get vulnerable to so many obsessed inadequate judges. It isn't about specifically being a "joke thief," it is about you being a dog, being manipulative to beat yourself out of being the loser in your world and taking advantage of your aggression and wealth.
While you may be the bigger predator, and that you'll most likely manipulate me into being the loser and bad guy with the public world, I am taking some notes of the kind of person you are.

I am also being convinced more and more to keep giving up on people and that you are never going to let me go and my life will always be screwed over for what you do and how you manipulate.

Don't know if I'll cover every one

Wow.

Is it my new contact lenses or what? No. stupid cheesy phrase.
Just watched the movie "No Strings." I think I really mess things up when puzzling Burmuda, although there was extreme obviousness. Some thoughts I keep to myself. Some thoughts I'd like to think about more. Other thoughts will have to wait another day to unravel.
I will randomnly say it has been so long since I've had movie theatre butter popcorn. I think I've been keeping up well with my diet lately, so a food splurge from time to time won't kill me.

Continuing with other thoughts..............

Always plenty of reasons to be anxious............

In thinking on general terms, even though I think some things have the potential to hurt my reputation a little (slutty rep), I really am happy and grateful for what is suppose to be the modern day dating perspective. A thing that is easier said than to try to explain with other experiences. Seriously, I know there probably are plenty of women who experience stockholm, but as in a general overall view of the rest of the population? How many people could to some comparison relate to my actual life and dating scene? Things get complicated. Despite some loud media attention, things are not always what they seem. Even in the media, things are not always eye to eye or of an agreeable perspective. Anyway, it is a thought that I have out there. I get a little bothered/disturbed/even scared of polygamy, swinging lifestyle, a serious but twisted not really seriously loving relationship..........
That being said, whatever reality is going on in my Burmuda, I give Ashton a said gratitude of being an influencer of how many different unique modern day relationships have an idea of looking like. In comparison, it really is less judgemental than other real life occurences .............

Other thoughts are political and out of this country.
First off is actually in relation to Italy. Silvio Berlusconi. Here is a recent article: http://feeds.bignewsnetwork.com/?sid=735273
Even though I am presently against being judgemental, I'll be a said devils advocate of being judgemental. This example is a reason of previous said fears of polygamy, swinging, and twisted relationships. He is Italy's ultimate leader. When there is serious competition in relation to love and relationships, that is Italy's ultimate example and leader to follow. Italy is known for some communism and tyranny although there may be some liberals. Think about the reality though. Do you really think the rest of the Italians will probably be in monogamous committed relationships? Do you really think the men would have a committed reflection? I seriously doubt it. Kind of like the old Bracelet "What would Jesus Do?" The Italian men probably wouldn't even give a second thought after the already long leadership to think of "What would Burlusconi do?" It is hard to imagine what the writer wrote when Berlusconi was going through his orgy saying: "Next one." It chills me. Of all the judgemental people in the world though and all of the reasons to judge a person. Especially when Italy points the finger at others for being "trashy," I don't break a sweat to say, you can have all the class in the world to say "next one," but still no character. In addition to my general begrudging, I am seriously mad at Unga Bunga. It was an innocent fun game my sister and I played as children. Some really sick and twisted individual perverted it into some stripper group. I am so disgusted at the idea and am even more disgusted at any perverted accusation of my sister and I.

I'm really not in the mood to talk about love or serious relationships right now. It is just a debate of thought.
If there is anything that can give my mind some alleviation, the Dead Weather has been a wonderful band to jam with recently. (no relation to parents either in "no strings." is some twisted pervert is going to throw another accusation.



But yeah. Another thought with the band is further elaborated thoughts with the news. I eventually want to find a man who will take me for worse or better. There is too much harassment and enough is never enough. I have been so fed up with all the sexual harassment. My new namecall and label is "that one must have the ideal Hitler body to achieve anything in this world."





Borat agrees!



Despite real life discrimination; I think Sacha is funny. Still a little confused with the latest Bruno (who I believe Medvedev secretely shares a connection too through rumor).

I'll just continue to say I have yet to officially find my way. the right way. Not sure if I've found the right one, but if it officially happens it officially happens.........................
Not just discrimination with men but discrimination in media in socialism and in workplaces and supposed job opportunities.

That was actually a lot to unload.......... I think I'll have to wait another day to share more thoughts.

Pre Talk

I have yet to see the last episode of Apprentice or even watch YouTube.

I've already "been fired," from the show, so no future surprises were really surprising. I feel I am experiencing more provoking and feuding though at the end.

I hate being on bad terms with people, but I feel the need to keep my ground and remain standing.

Extent is the keyword. Job description is another key word. This means that although I may be the loser, I still have boundaries and my own territorial view of myself.
I'm upset, because I think I've already experienced enough Tyranny and extreme issues of control where the word "boundary" seems to never had been read from a dictionary.
I know there is always a structural/systematic rule that was used against me for the fact that I drink and let loose.

It is what both makes me angry and even more disregarding. I am once again being manipulated in how to live my life.
No, I havn't even been to an office party nor even have partied with them outside of work. Setting is the factor. At my literal job, no. I still have yet to figure out this setting. But even at my literal job, I'm mostly anti social and still won't be told how to live my life outside of work.

I am not going to throw drinking and letting loose out the door just because some people want to use that against me for their reason of not being impressed.

I would rather just let them talk and simmer than change myselt to be a people pleaser, conform, or competitively up moral standards and feud over being a black sheep with people. I just don't roll that way. I live my life the way I want. People can be impressed or unimpressed.
After everything I have been through, I consider myself to have lost no ground. I know what I have experienced, I know the abuse, riggings, and manipulations I go through.
I still wish people would just admit that they don't like me and label me as a free thinker. They could even add on with other adjectives and adverbs. I'm just sick of either being set up to fail or called inadequate when I really think there is more to the issue than meets the eye.
The difficult thing is the varied and numerous groups I have been through. Not every group I have been through is the same. I still feel like a lot of people really do not know or understand me. I still remind so many others that we see the world differently. I do feel very rigged and manipulated in so many instances that I've lived through and that I have experienced additional abuse in a lot of situations. Again, it is what I decide of when how and who I want to express myself. There will always be exploiters who want to exploit every details. I will remind other people though that there is a difference between an exploit and a personal shared expression whether it is a sincere choice or forced way of getting me to talk.
So, how do I conclude? I continue with my life the way it is now. If I have to remind people of what my views are, or my up to date thoughts or opinions of things that matter, than I may say some things.
Until then, I press on to the future, and continue to look for ways to be more preserved, and throughout the tricks and trials, learn from my experiences.