So many thoughts

.... I had my own made up brunch and it was so good. The holidays and my birthday was something that I used as too much of an excuse to let myself go with eating, but it is time to get strict again and pushing harder to lose a significant amount of weight and significantly shape up my body more. Taking off some weight used to be so much easier when I was running on a different schedule, but I don't have the time to work out like I used to and I can't control my hunger either. I know that if I had a different life schedule, it would be easier to lose weight, but it is so much of an obstacle to try to lose weight with the kind of schedule that I have now. .... I'm anxious in going into the New Year. Being able to pay off some of my bills is my main key issue before finding another job. Taxes should help for sure, but I really don't know what will lie ahead. I finally got a new coat that I feel a little gangster in, but it isn't too gangster. I don't have to worry about keeping it washed as much. The last white coat just got so dirty looking. I am so happy that I can finally qualify for credit again. I qualified for a store card (which hasn't happened in years since the bankruptcy) and I instantly paid the card off right after I used it. I have learned my lesson so much with credit, that I just haven't cared to apply again because I feel better off spending money I know I already have. Getting a credit card is some trouble to get into. I have thought of getting a card for emergencies or especially emergencies on a trip if I run out of money for transportation or parking or something else where I have no other choice to spend money if I've run out. I've seen strategic ways people intentionally use a credit card for the cash back, but that is a constant thing to stay on top of. A person makes two payments for a little bit of interest to earn. I wonder how much a person could make off of it, if they successfully paid the entire monthly amount without having to worry about the interest and only gaining the cash back interest. I don't know if I'd be too tempted to spend too much and I just wouldn't match the strategy of it because I wouldn't be able to pay the entire amount back... I could still get a credit card for the sake of an emergency. I laugh a little because now I can get emergency clothes or an emergency present if I needed. I'll have to keep the card out of reach to not tempt myself. I did save an extra $20.00 after all for just getting one. .... Do I want to talk about my drama? I have mostly wanted to be quiet about it, but I just can't. Most men are still on impossible ground where it doesn't feel like much of a normal relationship with any of them. A few random break into my head from time to time, and since they are all impossible, they are obviously all impossible. I feel I've been waiting to give up on Jack in another way, and it isn't even that I would want to "break up" with him. I'm still glad that I was noticed by Jack and am appreciative of what he has already done. I know he has a certain level of caring about me. I don't always get him, but I know he cares for me in some ways. While he isn't as rude and/or mean as some other Don Drapers, the probabilities of feeling in a real or normal relationship still feel slim. He was a person to chase for a period of time while I didn't like the way I was being chased by some other men. He still breaks in my head but I feel like it seems like we won't get anywhere. .....While some other men want me but probably want to be improbable with me with them having the upperhand, they just don't seem interested enough. They still have their own way of being impossible and it is like I could drop them all, but there was never much of a choice on my end to begin with... There are a few different types that I just don't want to have to put up with anymore and not enough care about wanting to be more of an asset to me than a liability, and yes, there are some things they seriously have to do my way. I am and am not joshing about the asset/liability part. I don't mean to materialize men, but when I feel some men do nothing but bring me down, stand in my way, are poisonous, aren't seriously interested and into me and only want to be possessive and want to conform me to their fascism, they really are a liability that I know I don't need. .... There is one arbitrage man whose real identity I don't know but I know I keep seeing his arbitrage and it drives me crazy. There are some serious things he has done wrong at some time or another and he forces me to stay turned onto him anyway. His mystery persona really freaks me out because it is like he obviously watches me and knows me more, but just doesn't seem to get that I seriously don't know who he is. It drives me crazy. I know some particular arbitrage men, but it is like there is one main one who just doesn't make enough sense to me. ..... It has been a crazy week. I like club Blush and it was a little more stressful and challenging, but I am not able to go there on a regular basis either way. I got myself a pretty black dress that I'm excited for. I really liked dressing up like that. I can still wear it to either club. I definitely want to go back. I think Morgantown men are easier than the Pittsburgh ones, but I can't always know what to expect with some people. I made decent money on two nights and nothing on my birthday night. huh. I didn't tell people about my birthday because I don't want to be center of attention or bring attention to my age. I didn't know what was up with some people that night either. I ended up working on New Years eve at H20. I had my cake and ate it too with Mitzi. We still got to do some things yesterday and today. I was also paid to go into work and made decent money that night with free drinks. It worked out. I'm exhausted but this weekend worked out. Onward ho! (I'm longwinded and laughing a little over whoever wants to read this long winded blog. Not insulting myself too much).