Hi David

Stress stress stress. This weekend really wasn't too bad. I had a really good night last night in making tips and it has been awhile since I've made a good chunk of money. Although in relief, a bulk of it goes in getting my car fixed today. :( Other stresses are student loans that are yet to be taken care of. I think I will most likely be making some good money in this week and weekend ahead. I usually do at this craft fair and I'm glad that one of the days will be chilly. Even though it is very reasonable to be seasonably ready, people won't always buy my particular crafts on days that are sunny. They did at the last festival. Not everything is predictable, but in my experience I can make some better guess...... I finally finished the first DVD of Aquarius. I don't know if they edited the TV version but I can't believe how violent and x-rated some scenes are. I know it is Charles Manson, but the creators really give it the x-rating that it was. I know I'm still not giving Sam, or my brother in law any credit. Some things are to guess and wonder at but I'm not curious to know what their truths are. I think it is a little funny that Charles Manson looks a little like Ashton Kutcher. Once again, another movie where Ashton Kutcher was the bad man. Ashton isn't on my good side, but I wouldn't necessarily judge him to that extreme of an extent. I think when it comes to men, Dane would be more guilty of a Charles Manson than Ashton. When it comes to women, it really should be more women seen as the Charles Manson psycho. Erin, Stacy, Bree Ann, Katie are my personally most often judged as gang rapists with their men. David, you haven't rubbed me the wrong way yet, but if you do, I'd swear at you the way I swear at the rest of the loser rapist men I've had in my life. With Ashton, the most terrible move he made was with Erin in his totalitarian bullshit. Anything I have ever seen in the system or in my head was a deception made on purpose to either "motivate me, or prevent me from committing suicide"(such terrible vanity). While they quit calling me a schiz, it was still a terror to say anything and everything around me was going to be nothing but constant and intentional lies...........Once again, you are the only person I am giving a present credit to when it comes to having some sort of trust in you. The talk about cults and the way I had a time of a desperate need to be rescued... The terror of some of it has never seemed to be gone. In some ways, people have backed off. In other ways, I know I will always have hateful and jealous barbarians who never realized just how hateful and jealous they were to begin with. Some people have long forgotten the basics and have had such a normalized hate that they can't wake up and realize the person they were and the person they still are. I really have felt ganged up on by pretty much anyone and everyone. Yes, I was looking at Guts church as a cult, but they weren't the only named group I was looking at. The totalitarianism was everywhere. I think some of it could be from the military and some of it from various social or imperial groups. It isn't always easy to see where something comes from or what something is. It was at ORU during the time I was there. If it was because of the way I had broken some of the honor code, what a severe hell fire and brim stone it was to have kept me judged, stalked, and desperately accused the way they had. THERE WERE TOO MANY VAIN PEOPLE WITH TOO MANY VAIN BONDAGE GAMES. I know a lot of people were being such pigs with their unfairness, double standards, and wanting to put everything on me. While I was scapegoated, it was so hard for me to find the right person to blame. Some people were easier to blame or hate than others, and some I more than know I was blind sided to that I still haven't figured or found out about. It isn't that I want to live my life to be their scavenger hunt either. I still don't understand why or how I was the big center of attention that I was. I had no other choice than to stay a challenge against their terrible judgment and the ways I knew I was being buried alive over so many things. I have never stopped fighting in wanting to have the most control over my life. David, you have such a good seduction and sense of comfort and trust, I sometimes feel I could just hand most of the control over to you. Like I've already said, I haven't completely let myself go. I've honestly been let down a lot and don't want to get my hopes up too much. When will I really ever see you again? Will you and I ever have a normal relationship? I have my own sense of time and patience right now, but I don't know how long I will be stuck on you until I just give up and go back to square one to wait. All I feel I can do for now is take my time and wait.

I had a good time

Lol. Really, I did. I was hoping you would have thrown yourself on me more but you didn't. I know you were flirting with me and looked in my direction often. MreOW You are so sexy. Piece of meat. (More than that) I like your mellow music. You're the type if I fantasized with, would be the cabin rugged type. I'd be your homebody, and we'd be warm and cozy and lounge around the house all day. Two other characters you remind me of: Huckleberry Hound, Jeff Bridges, and a body build similar to Tom Cruise. You know, I've been called a hound dog before and I understand. It isn't that you remind me of Jon with Jeff Bridges. I like to be comfy, but I don't always like to lay around in bed or have a depressed reason that rids me there. There is rest, and then there is an either uncontrollable or unbeatable depression. I know I hate Jon, but I am naturally attracted to some of the older guys. I don't even remember the song and don't think it is on the cd but you gave yourself a beating in being old. You old man, if you did throw yourself on me, I'd be laying on top of you right now twirling your chest hair, or we would be spooning. lol. I guess I'm really letting myself go in the fantasy dept. You had some emotions where I didn't know or was unsure of what was going on with you. You looked either really sad or really mad with a very noticeable frown. It upset me some to see you look really upset. I know you weren't upset during the whole time. You had some fun songs, and it honestly cracks me up a little to see you get hip or a little cheesy. You're still a sexy piece of meat. You almost look like you had your own loving/ hurt way of saying mercy in one particular moment. I'm not trying to torment you. ...... You and Trevor have the same thing in common: I've only seen you both once in person. It is like once a guy just goes through the system, he's gone for good. Even when he looks interested or has aggression. Video gaming in its own sense, but it is rarely fair enough, or when the guy ever comes back around for real in person. So why am I still talking to you? I just am. I haven't given up on knowing I still want you and wanting to play around more until I have no reason. Guys seem to always want me at the same time or not at all and I'm not even about playing the game or intentionally being a player. Although I have been single for a long time; I'm still the type that wants to find 1 man to stick it out with. Of course more than sounding like a chore, but to have some constant real romance going on in my life. ...... I'm not sure if you and Jon are friends or enemies. You have a lot of oxy morons in your music and you were kind of an oxy moron with Jon. Sometimes, ppl can be led to believe one side more than another, but I'm not sure about whatever association you have with Jon. For the hundredth time, it's always any man BUT Jon. Well, not any, but I'm sure you get the gist of what I'm saying. And no, I couldn't wait until tmw to talk to you. (you'll prob read it tmw anyway but at least it is off my chest).

Back

Man, did I vacation on my vacation. I feel fat today. I just got back from a 5.5 hour drive a few hours ago and can't make up my mind whether I want to go to the gym. Crab legs, Bacon, Fried Plantains, Ben and Jerrys Chocolate Therapy.... I tried Fried Plantains for the first time and they were so good. I did at least get a good bike ride in yesterday. 2 hours, yet I still feel like I gained a little chub. I love Virginia Beach. It was better than what I thought and is such a perfect pick for a family vacation. I wish I would have had both more time and money. There is just so much to do there. There are 2 main amusement parks to choose from on the ride back. (I wish I could have afforded Busch Gardens this year.) I loved the boardwalk. They also had a nice large mall that wasn't too far at all, that I didn't have the time or money for either. We still had a good time with the time we had. I hate to say how much of an embarrassing brat Mitzi was at some times. She threw a lot of tantrums and made a lot of scenes. It upset me so much that it ruined some of our time. She cried when we arrived that she wanted to go home. Although she was still throwing a violent screaming fit of a tantrum the day before we came back, at least she was crying that she wanted to stay at the beach on vacation. At least she was glad in the end after all. I just have to figure out how to end the tantrums and the scenes. Easier said than done. She had the nerve to intentionally get on my nerves too. ~sigh~ I wasn't perfect either, but of course mature enough to not throw a tantrum. Anyhoo, I'm glad to have finally gone to the beach and hope vacation will be better next year.

As the Sarah Turns

I still have Dr. M on my mind. I see and feel mostly good signs and vibes, but I still have my doubts and uncertainty. ... I'm angry...... I'm angry at what a lot of my life story has been and hate that I have to wonder just how much the same violent pestering vain rapist bastards are on my back. I almost feel as if I am being blindly and heavily stalked to be pestered with the same people and problems. They hate my guts for thinking I am too good for them and will relentlessly harass and rape me to death because this is how I WILL ALWAYS HONESTLY FEEL. Why won't enough people catch on to the sore losers and extreme haters that I have? Why will the same people feel they are right to be conquestial over me and control the way I think or feel? Why won't they see the rape and harassment they are already guilty of and the monster they are? Why won't they see the dead giveaway they are? ....... 50 Shades of Grey. I had to watch it. With the job that I'm in; I know I can't keep myself blindsided and ignorant to it. Once again, it always depends on my will to care and/or some circumstances for me to see or include myself in. While there could be 4 or 5 people to have this share, the most obvious character to guess is Ashton Kutcher. Quite frankly, Ashton never appeared to have a dominant sexual desire like that. I could see the way he was judgmental and dominate, but he just never seemed to be sexual like that. I know I have already come across 2 or 3 that are disturbingly like that and that I am disgusted with. With Ashton though, if he were to give himself the credit and go all the way, I think I see his ulterior motive and hidden agenda with Kate Hudson. Once again, I was glad that I was coincidentally in Canada when 50 Shades of Grey was in the theatres. I know I never warmed up to a friendship with her. They both look like they are desperate to protect their dominance more than anything and keep me buried alive. I hate the way Ashton wanted to be deceptive as having some kind of love and affection. He was at least nice enough to model a relationship that wasn't entirely misogynistic. There was some romance, emotion, respect, respectful of choices when mixed with his "playroom," made most of it ok. I deny that I ever had a real relationship like that with Ashton. I think if there were any close match of "Christian," it would be Jon, and he is very far from being any kind of model about it. It is the judgment, verbal, psychological warfare that just makes me scream for him to die. I hate Jon's guts so much. I hate him for the liar, deceiver, and nigger that he is. I know I see Jon for the cold-blooded lying, robbing murderer he was. He hated my real truth and made such an ugly lie and mess out of it that I will never forgive him. I will never forgive him for the way he thought he won and that he and his other fucktard bitches who he let win, win. I will never forgive him. I hate him for the cold blooded violent rapist man that he is, and IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT JON MADE THE MORBID CHOICES THAT HE MADE. I will never forgive him for the choices that he made. I will never forgive him for making me the nigger, underdog, and butt end of everything. He will always look jealous for how much of an inferior he makes out of me. He never listened to my serious no's and never stopped letting people have a chance with me when they never had a chance with me at all. He has the sickest denial and vainness and lies that he has never let up on. It is such a sick hateful coldblooded morbid rape for ignoring me like that and thinking he and his fucktard bitches deserve me. Words cannot describe his deep morbidness. ............ Yes, I feel better after my hateful rant. I don't want to have to think about it anymore.

As long as you're still the same nightmare

You're still a nightmare that is not worth it. I know the note Edward and I left on. Edward was his own idiot to continue to question or test what I thought of the same dumb other women. I take it as you identifying with "Edward." You still don't want or love me enough. I want every last woman you threatened me with and subjected me to, to be made a slave to my and especially your face. WHOEVER YOU AND THEY EVER THOUGHT THEY WERE TO EXPRESS DOMINANCE ON ME. You were nothing but a pig who never had what it took to make me fight for your love. Your women were nothing but dumb savage pig retards who were going to rape me to death with their retard queen complex. You have always been the same nightmare AND I DON'T GET WHY YOU THINK MY ANSWERS WOULD EVER CHANGE. YOU CAN'T CONTROL HOW I THINK OF YOU OR THEM AND I WILL ALWAYS TREAT YOU AS RAPIST LOWLIFE WORMS. If I ever find a man I demand him to be straight and monogamous. It has always been my ideal it always will be. How dare you threaten to keep me played with your dumb savage women. How dare you not give up on me and continue on with your same dumbass game that I've always hated you for. YOU DON'T LOVE ME ENOUGH AND I HAVE MORE THAN NOTICED THAT. ENOUGH IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO ENOUGH. I DON'T NEED A MAN LIKE YOU IN MY LIFE. I WANT YOU TO GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE. MY IDEALISM WILL NEVER CHANGE.

As the Sarah Turns

It has been a rough week. A long week. I know I'm still not understanding someone's structure now and I don't know the extent of its corruption and sense of reason or sensibility. I won't always know how much of a truth I'm being told or how lied to I am. I know I'm probably being lied about and that people could want to give themselves a twisted credit. I was upset a little at just how quiet one of my crush's were. He eventually opened up a little more but I figured out another important piece of info through someone else. He has kept me guessing for awhile over several things and even if we were never in a relationship together; it matters to me that he is on my good side and doesn't go on my bad side. I can't always figure him out or guess him out but I'm guessing that he is sticking with his girl friend. Ho hum. There will always be other fish in the sea. Whatever scattered information, my best stress was that I am the exclusive type. I'm not open, wanting to be bisexual, and/or in an orgy. I know some men could especially want to be manipulative with my job role as an adult entertainer, but it is just that: a job. .... I wish I had more to talk about or more to say, but this is all I can think to talk of for now.

Colin

Colin, I'm relieved that you're not leaving me in the dark or are out to be a prankster to underdog or try to humiliate me. I've had enough of those, and I am appreciative of the fact that you're being straightforward and mature with some things... I'm glad you think I'm cute and attractive. I keep your belly full?! Ha! You can somehow see me when I strip. awe. wink. Although I can get violent, I'm glad you find me to be cute. I don't like being called the psycho or savage one (when it comes from your opinion for now anyway). When I get violent, my violence has a purpose. Still angry about a lot of things... Not sure if anything will ever be to make of us, but I'm glad that I don't feel as alone with Jon's predatory stalking and harassment. I hate him more than words can describe. ... You're not always an easy person to follow and I don't always know how to take you or if you even are directing something at me. ... You would identify me as a "Falcon." You didn't like the American Woman song, and maybe you could be upset at the violently arrogant block Jon and Stacy are and you want to be the center of my attention? I hate feeling a paranoia and wonder of who's side you could be on. I know the way I have been severely wronged and lied about and I'm not taking back anything I've said against anyone. I don't believe you're Jon Hamm. Speaking of senators and arbitrage, I still get a little lost and confused with what could be your random people. Am I really talking to you? Are some people even made to be a senator for you? Besides you not always being easy to follow on your show, I'm not easily convinced of anything in the arbitrage either. You may have to either repeat what you said, or find other ways to say it, or other communication methods because I don't think we're always speaking the same language, or on the same page. .... In another arbitrage state of thought, I am hoping your wife is just her random self, and that you have no intention of ganging up on me in the capitalist arbitrage with other enemies or people I could know. I'm really hoping your wife is a random person to me that I know I don't know and who has never touched me. ..... That is all I have to say about all of those thoughts. I may have had something else to say or on my mind that I've yet to bring up, but for now, this is all that is fresh and prioritized in my mind.