As the Sarah Turns: huuuh and ouch

I am taking a hit right now. I really did already feel overfucked in the mind and needed a restful breather and especially after running a personal 5k. I feel in a position to have 2 masters and I am afraid. ouch. I'll talk about you guys before I get into the other ones. Maybe it is a little bisexual now and a little bit of a threesome. Maybe David is wanting to give me up, but I can't trust that yet. I still have to call him master for now. Travis, I'm really not happy with the way things have been going with David. I don't want another Jon, or Dane, or David to eventually include in the list. Some guys will always want what they can't have then rob the bitch. It wasn't that I was totally ignorant when looking at a Don Draper. When the Don Draper makes the choice to go for me; it is on them. Equality is not just a suggestion it is a YES YES YEEEAAHYESSS! I hate that I have to say that for myself and I hate that I have to call you both "master" anyway. Travis, right now you have a blank slate with me and I know I don't know much of you. I've already gossiped about and said things to David's face. I'm so heartbroken over his unfair stockholms and just how violently mean he gets. I feel like he is desperate to rob me more than anything. I can't make some men understand enough how lethal some of their words and actions can be. David is too mean and insensitive. I really don't know why he wants me or wants to keep me around after saying some of the things he says. He has been a little more quiet for some period of time, but I still call him master. It's almost impossible to stay out of trouble with David. David, I think you are sick and insane for the way you intentionally leave me to hang without answering any of my most imperative questions. I don't feel won or like I have David won. I'm mad because it seems we are back to back with the waiting game and while I'm waiting for his answers, I feel like he waits for me to compromise and I've been pretty upset about it. Whatever his "what you see is what you get" suck its are; I tell David to suck it right back. I won't suck that dick for the dick that it has been. Travis, if you are meant to be another matrix reoccurring "Mr. Smith" of Jon or David's and want me to settle for your bigamist, the answer is seriously "no" again. Travis, I am hurt by you and the way you're not controlling your lust or possible emotions anyway. You are adding onto my drama. You break my heart. I really want you to leave me alone if you're going to be another problem. I even know that no man can serve two masters including women and there is no wise choice to make in this scenario. ............ The brave Travis that made a very obvious person to person and out of the mind several passes at me today: He could be someone I could consider. I don't know how much his truth is of Travis Pastrana's, but this particular Travis made a friendly impression on me. He has a kind way of throwing himself on me. One major thing against him is that he looks like Ryan/ Herman. I could never see myself in a relationship with Ryan/Herman. He has been a friend at a time, but I just don't think I could ever have feelings for him like that. He looks a little like Dustin Bosley, and I would consider Dustin to be a Russian for his association with Erin. This specific Travis really doesn't have me a lot, but he could be someone to consider. Maybe I am being given another loud secret that Travis Pastrana has some responsibility in "rigging" things. My rig complaints have been seriously negative rig complaints. I don't know what Pastrana's specific riggings are. I hope things won't be awkward when I see the other Travis again. I have some appreciation of his kindness but I can only want to take things very slow with him........................... until then, this is my soap box "dog food" at this time.

I know I deserve a better respect

You have a lot of nerve to keep playing me off and ignoring me like you do. It's going to be your own fault when I make the juvenile, snobby, and immature stranger out of you that you are. The "Pamela Adlon" role looked obvious enough, and so did your affair with Stacy. I don't know whether you have a recent one or not. I remember the sadistic and chauvinistic comment the creepy Sam boy made in regards to Stacy. I know you're being an unfair jealous creeper and the immature way you keep playing it all off is making things worse and me more angry. You're still desperately wanting to prove I'm too naïve for you aren't you? David when you're being a nigger with me and in your nigger land; you should start thinking more in how I perceive you and recognize that once again you're your own fool. Who were you ever to think you should control the things I think against people? Who were you ever to think you had any worthy fight or challenge against me? You're being nothing but a shady fascist snobby pig with me, and I know I deserve a better respect than that. I'M NOT BENEATH YOU OR YOUR BULLSHIT. I'd have more respect for the man who would look at me to say: "Yes I am here to rape you in the worse way to your face. I'm your Ike Turner juggernaut, bitch! I don't know who you thought you were ever trying to kid when taking me on with Stacy, Bree Ann, or Erin. You've been such a COWARD and a child about it that doesn't know how to take being confronted by me. I can't stand the way you would keep playing your shady game and expect me to be just peaches and cream with you. You're a fascist creepy stranger. I deserve an explanation as to why you would trash talk me with Pamela Adlon in Californication. I do assume it was your gangrape for Stacy, and as long as you keep snubbing me the way you do, the worse things are and the more of a juvenile and nigger I see you as. You're a fascist child. You wish you could keep putting more things on me to make me your underdog. I have no idea why you would still want to care about having any kind of relationship with me when you get like that. I still have other reasons than that to stay angry against you.

Red Gray

Some questions answered, some not. .... Media homework talk: I still think you're shady with the gay issue. Maybe you are and you mean to be in the closet. Maybe relationships with women matter more. I didn't like whatever that article was supposed to be with Steve the other day. You might think I'm over sensitive, but I feel insulted and embarrassed with you being a foul mouth with me in front of everyone... I know I'm supposed to be locked up in your gray right now. The whole Tomboy thing. Maybe you do get jealous over the way I sometimes dress. Maybe unless you are with me, you don't want me going out in public looking so nice. You expect a pretty domestic faithfulness from me when you're still cheating on me in the background. I've already cried over being your Coco, and I hate being Coco more than anything. It matters to me to feel the most loved and put first when I'm in a relationship with a man. It is so selfish of you to want to hang onto me and want to keep me with your "she'll do" vibe. You make up my mind for me. While I have no plans for another man yet, when I jet, I really know how to jet. You helped me jet from Steve to you, but until I feel I can jet, I won't. ...I like to get out on occasion. I sometimes like to dress up and look pretty and feel attractive because I can. You havn't been here with me and it isn't fair for you to have such an expectation when you know you're not even around or even in my life.......... Rachael Ray. (In a quick note, I havn't always been thrilled over Rachael Ray because she sounds like Maggie a little and reminds me of Maggie a little)... Anyhoo, in those dating plays, I know you were keeping me played with someone else. It was kind of funny when they played and made me up back against you with the older couple afterwards with Kathy and her guy. I'm still not friends with Kathy, but some people want to be there to support me in some ways anyway with: "we're watching you, David." Although I'm a rat in some right (still not knowing all the other women you keep me played with) My submission and geisha is what is perfect FOR YOU. You at least have some love for me and in me being submissive to you....... While there is some affection and love, I don't feel loved enough and feel sorrow for myself. I'm really upset. Being Coco is one of the meanest torments. While I may not be a match enough for you; I believe there could be a match out there who would have a serious appreciation of me. I can't believe Janet Jackson got herself pregnant at her age. I hope all goes well with her pregnancy. ... Until you let me go, I can only keep being submissive because I can't take your reds and your violence. BTW, you're still too much of a snobby Don Draper for me. This is another factor that makes me make up my mind. Why should I care anyway? Because if I'm forced to be in some kind of relationship with you; I can't stand the status quo of it and the way you think it should be normal and acceptable when I think it is inhumane. Maybe it is for the better when I shouldn't get led on to you or stuck on you anymore than what I am. Maybe you being the same Don Draper is for my better to be ready for my next jet mode.

company

Just finished watching Steven Colbert's episode. I wanted to approach you with a crying hug but that terrible song at the end kind of killed it. ick. Despite your gay come on's to Steve last night; I saw more of your signs today..... I'm thinking half of the time you speak in your anger and emotions and don't always completely mean what you say. It isn't just that you upset me with Steve, but your words and messages are really hurtful and damaging at some times. You're so mean and I'm so upset. Maybe some of the things that I say have been damaging to you. There is a good bit of confusion in the arbitrage right now. I'm not completely understanding all of it. I know I never said you were my Mr. Right; although you can do some things right at some times. You probably have several more women in the arbitrage... Although I'm looking at you as a little bit of an Ike Turner, I can't call you a full-fledged Ike. You have some tenderness to you, but you are so mean. Was that really your mean bite in my email this morning? If I'm not going to get a boob job; than I need to be on my feet that much harder? You're killing me with a killer ultimatum either way? Is it your spite against Jack, or did you really mean to be that murderous? I'm just not going to survive you. Besides being a bit of an Ike Turner, you probably were a Hank Moody during the periods of your sex addictions, separations, and post divorce. You almost look like you would intentionally have a history to torment other women with and use as a weapon. You're more of a porcupine than I am and on the lethal and defensive side. You're not my first arbitraged relationship. I've always hated relationships like this because the communication isn't always clear and is too mysterious. Kip Dynamite did have a happy ending. He was patient and really did meet his online girlfriend in the end. I've had my own way of being closed minded with these types of relationships and have had my own impatiences. But back to surviving you....., I think if I ever walked into your real life and real world; you would be too mean and too cruel with your wealth. I already feel like CoCo (CoCo before Channel) and I hate being forced into her role more than anybody. It has always been such a screaming and unbearable pain. My love has always been cursed to fade with my Baron's being the Baron's that they are. You make me feel so upset. I know you were being a little more thoughtful and sensitive for me the other night. People have always been to selfish and one-sided with me. As much as some people want me to feel the center of attention (there are times it is in the worst way) it really was never about me and about them. The fifty shades of gray is about you. I want your love but you make it so impossible....... The Live Show with Kelly is something I havn't been able to get around to yet. I might not have the time to catch up on Kelly today, but plan to. It looks like a lot of your upset is with Jack, and I'm a stand still right now. I'm in favor of his idealism and I still don't know how to take your awful and mean lashes. YOU HUMILIATED AND HURT ME FIRST. ......... Winning and losing... What is the big deal with my fire over the issue? In my times of isolation; I had my own moments of severe pain in being defenseless with several dead giveaway control freaks who gave their self way too much credit. People did nothing but beat me down and look for every excuse in the world to say that they felt they deserved to control or lord over me. I had a lot of self-entitled judges and terrible shot callers. There are times that I still feel alone with it all and don't know how many knives I have in my back or what the dominances are over my life. I sometimes get lost for my own sanity while having to have the truth at other times to protect my sanity. Protecting the truth has not always been easy because people won't always know how to take me, or intentionally take me or interrogate me in the worst way. Some people were so blackmailing and manipulative to have control over me. One minute I'm too dumb and naïve of a fool, therefore they deserve the control over me and the story. Another minute, because I had "no confidence," that was another reason they felt deserving to control me and the story. I saw people for the dead giveaway manipulative control freaks they are. It varies with how defenseless or isolated I can be. We kind of are on the same page. But besides me being manipulated, I had my own sufferages due to another's arrogance, vanity, and naivety. It was always more ok for the "thems" to be more confident or vain or unfooled. It was never ok for me to not be the dumb one or the confident one. Most of my own drive was aimed at: I would rather out model people in being a loser; than being a vain, lying, or violently controlling sore loser. I still feel that I have most people out modeled and more fairly beat. There were times back in the day that I had my own intentional sicknesses in Josh's and Shawn Shaffer's stockholms. Sometimes, I think there is an intentional revenge that comes from them from the times that I got sick and intentionally vain because they were never going to be fair enough about their stockholms and made a lot of bad and desperate judgement. ..... I really don't know how to take the way you take it: I can't win in being kept; I can't win in having your love. I'm giving you some time and company right now, but my personal self identified status is the same as the last blog: I'm pessimistic, I'm here, but I give up on you. I still feel like this is a long and painful kill of yours and I still feel like I'm dying. You're so mean and I don't know what to do. ... The Ben Affleck arbitrage can be terrifying to look at sometimes and I'm not sure what is going on in that story when it comes to me. I can't deal with the heartache of CoCo. Garner does seem to have a better story than Coco, but I've never wanted to go too far in comparing myself with others. ............. last note of some randomness in company: I finished your Holy Cow novel. I thought it was comical and a good story. I was thinking the same thing in the end with the way it was fiction and nonfiction because the fictiousness didn't always add up. It's almost like I could have a share with Elsie and I'm sure you have several shares of Elsie in India. Being a slave and a goddess is not the same thing. What is to be made of a worshipped slave, the bitch you keep in your cellar? Whatever, I know you don't treat me like a goddess. I know you're still being a player, but I will have to give you the credit that you at least aren't being a subjective player and subjecting me to other people. I'm still dying though. ..... While there are some climaxes; I'm not getting the climax I want. You could feel comfortable and at home with me, but as long as I know you're still that mean and being a player, all is not well with me. I'm not all well with you. I can't take myself out of some of my emotional and sexual weaknesses and threatful fears you place over me.

Matt

David, I really don't think you are intentionally here in my life because of Matt. .... I get the way it is all eyes on me and the situation is an impossible and isolated situation on both ends. I will not repeat what I said, but I resent that I ever said it and I do have the most sincere apology to offer Matt. When I said it, I was sluggish, depressed, on my "schizophrenic" meds, and in my own personal despair in another state of time. I know I never intended to ruin the rest of Matt's life, nor was a tyrant about it. I know what I'm not guilty of. The tyranny and gang rape I have lived with is unfathomable and beyond ridiculous. If I am being punished for Matt; that is their extremism and choice to have taken my terrible comment way too far. I do not know who my "they" are. .......... In regards to you; I wish I could take myself out of my state of panic, but I can't. Although you could feel humiliated; I feel ultimately humiliated and ultimately raped and it isn't something I can emotionally or psychologically take. You drove me insane and made me go mad and if I can at least make you feel humiliated in some way; more power to me. I hate the death that is in my life right now and I don't understand why you are killing me in such a severe way. I've gone mad and have gone.

From this point on

I really don't know what your recent rape in the head was about. I really don't know why you threw yourself on me. I had already had my say, and I really have no more closure than that. If you have a past story with me; I was never there to get it. If you are with the rest of the world's arbitrage it's YOUR OWN PROBLEM with the way you all feel you can share the credit and keep passing the buck as if all were worthy of any or every credit. MOVES OF NIGGERS. If you have done something to personally hurt me in the past, you should fess up and let me in on you and stop living a double life. I need to know what you think and feel in the present in regards to whatever story you could have in the past. As for the story of Diego and Selma: I have never and will never lay my life down for a man like that. I will never see myself in being messed up in the head and sincerely crazy. I trust myself and have the most faith in myself....... In regards to the squirrel, there are 2 ways that I can take you: 1. You mean it in a sexual way along the lines of the song "Anytime will do." While Norm did become my enemy and a "suck it or die" molester, I don't want to think of that song being tainted by Norm through you. And, its not really any time will do, it is the sexual and mental message of having sex or being raped in the head. This is the more forgivable. 2. The Unforgivable: Gitmo. If you do take it in that text, take a bow and realize that I seriously have nothing to lose with you. Because of the privacy that I don't have online; I can't share with you all the thoughts that I have because of my living circumstances and the violently retarded Gaddafi's that I had already spoke of. Yes, I express dominance over the sharia law of Gitmo. I have my own morbid and vile thoughts in regards to it that I will not mention. ................ My final thoughts are in what gives: What gives with the constancy of the wrong men chasing me, the same wrong men chasing me, the men who want to be with me only to make me second or furthered less AND THINK THEIR CHAUVENISM, THREATS, AND SLAVERY ARE PERMISSABLE. I HAVE NEVER AND WILL NEVER BEG OR FIGHT FOR A MAN WHO MAKES ME HIS SECOND BEST. IT HAS ALWAYS AND WILL ALWAYS BE WORTH IT FOR ME TO STAY SINGLE THAN TO BE IN THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP. I WILL NEVER CONFORM TO ANYONE'S FASCISM. YOU LOVE ME AND ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM OR YOU DON'T. YOU HAVE A LOT OF NERVE TO HAVE KEPT ME TESTED AND ESPECIALLY KEPT ME TESTED WITH THE SAME SLOBBY ENEMIES WHO BELIEVE IN THEIR "DOMINANT RAPIST RIGHTS" STILL TO THIS DAY. I WILL NOT CHANGE WHAT I THINK OF STACY, BREE ANN, KATIE, AND ERIN. YOU ARE SUCH A RETARD TO THINK I WOULD EVER BEG FOR YOU OR FIGHT FOR YOU AFTER KEEPING ME THREATENED WITH THEM. I STILL HOPE FOR THE DAY SOMEONE FORCES THEM TO SUCK IT IN THE WORST MORBID WAY. BUNCH OF VAIN RAPIST FUCKTARDS. FUCK YOUR BELIEF IN OPEN MARRIAGES/ BIGAMY/ OR POLYGAMY, I WILL NOT CHANGE. I WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE IN AND ONLY SETTLE FOR MONOGAMY. WHATEVER YOUR PERSISTANCE IS IS NOT WORTH IT. I STILL HAVE ON TOO MANY "IF YOU GIVE A KID A PIECE OF CANDY RETARDS" WHO WILL AUTOMATICALLY THINK I AM YOUR WILLING BASEMENT SLAVE OF YOURS AND ANOTHER WOMAN AND THINK THAT IT WOULD BE JUST AS MUCH THEIR RIGHT AS IT WOULD BE YOURS. DON'T YOU DARE THREATEN THE REAL TRUTH WITH THE THOUGHT THAT I WOULD SETTLE FOR YOU AND WHAT IT IS YOU WANT ME TO SETTLE FOR KNOWING THERE ARE THOSE FUCKTARDS AROUND OR SETTLE FOR BEING IN ANY OF THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES AT ALL.

Can't Beat My Anxiety

If I can beat my anxiety one way, I can't beat it in another. I've been getting better at it though. It matters to me to reduce the stress that I have....... This snow storm was much more than I was expecting. It looks like there is two feet of snow out there. It would go to my knees or a little above, and to my daughters chest. So much for getting a sled. We'll still be able to do that when the snow clears up a little more but we can still play in the snow. I think making snow angels is still one of her favorite things but she'll probably get buried under the snow when she tries. I didn't think I was going to be snowed in today or that the snow would be this deep. I was hoping that I could make it in to work tonight, but I don't think that it is going to happen. Maybe the roads could be getting taken care of, but I don't think a lot of people would even be going out tonight. Sometimes people go out on purpose anyway for their own fun or thrill of it. I heard people talking on the radio the other day about grilling their food on their grill in the blizzard as if the weather made a difference. I'm not sure if the club will still be open tonight or if there will be enough dare devils there to make it worth my trip. I hope the roads will be more clear by Sunday. .... I really beat myself up now for not being wise enough with my money. I excuse myself some because I'm coming out from a drought in being so broke and it felt so good to let myself have a little bit of a splurge and shopping spree. I have to go back to being a little more tight and budgeted again because my anxiety is getting the better of me. If I beat my anxiety in one way, I can't beat it in another. At least this problem is just a temporary one for now and will be over in a few days. I have got to get myself out of this house and get a more tough mind set for my savings plan. Although I won't blame communism in this instance, I sometimes feel I will always suffer communism in one way or another..... I can at least get some stuff on my to do list done today. I can clean up or organize a few clutters and keep busy knitting and crafting. I don't think ebay is going to be worth it to me to try to sell my stuff on anymore. It takes a good bit of time to list the items and items rarely sell. Although I've had some luck on ebay and have made more sells there than on etsy, I would probably still have better odds in trying to get my stuff sold on etsy for the specific genre of a sales site that it is. But because I have my own personal and specific problem with etsy, I will never pick etsy to sell my crafts again. It just isn't worth it to me anymore to try to sell my stuff online for the amount of time and effort it takes and the way my stuff hardly ever sells. I can at least use the time that I save from doing that to do something else.