But not all said

Something is not open for conversation and especially, if serious, it needs to be made an open conversation. First off, I remember a comment I said awhile ago. It was along the lines of "men spreading their seed." It still is true; it just varies with seriousness and responsibility amongst men. There is also a family I have been told several times that I look related to, and I'm sure that I'm not related. .... If I were seriously being looked at in a certain way, I can't help but wonder what is in their mind. I have a big blush, but am stunned and paralyzed. I have set a few roadblocks in the way but the only one I am bringing in the open is there a look that comes with some kind of specific reason I could be getting looked at the way I am? My only child's father is still my enemy to this day, so it just can't be a rescue trap. Because there could be a serious choice in wanting to, I don' think it would be as much of a nightmare if it did happen. Is there a serious reason or purpose or symbol? Or, is it just the present season of the year? I still have other roadblocks, but I see the ways I feel more gained on and blocked in and he can't suffocate me into silence like that.

Random Thoughts of the Day

I'm getting my mind prepped a little more for this weekend. Man, I hate it when I have to wait to do something. I know if I make a regular job out of this, I won't always be so anxious to get to work, but for now, I hate that I had to wait my plans out more. It is another "it all depends situation for me." How the club goes, how much money I could be making, how the traveling could work out. This is an easier travel, and that's for sure. It is just like, I could just jump up and go out right now, but I can't just yet. I have to wait for Saturday to get there. I'm that much more ready this time than last time. I have a definite name picked out, and several back up names if I'm feeling something else. I have a longer list of personal preferential music. I have also been working on my stretching. I wish I had a place to get some more pole practice in. I hate this period of waiting though right now. I have an impatience and I want to get this done and decide if I want to keep working more.............. Man drama..........It is like I know some random love interests are out there sometimes, but the radar and mapping is much different. I have a feeling I am still being seen on the radar more than I can see, but it really takes more than some radar communication to make things happen or work. I really did hate when I had not only an easy to see radar, but additional programs to play along with. (still wondering whatever kinds of relationships that was supposed to be) There is a little distal anxiety, but I know my solitude and isolation can pay off sometimes. Some people aren't always available and I'm comfortable in that because I feel more freedom in that. I don't feel like someone is trying to control both ends of the relationship, and I don't feel as much as a slave. (Except with Jon and some occasional random other creeps who are out to murder or want to be murdered by me). I've been thinking about the Farmer Man often lately. I wish I had more of a clue. There is this attraction that I have and I can't get him out of my head sometimes. I am curious to know him more, but at the same time, I don't mind some distance because I don't want to think about a heartbreak or being violently looked at or seen the wrong way. I just don't know what is up with the Farmer man. There are a few other crushes. I'm sure I'll find more this weekend and have a good time with my own "As the Sarah Turns." I know I won't be getting serious with anyone there, but can keep my mind off things and attract myself to other men (depending). I still have plenty of other stuff on my mind, but this is all I will say in my solitude for now.

Dear Rahm

Some new things and old things going on today..... I had my first walk outside for this new year. I have been waiting awhile on the weather, and today was a good day......... So happy to have some of my new clothes delivered....... I've kept my eyes out today to see if there were some things to notice and there are. I think Baby Dale Jr. wants to play a mother and son game with me. AHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't get over that I could have his attention like that. Baby Dale Jr. Baby Dale Jr. I have been thinking of more to say to Dale about "escort services." I think only thing I would do, is give Baby Dale a visual of the show "Survivorman." Although my life isn't that literal, I could still compare my life of survival to it. I really could. I know I have not technically applied for escort services and have not even made any money. Dale doesn't know about the number of types of prejudices that do get impossibly thrown my way, and he doesn't know the number of haters I have. There are just some things to not be fully explained to Dale. And right now, that is all the further that I can go with the topic of Baby Dale.................... About "Pete" the Heart Dr., or whoever else he could be, I'm just not going to completely trust him. He may be making some smooth moves, but I think he has some sort of ulterior motives where he wants to teach me a lesson, have something to prove, or take advantage of me to have some kind of "dominate say," said. I'm just not sure of him. Rahm, you don't seem to be possessive looking yet. I'm not sure what you think of him.......I wish I could have more to say but nothing much else going on. I'm probably going to go out tomorrow night and rock on. I think I might even have some fun at the casino. Are you still around/among there, or what other places are you among/around?

Today's thoughts on my mind....

hmmmm. where do I start? I can't wait to get my taxes back. I am burning for them.... I did do a little window shopping today the shop before the shop. I need a decent pair of boots that will painlessly last me for a few days. Of course most are picked over and a there is a new season of shows being readied. I have needed these boots for awhile, and there were actually a few boots that were decent. I have also been needing some new perfume... I havn't decided which perfume to select yet. There are some I know I like, but just can't make up my mind. Today, I finished off spraying myself with a perfume that reminds me of me. It smells good, but there are other perfumes that I think smell better. ahahh ha ha nothing personal. It is the comfort of this certain perfume that I'm getting sold on. I could eventually pick 2 different types, but I don't know if I want to spend that much on just perfume itself.... I've made up my mind I'm going to Canada. I will be taking Mitzi out to a different place and then later in the summer we will take a vacation to Florida or even maybe somewhere in the Caribbean. I have to look up the types of beaches with pollutions and tides to stay away from..... Canada has been on my mind though. Boy do I need a real good break..... Plenty of other thoughts and stresses. I lost my cell phone. I'm sure I'll eventually find it but I can't stand being without it. Still anxious for a job. I might study for life and health insurance again. I'm not gung-ho for it, but if I eventually do get a job, the job will eventually be a good amount of income. I did see a local job that really wouldn't have been bad to go for in itself. It was definitely not a dream job, but a job where I could at least get some sort of money for now. I wanted to apply tomorrow but my gut is telling me no. I see a little arbitrage info flying around, and whether or not I have crackheaded men who like me, or an actually smart-level-headed man who somehow knows matrix info, I'm just going with their instincts. They make it sound like it is another torment trap. Another rapist groping bossy woman who fantasizes about being my dominatrix. Because of my history, I couldn't doubt more similar things would keep happening in the present..... Something is up with a few people and a few men right now, but everything is just not clear or spelled out enough. I just can't be sold into believing anything or anyone. .... waiting for my taxes, waiting for or finding a job, I can't stand waiting. Such an anxiety that I have right now....

Love what I ran into

I don't know exactly what I ran into, but I really had a good time a few days ago. OHHH, that was so good. I didn't expect the intentional "coincidence," to happen or happen like that, but whatever it was, it was good. I would hate to ruin it if my head was messed with, with possible guesses. A sincere lust trap? A temporary band aid and avoidance with other people who just don't know what to do about or with me? Something more than just a moment? I really would hate it if he turns out to be another man to bully me..... Can't get him out of my head for now. hum diddly dooo.............. Other things going on that are good and bad. I have yet to finish Mitzi's poncho. Just the hood I have to learn to do. I did get my cowgirl cowell finished. This is definitely a rough draft cowell. I made a mistake somewhere along the way where my knitting was off. Although it isn't the exact matched pattern, it still fits well and looks designed well enough. Because cowells fold over anyway, the design of the pattern really isn't noticed as much. Some of the pattern I did okay, but there was a number or segment of stitches I missed. I just need to sew on buttons in the back to completely finish off. I'm excited though, because this is a new product I am excited to sell. I don't know which yarn I want to pick for it. The yarn I picked works well, but there are other types of yarn that could probably work better. Another thing to make up my mind with......gloves yet to do. More inventory to keep up on and replenishing. More ideas to try. How will I work out my crafting this year....... One of my own band aids that can't solve my ultimate income dilemma....... Christmas will be exciting this year, but oh do I have a painful dent in my savings acct. Impossible time of year to not spend. I can't wait to spend more and am seduced into buying more with all of the sales and things that will look good on me. But, I am forcing myself to wait and try to bring my savings back to a better equilibrium. Less than a week! I can't wait for Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Tom

Congrats to both Ben and you on the awards ceremony. Sorry for the slight disrespect about not knowing if I had a Ben who he was. This is obviously something that matters to you and sorry if I embarrassed you a little. Been very frustrated these days and I usually don't hold my tongue as much in my frustrations..... I'm still not going to assume too much. You are giving me another guessing game. He loves me. He loves me not. I think the curly hair blond you have been looking at is Shakira. Something going on in the matrix with her. Maybe you are intentionally putting her in my line of fire.......Before talk with her, talk with you.......Tom...Tom, is it that you do regret the boob job remark or is it a continued structured kill? I do have different ways of looking at you. Maybe you want to keep playing a game where I don't really get how your ball keeps rolling, or maybe you don't understand my own complications in my own structure. It really was a matter of direction with you and I. One route was being serious about being in a serious relationship. I felt I have taken a hint and you were sincere in your rejection. The other route was, while you may not have a serious plan in mind, you still wouldn't mind having me around as another carefree playmate. Less emotions involved. Being seduced into a different kind of survival plan. Two different routes where the story and actions and reactions aren't the same. While you still seem structured, you seem like you have some misunderstanding........ Shakira, maybe you were laughing or cheering for me in my kill against Javier that he is not my type and his story in "Vicky Barcelona," wasn't my truth at all. I do appreciate you for siding with me in that one. It really was an abstract story from the start. Shakira. I think she is mad at me when she figures out the truthful thoughts I have against Adam. I think she is embarrassed that she is far from being on the same page, and nowhere near being "queen status," to me. It is like she is intentionally not giving up on wanting me to be her conquest by going for other men who are involved with me. That is all the simple truth was from the start: There is not a single thing Shakira can to to be my "queen." It is like she wants to intentionally homewreck any man I find interest in. I really don't have a clue on what her bloodlust or hatred for me is. It has nothing to do with any kind of educational contest. I am not her conquest period. She never has and never will have me owned for her sake period. No other female will. Katy Perry can keep talking her ass off all she wants to. When I was thinking in the other route with you........ I still wasn't seeing myself as their loser just because I may not be #1 on your list. It really would be just business beyond this point. I understand the difference in my will to survive. I'm not seeing myself as being another victim of another man's chauvinist will to live. You love me or you don't. Regardless of whatever your love could be, you seemed to come across as a good humanitarian. You seem to get how impossible my life was and the totalitarian control that keeps living to make my life miserable. This is the impression you have on me. Besides some of the other drama, this is how I personally take you right now.

Thinking Out Loud

First off, I am looking forward to watching what is in my next Netflix queue. Not sure how real it is or if it will ever be a truth, but looking forward to watching it anyway..... Second off, while being a spring crafter this year again was against my will, I am sold on a vendor ad: "The right place to sell your art." How agreeable it is with the amount of publicity and people, and that some of it is décor that could be made for a condo, home, or trailer. While it would be costly to pull it off, the worst that could happen is that I had a personal getaway that pays for itself. I think as a knitting crafter, I want to specialize in purses and bags. I sold quite a few this year. While they still have sold better in the winter, there is still potential to be a year-round product. I've also thought of a few more knitted products that could be year-round. Knitting them would not be an overall waste because I could still wait to sell them in the winter next year. There are a lot of other experimental crafts to try and other more elbow-greased creativity where I could make even better works of art for decor. The risk is and isn't there. It would still be an investment to prepare. If I didn't find a job in time it wouldn't be as big of a deal because I would have more time to invest. I still know I want a part time or full time job. With my clocks, it isn't practical enough to be a full-fledged entrepreneur. I still need a regular flow of money until I find the right entrepreneurship I want and a well-saved of a saving account that I have for it. Crafting will probably not be my first priority of business when I become an entrepreneur........ I can't help but get excited in being a crafter sometimes. While being a crafter is practical enough, I'm still too practical. I can't win and I can't lose in being a crafter. Actually, I do have some wins in it. When it comes to making money, I know it is more practical to keep looking for a job, or keeping a door opened to God to work in his own ways of wonder.......... I've been having dreams in the night very often lately. I can't remember them all, but I remember some of last night's dream. I was somehow sent back to ORU to finish off the first field that I picked to get a degree. Everyone was saying "You know how much you want to be a broadcaster of some sort whether it be through radio or TV. You know you have a passion for it." I did have some agreement. But, I was even practical in that dream too. I thought, I know I can't afford to pay for another education. I know that unless I make it big with being a TV broadcaster, neither radio nor television broadcasting would pay off. It would be more years to pay off the other degree and the new one in addition. How else would I be taking care of Mitzi? If I ever did go for that field again, I wouldn't be picking ORU. It was just a dream during the night. With how the world has worked, it would be years or have big changes made where I would have the desire to want that kind of job. Something random to have come up in my life.