Officially lost

There is someone who is talking to me, but I really do not know.
The one who I have the biggest hunch for is so difficult to answer.
I know he is married and has kids.
Maybe they have a mutually swinging lifetsyle that is of no worry or question, but I have always felt awkward in the depths of some relations with married men.
I flirt to an extent, but when I think it gets too far, it just doesn't feel right, even though I am definitely attracted and interested.
I know I ran into a little trouble about a year ago with Jon S, but he was being pretty heavy with me. I have moved on regardless of whatever rumors go around, but there was a connection and aggression that I could not walk away from.

This current man feels less controlling although he is still predator-like. I don't know him enough to know how to take him. I'm not sure what he is after. I do not want to bring extra drama in my life if his family is not the swinging type.

In my uncertainty with the type of guy he is, it brings additional uncertainty I feel about myself. I'm still pretty upset. I don't think about relationships much with anyone and all I tend to focus on is my own personal upkeep, savings, replenishment, and rebuilding.
I can't say that I would call him a taker, but in my experience, I have doubts that I would be better off after some sort of fling or affair was finished.

Oh My

Ok, there was some good news and things happening today.
I did get a job. I start this coming up week. I went to Millicents today to try to be a little more social. I'm going to be learning some new knitting skills soon.
Today has been a productive day overall: I have continued with a good bit of crafts, exercised, and did a little bit of cleaning.
Now, in my history with men, let's be honest: it is one horrible history. I hate that it causes so much bickering and arguments with the esteem issue. I really like to keep things personal, but it usually isn't personal.
It is hard for me to assume the best of people period. It is hard for me to think that there is no hidden agenda and everything is peaches and cream.
I got a text today where it might be obvious enough and if I were to give him the benefit of the doubt in the most positive way I could, it is still difficult for me to think of it being as very sincere:

~He is thinking to himself: Sarah you just need a hug!~


He is thinking in a more realistic manly way: I can't say exactly what happened to this witch, but this witch is pissed. I'm going to have to literally be a kiss up and tamer to prevent any further destruction:





(I didn't make the photo comment, but he doesn't even look like a loser.)


Personally, I think it could be a karma game/ challenge to my character concerning business and relationships. (It still is not technically a real job.) I can't even use him as a real reference. I can't use anyone as a real reference. Some crazy game that I obviously do not get.
I can't help but think though that he is most likely some sort of Tom cat in disguise.

Hate and Death

There are numbers of people that I have a sincere hate for.
Some know by now that Sid is one of them, and one of his cats is Charlie Sheen.
One of the reasons that I hate Sid is that he is one of the people who are quick to assume and judge a person. I would think that he thinks that I was responsible for his "disturbing hotel attack."
No. I think it is possible that someone would want to give me justice for his lies, rubble, corruption, womanizing, and harassment, but I have never made any choice for something like that to happen.
There are times that I get so angry, I can visualize myself really beating the crap out of someone. I could see myself grab someone's hair and slam their face into a mirror or glass with how angry I get. I've never taken violent action, I can't say I ever would or would not.
I really don't want to. If I was ever in a position where I was seriously getting threatened, I would not argue against or be opposed to the idea of being on the defense. If my fight skills succeeded in murder, I would probably do it in the adrenaline rush of my defense.
I do want revenge on Sid. I do want justice. When I hear stuff in the news though, my thoughts are honestly mixed feelings. I feel a little justice on my end, but at the same time, I would wish for a different form of justice. If the justice is in my name, I think whoever is responsible makes me look bad. I hate karma games. Karma games is not a part of who I am. I do not want to be a victim of someone's "love and war games" where I do not see us as being equal or the same.

I did see Sean Penn's girlfriend. I'm not completely sure how to use my imagination. He could direct it at me or my sis, but I have a better assumption that it is my sister he is with. So, that is the assumption I'm going to roll with.
I think they are both arrogant crackheads. (I really do not want to cause my sister harm and more vulnerability, but she has been to rehab for drugs. She has done both coke and heroine.)
I know people are mad about the movie Precious. Katie is always competing over blacksheep with me. I know Katie gets demonized from time to time by a number of people for the lifestyle she lives. Again, I'm not really one of those people. She is the attacker. She is the one who blames me and brings me into her drama when she feels that she is suffering from demonization and condemnation from the world.
....................
Since Aaron and Chicago has been brought up, I'm really uncertain with where her anger or fight is going. It was years ago with me, her, andrew, and josh. There was this psycho networking going on where we changed names and characters depending on our drama as an interrogation tactic because Josh and Andrew have to much pride and arrogance to ask. They would rather assume and rage with their anger.

I still feel that people are shoving me once again to be a lesbian. If it is coming from Katie, again, I call her an arrogant crackhead.
From females in general, I really do not want to be a lesbian.
I am hurt and angry that men are so hateful and rejecting of me, but even in my anger and hurt, I would rather be single with a vibrator for years until the right one came along.
I am dealing with my debt, and with or without a man, my finances is something I have always been trying to work on myself. I keep getting drowned, buried alive, and screwed over. Everyone hates me. I'm not giving up on trying to fix my debt, but it seems more and more impossible as the days go by.
If men wonder why I talk to women more than men? It really is a matter of availability. I talk to men to from time to time. But, depending on how close I am with someone, depending on levels of trust, and compatibility determines most of the time how much I will and will not share.
Being tortured is a different story. It isn't my fault that I get tortured, but I really think if a man has to go the length to torture whoever he is with, he really has no business in being with her. Men should want to be loving towards women.
Women torture me too, and it disgusts me. I get just as mad at women for their arrogance and vanity probably moreso than men.
I am extremely more choosy with women even though I've never slept with one.
If I had a choice to be raped by a man or woman, I'd rather be raped by a man.
As much as I wish I could be more of a chase with some men, I'm simply too starved with the ones that I am interested in. I'd rather try to make things work, and I think that is why some men run off: they just want the game and the challenge. This is back to the beginning when I first started writing and when I complained about my issues with men. I am the serious and sincere type. Some men, I can see my resistance, and some that I am resistant with, I am very sincere in saying "no." I won't deny though that I get turned on by the aggression that some men can have. I get frustrated that I can't find a good enough balance where there is a good level of compatibility where I do not feel like he is forcing me into a box or label and not acknowledging me. I hate feeling ignored.
Until then, I will suffer in my lonesome until the right man comes along.

days end

I have yet to catch up with last week's apprentice. I need to watch Desperate Housewives and the beginnings of Dancing with the Stars again.

I havn't forgotten about yesterdays postings though.
I'm at wierd odds. I mean it with all of my heart with the songs with Linkin Park and Blue October. I could add James Blunt and Kid Rock in there with them too. Self-pity.
Dancing with the Stars is a little different but still neither contracted nor chosen in my ballcourt. I'll elaborate on the show in a minute.
I feel right now is the time where I am at a crossroads. I hate that it is this extreme. I understand complications and difficulties. I consider Lenny's math to be off with the mail-order bride. I continue to deny and say the Terry Hatcher acting of Susan in this season's Desperate Housewives IS A LIE. Say what you want, Susan's character is nothing but a lie. You know what? Even though I disagree with the abuse of the whole Mo thing, I'd rather be ridiculed for that than suffer a lie at the expense of someone's ego.



I don't think Jay Z likes me, but I feel this song very often. Ladies is pimps too!!!! (not really).

Back to the crossroads. I really don't want to be a hermit. At the same time, I REALLY WANT TO PROVE THAT I MEAN WHAT I SAY IN THE BELTING LYRICS THAT NOBODY OWNS ME AND THAT I FEEL I AM GETTING EXTREMELY TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF AND THAT THIS HAS NEVER BEEN MY CHOICE!
I almost feel like I would have to pull some kind of extreme choice to show that I mean business and that I don't think people deserve me.
There are some people I really don't mind talking to. Ultimately, I think people are wrong in their demands and expectations. I also think they are wrong with hawkishly waiting to accuse me of either being a hooker or greedy just because I hate being taken advantage of and when it isn't even about sex. I think people are close-minded to point the finger at me being either Mother Theresa or Hooker. My own accusations towards others is different judgement and people in and of itself.
I still hate that battles went that far where I had to make that ugly of a comment.

I have a feeling the redhead may feel the same way on the issue of being a humanitarian. The difference is though, I think that she uses religion as her scapegoat for what causes hostility. I think my disadvantage may also be that I'm probably being compared with my family and esp my Kim Jong Ill grandmother. I'd really slap the atheist silly for failing to see their own face in the mirror. That atheists forget they can be just as hostile, disrespecting, and dehumanizing as a person of any faith.

Quick personal opinion over matters of "morals with or without God." Yes, I believe there is a such thing. I don't think people should be so harshly judged and labeled depending on religion or faith even agnosticism or atheism. I know there have been plenty of Christians when I was more devout that have disappointed me. I really do not like having to be a judgemental person.

NY Moscow...... I did say that he did give an apology. I think there could have been a possibility that he may have apologized to me in the hospital as well when I discovered a couple of things about him. He slept with a serious enemy. My parents were secretly (not so secretely in the newspaper) the ones who were responsible for me meeting him. As much as I dislike my parents, I battle against using that against him. It isn't entirely his fault. He may not even be a reflection of who my parents are. It is something that is still very damaging to know. At this point, what man has not damaged me? Even numbers of articles has said that there is no such thing as a serious relationship that has not had cheating. There is still an undeniable attraction and affection that I have for him. I can't give any definite answers with NY Moscow.

I did smile at Bristol's and Mark's dance. If they think that couple is the antichrist, I have no idea why. I didn't think their footing was that great, but I enjoyed the dance altogether.

It leads me to my next thought: Vanguard vs. Fidelity. Vanguard was my brother wing in school I wonder if they still believe to guard oneself even if they get married? What would the purpose of that be if the two really aren't one? If there is no faithfulness in the marriage? If one should feel to be guarded so much, why the hell even get married? Maybe their own skepticism, cynicism, and disappointments in life make them believe they are better off in life to always be guarded, even in marriage. I think it is selfish to the woman and purposeless.

I don't really have many other thoughts. I'd love to be demanding right now with money, but I feel so hopeless and helpless with it.
My finances will make me burn a little later, but in my own self-judgement, I will not be as anxious about it as I was before. Even if I go bankrupt, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I am a victim, but an undefeated victim that knows the world is out of my control.