Life is Good

Although my car could break down at any moment or anything could happen at any moment, life is good. I have been broke a lot recently, but I'm not terribly poor. Life could always be better. But life has been going so well lately. I think a lot of it has been my new boyfriend, but I have a few other reasons to feel good. There have been more things in life that have been going my way. ............ It has seriously been years since I've had an official boyfriend. It has been so long since I've experienced a more normal relationship and I am so grateful that I have one. I'm sure if I had seriously had to have a boyfriend before, I could have forced myself into an official relationship. Larry is a qualified man. I can't see any big or real reason to deny him. I like him more and more every time I am with him and have become happily attached to him. He is like a big Teddy bear. I have some emotional hesitance. I've been in so many failed relationships that I have to keep myself somewhat braced for something bad to happen, but so far, nothing bad enough has happened. Although I do a lot of talking, I personally don't like to talk a lot about men I could take more seriously, but I can't help but gush over him and have some adoration and talk for him. I really like that he likes to get out and go places; he treats me so well. .....................It has just been so long since I've had an official and real boyfriend. I'm still getting used to it.......... The Holidays have been here and I have been super busy. It's been so long since I've talked about everyday life. I've gone two weeks without my dancing job. I still miss it. I will be starting as a server soon. I'm sure the break even point will be adding up better. Uber isn't so bad. It has its good things and bad things. Although some traffic can be crazy, I find Uber to not be so stressful. (I do deliveries; I don't taxi people.) I still miss the crafting too. I just need to get caught up and in a better routine of things. When I have priorities, I have priorities. I'm sad to say that I have had some financially rough months. I will be doing my Christmas shopping at the last minute because it will be all that I can afford. I hate doing it to the last minute and am mad about it, but it is better to do it at the last minute than to not do it at all. ....... Random thoughts and signing off~

I did not fall off of a cliff

A lot of things going on and I have been super-busy lately............ Falling off of a cliff or in the bottom of an ocean: Right now, I'm thinking along the lines of drama...I haven't talked a lot about my soaps and I just wanted to have my own mental relief with putting it out there that I am fine. Whether or not it is man drama or being made to talk about a person or subject of thought, I have not always enjoyed putting myself out there and feeling like I'm sharing too much information with the world. I am not one who always likes to disclose too much information or very personal information in a blog or online. When I am made to feel defenseless, stockholmed, and trapped a certain way, I bring my own sense of relief or fairness knowing I may not always make myself feel relieved because I prefer having more personal one on one conversations. I still wouldn't understand why some men in their right mind would want or encourage me to continue on with the same communication pattern I always have. It wouldn't be fair of them to blame me; and I've yet to see too much of a begrudgement. I think they like some of the thrill of my gossip; to use me; to simply just like being talked about...... I don't think they could have enjoyed every conversation I've had in my blogs. If some guys have already had some clue about me THE STOCKHOLMING WAY THAT THEY DO; they would have a clue that I've written a lot of blogs. It's not that I don't feel damaged on my end with some of the things that I see. ANYWAY my relationship talk will be fading soon. I have a little more respect for my American guys and seriously don't like the thought of making him or others in general uncomfortable; exploited, gossiped about; or under a gun. When I get thrown in the middle of a Bermuda with some Bollywoods: whatever forms of gossip and exposure come from me IS WHAT THEY GET. Those kind of relationships have always been so terrible. It was always more of a game than any normal kind of relationship. Things might not work with my American guy and I may have to say more or be thrown in the middle of a Burmuda Bollywood again, but I will most likely keep talking the same way I always have. When a man doesn't care enough to bridge his own communication gap or try to come up with a better one IT IS HIS FAULT AND PROBLEM. Once again, if they've already had a stockholming approach and idea about me: there are things they should have already known. While I've always been upset over some heartbreaks and let downs; I think Steve Carrel was the one who really made me break down and cry over the betrayed woman I've been for the longest time when he had to go and betray me like the rest of them. It wasn't that I was never upset and never even cried. I just can't stand how violently ignored I feel with some Bollywoods and the way they just don't seem to get me at all. Like I've never crossed some bridges; like I've never said some things; like I've never been violent or emotionally upset; LIKE I WAS NEVER A PERSON OR HAD ANY REAL HISTORY AT ALL..... I feel some guilt with the coach but I've gotten over him a lot in the past few days... I think he had too much nerve in keeping me played. He was already married, and I'm not the only woman who he was keeping played. So, I had my own mind game and led him on still at some times, but when I was already in too much pain and didn't feel right because of it, I knew I wanted to be out and get over him. When the game or pattern wasn't going to be over; it just wasn't. I need a better regard and sense of value than that. I can't stand like I'm feeling someone's used and abused underdog. There was too much of a mean inequality. Mike is just too much of a bully. I couldn't be undermined and subjected. I'm not sure how damaging I am on my end, or if he cares anymore, or is frustrated over a same rehash, but this is some kind of closure to offer...... In further thoughts with the guy I'm talking to: I don't know where it is going to go. I have liked some of the time we've spent together and am glad to have someone here that I can talk to with some of the most random things or not so random things. He has a nice and friendly company. I have some other thoughts I think but just won't think them out loud. Things are still looking up with him in a good bit of ways...until then, signing off. ...

Hearsay Hearsay Hearsay and Gossip

Pete, you need to get that I don't know you enough or know how to take you. I think you're making things worse with yourself right now with the way you are bullshitting with me too much from a distance. Did you really just say that "I wish I was that much of a slut with that much of a hole?" This is hearsay off of your hearsay. I've been to good for some people's gossip games and I've been too good for the Tom Foolery. Are you really looking at me with: "ha ha, I made you fall for me." I seriously wasn't making fun of you with the George Straight song, and I was quite attracted to the approach. Right now, your distant approach makes you look like an immature child. Maybe you could be wanting to flirt with and pick on me, but you're too distant to understand or know how to take. Quite frankly, I don't care about having some kind of slut contest with how much of a number I have and that is an egotistical turnoff. If it is the opposite, your being judgmental is a little bit of a turnoff and unfair. In another thought of hearsay: whatever reason you (or someone else's hearsay of you and misrepresenting you) still were going to keep me tested with other women or played. When you do that, you look as if your jealousy of me wants to provoke me to be jealous of another in an intentional way. You look like you could care more for whatever random woman, and I have too much self respect to be at your mercy. I really thought you were going to side with me and be more mature than your inadequately undermining childish competition of your trash talking gossip. It is almost like you could be a trash talking enemy who has his mindset to keep his trash talk protected regardless of whatever happens. Looks are very disappointing on this one Pete. You like me and want me or you don't. All of the childish games, gossip, and miscommunications are on you. Are you really out to gang rape me with my enemies? This is the question you get for your distance, dominance, and blindsides. All of this instance is going to keep me run off and you can only make some effort in the relationship to save yourself from me at this point because I'm too good for all of this bullshit and blind games. Yes, I am putting my pussy on a pedestal against whatever it is you're trying to say Pete. I am on the market and single that much more now.

Vonny

You're a bad mean man Giovanni. Good guy, bad guy. Don't I really wish for a comfort and consul with the psychological, emotional, and mental terror/ drama I've experienced through the years. Then, I hear, "that's right bitch, this is what you get. There is no break for you." I'm just not understanding the game you want to play with me Giovanni. I do assume you are mad at some of my personal opinions over some issues and this is why you could be in my life. You could just want to "cut the crap," and say you personally mean to be more lusty than emotional with me, but I still don't know how to make sense of your pick for me. I seriously think if you want to sit there and criticize me and want to make me feel more questionably insecure, you should seek your other options or just stick it out with your someone else. You didn't give me a firm enough rejection on the last round, but still. Whether or not you have other brief flings you keep me played with, you seem to expect me to be there for you. I don't have the strongest refusal for you yet, but when you seem to be too questionable and shady and something doesn't feel right enough, I kind of stepped back away from you more and still am. You want me and don't want me. While I don't have a strong refusal; I don't have a strong enough aggression for you either. I'll let myself stay somewhat curious to find out more about you, but I may not always have the time enough in my curiosity. Do you really have something to say to me Vonny, or I'm a random person to spend time with while you pass the time in your possibly bored life? What's really on your mind Giovanni?

So many thoughts

.... I had my own made up brunch and it was so good. The holidays and my birthday was something that I used as too much of an excuse to let myself go with eating, but it is time to get strict again and pushing harder to lose a significant amount of weight and significantly shape up my body more. Taking off some weight used to be so much easier when I was running on a different schedule, but I don't have the time to work out like I used to and I can't control my hunger either. I know that if I had a different life schedule, it would be easier to lose weight, but it is so much of an obstacle to try to lose weight with the kind of schedule that I have now. .... I'm anxious in going into the New Year. Being able to pay off some of my bills is my main key issue before finding another job. Taxes should help for sure, but I really don't know what will lie ahead. I finally got a new coat that I feel a little gangster in, but it isn't too gangster. I don't have to worry about keeping it washed as much. The last white coat just got so dirty looking. I am so happy that I can finally qualify for credit again. I qualified for a store card (which hasn't happened in years since the bankruptcy) and I instantly paid the card off right after I used it. I have learned my lesson so much with credit, that I just haven't cared to apply again because I feel better off spending money I know I already have. Getting a credit card is some trouble to get into. I have thought of getting a card for emergencies or especially emergencies on a trip if I run out of money for transportation or parking or something else where I have no other choice to spend money if I've run out. I've seen strategic ways people intentionally use a credit card for the cash back, but that is a constant thing to stay on top of. A person makes two payments for a little bit of interest to earn. I wonder how much a person could make off of it, if they successfully paid the entire monthly amount without having to worry about the interest and only gaining the cash back interest. I don't know if I'd be too tempted to spend too much and I just wouldn't match the strategy of it because I wouldn't be able to pay the entire amount back... I could still get a credit card for the sake of an emergency. I laugh a little because now I can get emergency clothes or an emergency present if I needed. I'll have to keep the card out of reach to not tempt myself. I did save an extra $20.00 after all for just getting one. .... Do I want to talk about my drama? I have mostly wanted to be quiet about it, but I just can't. Most men are still on impossible ground where it doesn't feel like much of a normal relationship with any of them. A few random break into my head from time to time, and since they are all impossible, they are obviously all impossible. I feel I've been waiting to give up on Jack in another way, and it isn't even that I would want to "break up" with him. I'm still glad that I was noticed by Jack and am appreciative of what he has already done. I know he has a certain level of caring about me. I don't always get him, but I know he cares for me in some ways. While he isn't as rude and/or mean as some other Don Drapers, the probabilities of feeling in a real or normal relationship still feel slim. He was a person to chase for a period of time while I didn't like the way I was being chased by some other men. He still breaks in my head but I feel like it seems like we won't get anywhere. .....While some other men want me but probably want to be improbable with me with them having the upperhand, they just don't seem interested enough. They still have their own way of being impossible and it is like I could drop them all, but there was never much of a choice on my end to begin with... There are a few different types that I just don't want to have to put up with anymore and not enough care about wanting to be more of an asset to me than a liability, and yes, there are some things they seriously have to do my way. I am and am not joshing about the asset/liability part. I don't mean to materialize men, but when I feel some men do nothing but bring me down, stand in my way, are poisonous, aren't seriously interested and into me and only want to be possessive and want to conform me to their fascism, they really are a liability that I know I don't need. .... There is one arbitrage man whose real identity I don't know but I know I keep seeing his arbitrage and it drives me crazy. There are some serious things he has done wrong at some time or another and he forces me to stay turned onto him anyway. His mystery persona really freaks me out because it is like he obviously watches me and knows me more, but just doesn't seem to get that I seriously don't know who he is. It drives me crazy. I know some particular arbitrage men, but it is like there is one main one who just doesn't make enough sense to me. ..... It has been a crazy week. I like club Blush and it was a little more stressful and challenging, but I am not able to go there on a regular basis either way. I got myself a pretty black dress that I'm excited for. I really liked dressing up like that. I can still wear it to either club. I definitely want to go back. I think Morgantown men are easier than the Pittsburgh ones, but I can't always know what to expect with some people. I made decent money on two nights and nothing on my birthday night. huh. I didn't tell people about my birthday because I don't want to be center of attention or bring attention to my age. I didn't know what was up with some people that night either. I ended up working on New Years eve at H20. I had my cake and ate it too with Mitzi. We still got to do some things yesterday and today. I was also paid to go into work and made decent money that night with free drinks. It worked out. I'm exhausted but this weekend worked out. Onward ho! (I'm longwinded and laughing a little over whoever wants to read this long winded blog. Not insulting myself too much).