company

Just finished watching Steven Colbert's episode. I wanted to approach you with a crying hug but that terrible song at the end kind of killed it. ick. Despite your gay come on's to Steve last night; I saw more of your signs today..... I'm thinking half of the time you speak in your anger and emotions and don't always completely mean what you say. It isn't just that you upset me with Steve, but your words and messages are really hurtful and damaging at some times. You're so mean and I'm so upset. Maybe some of the things that I say have been damaging to you. There is a good bit of confusion in the arbitrage right now. I'm not completely understanding all of it. I know I never said you were my Mr. Right; although you can do some things right at some times. You probably have several more women in the arbitrage... Although I'm looking at you as a little bit of an Ike Turner, I can't call you a full-fledged Ike. You have some tenderness to you, but you are so mean. Was that really your mean bite in my email this morning? If I'm not going to get a boob job; than I need to be on my feet that much harder? You're killing me with a killer ultimatum either way? Is it your spite against Jack, or did you really mean to be that murderous? I'm just not going to survive you. Besides being a bit of an Ike Turner, you probably were a Hank Moody during the periods of your sex addictions, separations, and post divorce. You almost look like you would intentionally have a history to torment other women with and use as a weapon. You're more of a porcupine than I am and on the lethal and defensive side. You're not my first arbitraged relationship. I've always hated relationships like this because the communication isn't always clear and is too mysterious. Kip Dynamite did have a happy ending. He was patient and really did meet his online girlfriend in the end. I've had my own way of being closed minded with these types of relationships and have had my own impatiences. But back to surviving you....., I think if I ever walked into your real life and real world; you would be too mean and too cruel with your wealth. I already feel like CoCo (CoCo before Channel) and I hate being forced into her role more than anybody. It has always been such a screaming and unbearable pain. My love has always been cursed to fade with my Baron's being the Baron's that they are. You make me feel so upset. I know you were being a little more thoughtful and sensitive for me the other night. People have always been to selfish and one-sided with me. As much as some people want me to feel the center of attention (there are times it is in the worst way) it really was never about me and about them. The fifty shades of gray is about you. I want your love but you make it so impossible....... The Live Show with Kelly is something I havn't been able to get around to yet. I might not have the time to catch up on Kelly today, but plan to. It looks like a lot of your upset is with Jack, and I'm a stand still right now. I'm in favor of his idealism and I still don't know how to take your awful and mean lashes. YOU HUMILIATED AND HURT ME FIRST. ......... Winning and losing... What is the big deal with my fire over the issue? In my times of isolation; I had my own moments of severe pain in being defenseless with several dead giveaway control freaks who gave their self way too much credit. People did nothing but beat me down and look for every excuse in the world to say that they felt they deserved to control or lord over me. I had a lot of self-entitled judges and terrible shot callers. There are times that I still feel alone with it all and don't know how many knives I have in my back or what the dominances are over my life. I sometimes get lost for my own sanity while having to have the truth at other times to protect my sanity. Protecting the truth has not always been easy because people won't always know how to take me, or intentionally take me or interrogate me in the worst way. Some people were so blackmailing and manipulative to have control over me. One minute I'm too dumb and naïve of a fool, therefore they deserve the control over me and the story. Another minute, because I had "no confidence," that was another reason they felt deserving to control me and the story. I saw people for the dead giveaway manipulative control freaks they are. It varies with how defenseless or isolated I can be. We kind of are on the same page. But besides me being manipulated, I had my own sufferages due to another's arrogance, vanity, and naivety. It was always more ok for the "thems" to be more confident or vain or unfooled. It was never ok for me to not be the dumb one or the confident one. Most of my own drive was aimed at: I would rather out model people in being a loser; than being a vain, lying, or violently controlling sore loser. I still feel that I have most people out modeled and more fairly beat. There were times back in the day that I had my own intentional sicknesses in Josh's and Shawn Shaffer's stockholms. Sometimes, I think there is an intentional revenge that comes from them from the times that I got sick and intentionally vain because they were never going to be fair enough about their stockholms and made a lot of bad and desperate judgement. ..... I really don't know how to take the way you take it: I can't win in being kept; I can't win in having your love. I'm giving you some time and company right now, but my personal self identified status is the same as the last blog: I'm pessimistic, I'm here, but I give up on you. I still feel like this is a long and painful kill of yours and I still feel like I'm dying. You're so mean and I don't know what to do. ... The Ben Affleck arbitrage can be terrifying to look at sometimes and I'm not sure what is going on in that story when it comes to me. I can't deal with the heartache of CoCo. Garner does seem to have a better story than Coco, but I've never wanted to go too far in comparing myself with others. ............. last note of some randomness in company: I finished your Holy Cow novel. I thought it was comical and a good story. I was thinking the same thing in the end with the way it was fiction and nonfiction because the fictiousness didn't always add up. It's almost like I could have a share with Elsie and I'm sure you have several shares of Elsie in India. Being a slave and a goddess is not the same thing. What is to be made of a worshipped slave, the bitch you keep in your cellar? Whatever, I know you don't treat me like a goddess. I know you're still being a player, but I will have to give you the credit that you at least aren't being a subjective player and subjecting me to other people. I'm still dying though. ..... While there are some climaxes; I'm not getting the climax I want. You could feel comfortable and at home with me, but as long as I know you're still that mean and being a player, all is not well with me. I'm not all well with you. I can't take myself out of some of my emotional and sexual weaknesses and threatful fears you place over me.