Thoughts of the day

Jack, so I'm not always sure what you're thinking or if there are any truths when my mind gets toyed with, with people in the arbitrage......Some signs have always been questionable.... um anyway... What main frame of thought do I have right now? While I feel I have a lot of your interest; I still feel hit with some negativity. I was thinking about "The Rose with The Broken Neck," song. Do you really see yourself more as my enemy or an antagonist than being warm and as my protagonist? Do you really feel some kind of hopelessness and immediate regret in the possible thought of "giving into" me? I've always had a main impression with you being more on my side and as a protagonist, and it's always a given for people to have their own personal list of likes and dislikes for another.... Do you dislike me more than you like me? I have one idea with your antagonism (and I've seriously been sick with how much some men have obsessed over the breast issue and how far some have gone in wanting to harass me) but you seem to be more of a quieter gent about it and I seriously don't see you as bad as some womanizing harassers. After being made to face some harassment and love/relationship ultimatums; I will never get a boob job in this lifetime. With some guilty by association with Wayne, you make yourself questionable, but I know which way you mean for me to take something right now. (Wayne did have a time of being a sexually harassing murderer and was even marked as a murderer in someone's made up arbitrage for the sake of Bree Ann). He has also either realistically dated Stacy or they were an arbitrage item at one time. I have just always known not to trust Wayne. I think he has a thing for me from time to time, but I identify him more as a gangster enemy. Because of this example and other random people, there is always more of a story about you to wonder about. What are all of your connections and what are they supposed to mean? What past stories have you already lived through? I've yet to know how you found me out and why you would notice and pick me? In regards to the Dr., is it just that you have your own way of expressing your anger and jealousy, or do you have any real friendly connection with him? I just can't make some men understand enough how much of a deal breaker it is to go for me after being guilty by association or having already betrayed me with an enemy. What an insult it was for him to think I'd be willing or easy after being betrayed for Stacy, who he already picked first. And, as I've already said, you're still my first choice. I know I'm not understanding all of your anger and I'm wondering have you really already gone there with the issue of me being a stripper? Am I really underestimating how possessive of a man you are and that there are things about you that I've just not processed and comprehended? I have been looking for another part time job that pays decent enough but am just stuck in this job for now.... I've had you on my mind and am in wonder with all that you've been thinking and feeling....

Random Thoughts of the Day

Another day, another dollar. I'm growing a little more anxious in the job search and unsure of what I'm going to do. I've started some, but havn't gone ballistic with it yet. I'm anxious and actually excited over one part time job. It looks like the most convenient job I've seen yet: transcription writing. It is a stay at home job that has the most flexible availability and definitely guaranteed to make money. I want it now more than I did when I applied. It might be different once I get going. I don't know the pace of it or just how many transcripts will be available. It seems like it is vast where I wouldn't have to worry about it, but what if it is too staffed, or business is slow and there aren't many things to write? I'll find it out if I get to it. Speaking of that, there seems to be more and better stay at home job opportunities. Most seemed like a scam before, but once getting the feel of an idea, and especially when I'll be able to afford to move out, I love the idea of having some kind of stay at home job. Any stay at home job is starting to become a dream job. I've noticed some availability is more structured than others. Not all stay at home jobs are the most flexible and do have structured hours. It is still convenient though. ... I plan on working the night job no more than four months from now. I presently have a slow paced work search, and anxiety levels come and go. It will be a big deal when I eventually will be able to move and the job choice that goes along with it is greatly important and adds on to the reason to be so anxious....... This coming up week... I'm so excited for Mitzi and I. We're going to go to the Great Wolf Lodge and it looks so fun-packed. I won't have to feel like shit anymore after all of the trips I took, and although it puts a damper on my finances, it's still more worth it to get out and go on a trip with Mitzi. I'm hoping for a decent dream vacation with her in the summer, but it just depends on how everything works and how much closer I get with a move out............. While I've mostly been quiet about the election, I think I'll finally put my 2 cents in. I didn't vote. I am a libertarian, but I didn't vote for Gary. I think he wants to threaten me, and furthermore say: "I dare you to vote for me." Regardless of Gary I remain a libertarian and keep it only as a personal issue with him. I'm sure he's included in some of David's arbitrage and wants to be a dog for David. I didn't vote for either Trump or Hillary and feel sorry for the both of them. I feel sorry for Hillary because she didn't win, and I feel sorry for Trump for just how much of a negative criticism is out against him. It's not that I'm innocent of criticism against Trump. Maybe Trump faces another kind of capital punishment of a pig and this is Trump being thrown under the bus. Maybe he was forced into the election and forced to win to have to endure the pain of leadership and/or putting his money where his mouth is. I really think there are some good things about Trump, however, I still think he is a corrupt man and I really was surprised to find out he was a republican and not a democrat. The thing I wouldn't be surprised over and more of the worst to happen would be him picking his beauty contest winners for members of the government: the congress, the courts, the senators, or house of reps, I bet he'd throw the actual qualified people out and pick beauty contest winners. I seriously do think he has a prejudice with beauty queens vs. women who invest in some of that but more. Sure, the beauty queens could get an education, but his prejudices would be preferential for the beauty queens despite the qualifications of others. I wonder what he is going to do with his business. How is he going to manage all of that? He has a huge business. What about "The Apprentice?" Besides being corrupt, I think politics is so much of a different field than business and this is why I could see him as being thrown under a bus. He's always been attracted to power and wanted more power, and the power he wants could be his own poison. Maybe Trump will prove everyone wrong more than anyone could know. Maybe he will keep people shown up. Maybe he will be a shallow fail. Who knows. I don't want to be a constant critic, but will hold my tongue and wait.....................Now where to eat tonight. Chilis has a good fajita special going on but I could get a dinner/drink combination for a little cheaper. what to choose what to choose. .......

Pamela Pamela

Although I feel I could have "Pamela" written on me with some men for life with the way I have been set up to fail and made to be a provocateur in some instances, I guess I wouldn't entirely label myself that. I feel beat to death at sometimes more than others. It isn't that I feel beat to death by you. Your Tommy Lee doesn't entirely make sense to me. I also see Zack as a Tommy Lee in his own way. Travis Lee, what makes me your Pamela Anderson Lee? Is it your jealousy of me with other men? Is there seriously something in particular that I've done to you where I really do still have "dead meat" written all over me? Is it something in your lust for me? Am I your mom or the one who makes you feel crippled, or you feel provoked by either question either way? Your thoughts matter to me, and your choices in life and wanting to have to have me may have some kind of serious effect on me eventually. While it's nice to feel seriously wanted, your sex still isn't safe enough for me. What real effect are you going to have on me Travis? Stop cutting off the things I need to know. I'm not your slave. I'm a person who still has a will to care about my life and my emotions. Polarazing Polar Bear / Pamela / Polarizing Polar Bear/ Pamela. I know I'm not polarizing enough.

As the Sarah Turns

I'll start with Jack. I still feel led on by him and am glad. He could feel more "coupled" or "married" with another. It is either Candra or Kendra the playgirl. .... Not sure with some arbitrage gossip. Maybe he is jealous of my Selma oil and wants to just see me as Blake and not both... I saw "Savages" once and it was so violent to me that I blanked out in certain parts. I was pretty mad that they would make it look like I would even "mother" or "care" for Stacy. It was someone else's revenge in my blindside for me. Some mockery against "Wicked." It wasn't that it was weed that I was being violent for either. I already said there was some truth to the movie, but not the truth. I mean to be over most of it and hate to feel forced to dwell on it. .... I'm a little lost with you Jack, but not too lost. You're still pulling me in and keeping me around and I'm glad....... I'm not sure what to do about Zack. He has 2 forms of aggression right now, and I don't want to test just how serious he is in not taking "no," for an answer. I think it is both David and Zack who especially want to compete against my "Ferdie Ferdinand" David is being an impossible and intentional nigger and maybe Zack is a little warmer than David, but I still say no to both. ...... Jack, I'd care to wait for as long as I could. You already have some way of having me won. Have a good weekend

What's a Girl to do with Travis?

While I am wanting to keep your weeds pulled out of my garden; I want you to know I do have some sadness about it. I think you know I care for you some. ... I think I'm your Pamela Anderson, and you have your own playful roughness. (It isn't that you never offended me the other day with your intentions. I know Paris really wants a lot of satisfaction, but it came more from your end with your own cover up later with the dangerous driving) She doesn't seem to understand what it means to provoke a person or when to stop. But it could have been you paying someone to act her out... Travis, polygamy and open relationships seriously do not work and will not work with me. I think I could give myself the credit for being a silent and strong woman who is being unwilling, but Master Travis isn't giving up and doesn't want to get even rougher because it could hurt him more for the way he has to hurt me. lol I'm sorry, but you crack me up a little. How could I just deny my own emotions or lust like that? I just do Travis, I just do. I'd rather not go further, knowing 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, 1 year from now MY ANSWER WILL ALWAYS BE THE SAME. How could I call it all a waste of time? While I can't completely trash you yet; you most likely will be eventually trashed. You might resent yourself more than I will. I already have my own benefit of knowing I can't resent what I'm not responsible for. How can I resent you when I know I've told you "no.?" While you seem to be attracted to me in more than one way; I think I could really guess at one reason why you are attracted: I am your tool against Erin and Stacy. The movie, "Me Before You," is probably you being raped by one or the two of them. You understand what it means to be "crippled" by someone and understand what my confident outlook is against the rape of forced bondage games, forced restraint, forced correction, forced dominance that you seriously can't do nothing about or have control over. Maybe you had some sincere emotions for them at one time and may be fed up with their rape by now and want to use me as your weapon tool knowing you understand that I understand what rape is. I would be mad if you did choose to make me the main character against your cripple. I'd call it unfair and inadequate judgement... Mama slave Sarah. While you could be trying to play it safe in your own way, you should be careful how they could want to make you look with a terrorizing food chain. Stacy especially is prone to giving herself a dominate credit she doesn't have. I wouldn't slave mama around in certain circumstances and settings. They really would kill to kill with their vanity. Therefore, you should treat me more like a mom than a slave. I know you like having a playful imagination with me as your Pamela in ways I guess are over your possessiveness or jealousy of other men. I probably led you on a little more by me recognizing the way I could be your tool weapon mom, but I really mean to say "no" to you. I don't know the reasons why you want to take it further with me, but I don't think you should take it any further.

As the Sarah Turns: .......Jack

Jack,.... Sorry if I'm a little pestering with all my drama but I really have got to throw myself on you. Part of me feels like a heartless murderer, but David should have thought more during the numerous times he was being one. If we're going another Harry Potter route, Sharon Osbourne is another "Horcrux" of Davids. Aka senator, doll, spokesperson. As much as I hate some Don Draper communication, I have had my moments of letting myself laugh anyway. But, it's really not as funny anymore. There are certain ways I hate feeling sexually harassed and certain ways I hate feeling ignored. I had some rage in my head earlier with how much of a thoughtless Ike Turner I think he is. I could identify myself some as "Karen," but I feel like a Tina Turner more. It's almost like he feels he has the Karen concept mastered to make the next woman understand "been there done that." There were times of being on and off with him and I especially hate looking at his Hank. If his sex addiction were a food addiction, what diet would he ever put himself on? He couldn't go on a diet if he tried! He'd be one of those 500 lb. men who can't even walk around and has to sit in bed. If he were walking around, all you would hear would be : "woo a cupcake stand," "I see a Cheeseburger" "Pizza" "Bacon" ... I feel so ignored by David in many ways. If I seriously sat down and wrote a list with just how many wrongs he has already done, it would be very very long. He was already past the point of no return. I can't fathom why David would want to stay in a relationship with me after saying the things he has already said. WHAT MAN IN THEIR RIGHT MIND COULD EVER EXPECT ANYTHING FROM A WOMAN THAT THEY HAVE ALREADY SEVERELY LET DOWN? AFTER HE HAS ALREADY PUT OTHER WOMEN BEFORE HER? AFTER HE HAS ALREADY MORE THAN DEVALUED HER? HE IS SUCH A PIG TO EXPECT ANYTHING. But that's a thoughtless Don Draper for ya, to snap their chauvinistic fingers around like nothing is on them. While I feel I am already putting the knife a little more deep into David, I feel I could drive it in deeper with: "This is what it means to mean what you say when you dump someone. This is what it means to stop playing someone. This is what it means to cut someone off and make it the end of relationship that it is." It would be rather cold blooded to intentionally include him in this conversation I'm having with you. He's never known what it has meant to stop playing someone. ....... Enough about David. I had to let myself vent and scream a little. Jack, I honestly don't know if we would ever work out. While I can't make a full fledged Draper snob out of you, I'd still probably refer to you as one a little because of your real class of wealth. Your Draper story is different. Most Draper's are already programmed to be forced to wait or be aggressive for. You are more of a play it by ear than a program more than anything. It's a little more difficult in spending time with you. Some programs are the reasons some conversations are made. By programs, I mean tv shows and the most random scattered media that isn't always easy to make the most sense of. Some cats and senators are part of a program too. I usually don't trust all of the "sent it" "senate" people. I know I'm made to question who I'm talking with, but it has always seemed sketchy, shady, and more questionable. I don't know why people send people to do another person's talking. I've always had a problem with it and the way the structure works. I seriously can't have a problem that I know of with the actual lead singer of the Dead Weather. Another favorite songstress of mine is Kelly Rowland and and the song "Representin" I like some of her other songs too. Kelly and Luda have it right with "Representin". I'm sure a lot of celebrities have their own take in talking to people outside of their class, but is it really that much of a problem to have a personal conversation with someone. I've come across a lot of celebrities that are so dominate in conversation; I just don't understand if they realize how dominate, impossible, and sometimes way too snotty they are? What's your take in to talking to everyday people? While I can't completely hate your Draper, you do come across as a similar dominate communicator. "WE NEVER SAID WE WERE EQUAL. WE NEVER WISHED TO BE SAVED." lol ahahhaha! Oh Jack, are we both always going to be on each others other side of the world?

You're still my nigger

David,...... We're still not on good terms, but sometimes I stay in my own up to date leisure and keep you informed. I havn't liked the way things have been looking in my blindside for a long time and not knowing for sure where some attacks come from. I can't get over how much of a bully you are. You're your own paranoid, mean, mostly dumb, and evil hater of a man. I'm seriously not impressed with your Homer at all. Your ugly brings the ugly out of me. Intentional test or no test, what did you expect? I know you probably do feel insulted at just how much I insult your games. I think your intentional stockholms will always be this neverending motive of "whatever makes you feel you have me beat." Just find a more straight forward way to say the way you want to take me for what I'm worth and save yourself some time. You'll take me for what I'm worth either way. You're a bully with a sick motive. Half of the time, I really do take your mind fucks as begging, but sometimes it seems you turn into this violently egotistical and maniacal vain pig "begging isn't what it means at all, baby." I don't really know how to explain you or your possible violent and hateful sadism to myself. ........ I'm almost finished with Californication. I made it to Season 6. What a sad song ending at the end. I have further comment on that and your rampant sex addiction, but I'm going to wait until I finish all of Californication before I make my own commentary. ..... While you make me your mutant retard for Gillian one minute; you make her cry another minute when you're still sleeping with and fucking around with me. Today is another marriage proposal for Gillian...... I just started on Aquarius yesterday... Just in the knick of time before the first episode was taken off.... It won't make a difference whether or not I'm late on catching up on Aquarius. There are so many more numbers of ways you're way too late for me and my will to care. Once again, I share quite a few characters. Grace looks like she could be Gillian that you're keeping me lied against and date raped with. Grace was the one I was originally guessing as Angelina, but you're probably still fucking around with her too. That was an interesting way to make up my jealousy against Gillian. While you may be wanting me to be a dog chasing my own tail in keeping your Don dogged and her as your Betty, it is another mean act against me. I hate your lies, games, and bullshit. You probably do want me to go the route that you direct as Sam's ex wife. ~shaking my head at your games~ So who is Charles Manson supposed to be anymore? He doesn't look like Ashton Kutcher. You might as well use his character as Jack's scapegoat, or whichever one you want to be jealous over. I don't like the way I'm being looked at with Emma either. I know I originally confused Charles Manson and Jeffrey Dahmer but it was Charles Manson that I was using to rip on Maggie Bell at one time. She is another guilty rapist retard bitch that you could want to rape me for. I saw what you did to Stacy too with Manson's red-headed newcomer that he met at the dumpster. So, I'm supposed to be mistaken about Stacy? It doesn't take away the rape and Scottish dominance over my life she has already committed. You still had no right to threaten my life for her white trash rapist shit. I know I'm still your underdog in several ways and I might as well be talking to a brick wall when I keep you in my dog house, but you being in my dog house IS SOMETHING I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHETHER YOU ACT IT OR NOT AND DENY MY CREDIBLE TRUTH OR NOT. You're still my nigger.