Pre Talk

I have yet to see the last episode of Apprentice or even watch YouTube.

I've already "been fired," from the show, so no future surprises were really surprising. I feel I am experiencing more provoking and feuding though at the end.

I hate being on bad terms with people, but I feel the need to keep my ground and remain standing.

Extent is the keyword. Job description is another key word. This means that although I may be the loser, I still have boundaries and my own territorial view of myself.
I'm upset, because I think I've already experienced enough Tyranny and extreme issues of control where the word "boundary" seems to never had been read from a dictionary.
I know there is always a structural/systematic rule that was used against me for the fact that I drink and let loose.

It is what both makes me angry and even more disregarding. I am once again being manipulated in how to live my life.
No, I havn't even been to an office party nor even have partied with them outside of work. Setting is the factor. At my literal job, no. I still have yet to figure out this setting. But even at my literal job, I'm mostly anti social and still won't be told how to live my life outside of work.

I am not going to throw drinking and letting loose out the door just because some people want to use that against me for their reason of not being impressed.

I would rather just let them talk and simmer than change myselt to be a people pleaser, conform, or competitively up moral standards and feud over being a black sheep with people. I just don't roll that way. I live my life the way I want. People can be impressed or unimpressed.
After everything I have been through, I consider myself to have lost no ground. I know what I have experienced, I know the abuse, riggings, and manipulations I go through.
I still wish people would just admit that they don't like me and label me as a free thinker. They could even add on with other adjectives and adverbs. I'm just sick of either being set up to fail or called inadequate when I really think there is more to the issue than meets the eye.
The difficult thing is the varied and numerous groups I have been through. Not every group I have been through is the same. I still feel like a lot of people really do not know or understand me. I still remind so many others that we see the world differently. I do feel very rigged and manipulated in so many instances that I've lived through and that I have experienced additional abuse in a lot of situations. Again, it is what I decide of when how and who I want to express myself. There will always be exploiters who want to exploit every details. I will remind other people though that there is a difference between an exploit and a personal shared expression whether it is a sincere choice or forced way of getting me to talk.
So, how do I conclude? I continue with my life the way it is now. If I have to remind people of what my views are, or my up to date thoughts or opinions of things that matter, than I may say some things.
Until then, I press on to the future, and continue to look for ways to be more preserved, and throughout the tricks and trials, learn from my experiences.

Random thoughts of the day

Today really hasn't been that eventful, but productive enough.

Hmmmm. I'm looking forward on the continuation of my business. I continue to meet more people within my crafting network and am happy for my business to be a little more out there. Right now, money is too tight, so there is not a whole lot I can do. In the meantime, I spent a small sum of money anyway (which in my current budget is a lot) to take a class to advance my knitting skills. It is the basic mandatory class I need to take before the knitting instructor really wants me to progress onto other projects. There have been other ideas I have had in mind, but because of money and expenses, every single time her response is that I need to take the basic knitting class first. Anyway, I'm excited to both learn and get it out of the way so I can learn how to knit other things.

The next thought is yesterday's news with Kathy Griffin.
I feel that I do not deserve any kind of support, loyalty, offense, or defense from any branch of the military, but the troops booed Kathy anyway over a comment she made over Bristol.
While I may not be directly connected, I still appreciate it very much.
Thank you U.S. military and troops. Thank you for booing her.

I've already previewed some night time shows and I think I'm going to go with Letterman tonight. I see Conan is back on and Lopez is on at a later time. I may not be able to see the entire show of each of the shows. In my world and structure, even though I have a high hatred for human trafficking and past judgement, harassment, and blasts, I still have a spontaneous and observable approach to night time shows.
I think there is a lack of choice, privacy, level of control, level of chaos, but I deal with different things as it comes.

In another random thought, I invented a mixed drink tonight that I'll just call: ice cream drink. On a poor budget, I have limited liquor's and liquids at my parent's house. So, tonight's drink, I have some leftover ginger brandy from Thanksgiving that I mixed with some eggnog (which was really good). And my inventive drink of the night is the ginger brandy with some cream soda and milk. For people who read into things, I'm not trying to be perverted (with other catty relations I have observed before). But anyway, it really does taste a lot like ice cream. It is pretty good. It wouldn't be my favorite or first choice of a mixed drink, but its not bad for my own limited budget experiment.



Speaking of money, I really do hate my own life's limits, but as I live, I make the most with what I have. It can be so bothersome at times where I have felt like I have definitely had better prosperous days. I still look forward to the future while I make the best of what I have now.

Not enough Time in the Day

I really wish there were more time.
So much to say. Only some things to choose to write.
I feel I have gotten some things accomplished today, but just not enough time to do everything I need to do.
I wish I had more time to read some more twitter articles and blogs too. I think if some info is important enough, someone may find some way to reach me to talk about it.
Other than that, I feel like I do have some conversations sometimes.
Most conversations, still seem to be unresolved. I think some people are trying to use different strategies or sneaky ways to attack me for whatever reason, victimization game, or domination game. It usually falls under one of those categories where people usually try to blame me.

Anyway, I remain on my own and still like it that way.

I do pick up on some drama though where I am concerned with other people.
One situation I do not know how far some connections or matrixes may go. I only have one direct example whose names I will leave out.
I consider one person to be hateful, hostile, and to be straightforward, abusive. I question if he has sincere feelings toward me. I think his issues of anger may be bigger than any positive feelings he may have. And to add on, it is a dangerous situation and not something that I would feel safe in pursuing.
The other person who is involved puts me in a tough and undecided spot where I feel I have to choose one side or the other and meaning it in a platonic way. I think the other person wants to defend my honor despite issues or things he may have against me. I'm still very upset over the matter, but right now, I really feel the need to stay focused and very directive in my own personal life. I feel like I should take this person's side, in a platonic sense, and I am.

I don't have time to cover all of the drama.
I feel approached by someone to help another, and I hardly even know him. He is an obvious attraction, definitely a well-known attraction and ladies man. But the issue of distance is a factor, along with the factor that I don't really know him well. I would be willing and make myself available to give some kind of company or someone to talk to, but I don't know what he wants or how I can help him. I feel sorry for him.
I also think Russia may be wanting to use him to lessen my blows, harshness, anger, and arguments that I have against them.

There is some other drama going on that I really do want more details. The thing is the dilemma of it all. I'm a secretive person, and there are most likely numbers of people who are wrong in guessing what kind of drama I would want more details and story on. So, I will remain silent until I figure out some ways to choose my agenda.

So much attention yesterday

Where do I begin, I think I will talk about the magazine in a whole different blog.
As for yesterday's gossip and internet articles, it is another overload.
Gossip flies in wierd ways. Because it has been known of my stubborness and headstrongness, I think I have been pretty much back to back my entire life with numbers of people. Therefore, it is common for continued feuds of "you don't know me," and intentional dysfunction so that other people who may have a larger crowd will get away with their stalking and issues of competence.
Yes, being solo, it does have its positives and negatives. One of the negatives is it is much more difficult to recieve an honest and competent acknowledgement.
I continuously have to reassert myself to say I am queen of my own world. In some settings there is reasonable lines and job descriptions that I don't have a problem with. I plow through manipulations and communistic people none the less.
Yes, I have a serious issue with Bree. While we both don't know each other, because she is part of the bandwagon, she will always get the upperhand of the "you don't know me" fued, and it is expected that I will be at her mercy on ends of communication.

In picking up on another's gossip yesterday, I think she may have directed Bree at being a "best friend" in college and maybe even trying to fill in some puzzles that she must have some how been wired and systematically simmed in my college world somehow. I have seen some connections that possibly trail back to Sid even though I never even saw Sid in Oklahoma. The matrix has weird ways of working. Anyhow, I think somehow, people networked them to be involved in my college life. There were semi-relationships with guys that I went through that really weren't serious but moreso crushes or guys that I played games with. I have never considered Bree a best friend and even current gossip times "a lover." I think she did catch on to the whole horse thing that was commercialized by others and my anger against it. People honestly were trying to make me paranoid over the issue. I think because it was a failed attempt of some people's fantasy; they made me the scapegoat. It isn't surprising or unpredictable that they would. They knew I was offended, but in most ego fueds, my offenses usually aren't acknowledged. If they are acknowledged, they are acknowledged in a way where I am in some kind of committed crime, being a terrorist, or being some kind of hater in some way when there really is a more complicated story that gets extremely boxed.
Anyway, I blamed Jon the most. I said he, among other men have issues that I do not have a begging or slave mentality towards them. Because of it, they are trying to save their own ego by telling others that there is something wrong with me. Sometimes, it is "schizophrenia," (but I think they are learning most people no longer buy it). Oftentimes, it is that I must be a lesbian. There were other times though where some guys throughout life have presented themselves to "seriously care," and said that I was cheating on them with someone else. This is another example that I complain about the expectation factor. I have not, let alone, gone on a date or had opportunities to spend time in getting to know them or even feel comfortable knowing them in a normal way.
And, I also expressed my anger at Bree that she is not my mom and that I am still queen of my own world. She may have some roles in scattered manipulated matrix positions where she is the boss BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I GIVE MY LIFE TO HER OR THAT SHE OWNS ME. I think she among others do try to go beyond my borderline just to prove they can, and I have ridiculed them back to say that they only play with themselves. I have said that their manipulations really do not have much power or control in my life while with other people they may get away with it.

Sid, he stays mysterious as usual, but I am starting to pick up on an expected slave mentality he wants from me. If I do not get him; am on the same page; know what is going on in his life; then I'm the "stupid one." He is such a pig to have the nerve to call me "Rose" and at the same time expect me to know everything about him. Throughout my mixed feelings he has failed to see that I'm really not his constant stalking Rose. I guess I could be a little stalkish sometimes when I am seeking info to look out for my own safety. And sometimes, I am curious about himself. But, I am not his slave. I refuse to be "at his mercy." I reminded him that I am not part of his commune; that I have a mind of my own and can speak for myself.
To continue on with the idea; I toss aside the idea that Katie and I are twins. Maybe to acknowledge us as so brings about some peace to people and competitions that they can get in. But, I think it is sloppy, one-sided, cookie cutter, and lazy judgement to call my sister and I twins. Maybe if I were in a city there would be more sophisticated and open-minded recognition. But usually, when I am compared to my sister or shared systematically with other people, I continue to grow tired of manipulation.



Yes, I am obviously relating to shared feelings with this song. I am just altogether and have been sick of the system. Shared feelings only go so far. People have different values, cares, and so on after a vague or outer layer of onion commonality.

Bob, it looks like someone is threatening to murder you and maybe even confronting you on being a predator. It convinces me of more responsibility you must have for the chaos in my life. I also get convinced of other things. Because I don't know many details I don't know what to say. I'll draw more attention to you, but I have no comment. At this time, I choose to be silent.

Another connection in my world was the issue with the indoor boyfriend.
http://www.lemondrop.com/2010/11/18/have-you-ever-had-an-indoor-boyfriend/?icid=maing%7Cmain5%7C5%7Clink2%7C29256
I understand that people must somehow want to create structure and take out chaos by creating a setting that may make some sense. It does to an extent, but the truth is, I am still alone and untouched. I am not snuggling with anyone. I do not have a real life presence that is with me where we have plenty of spoken conversation. Yes, there are crazy methods of communication, but to see the picture like others do; I don't. I think it also could be a testing. In this instance, I am bothered by the questioning. Some people may see him as "obnoxious." Some people may percieve me as "uncomfortable and/or embarassed." But the truth is, I am appreciative of the manliness. It is something I would want. I don't understand how it is visualized or put together in my world. I may feel uncomfortable but I think it is an obviously uncomfortable situation and I do give appreciation at the work done to be protecting. Once again though, the trouble is I see a couple of different connections where even Sid may be trying to reach me and I don't really know who feels that way about me.


In other rumors, I think people want to inform me that my sister may have slept with Joe Flacco. I never understood Joe to begin with. I'm not really heartbroken, but it makes more sense as to why he would have hostile aggression against me. I still do not know what it is that he is trying to get at.

I already have given some feedback in other places I have been to some people. After being put in some kind of spotlight, I am sure that they somehow know how I feel, and hopefully the message comes across very competently and honestly. I don't quite understand the setting or how connections are made. More manipulation. And either kidnap talk or cheap talk. (In a kidnapped situation, feelings are always manipulated anyway).

I'll write a blog later on where I talk about the magazine articles. ........