Dear Jon

Before I talk about last night's example itself of yours with your guest, it is a reminder of something I have said in the last letter. You're up to something. While it is easy to catch on to how you present Judy, I can't see what it is I should be catching onto with you when you're talking to me.
It wasn't too much of a big deal to catch up on the beginning and the Palin gossip. You're either being literal with others or playing your own doll game with me when it comes to talk about politics. It is all in your mouth not mine. If I should read into something, I really don't know how I should take it.
As for you in the French maid? No, Jon. It doesn't turn me on. Funny, but not a turn on. If you were being serious about wanting to be the boy toy, you could have a sweaty and slightly dirty shot with your shirt off dressed as an oil rig worker. Maybe even picture fantasies of a vacation on a nice beach and have one of those outside spas where there is a tent overlooking the ocean while getting a nice backrub.
Actually, I have a lot of mixed emotions but some seriousness that you really do make me nervous. And, tease as I may, I really don't know what to think right now other than other conversations offered.
But back to your guest last night, I take it as maybe you are working more at your capitalist games and are showing the understanding of the complexities of the matrix. Of course it is obvious who Judy is in my world, and I will just call Judy Judy and leave it as she who shall not be named. Anyway, you clarify and present things where you didn't mean what you said or acted when it comes to subjecting me to her. You either are letting me know I misunderstood you or you take it back. While you narrow it down and are being more specific with the capitalism, I still wonder about the other specifics. You clear up one specific person, but there are still a lot of other people.
With how you presented it in a more fair but still unfair way because it really isn't her who is speaking for herself, you presented her as letting the person speak for herself.~ It wasn't that you were necessarily agreeing with her but you were pointing some things out while in conversation. I really am not surprised at how typical she was after that. You obviously made no impact to her and everything was in one ear and out the other where she just kept talking despite the things you said. And of course I do the usual and just stare at her and other times I ignore her. The only thing I read about the latest scandal was the title. I already see the bullshit and there is no point in reading it and ~sucking it for her sake~. While you kept pointing out her god complex and pretentiousness that her thoughts is the ultimate truth, she just didn't get it and raged on in her god complex. She really can have a pretty violent and hostile god complex.
With me, you did succeed in when you showed a better sense of sanity, but there has yet to be any kind of change in my life. I can't see who is really calling the shots and controlling me in so many instances or numbers of places. I can't always see where the judgement or shot calling comes from. But if wanting to keep any peace or warmth with me, you made a better sense of comfort in showing your sanity. I still know you can be evil, dangerous, hateful, and have your own deliquencies and attacks, but you're just not being that right now and I'm not complaining.

Dear Jon

Last night is definitely an instance where I just can't pull off any acting or a hooker heart. Something already tells me you know you make it impossible and want the truth anyway....and before I say what I usually say, my most persistant and first question to ask is: WHY? What the fuck is your problem? Why do you put me through the things you put me through? Why do you waste my time?
I had already said that there is no symbolism with Mitzi and Mitt Romney. You are sick, psycho, and offensive to play mind games like that. Once again, your insinuations are way off and I'm not understanding why you would attack me the way you attack me. My best assumptions would be control freak tactics or for the sake of your crackhead drug addiction. It really is different for someone like you to say what you say compared to others. You have your own literal TV show; you have real credentials; you have wealth. Either I'm just too much of a cunt for people to give a shit about your bullshit or you're just being a crackhead and supporting and ganging with fellow crackheads. I would just think you would care more about being competent and staying on your feet somewhat with intelligence. I hate your bullshit and see it more as you having some kind of fear over something to intentionally smack me with arrogant punches in order to beat me into submission more. If you are seriously inquisitive about my relationship with my grandparents, I really don't know what you are trying to ask. I just see your desperate and arrogant crackheaded judgement that paints the picture in the worst ways of me. I think that not only do you want to create a more damning ruckus with my grandparents to control me and also to lie about me in front of my past Dr. so he will believe that I am delusional in my baby being a presidential candidate. Fuck you and all your damnations Jon. Fuck you.
The only pressure I feel right now is that I am being reminded of just how much of a cunt and how hated I am and that I need to be more desperate to try to figure out how to survive. I've already told my therapist that I just don't know how to beg or be desperate. I really don't. Especially with the fights that you pick, you make it so impossible for me to be desperate or your beggar. I don't know how to be desperate or beg for anyone. I feel moreso that you do want me to fight and be your punching bag but it obviously can't happen right now and I really wish you had different intentions from what you wanted of me. You have made me cry and sob on occassion and the most recent sob just wasn't enough for you to be satisfied. Why? What the fuck is your problem? What do you want?
As for the Dr. while you are giving some kind of connection and confirmation on his end that some people really are out there and I'm not delusional, I still can't understand why you shift the weights of control when you relieve me in one way but conspire in another. After all of these years you are finally making a connection with one Dr and one of the biggest burdens in wanting to be acknowledged and taken seriously. All of these years. Other people either avoid or look over and communicate anyway. Sometimes some people don't recognize how big of a problem it was or has been with some people. Other people do give some sort of acknowledgement but are still clueless and I am still vulnerable. I do like the further understanding of the island concept. I just don't understand why after all of this time and why again with how you shift the weight of control? I don't have any more to say about Shawn or Charlie. I would assume that you would have more info in regards to them than I would. All of them combined (Shawn, Charlie, and the Dr.) seemed like nothing but another dead end. I'm reminding you with how you've already underestimated my naivety that even NY knows when they wrote the subway story. Of course it wasn't straight forward but it did give an obvious insinuation at the end of it.
I'm sick of your provoking with the childishness to be bickering or pick fights so you can "knight me into womanhood." I'm also sick of the way you and other people have been neverendingly ridiculous in setting the bar either ridicuslously too high or too low. It is so ridiculous. I'm sick of the further insult that you think I'm such a fool to so many manipulations. Why Jon? WHY?????????????????????????