As the Sarah Turns

I still have Dr. M on my mind. I see and feel mostly good signs and vibes, but I still have my doubts and uncertainty. ... I'm angry...... I'm angry at what a lot of my life story has been and hate that I have to wonder just how much the same violent pestering vain rapist bastards are on my back. I almost feel as if I am being blindly and heavily stalked to be pestered with the same people and problems. They hate my guts for thinking I am too good for them and will relentlessly harass and rape me to death because this is how I WILL ALWAYS HONESTLY FEEL. Why won't enough people catch on to the sore losers and extreme haters that I have? Why will the same people feel they are right to be conquestial over me and control the way I think or feel? Why won't they see the rape and harassment they are already guilty of and the monster they are? Why won't they see the dead giveaway they are? ....... 50 Shades of Grey. I had to watch it. With the job that I'm in; I know I can't keep myself blindsided and ignorant to it. Once again, it always depends on my will to care and/or some circumstances for me to see or include myself in. While there could be 4 or 5 people to have this share, the most obvious character to guess is Ashton Kutcher. Quite frankly, Ashton never appeared to have a dominant sexual desire like that. I could see the way he was judgmental and dominate, but he just never seemed to be sexual like that. I know I have already come across 2 or 3 that are disturbingly like that and that I am disgusted with. With Ashton though, if he were to give himself the credit and go all the way, I think I see his ulterior motive and hidden agenda with Kate Hudson. Once again, I was glad that I was coincidentally in Canada when 50 Shades of Grey was in the theatres. I know I never warmed up to a friendship with her. They both look like they are desperate to protect their dominance more than anything and keep me buried alive. I hate the way Ashton wanted to be deceptive as having some kind of love and affection. He was at least nice enough to model a relationship that wasn't entirely misogynistic. There was some romance, emotion, respect, respectful of choices when mixed with his "playroom," made most of it ok. I deny that I ever had a real relationship like that with Ashton. I think if there were any close match of "Christian," it would be Jon, and he is very far from being any kind of model about it. It is the judgment, verbal, psychological warfare that just makes me scream for him to die. I hate Jon's guts so much. I hate him for the liar, deceiver, and nigger that he is. I know I see Jon for the cold-blooded lying, robbing murderer he was. He hated my real truth and made such an ugly lie and mess out of it that I will never forgive him. I will never forgive him for the way he thought he won and that he and his other fucktard bitches who he let win, win. I will never forgive him. I hate him for the cold blooded violent rapist man that he is, and IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT JON MADE THE MORBID CHOICES THAT HE MADE. I will never forgive him for the choices that he made. I will never forgive him for making me the nigger, underdog, and butt end of everything. He will always look jealous for how much of an inferior he makes out of me. He never listened to my serious no's and never stopped letting people have a chance with me when they never had a chance with me at all. He has the sickest denial and vainness and lies that he has never let up on. It is such a sick hateful coldblooded morbid rape for ignoring me like that and thinking he and his fucktard bitches deserve me. Words cannot describe his deep morbidness. ............ Yes, I feel better after my hateful rant. I don't want to have to think about it anymore.

As long as you're still the same nightmare

You're still a nightmare that is not worth it. I know the note Edward and I left on. Edward was his own idiot to continue to question or test what I thought of the same dumb other women. I take it as you identifying with "Edward." You still don't want or love me enough. I want every last woman you threatened me with and subjected me to, to be made a slave to my and especially your face. WHOEVER YOU AND THEY EVER THOUGHT THEY WERE TO EXPRESS DOMINANCE ON ME. You were nothing but a pig who never had what it took to make me fight for your love. Your women were nothing but dumb savage pig retards who were going to rape me to death with their retard queen complex. You have always been the same nightmare AND I DON'T GET WHY YOU THINK MY ANSWERS WOULD EVER CHANGE. YOU CAN'T CONTROL HOW I THINK OF YOU OR THEM AND I WILL ALWAYS TREAT YOU AS RAPIST LOWLIFE WORMS. If I ever find a man I demand him to be straight and monogamous. It has always been my ideal it always will be. How dare you threaten to keep me played with your dumb savage women. How dare you not give up on me and continue on with your same dumbass game that I've always hated you for. YOU DON'T LOVE ME ENOUGH AND I HAVE MORE THAN NOTICED THAT. ENOUGH IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO ENOUGH. I DON'T NEED A MAN LIKE YOU IN MY LIFE. I WANT YOU TO GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE. MY IDEALISM WILL NEVER CHANGE.

As the Sarah Turns

It has been a rough week. A long week. I know I'm still not understanding someone's structure now and I don't know the extent of its corruption and sense of reason or sensibility. I won't always know how much of a truth I'm being told or how lied to I am. I know I'm probably being lied about and that people could want to give themselves a twisted credit. I was upset a little at just how quiet one of my crush's were. He eventually opened up a little more but I figured out another important piece of info through someone else. He has kept me guessing for awhile over several things and even if we were never in a relationship together; it matters to me that he is on my good side and doesn't go on my bad side. I can't always figure him out or guess him out but I'm guessing that he is sticking with his girl friend. Ho hum. There will always be other fish in the sea. Whatever scattered information, my best stress was that I am the exclusive type. I'm not open, wanting to be bisexual, and/or in an orgy. I know some men could especially want to be manipulative with my job role as an adult entertainer, but it is just that: a job. .... I wish I had more to talk about or more to say, but this is all I can think to talk of for now.

Colin

Colin, I'm relieved that you're not leaving me in the dark or are out to be a prankster to underdog or try to humiliate me. I've had enough of those, and I am appreciative of the fact that you're being straightforward and mature with some things... I'm glad you think I'm cute and attractive. I keep your belly full?! Ha! You can somehow see me when I strip. awe. wink. Although I can get violent, I'm glad you find me to be cute. I don't like being called the psycho or savage one (when it comes from your opinion for now anyway). When I get violent, my violence has a purpose. Still angry about a lot of things... Not sure if anything will ever be to make of us, but I'm glad that I don't feel as alone with Jon's predatory stalking and harassment. I hate him more than words can describe. ... You're not always an easy person to follow and I don't always know how to take you or if you even are directing something at me. ... You would identify me as a "Falcon." You didn't like the American Woman song, and maybe you could be upset at the violently arrogant block Jon and Stacy are and you want to be the center of my attention? I hate feeling a paranoia and wonder of who's side you could be on. I know the way I have been severely wronged and lied about and I'm not taking back anything I've said against anyone. I don't believe you're Jon Hamm. Speaking of senators and arbitrage, I still get a little lost and confused with what could be your random people. Am I really talking to you? Are some people even made to be a senator for you? Besides you not always being easy to follow on your show, I'm not easily convinced of anything in the arbitrage either. You may have to either repeat what you said, or find other ways to say it, or other communication methods because I don't think we're always speaking the same language, or on the same page. .... In another arbitrage state of thought, I am hoping your wife is just her random self, and that you have no intention of ganging up on me in the capitalist arbitrage with other enemies or people I could know. I'm really hoping your wife is a random person to me that I know I don't know and who has never touched me. ..... That is all I have to say about all of those thoughts. I may have had something else to say or on my mind that I've yet to bring up, but for now, this is all that is fresh and prioritized in my mind.

Need more certainty

Oh Colin, where do I begin? I see some different signs and you're still mostly in my head. I am so seduced. Although I think I feel things, I wonder about you more than I know or believe. Are you really jealous of my crush on Chris Cornell? Is it that you honestly do get jealous or possessive or you're being pussy whipped and playing along with me for whatever reason? I find you to be a difficult truth to believe. ...... It feels like we move so fast with each other and it is hard to comprehend and I feel I live in two separate and questionable worlds. ..... I have some fear and it is the arbitrage and giving a kid a piece of candy. My biggest paranoia is with Chris Z. When we first crossed paths over a year ago, besides me thinking you're Jon, I also thought you had a share with Chris Z. I don't give him the credit now, and I know when I look at you, I really am looking at you. I'm just afraid of the credit that people give themselves. I may eventually have more feedback for Chris Z. and know I don't know everything about him, but he isn't my focal point right now............ Incase you haven't noticed Jon and Kim's creeper; I hate the terror that is in my life right now. They have always been the same violent deserving tyrant rapist nigger pigs. I know they think they win in their vanity but they just don't. I hate how suffocatingly vain they are. I don't want Jon in my life and I don't want to have to see, hear, or put up with him ever again. He is a severely sick and ridiculous mad man who knows no responsibility. I can't beat him off of me enough. ......... I don't want to talk about it anymore. I really don't have much else to talk about. I plan on lounging away the rest of this Sunday.

Warped and Brainstorming

Sometimes, an amount of years can change the meaning of a lot of things. I think the most commonly acceptable reflections of a person are from middle school to high school until the person ages to 20 to 30. There are some instances of high school Stockholm's where some people could remain victims of labels or bias; but there was a time when people were more open-minded to understand that the sky was the limits when it came to a person to be becoming of something. In years passing, people seem to be more set in their ways and because people are the official adults that they are, there is usually not the same mind frame of change. People are known to have some kind of reputation. Some people have stronger predictabilities from making the same choices over time. While people can still change in later ages, and that people should be open-minded in spontaneity and changing or evolving into something else, it seems more that people get stuck in their own predictable statistic....... While I could relate this generalization in a number of different paths, I'm being relationship minded right now. And even more specifically, I'm thinking about Jon. I know I am not talking to him directly in this blog and am making him a third person. However, this is still between just me and Jon. Jon has kept me guessing on several different occasions. While I feel I have sometimes figured him out, and that he is sometimes aware and additionally continues to feed me on the way I have figured him out, he sometimes seems to have this fight or problem that I don't have him figured out. It has been a long game and death match to me. Suppose Jon has been dead set on having me this whole time and that he owns up to his entire Stockholm and that his intentional purpose of it and leading me on was really because he seriously had to have me and seriously end up with me? Suppose that were the case. Of course he had led me to believe otherwise with several different women from time to time. What I continue to remain upset about is the choices he has already made. WE DIDN'T COME FROM MIDDLE/ HIGH SCHOOL TO ADULTS. WE WERE ADULTS TO ADULTS. If he is seriously set on wanting to win me and my heart, what is to say of everything? What is to say of the way he had always handled me? He put others before and above me. He sometimes does not want to give up on the comparisons and the gaming of it all, when who I was and am as a person was of no competition in the first place. Is it that he is being a true narcissist and he feels so much pity on me that he gets in his aggressive pursuits? Does he not understand that the approach still has no real love? I don't want him or any man to be with me because he pities me for his self. I know I have cried for a pity fuck before, but not one from the same man who broke my heart. I did see a sign online awhile ago of his and Bree's violent vanities once again on the same rampage of belittling me and pitying me. Even though Jon may be presently staying more isolated with me; does he still think my life is his and Bree's (or any other sick rapist god complex bitch's) life for the taking? He seems he feels misunderstood in what his motives are, but his actions still have yet to prove me wrong about anything. Why does he continue to keep going nowhere with me? What is it that Jon can't get out of himself? Does he have any kind of message at all? When he has been a Smith this whole time, he wants to fight to be called a Jones. (I am a Jones).

Justin D' A

Don't take my life like that and don't say goodbye. ... Justin, I have taken in some more info today. While I don't think I see everything I have my own hunches. You could be sorry and you could be more hurt over the way you hurt me. ... I remember I've screamed at you a lot. I have a hazy memory of you and it would probably hurt me to know whatever your full storied truths were at some different times. ... You're sneaking up on me and you just can't beat me yet. I think someone is letting me beat you. I can be competitive but I'm not primarily competitive. I see the other signs and the obvious person I could compare you to and I hate that I have to question you and it greatly hurts that I have to question you in the present. It isn't fair for you to rig the credit not just with yourself but with others to. I don't want to be in the same type of relationship with you that I was with him. You really have seemed to be someone new. You can't take my life like that. As much as I could scream at you for leading me on; I just don't want to say goodbye and I don't want you to say goodbye either. I think you love me and I know I'm falling in love with you. I do feel socked in the stomach though because of the red flag signs I see against you. Stop. I don't know how over powered or smothered you feel by me, but I feel over powered by you and I'm now at loss of words. goodnight Justin xo p.s. reach me in person already so I don't have to reach you through my non-private blogs.