As the Sarah Turns

I still have Dr. M on my mind. I see and feel mostly good signs and vibes, but I still have my doubts and uncertainty. ... I'm angry...... I'm angry at what a lot of my life story has been and hate that I have to wonder just how much the same violent pestering vain rapist bastards are on my back. I almost feel as if I am being blindly and heavily stalked to be pestered with the same people and problems. They hate my guts for thinking I am too good for them and will relentlessly harass and rape me to death because this is how I WILL ALWAYS HONESTLY FEEL. Why won't enough people catch on to the sore losers and extreme haters that I have? Why will the same people feel they are right to be conquestial over me and control the way I think or feel? Why won't they see the rape and harassment they are already guilty of and the monster they are? Why won't they see the dead giveaway they are? ....... 50 Shades of Grey. I had to watch it. With the job that I'm in; I know I can't keep myself blindsided and ignorant to it. Once again, it always depends on my will to care and/or some circumstances for me to see or include myself in. While there could be 4 or 5 people to have this share, the most obvious character to guess is Ashton Kutcher. Quite frankly, Ashton never appeared to have a dominant sexual desire like that. I could see the way he was judgmental and dominate, but he just never seemed to be sexual like that. I know I have already come across 2 or 3 that are disturbingly like that and that I am disgusted with. With Ashton though, if he were to give himself the credit and go all the way, I think I see his ulterior motive and hidden agenda with Kate Hudson. Once again, I was glad that I was coincidentally in Canada when 50 Shades of Grey was in the theatres. I know I never warmed up to a friendship with her. They both look like they are desperate to protect their dominance more than anything and keep me buried alive. I hate the way Ashton wanted to be deceptive as having some kind of love and affection. He was at least nice enough to model a relationship that wasn't entirely misogynistic. There was some romance, emotion, respect, respectful of choices when mixed with his "playroom," made most of it ok. I deny that I ever had a real relationship like that with Ashton. I think if there were any close match of "Christian," it would be Jon, and he is very far from being any kind of model about it. It is the judgment, verbal, psychological warfare that just makes me scream for him to die. I hate Jon's guts so much. I hate him for the liar, deceiver, and nigger that he is. I know I see Jon for the cold-blooded lying, robbing murderer he was. He hated my real truth and made such an ugly lie and mess out of it that I will never forgive him. I will never forgive him for the way he thought he won and that he and his other fucktard bitches who he let win, win. I will never forgive him. I hate him for the cold blooded violent rapist man that he is, and IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT JON MADE THE MORBID CHOICES THAT HE MADE. I will never forgive him for the choices that he made. I will never forgive him for making me the nigger, underdog, and butt end of everything. He will always look jealous for how much of an inferior he makes out of me. He never listened to my serious no's and never stopped letting people have a chance with me when they never had a chance with me at all. He has the sickest denial and vainness and lies that he has never let up on. It is such a sick hateful coldblooded morbid rape for ignoring me like that and thinking he and his fucktard bitches deserve me. Words cannot describe his deep morbidness. ............ Yes, I feel better after my hateful rant. I don't want to have to think about it anymore.