Thoughts of the Day

It's actually been a long time since writing my last blog. I could say it's neither good nor bad. A large amount of blogs I write are due to some anxieties- and whether it is the meds or me having a better sense of calmness against urgent anxieties- it's been awhile since I've written a blog. Maybe it's just part of the death and dying process. I would like to live a longer life but whatever amount of time I have left on this earth. I used to be a little brag of a blogger but just could not let myself brag too much over blog writing. .... At the age of 37, I'm living in a very pressing year of my personal life. Whatever I choose to do over the next year of my life is vital and will effect the next decade more of my life. Whichever road I take, even if I make no choice to do a thing, will have more turns to take no matter what I do... Decisions, decisions... I still have a good number of things I'm mad at and feel I should never even have to be made to be mad over for that long. I think the factors that kill me the most is on top of some actions: the denial in some people and the way I feel such a loss of connection in what some realities are to me that other people won't realize, recognize, understand, or see eye to eye with. There may be actual truths, facts, or knowings with some people that I may never see, get, or realize on my own, but it doesn't change the way I feel a severely mistreated person at some times more than others. There are times that there is such a lack of shame when it's not denial. I think the denial is worse.... Life in the pandemic. I definitely struggle some. I can admit I was struggling a little financially before it hit, but the pandemic makes things so much harder. I was even wanting a stay at home job before the pandemic too. It's been mostly reluctant with a reel here or there. I may be getting at least a part time one soon. Most are finicky and not easy to thumb through. Some require specific degrees. Some you have to have 2 frickin monitors. Some are just finicky over the computer tech and I'm not the biggest techi. My laptop is 10 years old. I pretty much have to buy a new one if I want to pass a computer test for a basic close to minimum wage occupation. Some are finicky with phone lines. I could go on with a few more sentences, but on my end, getting a stay at home job is easier said than done. I envy the ones who have one and who have had no trouble at all in landing one. Although I have cut back on the hours and number of rideshare calls, I just can't stand to listen to another rider talking about their stay at home job. A lot aren't the most satisfied. They don't like to be home that much. I can't stand being home in just a couple days of quarantine, which is my next real struggle... Everyone gets paranoid over any cold and flu symptoms. I have been in quarantine 3 different occassions with Mitzi and they were never full quarantines because we did not have the Covid, thank God. However, unless a person does have Covid, most aren't entirely saved financially. I still have to take a lot of time off of work and lose hours but I still don't get covered in any of my jobs unless I actually get officially diagnosed. If I did get covered it is a freaking process with anything! Even if I had to file an unemployment claim which I did much earlier over babyitting issues and I had to wait a month just to get some kind of letter in return (I still never approved but I tried to do something). I don't think it takes as long anymore, but there is still a wait issue with a fraction of what I would make. By the time a person gets some kind of check, they would be back at work again if they were only off for being just sick. It's a good thing though for people who keep running and I give them kudos. Some might not get away with it if they wanted to stay off longer because specific questions are asked like that: "were you able to work if you could?" "why not". I wouldn't have too much of a lucky break if I was on unemployment and make more most of the time and am better off financially when I'm not in quarantine. When it was my occassion to be sick, I really thought I had strep, and although I assumed right that there would be consequences of going to see the Dr anyway, I was still too scared not to go to the Dr. Strep hurts and can get worse. I was mad though. It's almost like you can't go to the Dr's anymore if you feel you're a little worse than a common cold because it only takes 2 symptoms for a Covid suspicion and then you are damned to a couple of days in quarantine until the lab frees you again. It's not worth it for me to be in quarantine! It is nothing but a punch to my wallet. I have to go on several work binges from time to time and work binging is the only option and although I can be unfortunate, I am fortunate to have the ability to put loads of work hours on my plate when needed with the couple of different jobs I have. I am blessed in having that ability. Of course, not in quarantine. Until I can land an at-home job. ... My little rant about the pandemic and having things on my mind.

Yesterday's Continuation: A little mess to clean...

So, the main fact is, I was being stared at by someone or many people on msn. It happens all the time. There are time I think I get stared at on a daily basis. Sometimes it is Kavorkians, other times I feel I am being supported. And then other times, I know I am being stared at and tested in a dominate way. They could still be in the Kavorkian category, but they are so vain that they wouldn't even see theirself as a Kavorkian. They rob me like they are the real leader, and have all the glory and credit in their egocentrism and are my master. … I sent a message to my present guy this morning along the lines of: "Do unfair isolating Russians mess with you R!*k%? I get messed with. Is there anything in particular I should believe about you?" And left it at that. To make a long gibberish short, he pleaded "not guilty." He didn't own anything that has been happening on msn. It is all denied. It was kind of a "what are you talking about?" scene. I wasn't cornered into schizophrenia, but I told him it was like explaining "The Chronicles of Narnia," to him. I was both mad and relieved with "Well R!*k% I guess we don't have any connection at all"....and then my next stigmatic step was my whole shpeal about lying. I told him that if he had anything to get at or for me to believe this was pretty much his chance. I have had guys make me take the fall or kill before for their lies and that if he is lying to me, I'm not taking the fall for his lies. Back to "there was no connection with anything being said on msn or in other Narnia worlds." So, what have I decided to do? I'm staying a sucker for his sweet talker. He keeps me sweet talked and remains a teddy bear. … This is my stare off right now. … If I had to assume who my usual suspects are, I would guess Jon Stewart and he is someone I did recently see on msn. It could be Don Jr. or Jimmy Kimmel and Stacy is definitely portrayed as someone hovering over my life like she has me stalked, owned, and terrorizingly out-faced. Like my life is hers up for grabs. I still havn't been arrested yet Stacy. So whether or not the cops have their own childish and stubborn "I'll arrest you when I feel like it." I'm not being arrested. I think someone was smacking us both around with more bullshit on msn like my debt is the reason I should have to put up with such a dominate bullshit and harassment. She was yelled at over something stupid too. Once again, more drama is happening against my will and my respect. I've had a firm choice and answer, yet I was forced to be faced with more provocations with her and other people. I'm still too blind for more than half of it to know where it came from. It mattered more to me to try to interrupt whatever stare it was and create an awkward moment with my present guy than to feel in more of a severe terror and threat that I am once again continued into the same terror of being robbed and murdered by someone's totalitarian dominance and damnations. Whether or not I was going to lose him, I had to break over whatever terrorizing stare was to my face. I can't stand the threat of being lied to and against and robbed in a never ending way like that. I'm sure the terror may happen on occasion but the serious threats and person who keeps threatening my life in the same ways needs to be found and severely punished. I want them jack-hammered to my face.

Must I remind you?

I have my own personal complex that comes with a lot of issues of which I know I have many. … I had a cop in my car yesterday taking an Uber ride. We briefly talked about several subjects, but when we came across one in particular, I was so upset that a blame game had not come to rest. It was in regards to refusing service for a ride. The cop said: If I wanted to stop and kick some people out in the middle of a ride, I could. In my mind's eye, it was a feed to a threat of my willing/unwillingness. It was someone wanting to put another person's responsibility on me. In the most of my fairness, some people are dead giveaways of being some out of control drunkard that is asking for it. I haven't dumped anyone out of my car yet, but when someone is being out of control, I'm not going to be judged or held accountable with whether or not I will dump them out of my car. When someone is already an out of control mentally unstable savage, there is still a risk to me whether or not they become a savage sore loser throwing some kind of fit or threat against me for kicking them out. I am one who people tend to take hostage and I will not be accountable to the hostage taker. Besides the dead giveaways is where the rest of THE MAJORITY IS: People WHO ARE NOT OBVIOUS ENOUGH AND HAVE NO FAIRNESS. Not all people. When it comes to the category of kicking someone out of my car, the majority of the people in this category are Russian Muslims who have no fairness, keep me in restraint with their forceful and domineering mind vices, and act like they have me owned and are possessive in some way or another. There is no fairness to the actions of some particular people. THE LAST TIME I DID CRY FOR HELP TO A COP'S FACE I WAS TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL AND CALLED A SCHIZ. There are numbers of times I have wanted to go to the cops and call out more particular stalkers and say them for the murderous stalking chauvenists they are. While I know I have some distance security in whatever socialism it is supposed to be, I still have no fair sense of security where I can feel safe in telling a cop about particular people and Russian Muslims AND WAYS I KNOW I CAN'T PROVE THEM. THERE IS STILL A SEVERE AMOUNT OF UNFAIRNESS THERE AND I WILL NOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE. Besides being judged in some worst stupid crackhead ways, I can't stand being judged and made to be responsible over the things a hostage taker does. I had to get that off my chest.

Random Thoughts, and Dangerous Burmuda Man

If there is any wind I can catch right now, it is really wanting to run a marathon. I've been hesitant with a marathon tomorrow because of the weather, but I am deciding to pass on it. I have still donated but have to skip the race. It would have felt better to run, but I can't run in a colder and rainy weather like that. Along with my daughter I have a mild asthma that I know will spike. There are more marathons to come, but I hate when I say to myself: "there goes another marathon." …..Burmuda Man Brock Cop....There are just quick blink and miss moments I think I see sometimes. I can't always hear or see everything. The message I am given is very blotted. I'm still not sure if Brock and the Cop are one or two people and this is another reason why I am in such an agitated anger. Cop, I'll make another part of your UNFAIR RUDEASS DRONE quick and simple. If there was any man you need to protect me from, it is "the father of the virgin suicides." He is found in many and needs to be treated to the abusive, tyrant terrorist that he is. I hate being forced to be molested and called incapable. If there were any more criminal of a man, that tyrant molester is the biggest criminal. When I talk about the arbitrage of Goat Man too, he is very similar in some ways, but it isn't that he is a molester like that. Goat Man has some recognition to give. I become more of a statistic to my pain day by day, but it isn't drugs that I am looking for. When I talk about Goat Man, he really is another psychological terrorist. He is a dominant tyrant man who has his violent mind set, and when I refer to goatman it is a man who makes a woman scream because he has such a serious dominant mindset wanting to overtake his victim. I know in the movie, it appeared him as a drug lord more than anyone, but with me its more about the psychological terrorist he is and Brock Cop, that is why I put you in his category in some way anyway without you being the fairest of them all...… SPEAKING OF FAIRNESS. I would like to believe Brock and the cop are the same in some ways but its almost like they are two different people. YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU DO TO ME WHEN YOU ARE UNFAIR. Brock, I was still calling you a drone in some ways, and extremely cold and scary you were in those times, but you are the one who talks to me in real life. You or the cop has breaking in my head AND SERIOUSLY GIVING ME ANOTHER MESSAGE. Well, not entirely, it is a sex addiction you are forcing me into, but I feel more of a kindness and respect. Its like Brock was giving me a confirmation one night, but if you are continuing on with me Brock, you ARE LIVING IN TWO SEPARATE AND UNFAIR WORLDS. You are still in my square one and deserve to be treated like a muslim with the rest of everybody. You just don't understand what your unfairness does to me. I love it when you make me feel you are holding me and giving me light caresses in some ways. I love that you understood something simple: not anything is fair with anyone. I love and hate that you are forcing me to have a sex addiction for you. But when you won't have me to my face and in person, it is such a null and void with everything. I am a sad woman who can't beat the number of sadists in my life. I don't understand your will to care. I need more of a connection. I need more than sex. Right now, I am more inclined to go out tonight and keep myself distracted despite the terrorizing odds I have in my life right now. I can't win and I can't lose in going out. Part of me wants to push myself in finding someone to sleep with. It would be nice if you did come my way Brock Cop, but if you will always be this unfair mean drone hovering over me and giving yourself too much of a dominance, it will eventually be much easier to push myself to go home with someone else. Right now, the sad victim of a song I have in my head is Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock "Picture," because you've been on my mind all week. I want to be over you but you won't stop keeping me.

Isolation

So, I'm not putting the biggest Muslim on Oprah or much blame on her for blocking my twitter account. I'm sure she isn't the one who is the tweet reviewer. When things happen in my Bollywood and Burmuda, they do. As much as I hate the way my life gets set up to be intentionally raped with regulation, I don't expect social media groups to have access to everything with everything regulated. … I really do have a lot of appreciation for Twitter in making me feel I have a little bit of a voice in the world. Even though I feel I get ignored often; I at least know I did something about my tree falling in the forest and still making a noise. I like facebook some but it isn't my main social media outlet. I really live in a paranormal planet. Speaking of, it was nice to have some acknowledgment with the Louisville mascot and someone knowing Muir plays too dirty... I don't mean to add more insult to injury with the way he looks like the mascot. I've considered something he said a serious beating and I've already taken more than enough of a beating. When people don't want to listen; when people don't want to stop, I just shrug my shoulders guiltlessly with the punches I hate I had no other choice to give. Whether or not I made him cry or feel injured, take that. It's so sadistically sick with the way some wife beating men will intentionally make me cry for my respect. I'm going to let it go a day or two to delete my tweet to get my account back. I want to keep my knife held in just a little longer with how much I mean I hate his rapist actions and threats. I really don't know how to this day I get thrown into Bollywood and whether or not a man makes a choice or someone chooses someone for me. I know there is some entity who can oversee some things that happen. I would guess it to be the military or a wealthy person who controls some militancy. Anyway, I don't understand why I keep getting outnumbered with the same similar sexual assaults. I hate the way I get cornered and hurt. Why am I not protected from some people enough? I've felt extremely hated on and hurt in some particular ways for a long time and I will never understand why I have always been treated to such an extreme long brutality and totalitarianism. While I believe I have some strangers in the world who know what it means to walk in a two way street with a consensual and more of a fair chance for each other, there is a dominance- sometimes strange, that won't stop standing in my way. I don't know who keeps controlling the brutality but I really hate whatever it is that keeps forcing me to take the same worst blows. While I can't prove how severely battered and stockholmed of a person I am, I know I still am. I feel I could just naturally die sometimes but I can't stand the thought of Mitzi being left alone. Someone should have kept their rapist and arrogantly vain "master" (sarcasm) mouth shut a long time ago but they never stopped and they never will. I hate that someone won't stop forcing the worst despair into my life. I don't like putting thoughts like this out on facebook because I need a real professional and not random or closer and direct people I need to be heard from. I just can't stand something about the way I am being isolated right now. I can take it better sometimes more than others but right now I am way too on edge....

On your toes for me?

Are you emotionally listening to me by taking 20 steps back of being fatherly to me? ~swoon~ Yeah, that recent video clip was some kind of sign. I can and can't live up to that brief message. I just have my days and everyone has their days. I'm not looking to bicker or criticize you or anyone in particular: with me it is about being real and having a free emotional expression. It isn't fun to be around people who are constantly negative or in the dumps, but the people who stay positive too much I find to be annoying. It isn't that I would ever force someone to let me in, but sometimes the ones who are positive too much don't look like they always have the best grip on reality. They sometimes seem a little fake like they are obligated or in fear to look or act as if they are the most happy. I don't like the "most happy" ones who push me around because I'm not the most upbeat and like there must be something wrong with me because I'm not always bouncing off the walls. Have you ever seen the movie "Bubble Boy" with the "bright and shiny" cult? It's the newer old one. …. yeah boat 15. I've had these awful ugly souls of a demon seem to be severely and dominantly predatory with me for some long time. The demon of Wade Hayes of the father of the "virgin suicides" of Calvin all rolled into one wanting me to die a miserable death in a lonesome Stockholm basement. Django's "Calvin". The demon Father Wade Calvin will pose as not having a clue about whatever it is to know better because just like the devil he lies and has the worst fugly denial. A slight edit of a swear word but that Father Wade Calvin makes me so angry sometimes with the way he covers his crime and treats his crimes like its no crime at all. The lying devil... Oh boat 15 you will have to strengthen me and give me more sight if you carry that one's demon. Of course that isn't what the devil would do, but I can trust you to be more than the devil right? Please don't tell me Father Wade Calvin was your intention of making me CRINGE?? As much as I need you to be my missionary we could have a same conflict of neediness of a missionary. The song "cringe" just sounds like nothing but a cry for help. I'm sorry you could be someone who could be more obvious to guess at. …. My other thought. I really don't know what you could be getting at with the last tweet when you talk about unfairness. A person can only take so much boat 15 and I need you to have some sensitivity to that too...Passing the test and doing the right thing and God will make it up to you... (it's almost like you will have a share with god and treat yourself to your manipulative complex) You making fun of me with the way I was always making fun of men like you? lol Well boat 15, I don't understand what test and whatever it is to pass your test and I can't make promises with whatever is the test and whatever is passing. If you wanted me to do something, you aren't making it clear at all what it is you want me to do at this time. (right now is the moment you can make me up with a blow up doll). Boat 15, it is mean to give someone a false hope and make them believe they are loved enough and will have a tangible and real relationship when it will never happen. It is mean if you belong to that team AND IT IS SOMETHING THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO GIVE SOMEONE A FALSE HOPE. PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO NOT JUST LIE BUT LIE WITH SUCH A SERIOUS HUMILIATION AND DESTRUCTION TOWARDS A PERSON. Boat 15, if you know there is something you know you should know better than, THAN I HOPE YOU ACT LIKE YOU KNOW IT AND KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO ACT LIKE YOU KNOW. For goodness sake, if you mean to be an intentional joker to me, what did I ever do to you? You that mad in whatever way I shot you in the crossfire with Tom?

Dead Giveaway of a Personal Terrorist

You must have felt too murdered by me Dan, and couldn't stand the way I would or wouldn't even look at you at all.......As I assumed Jack to be Josh; I assumed you to be John Atchison...... Summed up quick facts: You have the voice of John Atchison in your own way. You were one of the worst life threatening and terrorizing "As If" cut throats. You are the voice of another goat man who wished he were my master and thinks he "understands me for who I am." I don't know if you caught that I was laughing the most at your "I bet my life on you," song but it really made me wonder if you were using yourself to make fun of John Atchison. Your first most famous song "It's Time," literally made me cry. Sorry for the way I can only be brutally honest with you. But it was more emotional and psychological terror of another dry rape. John was another chauvinistic cut throat idiot that already put me through his worst ringer and then put the bad guy control freak on me like I wanted to keep him and change him. Through you, he was nothing but an as if cut throat liar. "Demons," made me feel molested the most. Personally, I hate the way people throw that word around in their most ignorant way because they are that desperate for a knife. I'll call it another cut throat "as if I were still there for John. As if I looked up to him or were ever going to look up to him." Dan, whatever tag team you are with John and the kill you can only take with him. And to top it off, back the "I bet my life," song. I responded to the song with MIA's paper planes, "seriously I wouldn't bet my life on it John." He is another man who is extremely vain and a high complex for his authority where he only talks to me in a subjective under toning god complex. It's another reason I call him a jihadist or Muslim because he has such a cut throat hateful degradation. But once again, the song lies "As if I had no self respect. As if I were always available to him and would take him back at any point." With that song and the demons song, "as if I always felt inferior and that he has had me beat." You were a big man who made me feel lied against and buried alive with John, Dan. There was a lot of emotional and psychological terror that came in the lyrics with how you would make me look with him. While you don't appear to be the most angry as an ally with him against me; it is as if now you feel some kind of remorse, as if you must be mistaken, you must feel very challenged, and you want to show me up and prove me wrong in some ways.............. While some arbitrages can be confusing; I suggest you be most protective of my truth and have some fear in misrepresenting me. I would suggest you come up with your own spin off of Nine Inch Nails, "There is no you," but you did want to hurt me for yourself or could have been another that was too vain to understand the terror that you did bring on me. Dan, I don't know your why's and why you made some of the music you did. I have identified you as a terrorist in the past. I really do like your newest song "Whatever it Takes," but it is still awkward to let myself like it. You have me turned on in a way with the way you want to show me up in some way, but I don't believe you are sold on me. I think you might want me because you know you can't have me and are on of those ones. It's not ok to play games with credibility with John Atchison. I'm not letting him have the credit with the way you want to come on to me and turn me on. I may have already turned you off with how bossy and resistant to you I still am, but I'm not sure what you are always going to be thinking and feeling on the inside. I hate to lie, but I wouldn't have been able to lie to you if I tried.