Love what I ran into

I don't know exactly what I ran into, but I really had a good time a few days ago. OHHH, that was so good. I didn't expect the intentional "coincidence," to happen or happen like that, but whatever it was, it was good. I would hate to ruin it if my head was messed with, with possible guesses. A sincere lust trap? A temporary band aid and avoidance with other people who just don't know what to do about or with me? Something more than just a moment? I really would hate it if he turns out to be another man to bully me..... Can't get him out of my head for now. hum diddly dooo.............. Other things going on that are good and bad. I have yet to finish Mitzi's poncho. Just the hood I have to learn to do. I did get my cowgirl cowell finished. This is definitely a rough draft cowell. I made a mistake somewhere along the way where my knitting was off. Although it isn't the exact matched pattern, it still fits well and looks designed well enough. Because cowells fold over anyway, the design of the pattern really isn't noticed as much. Some of the pattern I did okay, but there was a number or segment of stitches I missed. I just need to sew on buttons in the back to completely finish off. I'm excited though, because this is a new product I am excited to sell. I don't know which yarn I want to pick for it. The yarn I picked works well, but there are other types of yarn that could probably work better. Another thing to make up my mind with......gloves yet to do. More inventory to keep up on and replenishing. More ideas to try. How will I work out my crafting this year....... One of my own band aids that can't solve my ultimate income dilemma....... Christmas will be exciting this year, but oh do I have a painful dent in my savings acct. Impossible time of year to not spend. I can't wait to spend more and am seduced into buying more with all of the sales and things that will look good on me. But, I am forcing myself to wait and try to bring my savings back to a better equilibrium. Less than a week! I can't wait for Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Tom

Congrats to both Ben and you on the awards ceremony. Sorry for the slight disrespect about not knowing if I had a Ben who he was. This is obviously something that matters to you and sorry if I embarrassed you a little. Been very frustrated these days and I usually don't hold my tongue as much in my frustrations..... I'm still not going to assume too much. You are giving me another guessing game. He loves me. He loves me not. I think the curly hair blond you have been looking at is Shakira. Something going on in the matrix with her. Maybe you are intentionally putting her in my line of fire.......Before talk with her, talk with you.......Tom...Tom, is it that you do regret the boob job remark or is it a continued structured kill? I do have different ways of looking at you. Maybe you want to keep playing a game where I don't really get how your ball keeps rolling, or maybe you don't understand my own complications in my own structure. It really was a matter of direction with you and I. One route was being serious about being in a serious relationship. I felt I have taken a hint and you were sincere in your rejection. The other route was, while you may not have a serious plan in mind, you still wouldn't mind having me around as another carefree playmate. Less emotions involved. Being seduced into a different kind of survival plan. Two different routes where the story and actions and reactions aren't the same. While you still seem structured, you seem like you have some misunderstanding........ Shakira, maybe you were laughing or cheering for me in my kill against Javier that he is not my type and his story in "Vicky Barcelona," wasn't my truth at all. I do appreciate you for siding with me in that one. It really was an abstract story from the start. Shakira. I think she is mad at me when she figures out the truthful thoughts I have against Adam. I think she is embarrassed that she is far from being on the same page, and nowhere near being "queen status," to me. It is like she is intentionally not giving up on wanting me to be her conquest by going for other men who are involved with me. That is all the simple truth was from the start: There is not a single thing Shakira can to to be my "queen." It is like she wants to intentionally homewreck any man I find interest in. I really don't have a clue on what her bloodlust or hatred for me is. It has nothing to do with any kind of educational contest. I am not her conquest period. She never has and never will have me owned for her sake period. No other female will. Katy Perry can keep talking her ass off all she wants to. When I was thinking in the other route with you........ I still wasn't seeing myself as their loser just because I may not be #1 on your list. It really would be just business beyond this point. I understand the difference in my will to survive. I'm not seeing myself as being another victim of another man's chauvinist will to live. You love me or you don't. Regardless of whatever your love could be, you seemed to come across as a good humanitarian. You seem to get how impossible my life was and the totalitarian control that keeps living to make my life miserable. This is the impression you have on me. Besides some of the other drama, this is how I personally take you right now.

Thinking Out Loud

First off, I am looking forward to watching what is in my next Netflix queue. Not sure how real it is or if it will ever be a truth, but looking forward to watching it anyway..... Second off, while being a spring crafter this year again was against my will, I am sold on a vendor ad: "The right place to sell your art." How agreeable it is with the amount of publicity and people, and that some of it is décor that could be made for a condo, home, or trailer. While it would be costly to pull it off, the worst that could happen is that I had a personal getaway that pays for itself. I think as a knitting crafter, I want to specialize in purses and bags. I sold quite a few this year. While they still have sold better in the winter, there is still potential to be a year-round product. I've also thought of a few more knitted products that could be year-round. Knitting them would not be an overall waste because I could still wait to sell them in the winter next year. There are a lot of other experimental crafts to try and other more elbow-greased creativity where I could make even better works of art for decor. The risk is and isn't there. It would still be an investment to prepare. If I didn't find a job in time it wouldn't be as big of a deal because I would have more time to invest. I still know I want a part time or full time job. With my clocks, it isn't practical enough to be a full-fledged entrepreneur. I still need a regular flow of money until I find the right entrepreneurship I want and a well-saved of a saving account that I have for it. Crafting will probably not be my first priority of business when I become an entrepreneur........ I can't help but get excited in being a crafter sometimes. While being a crafter is practical enough, I'm still too practical. I can't win and I can't lose in being a crafter. Actually, I do have some wins in it. When it comes to making money, I know it is more practical to keep looking for a job, or keeping a door opened to God to work in his own ways of wonder.......... I've been having dreams in the night very often lately. I can't remember them all, but I remember some of last night's dream. I was somehow sent back to ORU to finish off the first field that I picked to get a degree. Everyone was saying "You know how much you want to be a broadcaster of some sort whether it be through radio or TV. You know you have a passion for it." I did have some agreement. But, I was even practical in that dream too. I thought, I know I can't afford to pay for another education. I know that unless I make it big with being a TV broadcaster, neither radio nor television broadcasting would pay off. It would be more years to pay off the other degree and the new one in addition. How else would I be taking care of Mitzi? If I ever did go for that field again, I wouldn't be picking ORU. It was just a dream during the night. With how the world has worked, it would be years or have big changes made where I would have the desire to want that kind of job. Something random to have come up in my life.

Surprise surprise

I already see the present resistance and the way I am being denied. My word and truth against them and my best guess at the list of people which are made up of the "them". I know my truth. They didn't prove anything. I still think the same negative thoughts against them. I don't know when my next job will come by. But besides being available to a next job, the pimps have won the better of my skepticism. I hate the long Gadaffi games and how most are never found out. I have a right persona and ideal in mind for a certain man. I'm pretty sure a number of the right ones know most of my oppressed story and that I'm not going to be dumb with my vulnerability. Of course another ass will want to make a contest out of it, but my life has never been sold out to be the competition other people have made it to begin with. http://youtu.be/TRbsNmZocnw Whether a right man or not is still around I'm waiting to find a way to meet, or just wait for another job where I'm sure it will be the same sad repetitive story. Maybe some job will prove me wrong.

Dear Tom

I love you. I do like your first job title better. The thrill of asking about the description is too thrilling and actually a little scary. ahahah I'd really want to be just yours. I am actually going to apologize for doubting your ability to challenge me. Whether or not you mean it (it looks like you do with the long elaboration) I take it as a compliment. I know I can think big, but when I am focused on my present survival, my present survival cannot be ignored. Although I don't want to admit I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding. Not everyone is a shark but I bleed in ways you may or may not get..... and how could you keep me in pain like that?................... You really don't look like you're rejecting me in anyway, so I'm going to somehow stay around you. Am I really the only lady you are a lady's man with? Yeah right Tom, just admit you have a lot of women who want you. You don't seem to be intentionally threatening in anyway today................... I don't like Jay Lo or Jessica's arbitrage because they said something terrible about my baby. I don't ever want Mitzi to compare or identify me to her when she gets older. I have never said or even thought something like that to Mitzi. No she doesn't have my forgiveness. I didn't see the awards show. I obviously missed whatever happened there. I do remember that one movie you were in a long time ago. I think it was Harold and Kumar wasn't it? Maybe Ben Stiller. They get stranded in the jungle and you were the one who was their boss and left them to fend for themselves and refused to rescue them. It was almost as if you were a darker version of me who was yelling at Shawn and Eric through you. Maybe you had a backwards way of yelling at me for the killer I was. Not 100% sure of the socialism of it all. I knew I was really the defenseless one with no power. They were putting my survival at stake and driving me insane with the violent chauvenists and assholes they were. If you were a white knight; I very do much appreciate you, and I appreciate the way you would either wake them up to how angry I feel, or the punishment/karma. I still don't believe in karma. Maybe you have kept your eye on me for a while? I love you Tom. Not 100% sure about your history and especially your last marriage. I noticed the end of the Mission Impossible and the two other women she looked like. Am I already another divorcee, or was that another strategy to lead me on? Maybe you love Zoey more..................... You give me more reason to be scared for the mystery you have with truth of both your history and your secrets. Maybe not everything is a secret or maybe you could have conversations waiting for me. .................. I feel a little burned already from some things that have already happened, but like I said, you don't look like you come across as intentionally being a threat or rejecting today. ..................................... I just can't get you out of my head

Too much static

Not completely sure if I'm understanding you Tom. There are times where I feel where it is fun with you and I, but I don't completely trust what is going on. Am I talking to the real you, or are people using you to manipulate me? Not just manipulating me for their sake but what if you're being talked about and it is or isn't the truth? It is too difficult right now to completely trust in anything. Maybe you have such a bigger madness about trusting the truth and that is why you would become a scientologist. I don't want to go there yet and religion isn't in my head right now. ...............I love some of the company you give if it is the truth.....some company I'm not sure of....Tom, about the movies.... I'm already behind on the Netflix list I have. Sometimes it is hard to watch movies around the house when I do have the time because I do have a baby around. I will make the time though. Not just because you tell me to either. I love to explore. Some frustration still with pretend and how it counts in spending time with you and getting to know you. I know I'm nonchalantly having somewhat of a conversation; sometimes my own blogs or talk keep me calm. I feel relieved you understand there is serious stuff going on in my life. Survival isn't simple. There is still such a pressure and waiting and angst. I feel left a little hanging. I'm so anxious. Even if the obvious assumptive suggestion on the table is never met or come in to place, you have a piece of my heart. What a fact of life you are. You are the reason to having some of my anxiety and it is harder to keep to myself. Sorry if Tom doesn't want Sarah to speak but speak, Sarah must. ....goodnight xoxoxoxoxo

Dear Rahm

Where do I begin Rahm? I can get you somewhat, but I feel mostly alien to your language and sexual way of life.....My guess to your trap I can say in an extreme way if you are speaking figuratively. You have not officially betrayed me, but I feel you want to cut, label, and stamp my sexual lust for you into being another SIM world sex object. You would seriously give my lust for you a number like that? Is it really nothing? With all the train talk and stuff, you sound like you could be gung-ho for SIM world structure, and would want to simplify all life and communication into your extreme tyrant control. Besides other people, I am also reduced to just another Sim. Maybe you aren't even thinking of me in a swimsuit, but I'm in the mix of your customized version of who you want your "in the sun/ swimming" romp with. I do fantasize at some beach getaway with you........ I know you're leading me on in your own way. You just don't understand what you look like and the way I am puzzled. It was disappointing to learn Brian Williams belief in polygamy. You, seem to have a literal straight marriage and a down-low not so secretive gay marriage. You also seem like both of your marriages are open and anything goes anytime you want to. You have a little bit a way of making me feel special to you, but I do believe you could have some pretty mean intentions. Maybe I have succeeded as "a model," in your eyes. This model has more catwalks to strut and I still have a lot of problems in my personal life. I giggle because I may not be a literal super model but I am serious about problems I have in my life. Your open-marriage bisexuality is something I am alien to and don't really want to conform a lot with. I do dream of having a monogamous marriage one day to a man. I wish there were more leaders who did believe in sexual commitment and of course the commitment not just being sexual, but a completely committed marriage. If I ever were to have some kind of real sexual romp or getaway with you, the life in that would only last so long. If you are out to protect my life blood; you don't sound like you could be permanently capable of knowing or understanding how to protect it.

Have to Scream a little

This is no crisis yet.
It could turn into one if he is deaf or dumb with me.
There is man1 right now who has been making himself somewhat clear on his end but too many mixed signals that are pissing me off. If I am his "wife," I really see it as him being a player playing the field while we would be further labeled as his numbers of "concubines." Conquest my ass you, Man1. Based on some information given he has betrayed my trust in several different ways. I do not trust him. I am mad at how quickly he has betrayed and possible suggestion that everything should be "ok," and that it seems he is expecting the impossible from me. If there is anything he wants from me, it isn't possible.
I know how my phrases are defined. Notice, there aren't much details in the story, so the "professionals," that want to call further shots still don't have it and I'm not asking for the "overlords," to be desperate in peering over my shoulder or tormenting me with their "superior shotcalling."
He may eventually know some things for himself. Unless he is already running and doesn't plan on making pursuit or persistance it may or may not even matter. Man2 could be defending himself through another foodstamp, but he still looks like a Joe. Some confusion and mixed signals that I'm deciding to stay quiet with for now.

Random Thoughts

Made it to 3.5 miles running the full time today. I had already hit just 3 miles a month ago, but I'm just going to give myself a brag anyway that I can run the full distance.
I definitely have a lot of things to be angry about and things about life to have all sorts of emotions for. I sometimes have some good emotions, but others bad which can lead to feeling severely terrorized.
I can tell there is some communism that keeps taking control of my life. I don't know who the architect is right now. The one thing I can tell is that he/she definitely wants me to commit suicide. Same problems, same people, same stories said over and over and there is neither point nor end. I have a pretty hateful architect on my back that obviously lives to terrorize me and wishes for me to commit suicide. But, I'm very blind to whoever this architect is and whatever purpose and whatever picture........... I have my own way of telling this architect to commit suicide back or wish the worst on them, but it is just another problem that is impossible.......
I havn't known how to end and/or resolve so many of my problems for a long time. The clock keeps ticking and there has been nothing yet to prove......
I sense that there is some kind of support still out there but my most serious demands still are not met. It seems endless and the architect sadistically wants to keep taking their good old time.....

Some happy thoughts..... Although I hate the sad story of my obvious poverty and dogmatic poor person statistic, the comfort of listening to music gives me comforting thoughts anyway. I Still love Coldplay and Chris Cornell and plenty of other artists. The architect wants to ruin some other music I appreciate with their own terrorism but I still know I exist and give the credit to the obvious real singer.
I'm still not enthralled with being a crafter. However, I like the few extra opportunities I have for the spring and summer to make money but still want to save the most for the winter and the fall. It is good news though that I have a few more opportunities to try to make money.
The winter time stinks with trying to keep Mitzi entertained. We get tired of some of the same things. I found a place to take her out tonight so I'm excited for finally getting out with Mitzi. There have also been a few more jobs to apply but not a whole lot of opportunities or promising places yet. I may take myself out again tomorrow night but feel indifferent to going out.
I can tell there are some people who are hungry to know what I think of the baby's father. I just don't care about sharing what I think of him. I think he is a grotesque, barbaric, and a hateful loser. Through someone's system, it seems like he lives to be a vulture and lives to hate on me. It is as if he has hated me for a lifetime and is desperate to say so and do so. I havn't looked up to him from day one. The way he has continued to ignore me and seem to endlessly have a domination game is grotesque as well. He is desperately, grotesquely, and terrorizingly judgemental. He obviously has abandoned us and I don't trust him with Mitzi that much at all. I don't think he would be a good father and someone like him would make her life miserable anyway. I feel somewhat safe with the separation that is here but still feel helplessly terrorized on some occassions. If it makes anything easier with being harassed less, I will let him give himself the credit of rape. I obviously do feel overpowered and helpless in someone's structured world and know that there is nothing I can do about the barbarian he is. Some instances of support don't do a whole lot for me. Yeah, it is good that I feel a little less helpless, but there are still not a lot of my problems solved. I don't see anything going anywhere. Someone's cheap efforts to make a quick fix.
Despite some horrid history that I've lived through with some men, I feel the need to announce that I still am a straight woman regardless. I don't need any lesbian harassment either or feeling another way of being ignored that someone isn't taking a hint.
Snowflake
Snowflake
Snowflake     Despite such horrifying history and odds; I may find the right man one day.

1st Blog of the New Year

There is nothing really eventful to say other than a new year; a new habit to memorize a numerical digit when writing down the date. A few New Years resolutions but none necessary to blog about. I did beat my 2 mile limit today and can now do 2.25. Yay, go me. ........
There are always a lot of random things going on..... I think I'm going to try out my sewing machine today. It would be great if I found just one or a few crafts that sell well that are made in a qicker amount of time with a larger quantity, where I would eventually be making a larger amount of money. In entreprenuership I never wanted to go big with crafting, but if I came up with something I could make better money with, why not? I think I am going to wait for the next year for one opportunity that came up. I may try either a spring or summer event just one more time to see if I can sell during that season.
I have a good bit of my to do list out of the way. There is always one thing or another that comes up. One difficult thing about Mitzi is that it is much more difficult in getting work done around the house. I tell you what, babies need so much attention. I have a pile of dishes to get out of the way and hopefully I can get a little more accomplished than that.
Every once in awhile I am able to get a relief when I get the message across to someone. I had a moment like that yesterday which was good for me of course, but not so much for the other person. With the messed up world its been though, getting the message across to someone doesn't always work. Oil tycoons exist. Stalkers and harassers exist. I think I've already elaborated before over the gist of harassers, stalkers, and oil tycoons.
Tyranny, communism, and fascism is nothing new. It has always been a problem. However, there are some times more than others where the controlling fascism or communism is more stronger than other times. It has always bothered me when people do not give up their persistence of wanting to control what I do or don't value or how I feel or won't feel about things. It is an issue that I'm sure everyone can relate to, but not always perfect when it comes to double standards or just simply listening or hearing a person. I think I've made Flogging Molly a broken record already, and I'm sure it will be a broken record of mine for awhile.......
There isn't much drama for now. If there are any obsessed with my personal life soap opera, of course the obsession has never been ok. If popularity is the only thing that sometimes wins, why not take advantage of the obsessed? ha (not really being too serious)..........
 But still thinking to the future,........ I love you to Mr. Mystery Future somewhere out there:

http://youtu.be/jHw_DcSsNQk