Dear Tom

Congrats to both Ben and you on the awards ceremony. Sorry for the slight disrespect about not knowing if I had a Ben who he was. This is obviously something that matters to you and sorry if I embarrassed you a little. Been very frustrated these days and I usually don't hold my tongue as much in my frustrations..... I'm still not going to assume too much. You are giving me another guessing game. He loves me. He loves me not. I think the curly hair blond you have been looking at is Shakira. Something going on in the matrix with her. Maybe you are intentionally putting her in my line of fire.......Before talk with her, talk with you.......Tom...Tom, is it that you do regret the boob job remark or is it a continued structured kill? I do have different ways of looking at you. Maybe you want to keep playing a game where I don't really get how your ball keeps rolling, or maybe you don't understand my own complications in my own structure. It really was a matter of direction with you and I. One route was being serious about being in a serious relationship. I felt I have taken a hint and you were sincere in your rejection. The other route was, while you may not have a serious plan in mind, you still wouldn't mind having me around as another carefree playmate. Less emotions involved. Being seduced into a different kind of survival plan. Two different routes where the story and actions and reactions aren't the same. While you still seem structured, you seem like you have some misunderstanding........ Shakira, maybe you were laughing or cheering for me in my kill against Javier that he is not my type and his story in "Vicky Barcelona," wasn't my truth at all. I do appreciate you for siding with me in that one. It really was an abstract story from the start. Shakira. I think she is mad at me when she figures out the truthful thoughts I have against Adam. I think she is embarrassed that she is far from being on the same page, and nowhere near being "queen status," to me. It is like she is intentionally not giving up on wanting me to be her conquest by going for other men who are involved with me. That is all the simple truth was from the start: There is not a single thing Shakira can to to be my "queen." It is like she wants to intentionally homewreck any man I find interest in. I really don't have a clue on what her bloodlust or hatred for me is. It has nothing to do with any kind of educational contest. I am not her conquest period. She never has and never will have me owned for her sake period. No other female will. Katy Perry can keep talking her ass off all she wants to. When I was thinking in the other route with you........ I still wasn't seeing myself as their loser just because I may not be #1 on your list. It really would be just business beyond this point. I understand the difference in my will to survive. I'm not seeing myself as being another victim of another man's chauvinist will to live. You love me or you don't. Regardless of whatever your love could be, you seemed to come across as a good humanitarian. You seem to get how impossible my life was and the totalitarian control that keeps living to make my life miserable. This is the impression you have on me. Besides some of the other drama, this is how I personally take you right now.