Justin D' A

Don't take my life like that and don't say goodbye. ... Justin, I have taken in some more info today. While I don't think I see everything I have my own hunches. You could be sorry and you could be more hurt over the way you hurt me. ... I remember I've screamed at you a lot. I have a hazy memory of you and it would probably hurt me to know whatever your full storied truths were at some different times. ... You're sneaking up on me and you just can't beat me yet. I think someone is letting me beat you. I can be competitive but I'm not primarily competitive. I see the other signs and the obvious person I could compare you to and I hate that I have to question you and it greatly hurts that I have to question you in the present. It isn't fair for you to rig the credit not just with yourself but with others to. I don't want to be in the same type of relationship with you that I was with him. You really have seemed to be someone new. You can't take my life like that. As much as I could scream at you for leading me on; I just don't want to say goodbye and I don't want you to say goodbye either. I think you love me and I know I'm falling in love with you. I do feel socked in the stomach though because of the red flag signs I see against you. Stop. I don't know how over powered or smothered you feel by me, but I feel over powered by you and I'm now at loss of words. goodnight Justin xo p.s. reach me in person already so I don't have to reach you through my non-private blogs.

As the Sarah Turns

Last night, there were a lot of good signs from the guy I have recently fallen for. There were good signs this morning too. But now, there isn't. Maybe he was skeptical or doubtful or punishing because I never clicked on some internet links. The title was enough. ...... I'm guessing he is anxious or needs a lot of attention. I've already seen his player signs, and I'm not surprised he is wanted by a lot of women. ........ I see some other signs around on my end. I want to throw myself on him to show that he is the one that I want the most right now. He has a questionably demanding, jagged game. He definitely looks to be very structured: too many social rules. He has his own structured sense of security. He just isn't being easy. I just don't understand if he is so demanding of me or my attention, then why doesn't he make himself easier or more available? Maybe this is just my own anxiety and I have nothing to worry about. Yeah right. I really was happy to see the signs of interest I saw yesterday. I'm more suckered into him. I guess I can only wait and see.

But not all said

Something is not open for conversation and especially, if serious, it needs to be made an open conversation. First off, I remember a comment I said awhile ago. It was along the lines of "men spreading their seed." It still is true; it just varies with seriousness and responsibility amongst men. There is also a family I have been told several times that I look related to, and I'm sure that I'm not related. .... If I were seriously being looked at in a certain way, I can't help but wonder what is in their mind. I have a big blush, but am stunned and paralyzed. I have set a few roadblocks in the way but the only one I am bringing in the open is there a look that comes with some kind of specific reason I could be getting looked at the way I am? My only child's father is still my enemy to this day, so it just can't be a rescue trap. Because there could be a serious choice in wanting to, I don' think it would be as much of a nightmare if it did happen. Is there a serious reason or purpose or symbol? Or, is it just the present season of the year? I still have other roadblocks, but I see the ways I feel more gained on and blocked in and he can't suffocate me into silence like that.

Random Thoughts of the Day

I'm getting my mind prepped a little more for this weekend. Man, I hate it when I have to wait to do something. I know if I make a regular job out of this, I won't always be so anxious to get to work, but for now, I hate that I had to wait my plans out more. It is another "it all depends situation for me." How the club goes, how much money I could be making, how the traveling could work out. This is an easier travel, and that's for sure. It is just like, I could just jump up and go out right now, but I can't just yet. I have to wait for Saturday to get there. I'm that much more ready this time than last time. I have a definite name picked out, and several back up names if I'm feeling something else. I have a longer list of personal preferential music. I have also been working on my stretching. I wish I had a place to get some more pole practice in. I hate this period of waiting though right now. I have an impatience and I want to get this done and decide if I want to keep working more.............. Man drama..........It is like I know some random love interests are out there sometimes, but the radar and mapping is much different. I have a feeling I am still being seen on the radar more than I can see, but it really takes more than some radar communication to make things happen or work. I really did hate when I had not only an easy to see radar, but additional programs to play along with. (still wondering whatever kinds of relationships that was supposed to be) There is a little distal anxiety, but I know my solitude and isolation can pay off sometimes. Some people aren't always available and I'm comfortable in that because I feel more freedom in that. I don't feel like someone is trying to control both ends of the relationship, and I don't feel as much as a slave. (Except with Jon and some occasional random other creeps who are out to murder or want to be murdered by me). I've been thinking about the Farmer Man often lately. I wish I had more of a clue. There is this attraction that I have and I can't get him out of my head sometimes. I am curious to know him more, but at the same time, I don't mind some distance because I don't want to think about a heartbreak or being violently looked at or seen the wrong way. I just don't know what is up with the Farmer man. There are a few other crushes. I'm sure I'll find more this weekend and have a good time with my own "As the Sarah Turns." I know I won't be getting serious with anyone there, but can keep my mind off things and attract myself to other men (depending). I still have plenty of other stuff on my mind, but this is all I will say in my solitude for now.

Dear Rahm

Some new things and old things going on today..... I had my first walk outside for this new year. I have been waiting awhile on the weather, and today was a good day......... So happy to have some of my new clothes delivered....... I've kept my eyes out today to see if there were some things to notice and there are. I think Baby Dale Jr. wants to play a mother and son game with me. AHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't get over that I could have his attention like that. Baby Dale Jr. Baby Dale Jr. I have been thinking of more to say to Dale about "escort services." I think only thing I would do, is give Baby Dale a visual of the show "Survivorman." Although my life isn't that literal, I could still compare my life of survival to it. I really could. I know I have not technically applied for escort services and have not even made any money. Dale doesn't know about the number of types of prejudices that do get impossibly thrown my way, and he doesn't know the number of haters I have. There are just some things to not be fully explained to Dale. And right now, that is all the further that I can go with the topic of Baby Dale.................... About "Pete" the Heart Dr., or whoever else he could be, I'm just not going to completely trust him. He may be making some smooth moves, but I think he has some sort of ulterior motives where he wants to teach me a lesson, have something to prove, or take advantage of me to have some kind of "dominate say," said. I'm just not sure of him. Rahm, you don't seem to be possessive looking yet. I'm not sure what you think of him.......I wish I could have more to say but nothing much else going on. I'm probably going to go out tomorrow night and rock on. I think I might even have some fun at the casino. Are you still around/among there, or what other places are you among/around?

Today's thoughts on my mind....

hmmmm. where do I start? I can't wait to get my taxes back. I am burning for them.... I did do a little window shopping today the shop before the shop. I need a decent pair of boots that will painlessly last me for a few days. Of course most are picked over and a there is a new season of shows being readied. I have needed these boots for awhile, and there were actually a few boots that were decent. I have also been needing some new perfume... I havn't decided which perfume to select yet. There are some I know I like, but just can't make up my mind. Today, I finished off spraying myself with a perfume that reminds me of me. It smells good, but there are other perfumes that I think smell better. ahahh ha ha nothing personal. It is the comfort of this certain perfume that I'm getting sold on. I could eventually pick 2 different types, but I don't know if I want to spend that much on just perfume itself.... I've made up my mind I'm going to Canada. I will be taking Mitzi out to a different place and then later in the summer we will take a vacation to Florida or even maybe somewhere in the Caribbean. I have to look up the types of beaches with pollutions and tides to stay away from..... Canada has been on my mind though. Boy do I need a real good break..... Plenty of other thoughts and stresses. I lost my cell phone. I'm sure I'll eventually find it but I can't stand being without it. Still anxious for a job. I might study for life and health insurance again. I'm not gung-ho for it, but if I eventually do get a job, the job will eventually be a good amount of income. I did see a local job that really wouldn't have been bad to go for in itself. It was definitely not a dream job, but a job where I could at least get some sort of money for now. I wanted to apply tomorrow but my gut is telling me no. I see a little arbitrage info flying around, and whether or not I have crackheaded men who like me, or an actually smart-level-headed man who somehow knows matrix info, I'm just going with their instincts. They make it sound like it is another torment trap. Another rapist groping bossy woman who fantasizes about being my dominatrix. Because of my history, I couldn't doubt more similar things would keep happening in the present..... Something is up with a few people and a few men right now, but everything is just not clear or spelled out enough. I just can't be sold into believing anything or anyone. .... waiting for my taxes, waiting for or finding a job, I can't stand waiting. Such an anxiety that I have right now....