There really is not a whole lot of new things going on. I definitely have a lot of things to be anxious about and have been dealing with myself in my own time. I don't know how the future is going to be and all I can do is just stay calm.
I watched "The Apprentice," last night. I don't really have a lot of feedback. I am observing that in part of his stockholm, the show is being clingy with my past. In this instance though, it isn't really that serious and it is more of a laughing matter. I don't know if there is any more of an agenda to it other than just laughing or if there is something else that someone may be trying to prove. I do take it as a light-hearted instance, with the character name of "Dee-dee," and don't feel like I should feel threatened over it. As for other instances, there is still some things I am both unsure of and some things that are more obvious. I have nothing more to say. If I am being expected to say anything; I really don't know what is expected of me.
In other drama, there is a blur right now. I feel like somewhere out in the matrix; someone wants me to feel like they are holding me right now and are there. But, it is a blur who the real identity is who wants me to feel their comfort. It could be Seth who I have recently verbally attacked last night and we aren't on the same page as each other. How could he continue to keep undermining me with the pregnancy situation and assume that I'm ok with him?
It could be Jon where it is a completely different issue where he knows he is the one who is too violent and hateful and is backing down to be comforting and affectionate instead. He plays both characters of good and bad and throw out the concept of the cycle of abuse and to want to be affectionate and comforting anyway.....
It isn't that I'm forgetting my own drama; it is that communication on the other end of the matrix is not clear of what is going on. Some of my emotions can't be denied with some things that happen with some people but with the digital concept as a whole; I think the matrix gives itself too much credit for being: real, tangible, and "really here with me." Still not a new issue from before. I've always thought that way, but I've already known that I will never get everything done that is completely my way. It seems most of it is endless talk and compromising that doesn't lead to anywhere.
There is not a lot of other drama on my mind. Today is a typical Monday and a day where I already feel exhausted. Drinking a cup of coffee anyway and have a lot to do on my "to-do list."
Monday, February 27, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Dear Jon
Smack Jason Jones for me. You can smack yourself as well for so many reasons. I'm sure you've discovered by now that you are not the only Prince or even Princess whose real name isn't "Sarah," that is the only demanding person in my life. I should demand to be treated like a princess now, but since there are so many other things going on at once, it is just not on my agenda to take my name so seriously.
You're not really that easy to read right now which can be meant in a couple of ways.
I don't like one direction you are going with the issue of birth control. The baby's dad, John, is probably continuing more battling and competition right now. I'm not trying to win a popularity contest and the last thing on my agenda right now is how my pregnancy came about. The fact is, I'm pregnant and I am having this baby. I think any kind of competition right now over it is ridiculous and desperate. It isn't even relevant. Like so many other people who give me a hard time and are out of my control, he really is out in the cold in my world right now. With how controlling some people are and their technicalities, they might say that things are different in their system and self-sourcing. But, in my world, I have not literally contacted him in months and in the system, I think he's nothing but an asshole who thinks he will win with any domination game he has. Sadly, through experience, I've already learned that some control freaks allow people to get away with things in their own structure and system that I would never see eye to eye with. It is another damning and crippling thing to not be heard and feel denied as a person. It really does suck that he has to be the way he is, but it doesn't mean that he is going to earn any respect from me. I hope not, but he may eventually figure out a way to beat me into his submission. He just doesn't want to seem to give up on being an ass and harassing and even puts it on me where I'm the "stalker."
I just wanted to make myself clear. I think I'll leave the rest to my therapist because I'm sure you have enough of your own drama to deal with. I still havn't figured out the relation and differences between you and John in the system. I wouldn't compare him as your sim, but I do get confused and wonder a little bit.
Back to the beginning of this letter, if you are being demanding, I don't know what your demands are presently. I get a lot of demands from a lot of different places and more than half of the time, I don't even know where the demands are coming from. Yeah, it sucks to be blind. But, if you are expecting or demanding something, you need to make yourself a little more clear for me. I'm also exhausted as well, so it isn't as easy to pay attention to you.
You're not really that easy to read right now which can be meant in a couple of ways.
I don't like one direction you are going with the issue of birth control. The baby's dad, John, is probably continuing more battling and competition right now. I'm not trying to win a popularity contest and the last thing on my agenda right now is how my pregnancy came about. The fact is, I'm pregnant and I am having this baby. I think any kind of competition right now over it is ridiculous and desperate. It isn't even relevant. Like so many other people who give me a hard time and are out of my control, he really is out in the cold in my world right now. With how controlling some people are and their technicalities, they might say that things are different in their system and self-sourcing. But, in my world, I have not literally contacted him in months and in the system, I think he's nothing but an asshole who thinks he will win with any domination game he has. Sadly, through experience, I've already learned that some control freaks allow people to get away with things in their own structure and system that I would never see eye to eye with. It is another damning and crippling thing to not be heard and feel denied as a person. It really does suck that he has to be the way he is, but it doesn't mean that he is going to earn any respect from me. I hope not, but he may eventually figure out a way to beat me into his submission. He just doesn't want to seem to give up on being an ass and harassing and even puts it on me where I'm the "stalker."
I just wanted to make myself clear. I think I'll leave the rest to my therapist because I'm sure you have enough of your own drama to deal with. I still havn't figured out the relation and differences between you and John in the system. I wouldn't compare him as your sim, but I do get confused and wonder a little bit.
Back to the beginning of this letter, if you are being demanding, I don't know what your demands are presently. I get a lot of demands from a lot of different places and more than half of the time, I don't even know where the demands are coming from. Yeah, it sucks to be blind. But, if you are expecting or demanding something, you need to make yourself a little more clear for me. I'm also exhausted as well, so it isn't as easy to pay attention to you.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Anderson
Man Anderson, I feel I am constantly in some death trap or matador stadium with you. What is your problem? How am I pissing you off? How can I make you stop?
This is more about the end of your show. The beginning? Another anorexic moment of mine if anything is supposed to be directed at me. Anorexic to the drama and whatever is really going on. I would assume it would be another person's agenda to want to make me feel sexually insecure.
Anyway, the later half of your show. I don't see it the way you see it or whoever is drawing the picture that way. It was a couple of years ago when I had a share/foodstamp on another show that was about "dating and couples therapy." I was "The Love Therapist," where it wasn't about JUST sex. Anyway, in sharing my personal opinions and present views at the time to what my ideals of a relationship are, I think some people probably took that out of control as well. I'm sure you know how predictable it is for women to be catty with each other and even men. People do not like to be told what to do and that includes even me not liking to be told what to do. Sometimes, I do share some ideals of what I think personally and it is only ideals. Other times, I share some thoughts and opinions that sometimes include others, but mostly just what I think of a guy that I could have a fling with. How dare I have my own personal ideals? How dare I have any kind of a say or my own personal perspective of what I thought of a person or the relationship to the person? In recent times, I could call myself more of an "iso," where I get some caveman and stockholm vibes that really do violently and threateningly insinuate: "How dare me?" I may not always know why, I've already said your stockholm is giving me some clueless threatening vibes.
One of my main mottos really has been: "opinions are like assholes, everyone has one." It seems easier said than done and that it isn't a motto of what reality really is. I think some people and their drama have the louder realities than: "we all have assholes." I know I can write my own "soaps," of "As the Sarah Turns," but I can confess that I can be a drama queen. The control factor is something that I have never had a lot of control of anyway.
I feel like there are a number of people who could be saying things about me to you and you make me feel so defenseless sometimes.
Anyway, I just didn't like how in the mistress label, after a number of years, "I lived to tell people how to be in relationships." I have an idea of a possible share of the legal prostitute whose real name isn't mentioned. Have you not caught on to her continued own personal paranoia and wanting to compete with being "the therapist," and telling others how to be in relationships? It isn't only the delusion that is believed by her that I think "I'm the queen and dictator of all relationships," she competes to say "No, she is the queen and dictator of all relationships." Can you not see how desperate, overassumptive/delusional, and ridiculously controlling she is?
Besides that being my main point, is back to the focused main point of her title in being a "prostitute." I really was surprised to learn today that there is a such thing as legal prostitution in the U.S. This was the first time that I have ever heard of it. I'm guessing that only certain states have it, and I guess since Nevada is "sin city," something must have been so out of control or something where it has been legalized. I don't know of other states, but I was surprised that something like that was actually made legal. As for her personally? I've already had my main opinion in the previous paragraph. If I have been "married," and she further wants to compete and make me jealous, I really don't care. I've been anorexic to so much B.S. this whole time and already know I am ignored that I don't care. I really don't know the details of her history. She is obviously seeking attention or maybe she is in a death trap along with me that you put us in. It looks more like she is the one who is going the distance for herself to "be queen and dictator of all relationships." She really is in it alone. I don't know all of her detailed past or present. I don't see her perspective in my eyes at all; I have a totally different perspective that she has no business in even trying to have any authority or control with it. She is on her own in going the distance for herself. I've already had my disappointments in the ways that I have been reduced to nothing and subjected to a number of different women. This really is no different story, just another desperate attempt of someone who wants to entitle herself to "own" me.
You may have more info, but there is a lot to this picture that I just may not see right now other than what stage you are setting.
This is more about the end of your show. The beginning? Another anorexic moment of mine if anything is supposed to be directed at me. Anorexic to the drama and whatever is really going on. I would assume it would be another person's agenda to want to make me feel sexually insecure.
Anyway, the later half of your show. I don't see it the way you see it or whoever is drawing the picture that way. It was a couple of years ago when I had a share/foodstamp on another show that was about "dating and couples therapy." I was "The Love Therapist," where it wasn't about JUST sex. Anyway, in sharing my personal opinions and present views at the time to what my ideals of a relationship are, I think some people probably took that out of control as well. I'm sure you know how predictable it is for women to be catty with each other and even men. People do not like to be told what to do and that includes even me not liking to be told what to do. Sometimes, I do share some ideals of what I think personally and it is only ideals. Other times, I share some thoughts and opinions that sometimes include others, but mostly just what I think of a guy that I could have a fling with. How dare I have my own personal ideals? How dare I have any kind of a say or my own personal perspective of what I thought of a person or the relationship to the person? In recent times, I could call myself more of an "iso," where I get some caveman and stockholm vibes that really do violently and threateningly insinuate: "How dare me?" I may not always know why, I've already said your stockholm is giving me some clueless threatening vibes.
One of my main mottos really has been: "opinions are like assholes, everyone has one." It seems easier said than done and that it isn't a motto of what reality really is. I think some people and their drama have the louder realities than: "we all have assholes." I know I can write my own "soaps," of "As the Sarah Turns," but I can confess that I can be a drama queen. The control factor is something that I have never had a lot of control of anyway.
I feel like there are a number of people who could be saying things about me to you and you make me feel so defenseless sometimes.
Anyway, I just didn't like how in the mistress label, after a number of years, "I lived to tell people how to be in relationships." I have an idea of a possible share of the legal prostitute whose real name isn't mentioned. Have you not caught on to her continued own personal paranoia and wanting to compete with being "the therapist," and telling others how to be in relationships? It isn't only the delusion that is believed by her that I think "I'm the queen and dictator of all relationships," she competes to say "No, she is the queen and dictator of all relationships." Can you not see how desperate, overassumptive/delusional, and ridiculously controlling she is?
Besides that being my main point, is back to the focused main point of her title in being a "prostitute." I really was surprised to learn today that there is a such thing as legal prostitution in the U.S. This was the first time that I have ever heard of it. I'm guessing that only certain states have it, and I guess since Nevada is "sin city," something must have been so out of control or something where it has been legalized. I don't know of other states, but I was surprised that something like that was actually made legal. As for her personally? I've already had my main opinion in the previous paragraph. If I have been "married," and she further wants to compete and make me jealous, I really don't care. I've been anorexic to so much B.S. this whole time and already know I am ignored that I don't care. I really don't know the details of her history. She is obviously seeking attention or maybe she is in a death trap along with me that you put us in. It looks more like she is the one who is going the distance for herself to "be queen and dictator of all relationships." She really is in it alone. I don't know all of her detailed past or present. I don't see her perspective in my eyes at all; I have a totally different perspective that she has no business in even trying to have any authority or control with it. She is on her own in going the distance for herself. I've already had my disappointments in the ways that I have been reduced to nothing and subjected to a number of different women. This really is no different story, just another desperate attempt of someone who wants to entitle herself to "own" me.
You may have more info, but there is a lot to this picture that I just may not see right now other than what stage you are setting.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Saturday Night Live
Going to have to use catty instincts. I had a couple of laughs today when I caught up on the show. It is going to be a little more awkward now with the ~fling~ that I had with Seth, but over time it won't be a big deal most probably......
I think it is Tim aka "Bongo Boy," and Chance Chapman that are there. I had a crush on both of them when I was at ORU. I think I got another random sign a few weeks ago with a video clip of a subway train with Tim being undercover in his own way. I think he pities me and his self but I also think he is around in the matrix because he wants to be there for me and hold my hand in a figurative way......
When I was at ORU, I think having a boyfriend or any relationship serious or not, to be one of the toughest obstacles. Most of the guys I had flings with in Oklahoma were not even in that school because it was that tough to figure out how to connect. I wasn't the ideal ORU honor code student. I went to clubs and so I met some guys both from places I worked and clubbing. I was seriously challenged at ORU to have a boyfriend. I think ORU is one of the toughest places to be challenged to be in a relationship with someone.
There is a bias from both men and women with their own lists of biased reasons:
-They are at the school for the education, not to be married. There was even a joke to "have a ring by spring."
-There are the regular Christian idealogies and bias that Christians even have with each other. Therefore, the chemistry is different and challenging. The chemistry isn't everything. There are high sexual standards that have a higher value with chastity and waiting until one is married.
-Besides people being focused on their own education, there is still a smaller amount of desperation to be in a relationship in the school's environment. It is the type of school where people do want someone who they feel is very compatible. (although some statistics have shown that ORU marriages have a high divorce rate. I think it is 50%).
-There are always a lot of mind games, but the focused mind games or themes during that time made it impossible as well. There was a strong encouragement and push for Christian women to be more feministic. Being either submissive or a sex object at that school especially for women was something that was seen negatively and constantly reminded against. Also, the book, "He's just not that into you," was a big hit during the time I was in school.
(The environment in this town is anything but that. I have yet to figure out everything. Sometimes it is caveman concept. Sometimes it is swinging or a Burlusconi concept. But with the way things are, it is difficult to say a specific concept of anything. Well, yes and no.)
-Before I was hit with so much confusion in capitalism, and besides so many other obstacles and impossibilites, I thought there were so many guys who seriously were out of my league at that school. I know I can come across as being arrogant myself sometimes, but some guys had the potential to be so intimidating. Not all of them were purposefully intimidating, but some I could just look and think to myself without hardly knowing them: "He is way too out of my league."
I was most depressed my senior year and left that school not caring that I was never engaged or married to anyone.
I did have a good time in getting out and living in a city for a few years. I had ups and downs but overall loved the experience of both the school and the city of Tulsa itself....
......Chance Chapman, back to him. He was a crush with a matrix connection that was too abstract/surreal. I could tell besides something going on with everyone, something was going on with that baseball team. There is a lot of detailed drama that I'm probably involved with that I don't know about yet. With how things were run, I definitely had an "MIA Paper Planes," attitude when I was at that school as well. I never understood the structure; I just know I despised and even sometimes loathed it. Maybe Chance is around to hold my hand too. I don't really know the drama that is going on with him. I did have a few laughs though. He is one of the people that was being puppeted to me a few times. Him, and bobble-head Dane Towelry. It was impossible to make any relational connections on my end. It was one-sided in its own way. They kept me entertained and threatened. I could see them as cavemen or their own version of Christian-Arab human trafficking/ male-order bride men. They weren't the only ones who came across that way. Those two and Shawn Shaffer and Eric Hanson could have all inspired the movie "Atonement." Now, it could be Tim and Chance who don't want to figuratively be the dying soldier at the end. Some guys just seem to mysteriously drop off a cliff without any ending and some just remain mysterious cats. I couldn't say I have the same intense emotions, but I could say I have a friendly care-free mindset right now. In my emotional state, I could change any moment.
I think it is Tim aka "Bongo Boy," and Chance Chapman that are there. I had a crush on both of them when I was at ORU. I think I got another random sign a few weeks ago with a video clip of a subway train with Tim being undercover in his own way. I think he pities me and his self but I also think he is around in the matrix because he wants to be there for me and hold my hand in a figurative way......
When I was at ORU, I think having a boyfriend or any relationship serious or not, to be one of the toughest obstacles. Most of the guys I had flings with in Oklahoma were not even in that school because it was that tough to figure out how to connect. I wasn't the ideal ORU honor code student. I went to clubs and so I met some guys both from places I worked and clubbing. I was seriously challenged at ORU to have a boyfriend. I think ORU is one of the toughest places to be challenged to be in a relationship with someone.
There is a bias from both men and women with their own lists of biased reasons:
-They are at the school for the education, not to be married. There was even a joke to "have a ring by spring."
-There are the regular Christian idealogies and bias that Christians even have with each other. Therefore, the chemistry is different and challenging. The chemistry isn't everything. There are high sexual standards that have a higher value with chastity and waiting until one is married.
-Besides people being focused on their own education, there is still a smaller amount of desperation to be in a relationship in the school's environment. It is the type of school where people do want someone who they feel is very compatible. (although some statistics have shown that ORU marriages have a high divorce rate. I think it is 50%).
-There are always a lot of mind games, but the focused mind games or themes during that time made it impossible as well. There was a strong encouragement and push for Christian women to be more feministic. Being either submissive or a sex object at that school especially for women was something that was seen negatively and constantly reminded against. Also, the book, "He's just not that into you," was a big hit during the time I was in school.
(The environment in this town is anything but that. I have yet to figure out everything. Sometimes it is caveman concept. Sometimes it is swinging or a Burlusconi concept. But with the way things are, it is difficult to say a specific concept of anything. Well, yes and no.)
-Before I was hit with so much confusion in capitalism, and besides so many other obstacles and impossibilites, I thought there were so many guys who seriously were out of my league at that school. I know I can come across as being arrogant myself sometimes, but some guys had the potential to be so intimidating. Not all of them were purposefully intimidating, but some I could just look and think to myself without hardly knowing them: "He is way too out of my league."
I was most depressed my senior year and left that school not caring that I was never engaged or married to anyone.
I did have a good time in getting out and living in a city for a few years. I had ups and downs but overall loved the experience of both the school and the city of Tulsa itself....
......Chance Chapman, back to him. He was a crush with a matrix connection that was too abstract/surreal. I could tell besides something going on with everyone, something was going on with that baseball team. There is a lot of detailed drama that I'm probably involved with that I don't know about yet. With how things were run, I definitely had an "MIA Paper Planes," attitude when I was at that school as well. I never understood the structure; I just know I despised and even sometimes loathed it. Maybe Chance is around to hold my hand too. I don't really know the drama that is going on with him. I did have a few laughs though. He is one of the people that was being puppeted to me a few times. Him, and bobble-head Dane Towelry. It was impossible to make any relational connections on my end. It was one-sided in its own way. They kept me entertained and threatened. I could see them as cavemen or their own version of Christian-Arab human trafficking/ male-order bride men. They weren't the only ones who came across that way. Those two and Shawn Shaffer and Eric Hanson could have all inspired the movie "Atonement." Now, it could be Tim and Chance who don't want to figuratively be the dying soldier at the end. Some guys just seem to mysteriously drop off a cliff without any ending and some just remain mysterious cats. I couldn't say I have the same intense emotions, but I could say I have a friendly care-free mindset right now. In my emotional state, I could change any moment.
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